Thursday, January 17, 2013

A Little Background

Before I begin the dance it might be helpful to give you a bit of back information to make these passages easier to consume and understand. I was going to write this out but now that I consider my inability to control my 'wordiness' it might just be easier on us all if I just list how (and what) the previous months 'events' to lead up to my crazy and hopeful self you will read about here. So, here we go...

1. In March I discovered that my then bf of almost 14 years was cheating.

2. We had just previously moved into a home he bought that myself and my mother had help fund the costs of escrow and inspections. We both received our funds back but I put mine back into the moving process which included bills for both the old house and the new one and closing bills for the previous house. This included any left-over grant money and the money I won in a contest to pay for airline tickets. I never did get to take the trip. That sucks.

3. Because I was flat broke and have no people in my life to help me or willing to help me, I was stuck staying here. Imagine finding something like this out along with a lot of internet stuff and photos that I won't go into including and proof that this person had been preparing to do this for a few months before I found out. The level of deceit, disrespect and distrust was what killed me. The relationship had been rocky for years, but there had always been promises, and recent ones too, that if one of us was ready to end it that we would tell the other one and never cheat. Didn't happen. You can't trust anyone. You just can't.

4. Mid-terms were the following week of finding out about the deceit. Awesome.

5. My birthday was mostly spent in my room, alone, until the ex decided he was going to buy a cake mix and make cupcakes. Nice right? Nope. He went two blocks and it took him an hour. Phone records showed he was talking to two chicks during that hour. Chick #1 was the original dumb-ass, chick #2 was the D.A. he has been with ever since. He's a good guy on some level and well, you know, not so good on others. Her choice.

6. Mothers Day I woke up to the ex bringing #2 coffee and making her breakfast... while her own kids were AWOL. THAT felt really great. needless to say, they both got an earful. The sad part was that neither one of them seemed fazed at all. What kind of people DO that? It was cruel and I may never forgive for that day. She started coming over for nooners and spending the night a lot. She's loud about it too, if you get my drift. Yeah, I was a woman on the edge.

7. So, basically I was living in the pits of hell (for me anyway). I had realized that most of my few friends were assholes and just used words but never gave any actions. I am a giver. I give till I bleed, so trust me on this, they should have been there for me. I don't ask people for anything if I can help it so if I am asking then you bet your ass, I need the damn help. It never came. Fucking sad ass world we live in...

8. During this lovely life experience in surviving your worst nightmares an old online friend started chatting me up. I had 'known' this person online for many years. Seven or so to be more exact. He was living on someones couch (an ex too, or so he said, but I later figured out she wasn't so aware she was an ex at the time. More on that much later). We talked quite a bit for a few months. He came out and sold my son a car and we finally met. We spent a few hours with one another and then the 'ex' picked him up and the next day he left the state. Over this time we interacted sporadically online and a few times on the phone. He was always drunk on the phone though or would suddenly disconnect me. It was frustrating as he was talking like we might try the relationship thing together or at the very least (and really what I expected to actually happen)  we would help one another get back on our feet by being one another's support system as neither of us had anyone (or so he claimed). My diary starts there. It begins in the midst of this time when he was still out of state and I was here trying to breath and function but not doing a very good job at either. I was trying to find myself. Looking for anything to help me grasp the possibility of a better reality than the one I was currently wading through. I should add here that I have health issues, one of which includes a serious issue with my back, arthritis, degenerative disk, pins in my spine, herniated disk, and a plethora of other issues like anxiety, cutting (not so much in the previous time leading up to this), A.D.D. and ulcers. Did I mention that I have no health insurance and there are no clinics in my area for people like myself? Well, there aren't. That sucks too. So, anyway, that about sums up the important issues leading to my dance.

Feel free to laugh with me, cry with me and get really confused and pissed off. I'm still pissed off at myself. I made choices for good reasons but my gut told me not to and I did it anyway. DUMB SHIT. LOL!


11/10/2013- I am leaving this because it fills in gaps and explains a little bit about who P is (13+ year guy) and who J was (Online friend guy). Obviously, I went a different course with this blog although it still engulfs basically the same sad shit about love, trust, hopes, depression and so on..