Quirky & Opinionated

What Will This Abstract Image Test Reveal About Your True Self?   <<<link

Quirky & Opinionated

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Based on your associations with the abstract, you tend to be a shy and quiet person, but you also have tendencies to be eccentric and full of energy. Regardless, you are a deep, intellectual thinker who loves helping others and believes firmly in a number of causes. You are a diplomat who is able to easily solve problems and quell conflicts. You don't care for social norms and standards and tend to do things your own way. One of your pet peeves is when people try to constrain or limit you, since you crave freedom and independence. Sometimes you can appear cold or insensitive, but you have a deep and genuine concern for humanity and once you let someone into your world, you are good at expressing your emotions. You have a talent for exploiting your creative imagination for business purposes and this will get you very far.

"deep, intellectual thinker "

THIS MEANS I DON'T REALLY 'DO' IMMATURE OR STUPID HUMOR. I CAN'T HELP IT. IT BORES ME TO NO END AND I ALREADY DID MY MANY YEARS OF TORTURE WHILE BEING A MOM (KID HUMOR CAN BE PAINFUL, "PULL MY FINGER!"), A WIFE (IN-LAW HUMOR CAN BE PAINFUL AS WELL, THE SAME 5 TO 10 STUPID ONE LINERS OR PLAYS ON WORDS ETC. IT'S CRUEL), AND THE MATE OF A POTHEAD (STONED HUMOR IS THE WORST WHEN IT IS ALL THERE IS ANYMORE. NO MATTER HOW INTELLIGENT THE STONER IS THEY BECOME COMPLETE IDIOTS ONCE THEY ARE WASTED.). SO YEAH, NO. I CAN'T MUSTER ANYTHING UP TO PLAY THAT ANYMORE AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BECAUSE PEOPLE SHOULD WANT A GENUINE REACTION NOT 'JUST ANY REACTION' BE IT FAKE OR OTHERWISE. WHAT IS THE POINT OF ME GIVING ANYONE A FAKE RESPONSE EXCEPT TO NURSE THEIR EGO? NO. ASK YOURSELF WHY YOU DO THIS WHEN YOU KNOW IT WILL NOT GO THE WAY YOU DEMAND IT TO GO. WHY YOU KEEP FORCING THE SAME SCENARIOS. WHY YOU NEED THIS ATTENTION RATHER THAN GOING WITHIN AND REPAIRING WHATEVER DAMAGE YOU HAVE THAT INSISTS THAT OTHERS RESPOND TO YOU, NOT HONESTLY, BUT RATHER THE WAY YOU DEMAND/EXPECT? WHY DOES THIS CREATE SO MUCH ANIMOSITY WITHIN YOU? THE ANSWER ISN'T IN MY REACTION OR LACK THEREOF BUT IN YOUR NEED TO REPEAT THE BEHAVIOR THEN LASH OUT.... 

ALSO, THE MORE A PERSON PROTESTS SOMETHING NO ONE HAS QUESTIONED, THE LESS CONVINCING THAT PROTEST WILL BE. IF YOU EQUATE BASIC COURTESY AND BASIC CONSIDERATION TO BEING CALLED PETTY THEN YOU HAVE A SERIOUS ISSUE THAT YOU NEED TO DEAL WITH. YOU NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHY YOU ARE SEEING AND HEARING SOMETHING NOT THERE. IF SOMEONE HAS BLATANTLY PUT YOU INTO QUESTION THEN THERE IS REASON TO BE DEFENSIVE, BUT BASIC COMMON COURTESIES ARE SHOWING AN APPRECIATION NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK. BEING QUIET, NOT TAKING EVERYTHING OFFERED, NOT WANTING TO BE NIT PICKED TO DEATH BECAUSE IT MAKES A PERSON WANT TO KNOCK YOU OUT, ASKING FOR SPECIFICS RATHER THAN THE VAGUE SO THAT A PERSON CAN MAKE SOUND DECISIONS AND CHOICES THAT WON'T CAUSE MORE CRAP.... JESUS FUCK. IF A PERSON COULD JUST GET CLEAR CONCISE ANSWERS AND BE HEARD AND REMEMBERED (WHEN THEY REPEATEDLY GO OUT OF THEIR WAY TO GIVE YOU SPECIFICS AND CLEAR ANSWERS TO NO AVAIL) THEN LIFE COULD TRULY BE WORTH LIVING, BUT NOPE. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES ONE ASKS, THE ANSWERS ARE ALWAYS EITHER VAGUE OR NON-EXISTENT (AVOIDED BY ATTACKS AND THE TWISTING OF WORDS TO DETOUR THE ANSWER). MORE 'FIGHTS' ARE BASED ON THIS ISSUE THAN ANY OTHER. CONSTANT DEFLECTING. 

de·flect

dəˈflekt/

verb

gerund or present participle: deflecting

cause (something) to change direction by interposing something; turn aside from a straight course.

DEFLECTING... THE NEVER FUCKING ENDING DEFLECTING BY THE PEOPLE REFUSING TO STOP AND JUST LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND ALLOW THEMSELVES TO SEE AND BE. THIS NEED TO REFUSE TO ADMIT FLAWS BECAUSE THEN YOU MUST ADDRESS THEM, (BUT YOU MUST ANYWAY BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE SEE'S THEM WHILE YOU PRETEND THEY AREN'T THERE AND AS LONG AS YOU GUYS DO THAT YOU WILL NEVER FIND ANY SELF LOVE). YOU WON'T EVER FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE PERSON YOU ARE, YOU WILL ALWAYS TRY TO DEFEND YOURSELF WHEN NO ONE BUT YOU HAS ACCUSED. YOU WILL GET ANGRY AT THE PEOPLE WHO ACCEPT THEMSELVES. YOU WILL WASTE AN ENORMOUS AMOUNT OF ENERGY ON AVOIDING YOURSELF AND ALIENATING OTHERS. IT'S SUCH A WASTE. WE WILL NEVER GET TIME BACK EITHER. IT'S GONE. WASTED. AND THE PEOPLE YOU PUSH AND HURT WILL NEVER FULLY HEAL FROM THE PAINS YOU INFLICT IN YOUR AVOIDANCE. 

I'M A FUCKING SCREEN ALREADY, SO A FEW MORE FUCKING HOLES WON'T DO MUCH, SO IT'S REALLY A WASTE OF TIME TO CONTINUE TO TRY, BUT OTHERS ARE USUALLY LESS DAMAGED. OTHERS WILL FEEL IT THE WAY I FELT IT WHEN I WAS NOT A PLETHORA OF HOLES AND OPEN WOUNDS. I CAN ATTEST TO HOW CRUEL THAT IS AND ALSO TO HOW YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO BE 'THAT PERSON' TO SOMEONE IF YOU CAN AVOID IT. SO AVOID IT. GO GET THERAPY OR READ SOME BOOKS OR TAKE A FEW PSYCH AND PHILOSOPHY COURSES OR DO SOMETHING, ANYTHING POSITIVE TO STOP THE CYCLE THAT IS EATING UP YOUR LIVES.

AND TRY TO REMEMBER THAT THE PEOPLE YOU HAVE SO MUCH ANIMOSITY FOR THAT HAVE ALREADY DONE THIS INTERNAL WORK WERE ONCE STANDING RIGHT WHERE YOU STAND NOW. THEY'VE BEEN THERE FELT THAT. THE DIFFERENCE IS THE COURAGE TO FACE IT, ACCEPT IT, AND DEAL WITH IT IN A HEALTHY MANNER THAT PROPELS YOU FORWARD, NOT BACKWARDS OR KEEPING YOU TRAPPED IN LIMBO. LIMBO IS HELL. I THINK I AM IN LIMBO UNTIL I MANAGE TO HELP SOMEONE ELSE SEE AND MOVE FORWARD. ITS THE ONLY ANSWER I HAVE TO WHY I KEEP ENCOUNTERING THE SAME PERSON IN A DIFFERENT SHELL. EVERY AGE, GENDER, BACKGROUND... SAME PERSON. SAME DAMAGE. SAME REFUSAL. IT'S A NIGHTMARE I CAN'T ESCAPE. I'VE TRIED. I GIVE UP THOUGH. I ACCEPT THAT THIS WILL NOT END WELL FOR ME. I WILL NOT EVER MANAGE TO REACH ANY ONE OF THESE PEOPLE. MY FAILURE TO HELP WILL BE MY LIFE FAILURE AND I WILL EITHER CONTINUE THIS HELLISH LIMBO OR I WILL END IT THE ONLY WAY I KNOW HOW. SAD FACT. DEPRESSING FACT. IS THIS HOW DOCTORS FEEL WHEN THEIR PATIENT DIES? "I TRIED SO HARD, AND FOR WHAT? THIS?" AFTER A WHILE I CAN SEE HOW MANY DOCTORS JUST GIVE UP ON BEING CONNECTED TO THEIR PATIENTS ANYMORE. THEN AGAIN (THIS IS THE INFJ SPEAKING) I CAN ALSO SEE ALL THE PEOPLE HELPED AND SAVED. ALL THE IN-BETWEENS. SIGH. LIFE AND DEATH SHOULD BE A LOT MORE CUT AND DRY DAMN IT. 

Deflecting Bullshit Like a Boss!! Wonder Woman Reigns!

Deflecting Bullshit Like a Boss!! 

This is (literally, not figuratively) my mental picture when I am with my Mom or anyone I know who is too scared to speak the truth, or admit being human, therefore flawed or responsible for anything,  etc... I am mentally imagining this gif and I hear the Star Wars laser beam fighting sound... lol! 
Pew. 
Pew pew pew. 
Pew. 
Welcome to my mind. Sometimes it is truly entertaining, other times it's a deep ugly dark abyss of 'just give up.' Everything in between is monotonous crap. Of course if you read the shit I vomit here than you know that already. XOXO

And That FB Friend is on A Fucking Roll at Pissing Me Off.

My previous post was about this 'FB friend' and his obsession with what I call self-help guru gods or in other words, The Blind leading the sheep as far as their pockets are deep. OK, that was a stupid line but minimal brain function at the  moment and too much pain as well. Plus, I wasn't signed on to the interwebs for more than 2 minutes before I was forced to write the reply that this post is actually about but my A.D.D. brain has once again driven me off course a bit. (Big breath)
So, I told my mom I am moving out. I sent the email like 4 days ago. She read it last night. In true form she has gone into illogical land and decided to be shocked and hurt rather than elated as she has been drilling into me her deep desire for me to (and I quote) 'get the fuck out of her house so she can have her fucking life back and her friends will stop avoiding her and she can enjoy her life that she hates now BECAUSE OF ME.' Unquote, although a mash-up of quotes it is... So before bed I posted this on my FB page and then took a Xanax so I wouldn't lose my shit:

MY POST: I give my mom exactly what she wants and she has the audacity to be 'hurt and shocked'????? WTF?? A true narcissist (narcopath) in action my friends. No way to win. No way to satisfy them. Always being victimized even by the people they control. It's almost comical. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK! Breathe...
Like   Comment   Share
FRIEND likes this.

REPLIES:

PERSON TRYING TO PUSH ME>>
Your mother is "hurt and shocked" over a gift ?
Like · Reply · 10 hrs <<< MY QUESTION HERE IS WHY ARE THEY COMMENTING ON SOMETHING THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T GRASP? WHY NOT ASK TO CLARIFY? WHY THEN GO ON TO COMMENT AGAIN??????????????????  WHY?!!!!! THEY ASKED FOR IT...

FRIEND She's always seemed happier with an audience.
Like · Reply · 1 · 7 hrs

FRIEND You can't please everybody, now is the time for you to think of yourself.
Like · Reply · 1 · 6 hrs

PERSON TRYING TO PUSH ME>>> 
It may end up better for your own peace, to forgive your mother. If she has narcissistic tendencies, she may be unaware of it. Your parents can die at any moment.
Like · Reply · 6 hrs · Edited  <<<<<<The Comment that pushed me over the edge this morning AND THE EXACT REASON WHY I choose to be an introverted fucking recluse (not now as now is forced but I'll be good with like 1-5 friends. If that. Fuck this shit)

THIS IS ME REPLYING>>> 
The 'gift' is that I am moving. I am giving her exactly what she has been drilling into me almost 24/7 as her deepest desire for the past 2 years. And PLEASE, please, stop giving me advice. I haven't known you long enough to have the patience to hear it and I don't do the 'guru doctor' this says, or 'they say to yadda yadda' thing. 
My life. 
My experience and not the easily categorized and labeled life either. 
So again, as I asked you before; no almost begged you, STOP IT. Everyone dies btw (thanks for the attempt to guilt me into accepting the unacceptable). No one should hold more value where that statement is concerned as everyone has some value to someone somewhere but that is no excuse to accept abuse. NO EXCUSE. And if that is what you tell yourself and others then you are accepting your self worth as less than... and that is all you. Not someone else using and abusing you. Parents and relatives ARE NOT specially licensed to abuse. They get no special 'get out of jail' cards giving them free reign to do so without repercussions. The only person that can do that is you. Anyway, I didn't plan on going to sleep to her shit and waking-up to the guilt fest of eminent death but thanks for the wake-up call.

This reply I did post.

The previous reply (on my previous blog post) I never posted on FB because I was attempting to be a kind and empathetic person who would try to 'let it go' a bit but people are like a manufacturing line of the exact same product. They are so god damn predictable that I just want to scream and break things until I accidently cut an artery and bleed the fuck out. Sweet relief. I can count on one hand the number of people with unique minds that interest me that I know. My kids are two of them. That's 40% of the people. 
I have a week and then I can leave here. I'm elated and freaked out and totally losing my shit trying to sit in this fucking room and wait and now I get to dread my mothers eventual explosion too. Well, at least that will make the staring at the walls and tv a bit more enticing. I need coffee... later people. Or person. Or dead air and crickets. 

My curse, or my salvation?

Although I have never really thought about this in this context (being conscious of doing this), seeing this post suddenly made me aware of the fact that I do this naturally, as in, like a habit. It's a coping mechanism that creates empathy rather than rage in most cases. Most assholes are hurt, angry or lonely children on the inside. This does not justify bad behavior but it helps to defuse anger in reaction to them and their tactics. 

It may be my curse, or my salvation but I am pretty damn sure it is why I haven't gone out and retaliated or just hurt the people who so completely deserve some form of 'payback' or 'reaction of which I stand up for myself or my value.' Basically, I use my words (here mostly) and only occasionally day dream about my bare hands and normal versions of retaliation. Most times, I really wish I could be the person who values themselves enough to not be so got damn logical and empathetic. But, I wouldn't be me anymore and I still like myself. So fuck'em. 

Found on FB

When The Nail Is Hit Perfectly On The Head...

ARIES: This weekend, you may discover surprising news or secrets. If you and a lover or close friend have not been good for one another — for whatever reason — it may be best for you to reconsider your connection and think about why you feel so dependent on their approval. Now it is time to break free from ties that hold you back! (Tangent to follow, sorry! Pre-Adderall kick-in rant) 

(LUCKILY, I HAVE NO LOVER AND NO CLOSE FRIENDS, WHICH I EQUATE TO PEOPLE I CAN SEE AS OPPOSED TO ONES AT THE OTHER END OF THE INTERWEBS THAT MAY NOT EVEN ACTUALLY EXIST BUT RATHER BE FIGMENTS OF MY IMAGINATION. THAT'S THE HORROR OF TECHNOLOGY. PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR WORDS OR CLAIMS OR ALMOST ANYTHING ANYMORE. THEY CAN LITERALLY JUST DISCONNECT AND BE DONE WITH YOU. HOW DO WE KNOW THEY ARE REALLY THERE ANYMORE? ANYONE CAN BE ANYONE AT THIS POINT. THEY ALREADY SAY WHAT THEY WANT WITHOUT ANY INTENTION OR CONCERN FOR THE WEIGHT OF THOSE WORDS ON OTHER PEOPLES LIVES. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I CAN WRITE ON THIS BLOG LIKE I DO. IT'S BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ANYMORE. EVEN THE ONES THAT DO WON'T DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT TAKES TOO MUCH ATTENTION, DRIVE AND ENERGY TO BOTHER. IRONIC. HUH? DAMN NEAR THE ENTIRE WORLD HAS BECOME PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE 14 YEAR OLD'S WHO KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT CAN'T FIND THEIR ASS FROM A HOLE IN THE WALL SO THEY HAVE TANTRUMS AND SLAM DOORS AND SAY CRUEL THINGS THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK AND THEY ARE SO DETERMINED TO HIDE THEIR FLAWS THAT THEY JUST CREATE MORE DRAMA, CHAOS AND PAIN FOR THEMSELVES AND EVERYONE ELSE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM LEARN ANYTHING FROM THE EXPERIENCES, BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT ALL ALREADY. (I'M LAUGHING OUT LOUD) GAWD, WHAT A FUCKING FUCKED UP WORLD IT HAS BECOME. IT'S ON REPEAT OR IT'S SKIPPING LIKE A SCRATCHED RECORD. IT'S ANNOYING. 

NO ONE IS AROUND ANYMORE TO MOTIVE PEOPLE TO BE TRUSTWORTHY OR TRY TO BE BETTER FOR, EVEN IF IT IS ONLY IN TRYING TO EMPRESS SOMEONE; AT LEAST ONE PERSON CREATED DRIVE IN ANOTHER TO TAKE ACTION. THE LEARNING HAS HALTED. PEOPLE SHOULD BE OBSERVING AND IN-TAKING THAT INFORMATION FOR FUTURE REFERENCE. IT'S HOW IT IS WAS DONE. WE WILL SOON BE RIGHT OUT OF THE MOVIE 'IDIOCRACY' FAT, STUPID AND TOO DUMB TO EVEN REALIZE IT. (Click the 'Idiocracy' to see why.))

I JUST PROVED MY GIF WRONG. OBVIOUSLY I GIVE A FUCK. OBVIOUSLY I AM AFFECTED. BUT, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE IT. 

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/08/astrology-gifs-for-the-week-of-august-24-2015.html?mid=facebook_kw&kwp_0=37832&kwp_4=219682&kwp_1=182936

So much to say.

After many hours of attempting to write a lifetime of basically everything of importance that I want to share with my kids I find myself still here. Still lost. If nothing else this blog is a good representation of the insanity verbal abuse, depression, pain and poverty bring upon a person. The crisis and crazy of living this way should be apparent. I'm disappointed in my lack of courage yet I got to express some of the things I worry about missing if I suddenly am gifted with the courage to escape this reality forever. When you have kids, no matter their ages, and you love them from the depths of your soul you don't take ending your life lightly. This isn't some teenager brokenhearted and acting out. This shit is FINAL. You don't get a pass to come back. You don't get a do over. You are here and then you seize to exist. The end. So, in that, a person that knows the value of love is apt to want to feel as though they have finished their business beforehand. That is what we tell ourselves, but we know we will never manage to cover it all. There will always be a regret. That is if there is anything past this. And this my friends is the thought in that moment when you hold the pills in your hand or you make the first cut. Panic. At least for me. In that moment the panic is what takes the courage away and then there is shame for being so weak and knowing that soon enough I will find myself in this moment again so why can't I just do it now? This time I went and attempted to get as much as I could out. It isn't enough, but if I went anytime soon, without further writing, I would at least feel that I said something of importance. I have more but I am long-winded. I did not write nearly enough to my son. I wrote a lot to my daughter. Many pages. I wrote a bit to the masses but in truth, in the end, the kids are most in my thoughts. Everyone else that matters has been privy to this whole ugly thing and this process so they shouldn't have much to question and this blog should fill in any holes, if not, I guess that is life, or is it death? I don't know. I'm still here. I'm neither proud of that fact or horrified. Just tired at the moment. Your judgement is nothing in the big scheme of all this so think what you will. It's a free country (or it once was). 

I take it back.

I DON'T WANT HELP. 
I WANT COURAGE.
I WANT IT TO BE OVER.
I WANT PEACE.
I'M NOT A TAKER BY NATURE AND THIS HAS BEEN TORTURE. BEGGING AND HOPING HAVE KILLED MY SOUL. I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE WHO LIVE LIKE THIS BY CHOICE DO IT BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT BEING LIKE THEM.
SO I TAKE IT BACK...
JUST SEND ME THE COURAGE TO TAKE MY LIFE BACK AND END THE NIGHTMARE ONCE AND FOR ALL. 
I WANT NOTHING ELSE.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND

I REALLY DO NEED HELP.    <<< YOU CAN CLICK HERE AND READ ABOUT IT, OR NOT.

I FOUND THE CONTAINER THAT HOLDS ALL THE TEETH THAT HAVE BROKEN IN THE LAST 2 YEARS... IT'S KIND OF GROSS BUT IT'S EVEN MORE PAINFUL TO HAVE SO MANY DEFECTS IN MY MOUTH FOR SO LONG. IT ALSO SUCKS TO FEEL LIKE PEOPLE THINK I MIGHT BE A CRACK WHORE OR SOMETHING BECAUSE WHEN I SMILE NOW YOU CAN SEE THE POST THAT ONCE WAS THE BASE THAT HELD ONE OF THESE PIECES IN PLACE.
SO ANYWAY, WELCOME TO LIFE.

  

the pain is where the wisdom lies

This post was triggered by this photo on FB and someones reaction  which was 'Well said!' Being homeless is hell and everything is a spiritual journey, or everything is not. Period. Circumstance isn't spiritual neither is hunger or abuse, etc. Poverty is poverty. Don't try to make yourselves feel better about that. We lie to ourselves to cover the truth which is almost always guilt and pain. Stop trying to justify the ugly truth of poverty by excusing it as a journey. It isn't. 

At what point do we stop making excuses for our inhumanity? How many times a day do we come across blatant acts of devaluing people and their circumstances or experiences? Does renaming/labeling some person, circumstance or experience a 'spiritual journey' or 'destiny,' or 'Gods way,' or 'your/their path,' or 'karma,' or any number of friggin' words people use today to separate themselves from judgement or from getting off their asses and doing something to help someone really work? Yes, it does because we are a nation full of excuses and labels doing this very thing to our fellow human beings and even ourselves. We include ourselves in these 'feel-good' or 'feel better,' labels. Instead of telling people the truth (or telling ourselves the truth), we fear our own weakness. We fear our humanity. We fear the judgement of others and the rejection and the disappointment. It's hard to be judged by people, harder by the people you love and respect, but the hardest thing to overcome is the disappointment of abandonment by them when you are most in need of acceptance and action wrapped in pure love. Personally, I have my days where i just want to go back to being ignorant but then I realize that would mean I would still be headed on the path of destruction. I don't want to do this again. This is inhumane yet it has been filed with so much truth. I like not getting annoyed by the posts on my Facebook feed, now that I don't have the 200+ friends' I ditched anymore. I liked defriending the people who made me feel like shit because they never showed anything or they were horribly ignorant and such. It felt good to let them go. I'm lonely as fuck but I don't have to cower when I interact with people I should be able to enjoy. Why? Because they were so determined to believe they knew my (or other peoples) circumstance therefore they could judge and remark and assume to the point of triggering me to cut and they were the worst for posting shit that just tried to box and label my pain (and the pain of others) and no matter how hard I tried to give them different ways to view my side they only saw their own. They were closed and boxed tight, even some people who believed they were super open and progressive. Unfortunately, progressiveness does not come with age or book knowledge but with experience and a lot of pain, (whether people want to accept that or not is their problem but the pain is where the wisdom lies). The opportunity to see beyond the visible layers is always, always there for every single one of us. Most will accept things at face value, like people trying to get help by using wording that might trigger guilt or empathy in others when in fact people should be reacting to what they see on the surface and especially below it. We are a nation of advertisers’ right down to our poverty-stricken. We even run most of our 'help' systems now on votes and social networking span and skill. It's repulsive. I'm doing my best to try to scratch the surface of everyone's protective armor and save this fucking planet but to me I only see a path of destruction due to the lack of backbone and honesty towards ourselves first and humanity after. WE ARE CHOOSING TO BE BLIND, WEAK AND DISHONEST TO OURSELVES. If you start with being honest with you and get really good and comfy with that and then begin to get honest with the people in your world and then outside your world you will find that what others think of you stops mattering. That feeling good inside makes everything tolerable because you have a good strong base to stand on and fight, cry, share or support... It's the answer everyone is wasting their lives trying to find. The answer to all things is BE TRUE. Start in truth and then move on in your decisions and paths. Truth can only be found below the layers you are most fearful of infiltrating. You have to pass through then completely to find truth but once you do you will find your need for things like drugs and anything you abuse will lessen or dissipate. You will be running from fewer demons. You will feel stronger internally. I always have given off a strong external appearance but internally I am shaking like a 9.0 earthquake. The older I got the worst the internal quake got. This last few years has forced me into so many frightening places and so much solitary that all there is to do is reevaluate, and such and eventually you have done that to death so you begin digging around in all the deep dark corners and in that you begin to wage a war on your demons.. OK, 'I' began to wage a war on 'my' demons... Anyway, as all mothers will attest, I would really love to be able to keep a few of you from being forced into actually going through the same level of shit and pain I have been enduring to get to your true selves. As I write this though I can clearly hear both of my kids voices saying that although they understand, that they kind of feel like they have to stumble and fall for themselves. I respect that. I was not that kind of person myself. Maybe it was because I lived through so many tragic experiences that I knew I didn't want nor need more of them to learn my lessons. I would take what I could by observing instead. I am more of an observer today than ever before. It is what drives me to fight and to express myself like this and allow myself to face rejection or judgement, I assume. I see too many people that have SO MUCH and see none of it. Come to me and let me point out how incredibly blessed you are, k? Or not. We all still have the right to choose we just have a hell of a lot less to make those choices from these days I guess. (Heavy release of breath)...
I guess I just had one of my morning pre-coffee, pre-Adderall soapbox moments triggered by a photo that for some reason really flipped a switch in me. No, I know why it triggered me because I was once the person in the photo and I wish the world would stop taking photos and start DOING SOMETHING to alter the existence of the subjects they post about. The time could be so much better spent looking for resources for the people or seeing how much help you can gather to offer someone in need the real tangible help they need to move forward. Sustaining seems to be what people not in crisis think is helpful but at some point that is just torture because you want to die damn it. You want the misery to end. You want someone to see you as more than an animal that needs to be fed a bit every day. Humans need to be useful and they need connection and to use their minds and hearts. We need to be seen as viable and visible. Sustaining us is nothing more than watching us wither away slowly and painfully. Like being in a zoo to be observed, but not touched.
And I did it again, rambling on and on... I MUST STOP NOW. OK. I want to keep going BUT I WILL FIGHT IT.... <3
I lied. I added more in a comment on FB:
People don't want to hear it. They want to hear how strong you are or how much you have grown or learned from it. They want you to box it up all tidy and clean so they can consume it and move on. The uglier it is the most likely it is to be real or true. Unless you have observed excessively and deeply dug the trenches of a persons soul with them and seen otherwise (occasionally people do grow and evolve and become super human) the things that give you a twinge of fear, doubt or distrust in people are the things to pay attention to and base your choices on, IMO. The key is to know yourself deep and true enough to not be making those choices based on your own damage. Yo can't do shit until you come to terms with you completely. Even the scary, ugly shit. You have accept it or alter it enough to accept it fully.

Getting Kicked When You Are Already Down is Cruel

I wish I was dead right this minute. If I have to listen to how I have ruined my mothers life one more time I swear to god... make it stop. She just keeps restarting. I refuse to take responsibility for her choices. I wish I could change the burden I am causing her by existing in her little world and lacking money and resources and friends to rely on and such but she seems to think I want this and it's making me lose it more. I get it. It sucks ass. I've lost all dignity. I am worthless to others. I GET IT. I mean how many times will she tell me how she waited so long for me to never live with her again? She didn't live with me when she was suppose to have been my parent. I lived at my friends house and on the streets. She abandoned me. She packed up and moved away without a word and left my stuff. She acts like I have come to live with her over and over rather than for 3 decades I lived without her except when SHE needed a place to live and then she came to me for a place to live, not the other way around. Hell, even the time we shared the place in Temecula wasn't my idea. I was totally and completely against it, but Paul wanted to do it because he hated the house we had been in for over a decade. And that was the beginning of the lose of my sanity and the entire life I had built for decades. Why am I being punished like this? She should be on Pauls doorstep. I mean if she must blame someone. I didn't kick myself out or cheat or lie or wait until I had total control to decide to show my scumbag side. He did it to me not her and now she punishes me over and over. Gawd, I know what she is going to say word for word before she even starts. I start shaking as soon as I see the body language and hear the tone. 

fuck

fuck fuck

fuck fuck

fuck

Sorry about the rant but I had to do something while she yelled at me...

and I hope you are having a pleasant day! :)

WELCOME TO WHAT POVERTY LOOKS LIKE.

 THIS IS ALL THE FOOD I HAVE IN THE WORLD AND ALL I WILL HAVE SHORT OF A MIRACLE EXCEPT I DON'T BELIEVE IN MIRACLES ANYMORE. PEOPLE SUCK AND THE SYSTEM SUCKS. THAT I BELIEVE. I CAN GET BEHIND THAT BECAUSE I KNOW IT AS FACT. WITH PEOPLE IT'S AT LEAST 75%-90% TRUE. THE SYSTEM? 100% TRUTH. 

I HOPE NO ONE READING THIS EVER HAS TO KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. IF YOU STOP AND TRULY CONTEMPLATE THIS REALITY YOU WOULD FIND THAT IT COMES WITH A PLETHORA OF OTHER ISSUES AS WELL, LIKE ANXIETY ATTACKS, HORRIBLE HEALTH REACTIONS TO SO MUCH SHIT AND SO LITTLE NUTRITION (LIKE SKIN ISSUES AND INTESTINAL ISSUES, MENTAL ISSUES AND PAIN TO START. OH AND THE LOVELY FALLING OUT OF ONES HAIR. THAT'S SUPER FUN.) NO ONE CHOOSES THIS LONG-TERM. I CAN ATTEST TO THE FACT THAT IT IS MUCH EASIER TO DO IT IN YOUR TEENS AND TWENTIES VS. DOING IN NEARING YOUR 50'S. IN MY EARLY 20'S I COULD LIVE OFF A DONUT AND WATER. I KNOW 'CAUSE I DID IT. I WAS HUNGRY BUT I FUNCTIONED WELL CONSIDERING AND I COULD STILL CARRY EVERYTHING I OWNED ON MY BACK AND WALK THROUGH MANY CITIES A DAY. IT ISN'T LIKE THAT ANYMORE. IT HURTS. A LOT. AND I NEVER ONCE TRULY CONTEMPLATED DYING WHEN I WAS YOUNG, BUT IT IS A 24/7 THOUGHT NOW BECAUSE I CAN NOT FATHOM THE DAY THIS IS ALL GONE. DO I EAT DIRT TO SURVIVE? WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS? I SPEND TONS OF TIME ASKING MYSELF THIS QUESTION AND THEN I HAVE AN ANXIETY ATTACK AND I TRY TO SLEEP BECAUSE THERE ARE NO ANSWERS AND PEOPLE DON'T MUCH CARE. THAT WILL ALWAYS BE THE SECOND HARDEST THING TO ACCEPT. THE FIRST IS LEAVING MY KIDS. THE SECOND IS JUST HOW HORRIBLY PEOPLE SUCK. 

Kae Sun - Ship And The Globe - My Death Song (I think)

My death song. 

I hear this non-stop in my sleep. 

I wake up to it. 

It's background music in my dreams. 

It makes me happy and sad, yet it's comforting. 

So, I'm thinkin' it's 'the song.' 

This video is from the K-Drama I love the most and stars my dream crush, Jo In Sung, who is the Asian version of a man I loved but lost touch with about 16 years ago. Oddly his name was Joe too and the water skiing scene is like actually seeing him again for me, which is really nice. 

Since watching these foreign shows and movies is truly what has kept me alive and gotten me through each fucking soul killing minute of the last year or so, it seemed appropriate to use this video rather than the artists video, which for me personally, loses a lot without the connections this one has. Since this blog is basically a diary at this point, for my kids to read someday if they really want to know the ugly bits and pieces; I figured it was important to share more than my pleadings and pain, disappointment, anger and fear, mental break downs, epiphanies, and basic spiral into insanity. This is actually sharing something more personal to me.That may sound crazy but all the ugly painful stuff and soul crushing crap is just my life now. It doesn't at all seem intimate anymore. And since I have pleaded from the mountaintops to the ends of the earth and lost all pride and dignity ages ago, to no avail, I might add, they've all become nothing more than the droning of my minds desperation. 

I wonder what happened to Joe? Too bad he has the absolute most basic of Hispanic names, Jose Luis Garcia. I mean, come ooooon! LOL! And my own name at the time being Michele Powell is a Google search joke! We'd never find one another, even with all today's technology. I can't even remember his birthday, but he was a Gemini and it was in June or July 1967-1970 (somewhere in there). We lived in Vista in North County San Diego and he had a son named Taylor (Tyler? No, Taylor) who would be somewhere around 21 now. Sonja (Sonia?) was Taylor's mom but she moved out of state with him around 2000 I believe. Anyway, we worked at Albertsons together for awhile in Vista, then he worked for a moving company in Oceanside. Graebel movers? Anyway, I always wonder how he is and how Taylor grew up. I hope they are well and happy.

I'd kill to be back in that time slot of 1997 or so. I've pretty much pin-pointed the shifting of my life from normal-ish manageable chaos to slowly working up momentum and spiraling out of control chaos, to mid 1997. Right before my back injury, and meeting my last husband, trading in my car, losing my job, losing my house, moving on base... and meeting P. and his then crazy ass cheating wife who ended up not being as crazy as everyone thought as I now know in spades. 

See people, this is why character is so important. You can't sleep with 3 men at one time (excluding the husband) and then cry wolf to people about how your husband is not what he seems. God damn it if I had just known better though... We have our whole life to redeem ourselves for our bad doings but we can't ever go back and make it right, and that sucks. I know from experience on both sides of the moral coin. I'm not embarrassed to admit that. I learned a lot from my mistakes and that is the best kind of redemption; to learn enough to not do it again. In fact, I learned too much and took too much to heart and carried way too much guilt. It's a huge reason why I stayed by P.'s side for 14 years and another year under the same roof making sure all his bills got paid and crap, like a good little wifey. All while getting the joys of listening to him fuck his cheating (on her husband) girlfriend in my old bed and walking in on them not once but twice having oral sex in my living-room... gawd, can't you just hear the howling of my dying dignity?? You'd be amazed what people can put up with to keep a roof over their kids head or their own head.

Sigh...

That went a bit off course. 

O.K.

WAY OFF COURSE.

So here is the video and song.

BTW, It isn't as morbid as you might think to have a death song. Something comforting to listen to on the way out? How is that a bad thing? 

2 YEARS AGO. I GUESS I WAS WAKING UP.

HARD TO BELIEVE I WROTE THIS POST ONE MONTH SHORT OF TWO YEARS AGO. IT SEEMS LIKE DECADES. EVEN HARDER TO BELIEVE THINGS GOT WORSE, TO LEVELS EVEN I COULD NOT IMAGE. YET I AM STILL BREATHING, FOR NOW.
THIS WAS ONLY MY 3RD POST ON THIS BLOG TOO. I'M SO SAD NOTHING HAS IMPROVED BUT RATHER WORSENED. I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED I WOULD BE NEAR STARVING, ALONE AND COMPLETELY ISOLATED AS I AM OR THAT I WOULD HAVE EVER DROPPED OUT OF SCHOOL. OR THAT I WOULD GO ALMOST A YEAR WITHOUT SEEING EITHER OF MY KIDS OR THAT I WOULD SPEND 4 YEARS OF LOST CHRISTMAS', BIRTHDAYS AND LIFE EVENTS ALONE, WITHOUT THEM. OR THAT SO MANY FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS WOULD LET ME DOWN. AT LEAST I HAVE PROOF THAT I STILL HAD SOME SENSE OF HOPE BEFORE I BECAME THIS PERSON I AM NOW.
CHECK IT:

My life is a big fat piece of BITTERSWEET. Every positive comes with a negative, but the negatives always far outweigh the positives it seems. Very cruel, very unusual punishment for Gawd knows what, which leads to a whole new addition to the mind fuck. Why? You could truly drive yourself insane trying to figure out WHY. I know because I am right there in the eye of why.  A tornado of moments spinning around me in a fit of mass destruction and fury, beating me alive with its ferocity. I was bloody and done a year and a half ago, now I am just an echo trying to grasp something to keep me from vanishing completely. There isn't anything to grasp to though. What I do attempt to grab burns me, leaving new scars on top of the ones that have yet to begin to heal. I am down to bone and raw nerve now. No protection from the elements. Nothing to ease the glare. I feel everything to ninth degree. I see everything without goggles or veils. I hear the unspoken. There could be beauty in all this rawness in a better situation and it angers me to be wasting it because THIS is where I am. People don't get it. They think they do but it takes just moments of interaction to see how they don't. Life is levels. The deeper you go the more it hurts. The more raw it gets. The more misunderstood YOU get, Maybe this is why those who dig into these layers end up in monasteries or become monks. Eventually, you are just alone surrounded by people floating through a script they wrote but won't admit they can edit because it's too much work and it would mean getting ink on their hands. It becomes very disheartening. Disappointing. Sad. I feel like a ghost that people occasionally interact with but never really see as a whole being. I've pondered becoming a monk, but the idea of being even further in my own head petrifies me. It's scary in here most of the time.
I normally would bring up my kids when I talk about all this as they are THE reason for me, but for some reason(? new word) I feel like I should keep them somewhat disconnected from all this (posting) as they are too much perfection to treat like therapy, as this is what all this feels like. My version of therapy, most likely a subconscious attempt to prevent suicide. My soul's way of fighting without me knowing it still wants to. I will say this about my children and myself, they are AMAZING. I did that. I gave them everything I could that I didn't get and look at them. Simply the greatest most excellent piece of my fucked up life. Worth every nano second of shit I have lived. But, they are adults now with lives of there own, just as it should be and I forgot to take care of me so that when they did what they were meant to do, I should have been able to do what I was meant to do, but I have zero ideas on what that is and there is so much HERE to deal with that focusing one that seems impossible. I can't even dig that far down to touch myself at this point. I'm right over there>>> but I can't grasp me.
Sigh. I have homework. I need to try to focus on it. It used to come so easily to get lost in education but this semester it feels like quicksand. It feels like my entire life. A burden. Another thing to think about and worry about and try to do my best at but never feeling like I hit that level. It is the only financial support I have though, so I must put my head down and march for as long as I find I am capable.

Be well. Be real. Don't follow. Please. I beg of you to not follow the masses. It is tough to do but it is so much better to at least know you are real and if you can do it then others can as well, so you expect more of them and when you  see less you walk away. You just turn around and go, because you don't need that shit. You deserve more than a masked friend or mate. You deserve what you are willing to be and work for. It won't come fast. These people are rare. They are tough to find. Just hang in there if you can. As long as I am typing then you know you are not alone. <3
Posted by Michele Powell at 8/28/2013 03:23:00 PM 

Scapegoat Problems and Two Narc Parents

Yesterday was seriously tough, now that I have two parents expressing the burden that my fate has made of me and that I have always been to them, even when I didn't exist in their life for years. I seem to have all this power that only my abusers can see and it only hurts them as well. It's weird, but if I could really control basically everything from lost false teeth (Mom) to the loss of ones house due to non-payment (Dad, over the 16 years we didn't speak. I am powerful! ) to the loss of ones ability to do anything for themselves anymore (My moms newest thing to blame on me) or their drinking and drug habits (still mom), or their electricity usage (more mom) or their choices to take loan after loan out to fix a car that isn't worth the first loan and the car still doesn't run- $12,000 in loans later (and more mom), than you would think I could get the fuck out of this mess and away from these people. I mean you can only blame someone else for so much when they are literally either not in your life at all or they have zero control and you hold ALL the control. It's like being an animal basically, but one no one wants. Easy to abuse. 

This addresses the last three years and a lot of what yesterday showed me about my father and not just my mother.


I'm tired of being tired and all out of positives to pretend the negatives aren't so bad. And feeling guilty is old too, as is thinking non-stop and running into walls. I literally think about things like banging my face into the wall, or the mirror or punching myself so I have some visual external evidence of what it feels like internally since there is zero acknowledgement that I am human anymore and feel pain and have emotions.     
                                                                                                 
Not joking but there is a certain amount of humor in the process of losing ones sanity/grip, don'tcha think? It starts out kind of chaotic and messy then there is a sweet spot that is rather beautiful where you gain a whole lot of wisdom no one understands or cares about except you and then you hit where I am now, which is really reverting back to early childhood when you would do anything to be seen and heard before you give up and let go of everything you have learned about 'controlling ones self,' and you fall to floor and let go of every bit of composure and obedience drilled into to you up to that point... and you scream and yell and plead and reason, as an adult reverting back to tantrums of childhood which I didn't get to actually have in childhood, until you just stop and realize the facts.  They don't care. They will never care. You were not born to them for any other purpose than to fill a void momentarily such as loneliness or as a tool to manipulate or in my case both. As soon as you became a liability or a burden, or too tall and skinny and gawky to take anywhere, or too independent or too broken or just 'in the way,' etc.  you/I seize to exist. When you can no longer serve their purposes or be there for them in just exactly the way they demand YOU BECOME WORTHLESS. NOTHING and the new villain in their stories. Even in nothingness they find a way to abuse your memory. And even with all that, you tell them that you love them, and ask them if they love you at all? Screaming, begging for an answer, only to get "I suppose if I dig deep enough..." and then the awesome throw back of the sarcastic "I know it's all my fault. Everything is my fault." But the answer to that is, "Yes, it is your fault, for not growing up and for having a child you had no intention of caring for and for being a selfish shithead of a parent," but instead you reply the same logic and reason shit we all say, "Did I say that? No, I didn't say that. YOU said that." And the message never gets through and nothing is ever resolved and you lay there exhausted and wet from sweat and tears and blood and no one else notices or cares. 

I swear someday I will find access to tools to record this insanity to prove I am not making it up. Of course I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone but I've been forced to do it my entire life so why not now? At least this is to support my words rather than prove my innocence. Or maybe this is the programmed me thinking I should do what I have been doing my entire life to defend myself? Yes, true. But, also, this is the kind of shit people never believe really happens or said in reality. The insanity of some of it could be quite comical if it weren't me being the target, or any human being or feeling thing. 

Yeah.

Does It Ever Start Getting Better or at Least Not Worse?

Oh God, I am so incredibly screwed. 
The only reason I have managed to stay fed for the past few months is because of the kindness of a very dear to my heart friend who has been sending me $200 a month to stay fed. Now, I have 2 credit cards that I accepted and used to feed my son and myself when we first ended up on this hill of hell. Both were maxed out when my son got lucky and managed to escape and that was why I sent him away in the first place. We had absolutely zero money left. 
So today this dear friend let me know that, due to issues beyond her control, she will not be able to continue, at least for a few months. I get it. I love her and I know I don't even deserve it. I appreciate it beyond words, but I am fucking scared to death now. I don't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for any of this but that's pretty obvious. Anyway, I can't really relate the level of internal fear and anxiety I am feeling at this moment. As it was the $200 paid the $75 for the 2 credit card payments at bare minimum payments, the $30 it costs in gas to get down the hill to food (once a month) and that left me with $95 for food a month... A MONTH, and I was thankful for that. But now what? 
Now...
what?
OMG. Breathe.
I just want to be able to breathe.
I miss my old, shitty, fucked up, lie filled life. It's amazing how beautiful shit becomes when you reach this level of poverty and desperation. I will never again question how people end up dead, insane, immoral, addicted, fat or just what seems worthless while living in complete poverty. My homeless years made me think it just took more internal strength to survive but I have officially been knocked off my high horse. I get it now. I was lucky back in those homeless days, I just wasn't all that aware of it then. 
I am now. 
God, what am I going to do? 
Breathe.
Try to breathe.

What Do They See?

I wish daily that what I feel emotionally and physically (chronic pain) was visible. I think I would rather walk around looking scary but being understood and cared for than having no one give a shit because I 'look fine' on the outside. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I cut is to create SOMETHING that can be seen. What I have figured out though is that with all the damage I have done to my left arm not a single person has EVER acknowledged it, including doctors. It's rather mind boggling. I can't figure out if I am really THAT irrelevant or if the entire world is actually that lacking in the thing that makes me reach out to those in need, whatever that is in me.  (This was a FB comment I made and realized how deeply I meant it, so I had to share it here. No idea what the point is but I am compelled to do it.) 

The Job Search and some more art therapy.

I call this one "Neener Neener." It makes me smile... 

So, I've been at this attempt to find a place to go or get a running car for ages and ages now. I spent all morning researching monasteries and communes, again. I am not religious but if I had to pick one it would be Buddhism or Hinduism. I didn't find anything that I could get to or qualify for since longterm stays almost always require 'visitation' previously, and that ain't possible. I almost had a live-in opportunity but my lack of transportation made the interviewing impossible. We Skyped, but they wanted a face to face, as expected, and of course, that requires a vehicle and a big chunk of gas money, which I don't have anyway. I tried though. I almost thought it was going to work out but my mom would only let me use the truck if I did it while following her down the hill to smog her car. This means careful planning since the person interviewing me was going to meet me in the nearest city, which is 35 miles away. He refused to schedule an actual date and time and since I have to borrow the truck and also have to know that my mom will be ready to leave at whatever time as well, it all became ridiculous. I don't even know why he bothered to interview me and interact if he was going to not be capable of scheduling a specific time and day. He did however text me at 8:16 am and say if I replied before 8:30 am he could meet me at 10 am. Well, how the hell am I suppose to manage that? A) I'm in bed sleeping, so I am not dressed or ready, particularly for an interview, B) my mom is asleep as well, and C) he knows I don't have a car at will and D) I have to drive a 35 mile distance on rural two lane roads. That means it takes me a lot longer to get anywhere than jumping on the freeway or driving multi-lane roads. Ultimately, I have given up on that prospect. He seemed to be purposely making it impossible for me even when he was fully aware of the circumstances. What kind of boss would this person be then? And maybe it is my age or all the damage recently, but how does it not at all seem to be taken into consideration that I am a female taking the great risk of moving into someone who is a complete strangers home? Do these people not realize that they too are being interviewed? Anyway, the bleakness becomes ever bleaker. And no one really cares, do they? It's truly the ME generation, or shall I say generationS, plural. 

How to avoid committing suicide

How to avoid committing suicide

Click the lime title/link above to read.

I'm still in the dark void but I could have written almost this entire story myself (including the line about throwing ones self into oncoming traffic and the cutting and the school and on and on...), except that, as I said, I am still in the dark void part since they took my Adderall last year. It's insightful if you have the desire to understand.

Robert Delong - Long Way Down

Nothing is the answer.

Well, I can now say that I have tried everything. I made my final plea and asked my ex if I could move back if him and his gf ever split. To clarify, that would be to use a spare room not to couple up. A few years ago I would have laughed in a persons face who had suggested that I might one day find myself this pathetic, needy and hopeless. Being as I was always the problem solver finding myself this lacking at something so important as saving my own life seems... what's a good word? Unreal? Not really intense enough. Fathomless works.
So between trying to figure out how to get rid of all this useless shit and how to get my son his shit since he still hasn't found a way to come pick it up and worrying about the fact that I will be abandoning a child/adult who needs me, no matter what anyone else believes, I feel rather frustrated. Autistics, whether high functioning or not need to have someone near they can trust to remind them and push them to do some of the basics required for adult life. Like taxes, and getting health insurance and eating somewhat decent once in awhile and so on. When I sent my son away I believed the people around him would be more supporting but it seems they think getting him to stop smoking is smarter than replacing the cigs with alcohol, which horrifies me since drug and alcohol addiction not only run on both sides of the bloodline in mass, but also because Autistics tend to have high addiction issues as well. He still can't drive but "Hey! He drinks all weekend with us!" Thanks for the fucking support. Anyway, I haven't seen either of my kids in about 6 months. I guess holding on to hoping to spend some time with them is fruitless. Maybe it is better this way. Maybe the void will just seem normal.
I don't know.
I don't know shit. That is what this life has taught me. No one knows a god damn thing. That's nirvana. That's the big answer to the big question we spend our lives trying to find. We know nothing and without love and support nothing flourishes.