Sunday, April 26, 2015

Art Therapy Continues

This one is still wet so that is why the black looks so uneven.

This is the just finished one, and one still in progress. 
Both are wet, although the colored one is the most recent worked on of the two. I'm beginning to get the hang of using color, but I still can't let my black and white obsession go! 

How to avoid committing suicide

How to avoid committing suicide

Click the lime title/link above to read.

I'm still in the dark void but I could have written almost this entire story myself (including the line about throwing ones self into oncoming traffic and the cutting and the school and on and on...), except that, as I said, I am still in the dark void part since they took my Adderall last year. It's insightful if you have the desire to understand.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015


I've done portraits for many years but am giving paint and pastels a try. I only used charcoal in the past because color just scares the shit out of me for some reason. So, this is the past two weeks attempts and so far it seems black and white is still where I excel, but I will keep trying. 

"Coming or Going"

"Bounce" (As in 'You've gotta bounce, Baby')
"Coming or Going" before final
"No Title"

"Road Trip"

Thursday, April 16, 2015

From Winter Tree to Spring Tree Hwang Ji-woo

From Winter Tree to Spring Tree 

Hwang Ji-woo

A tree is a tree
In its body.
With its whole body the tree becomes a tree.
All the body naked,
At thirteen degrees below zero,
At twenty degrees below zero,
Rooting the whole body into the earth,
Lifting its head,
Standing as a defenseless naked tree,
Standing in a posture of punishment, lifting its two hands,
Ah, in a punished body, in a punished life,
Standing up, but
Saying, this is not it, this is not it,
It suffers in all of its soul,
It burns inside, inside the body,
Resisting, rejecting, from below zero,
To above zero, five degrees above zero,
Thirteen degrees above zero, moving above earth,
It pushes, it pushes up,
Till all its body breaks down–
Breaking down, blisters forming,
Breaking out, with its hot tongue,
It pushes the shoot
Slowly, steadily,
Suddenly the shoot becomes a green leaf,
Bumping into a blue April sky,
The tree becomes a tree in its whole body.
Ah, finally, at last,
The blooming tree is a blooming tree
In its body.

*Translated by Dr. Chae-Pyong (“J.P.”) Song 송재평 교수 &  Anne Rashid
Korean Poetry in Translation

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Nothing is the answer.

Well, I can now say that I have tried everything. I made my final plea and asked my ex if I could move back if him and his gf ever split. To clarify, that would be to use a spare room not to couple up. A few years ago I would have laughed in a persons face who had suggested that I might one day find myself this pathetic, needy and hopeless. Being as I was always the problem solver finding myself this lacking at something so important as saving my own life seems... what's a good word? Unreal? Not really intense enough. Fathomless works.
So between trying to figure out how to get rid of all this useless shit and how to get my son his shit since he still hasn't found a way to come pick it up and worrying about the fact that I will be abandoning a child/adult who needs me, no matter what anyone else believes, I feel rather frustrated. Autistics, whether high functioning or not need to have someone near they can trust to remind them and push them to do some of the basics required for adult life. Like taxes, and getting health insurance and eating somewhat decent once in awhile and so on. When I sent my son away I believed the people around him would be more supporting but it seems they think getting him to stop smoking is smarter than replacing the cigs with alcohol, which horrifies me since drug and alcohol addiction not only run on both sides of the bloodline in mass, but also because Autistics tend to have high addiction issues as well. He still can't drive but "Hey! He drinks all weekend with us!" Thanks for the fucking support. Anyway, I haven't seen either of my kids in about 6 months. I guess holding on to hoping to spend some time with them is fruitless. Maybe it is better this way. Maybe the void will just seem normal.
I don't know.
I don't know shit. That is what this life has taught me. No one knows a god damn thing. That's nirvana. That's the big answer to the big question we spend our lives trying to find. We know nothing and without love and support nothing flourishes. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Anne Lamott on Her Wisdom. What I don't agree with, I respect.

I am going to be 61 years old in 48 hours. Wow. I thought i was only forty-seven, but looking over the paperwork, I...
Posted by Anne Lamott on Wednesday, April 8, 2015