Sunday, February 23, 2014

Low Income-Disabled etc Housing Help Across The Country Map United States Dept. Of Agriculture

Bow Down To This Woman Preachin' Like A Pro!! A. MA. ZING.

I don't know anything about this woman or where she stands on anything else BUT on THIS subject... THIS WOMAN ROCKS! She should be wearing a Wonder Woman crown. WOW.

"An IRS contractor named Braulio Castillo hurt his foot playing football in military prep school. He never served in the actual military. Then one day, decades later, he used it to get preferred treatment in government contracts. Rep. Tammy Duckworth (D-Ill.), who lost both her legs and still could lose her arm from combat injuries, felt that this might just be a touch inappropriate. It gets amazing around 4:30."  Adam Mordecai via

PREACH. Word of the day.

If I had a soapbox and a mic or megaphone I'd be shaking shit up today. Oh yes. I am in a loud and proud preach it mood today... so maybe don't fuck with me, k?

R and I and B and I used to pass long intricate notes with drawings included. They were way more than 128 characters. I still have them. They are some of the best things from the past that I still have. Good times and good memories of a time long gone. So sad that new generations are missing out on so many great ways of interacting. The human factor is disappearing in communication.
I'd like to see a cultures class based on specific decades. One where the entirety of the course is based on exactly how it was and acted out in the same manner. Even a change in clothing. I'd take an 80's one in a heartbeat. Imagine boomboxes, and cassette tapes, pencils and Trapper Keepers. Hair gel and hand written notes. Reading books and writing with the pencils on lined paper. LOL. Eating deep fried burritos for lunch and a cup of fries while drinking a Big Gulp... sigh.

Riverside and the Homeless Issue Article
I believe many don't accept the help because they know that much of it does come down to money and that getting the hopes up of a person whose life is this low and then halting progress based on money or some other new requirement that they can't provide, therefore pushing them back into this dark life is cruel. Most would prefer to just stay where they are rather than falsely getting their hopes up again, just to have them cut back down. The system is not set up for success, but failure.
So your basic premise is why try because they are hopeless? My goodness, you are a downer aren't you. Everything seems negative to you.
What do I have to do with THEIR reasons? I was defending why THEY might be choosing to not accept help offered. SO tell Mr. 'Man'... what the hell do YOU know about being homeless? Enlighten me.
And you may want to think twice before twisting peoples words.
And if being a realist is negative to you then let me thank you for perpetuating the shit we find this country in today, since fallacy and ego and the twisting of truths and lies seems to be the new way. AND... IF YOU READ WHAT I ORIGINALLY WROTE and have the power of basic comprehension you would realize that I implied this 'idea' or 'reason' based on most homeless have already attempted working the system to better their situation. AND in fact, most people start trying to prevent becoming homeless first, yet find that the red tape and real access is impossible to penetrate. Even the people listed to contact in this story for help are bogus, since I know for a fact that they DO NOT reply to email inquiries asking for information and/or help... BEEN THERE TRIED THAT.
Still waiting and it's been over a week I believe. I win. 

Monday, February 17, 2014

Walking On Eggshells

I find myself crying randomly lately. A lot.

This is what I always imagined depression to look like, you know, like the commercials.

The thing is, that it happens in moments when I realize how nothing has changed in my life except the scenery.
Moments when I realize that, I continue to tiptoe around rather than walk normally because for so many years everyone had to tread lightly so P could sleep. He was prone to some nasty outbursts when he did not sleep well and I tried very hard to avoid them for the decade and a half we lived under the same roof.

Now I find myself continuing this at my moms. Anything to avoid stirring her or calling attention to myself. I do not want to be inundated with anything else. I get it already. No need to shove more of it down my already choking throat. I empathize, I just don't appreciate the need to cut me with words and implications that rarely have anything to do with anything I am responsible for and more times than not are acts that have been inflicted upon me many times in the past by this person cutting me, for what? Pleasure? Satisfaction? Personal feelings of control or superiority? Loneliness? I am lonely as well, but I am not out there hurting anyone with my pain needlessly. I do not get it. I will never get not relating to the pain of a child I bore or wanting to inflict more of it upon one of them. I would die in a nanosecond to insure my children avoid this kind of pain, or this level of 'life lesson.' The damage is too much to justify any wisdom gained. To add to it is just cruel. I love my mom but she pains me deeply. I wish I could help her but a lifetime has shown me that I could never, ever, do anything to make her feel more whole or just happy. It just can't be done by me for some reason.

I already carry the load for two people every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I already spend my nights and days trapped and agonized over my son and his future; missing my daughter. Missing life, friends, touch, fast food... grocery stores, laughter, a moment of hope and CVS. I really miss CVS. LOL.

Driving with the window down, the music on, a cig and not thinking about being pulled over, or the tires, brakes, or leaking oil and steering fluid or the amount of gas each mile or hill is using. These are things I can only dream about today. These are things so far out of my reach that I have become indifferent to this life. I scare myself now. That is a strange sensation. Fearing me and my indifference. If it were not for that orb within me where my children exist I guarentee I would not be writing this right now. I know this as fact. And again, this scares me.

There is no enjoyment in anything. Everything is tainted by someone else’s need to make others suffer or its tainted with money or dread or pain or anger for the pain and loss, a lot of loss that I try very hard not to dwell on or think about, but then I catch myself tiptoeing around...

OK Universe, You Win.

I give up. Can you just make it fast? Seriously. How long is a person supposed to suffer until there is some fuckin mercy? Just do it already and be done with me, but you touch my kids and my ass will spend eternity getting you back Bitch.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

“Anytime you stop and talk to somebody and you learn about them, you start to walk in their shoes a little bit and you see things through a different lens,” said Cooper.

This is why people DON'T connect. To do so means to risk seeing and feeling for these people and taking on responsibility, which no one wants these days; even in tiny doses. We have become a society of personal space obsessed people who wear masks, lying to ourselves and everyone around us. We sit back and watch lives fall apart, people die, suffer, act out, scream for help, and we call it entertainment. And if there aren't cameras following the poor souls around we call them degenerates and people sucking the system dry and taking YOUR taxpayer dollars (as if they or their families had never paid a dime to the same damn system before) and we call then criminals and losers, and hopeless, sick, shameful, and we ignore the mental illness often brought on from the stress of struggling or war or disease or any number of perfectly viable reasons except these people were missing what separates them from us. A safety net. Options. Healthcare. Family. Shelter. Food. Money. Security. Medication. Clothing. Hygiene. A vehicle. Dental care to stop the corrosion in their mouths pushing infection through their system and causing them pain. Many for decades. 

No. People already know that these other people have stories. That they have a voice worthy of being heard. They CHOOSE to not connect. Sometimes for ego and sometimes for shame and sometimes because they can't handle not being capable of helping. Of course, if every wealthy celebrity took a few homeless people or families under their wing and helped to set them up to get on their feet for the cost of a few handbags or another car for their collection, we might really see a dent start in the homeless population. I mean why is it that they can make money off the stories of these people but these people can't get a solid base to leave this way of life as well??????????

Saturday, February 1, 2014

“I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.” ― Sylvia Plath

Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.”
― Sylvia Plath

“If you expect nothing from anybody, you’re never disappointed.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“Is there no way out of the mind?”
― Sylvia Plath

“Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - so very much to learn.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Journals of Sylvia Plath

“I desire the things that will destroy me in the end.”
― Sylvia Plath

“To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is a bad dream.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“I want to taste and glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of nonfeeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath

“I couldn’t see the point of getting up. I had nothing to look forward to.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“I felt wise and cynical as all hell.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

“But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defensless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get.”
― Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar

Someday You Will Know

Someday, you will make all the wrong choices for all the right reasons.
You will have no idea that you have stepped on a ticking time bomb.
You will only know that you are/were trying to do the right thing.
You are/were trying to be a good person.
You won't know that no one else is/was doing the same.
You won't know yet,
that you are/were surrounded by deceivers
and ones that have not
and will not
take you into consideration
as they make their selfish choices or that
they will eventually use those choices to continually stab you
until you are near nothing
but blood and raw nerve.
You will find yourself battling so many demons alone
that death  seems like a beautiful option.
A calm ending to the chaos.
And you will fight.
You will fight with everything you can muster to not give in
to the warmth of that thought.
And still, people will judge.
People will assume.
People who have no idea what you are living in
will make statements to you
that do not pertain to your circumstances
but to their own limited experience.
And you will try to forgive them for their naivete.
You will try.
They will be relentless in their determination to make you less than though.
To make you at fault even
when the reality is that there is no fault.

This is life.

This is the risk we take to love and to trust and to survive.

There isn't always a clear road to fault and there isn't always a clear road to repair.
And sometimes,
the universe or the gods, or fate
just slam you over
and over
and over again,
and they will continue to judge without ever knowing the reality of living it.

I am glad that most people do not have a clue what living like this is about. Really, it is above and beyond inhumane and honestly, how much damn wisdom is a person suppose to accumulate at once while suffering the entire time as well? I mean at what point do you say I have all the wisdom I can handle for the moment, now please let me rest?
Or let me die.
Just let me be something that is not painful and exhausting and forever broken.

Everything that I have lost recently has been shocking and painful. Life altering as well.
To lose my child though.
There are no words.
And again, as the theme seems to be, I never would have believed it was possible until now.
In two months more shocking losses have come my way then in my entire life.
Things I was not prepared for and things that still make no logical sense at all.
Things I could not have prepared for any better than I was because you can't prepare for the improbable or the unexpected, particularly when you have near nothing in the first place.
And the loss of health, well, no one is ever prepared to find out that another person has stolen that from them.
So, point your fingers.
Lay your blame.
Make your judgements.
But God forbid you ever find yourself crawling along this path.
God forbid you ever find out how truly alone you are and how absolutely false the world around has become.
God forbid you be the shunned one.

I suffer from severe chronic depression
Chronic pain in my entire body at this point but in my spine for the last 25 years caused by DDD, Arthritis, inflammation and who knows what else at this point.
Female problems for decades
IBS for decades
2 STD's now, neither of which will ever go away and neither of which I was aware I was being exposed to and one of which is THE cause of cervical cancer.
I have two broken bridges in my mouth one on each side on top each being 3 teeth, so 3 useless teeth or spaces on top on each side. An exposed nerve and huge hole in a real tooth on top in back on one side and a missing tooth on the bottom on the other, and countless lost fillings in all my other teeth front included from clenching and grinding my jaw in my sleep. This has been going on for two years and at this point is another chronic source of pain.
The joints in my hands swell and I lose the use of my left thumb now.
I have chronic foot, toe and calf spasms and thigh spasms as well but less often
I recently began having debilitating ovarian pain in BOTH ovaries. It last for days, causes me to have fevers and scares the shit out of me.
I lose my ability to think properly on occasion as well. I assume it is from poor nutrition, infection and stress.
This is just my physical list.

This does not include the loss of food stamps, financial aid, and EDD we have been hit with in the last 5 weeks. That is a lot of financial hits in 5 weeks.
We have no vehicle and have even lost the use of the 8 mile a gallon truck due to a flat tire. A new one is 300.
We live in a rural area without grocery stores or any of the basics of normal life.
We shop at Circle K when we have any money to spend because the only car we can use has no insurance or registration and can only be risked to drive late and in the dark. The town market closes with the sun here and it is insanely expensive anyway.
We can not walk around at all at night due to wild animals and attacks.
And we live at my moms who makes us feel like satans children every chance she gets, even when she masks it in niceties.
We are fully aware we are not wanted.

if you can read this list
and imagine even half of it as your life,
and you can still look me in the eye
and judge me
then you better just hope
you don't find yourself really here someday.
But guess what?
I never would have imagined myself here either 
and look at me now. 
Just take a cold hard look. 
There but for the grace of God....