Monday, June 29, 2015

Jupiter and Venus are converging and it's pretty amazing to see.

The only good thing about this place is the night sky. Jupiter and Venus are so bright and my camera doesn't do them justice but still, a truly dazzling sight.

And Tuesday nights official Star of Bethlehem...
And the moon.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

We All Just Want To Be Seen-Lonely Homeless Man

This is it. This is what is missing in the world today. It's all most of us really want and need (even if most haven't figured it out yet). A little humanity and human contact, some affirmation that we aren't just ghosts, forgotten by everyone or looked upon like trash because we hit hard times. It shouldn't be so hard, but it is and it's killing a lot of us. 

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Must Be Something In The Water 'Cause You Can't Write This Shit

Ah, poverty mixed with rural living. This is my upper mouth/teeth. Those are my two broken bridges on each side of my mouth and the lower right arrow is the awesome tooth now destroying any will I can find left to live. The pain is brutal and us without a dentist for 30 miles in any direction... I got antibiotics and 800mg Ibuprofen but it's taking 3 of them at a time to help and that is liver and kidney destroying since Ibuprofen has been my only source of pain management for the last 30 years including spinal surgery, foot surgery, 2 c-sections, getting my wisdom teeth pulled and various uteral surgeries. My point? My kidneys and liver have already taken a beating. I'm actually scared of the damage I might cause now. I knew I should have taken up alcoholism like my mom. I bet I'd have a perfectly trained steel version that I wouldn't have to be worrying about. It always works out like that. Or so it seems. 
So, I guess my last posts question about it getting better rather than worse has been answered... looks like worse wins again. At least I excel at something. Something that sucks ass but something. Yea me. Fuck. I write this stuff here but what I really want to do it destroy things with my bare hands because being passive is killing me. Being level is killing me. BEING is killing me. 

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Does It Ever Start Getting Better or at Least Not Worse?

Oh God, I am so incredibly screwed. 
The only reason I have managed to stay fed for the past few months is because of the kindness of a very dear to my heart friend who has been sending me $200 a month to stay fed. Now, I have 2 credit cards that I accepted and used to feed my son and myself when we first ended up on this hill of hell. Both were maxed out when my son got lucky and managed to escape and that was why I sent him away in the first place. We had absolutely zero money left. 
So today this dear friend let me know that, due to issues beyond her control, she will not be able to continue, at least for a few months. I get it. I love her and I know I don't even deserve it. I appreciate it beyond words, but I am fucking scared to death now. I don't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for any of this but that's pretty obvious. Anyway, I can't really relate the level of internal fear and anxiety I am feeling at this moment. As it was the $200 paid the $75 for the 2 credit card payments at bare minimum payments, the $30 it costs in gas to get down the hill to food (once a month) and that left me with $95 for food a month... A MONTH, and I was thankful for that. But now what? 
OMG. Breathe.
I just want to be able to breathe.
I miss my old, shitty, fucked up, lie filled life. It's amazing how beautiful shit becomes when you reach this level of poverty and desperation. I will never again question how people end up dead, insane, immoral, addicted, fat or just what seems worthless while living in complete poverty. My homeless years made me think it just took more internal strength to survive but I have officially been knocked off my high horse. I get it now. I was lucky back in those homeless days, I just wasn't all that aware of it then. 
I am now. 
God, what am I going to do? 
Try to breathe.