Friday, November 15, 2013
Help Me Understand
Help me understand why I should take the brunt of the damage caused by someone else? Has anyone or man ever considered that they are destroying every damn relationship with the crap from their past relating to women? Moms, sisters, grandmothers, girlfriends, ex-wives? THESE ARE THE PEOPLE YOU ARE ANGRY WITH. THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT HURT YOU. THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE TO EITHER DEAL WITH, FORGIVE, OR LET GO OF. I am not a saint, but I am not going to be anyone's fucking verbal or otherwise, punching bag anymore. They have pills and therapy for that shit. And what really pisses me off is how incapable these men seem to be at seeing the wreckage they leave behind them. It is so painful to take abuse you haven't earned and then lose the people you love because they just can't see, and they don't care enough to mend anything. Not even the people they say they love get treated with any respect or dignity. To leave a person broken like that is unforgivable, yet some of us do try to forgive, because we understand the pain, we just don't understand the desire to inflict it upon others. I have experienced more inflicted pain in the past 2 years then possibly my entire life's rest all together, and I still haven't retaliated. Not because I don't want to. Not because EVERYONE isn't telling me I should, because they are. Not because I don't have a dark enough side of me to connect to, because trust me, I do, but because I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be someone that hurts others intentionally. I get no pride or enjoyment out of it. In fact, I just feel like shit about it. Then I carry that weight around with me for ages because it is ugly, selfish behavior. And I don't want to forget that. I don't want to forget how I made another person feel bad. I even feel like shit about this blog. I feel like shit for calling out the men who have pained me so and pointing out the hows of it, but you see, someone has to. Someone has to put their foot down and say that this shit is wrong and it hurts. It hurts bad. And since these are the kind of men that don't allow people to say what they need to say so they can move on and heal, then I am saying here. In the hope that maybe one day one of these men will see it and will think about it and will maybe acknowledge their damaging behavior. I know that statistically this isn't going to happen. These are men who never change according to therapists and such, but I always have that little bit of hope. And it is that hope that has been the bane of my existence. That hope that makes me keep trying to trust someone, to love someone and to be a good person. So far it has been horrifying. I am not sure if that means I should just become a bar whore and say fuck it to love or if I should just become a shut in and say fuck it to love or if I should keep on trying risking what little life I have left in me. I don't know. I don't know shit anymore. None of us do. And that my friends, is a damn shame.