Friday, June 20, 2014

WTF Has Happened To Family?

My son has 9 aunts and uncles. NINE. How is it even possible that we can't find one person to extend a hand to us or just him? His father is dead and I have been fully responsible for him for 26 years. No child support. No weekends off. Nothing, and I wouldn't change that, but right now I need to get my son a place away from here and not a single person has extended a hand. Not for me and not for him. Now, that is not to say that a few amazing people have not sent a bit of money so we didn't starve back in January/February, but that has been it. Unfortunately, we need more help than that.
Now here is the real bitch. If I don't get him out of here then he will be the person who finds my dead body. I have considered committing myself, but I can't leave him here to starve with my mother and her insanity. He can't even drive. I can only hold on so long. I have no real desire to die but I must get away from the poison because the poison makes my mind say, "Do it. End it. Do it now or keep suffering." I'm not sure how many people truly understand the emotional and verbal abuse of a parent, particularly the mother. It is nothing like the abuse of any other person. A parent hits every single weak spot a child has. After all, they were the ones who created those holes in their childs soul in the first place. And in my case, I have not done anything to create this illogical animosity towards me. I was a pretty damn great child and teen. I never was in trouble for my own actions, although all through school I was truant due to my inability to get to school based on my parents drug abuse and fighting and tearing out the wiring on the car to avoid escape and such. I didn't do drugs, get pregnant, drink (although I tried but it wasn't for me), steal, etc. I continue to be that same person. In the 6 months we have been here I have not borrowed a penny, stolen, eaten her food, brought a single guest over, used any other part of her house except the kitchen possibly 10 times and one load of laundry a week. Two if it was longer between loads. I have given here every extra dime I have had, which granted hasn't been much but for us it has been loads. She spent a year and a half living with us, running our utilities up, causing horrible relationship strife, neighbor feuds that led to weekly visits from the county housing and codes guy, and on and on and yet she thinks she owes me nothing and that the disaster of my life these past two years was somehow created to hurt HER. To make HER suffer. To ruin HER life. WTF?
She hasn't acknowledged my pain or loss in any way whatsoever. I lost EVERYTHING. Emotionally, materialistically, dignity, physically I have suffered more than she could imagine, yet it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
So this went a bit off topic, which was getting my son somewhere safe and comfortable so I can go try to save my life, but it helps to clarify why I am in this state of mind. So there ya go...
Anyway, 9 aunts and uncles. NINE. 

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

No Child.

No child should have to bleed to survive a parents need to control.
No parent should turn a blind eye and let their own child die, for control.
And, although a child has given everything they can, forgiven the unforgivable and continued to do for that parent what they could, no parent should conveniently forget those acts and sacrifices. Not for control. Not for attention. Not for power or sympathy.
A parent such as this should thank the gods that their child continues to care for them, because when that child has bleed all that they can and have succumed to all the abuse and disrespect, who will that parent turn to? Who will they have left to abuse and destroy to appease their sick needs? Who will they manipulate? And will be left to love them?
No one.

So fuck you.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

That One Color

Depression is like trying to not see a color while locked in a room where everything is painted that particular tone. Even when you close your eyes... the color bleeds through. There is no escape. No matter how many other pigments you remind yourself exist, no matter how many people describe all the other hues, all you can see anymore it THAT ONE COLOR.

All I see around me is this glow. When I close my eyes, it seeps its way in. When I am reminded of the rainbow I can not grasp the image long enough for it to take. To imbed itself in me again. And when it goes, everything becomes an even more intense version of THIS ONE COLOR.

Angus and Julia Stone - For You


Thursday, June 12, 2014

Being a Female In a Desperate Situation

Being a female in a desperate situation is nothing like being a male in the same situation. I am awestruck by the audacity of men and their ideas and versions of 'helping' which all include this expectation because I am a female. I know men who are drug users and make the same bad choices over and over and over again and they never run out of friends to lend a hand or offer money and places to stay and cars. It is fucking INSANE, yet all I have had is men who think I will give my dignity away for a god damn day out of this hell or a 'chance' to have a better life, but a cage is a fucking cage. Been there Honey, lived that. One is no better than the other.

So, in the end there is nothing but pain, loneliness and betrayal. For us women anyway. No wonder I spent almost my entire life wishing I was a man. 

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Welcome to one of my many nightmares.

Luther: Season 1: Episode 1.4 Did I Just Miss A Bullet?

I am having a REALLY bad week, or weeks; plural. Hell, months, years... whatever. Anyway, my coping skills become more and more limited. Netflix and a razor are pretty much all that keep me going these days. So after 166 episodes of Bones, which was excellent btw, I am now watching BBC's Luther.

In episode 1.4 I was taken aback by the realization that I may have dodged a horrifying bullet. If you choose to watch the episode then I will ask you to focus on the scene where Linda is brought into the interrogation room. Listen to her tell how long and why she stayed with this man. Connect to the way he manipulated her into staying with his threats of suicide and his attempts as well... that was me. Now, that isn't much in itself. I mean for normal people it might be but in my life it really is just a small beast. What is terrifying is the path her husband eventually pursues. What is terrifying is that much of that path reflects the horrific things my ex was writing about doing on a very public website.

So here I was being manipulated in the same way as this character by a person writing about stalking and raping women. Did I dodge a bullet when I figured it all out or did he stage everything to attempt to save himself from eventually acting out on his writings? Or, did he act any of those writings out and I just don't know about it? Or, did he act them out sexually with people he was sleeping with to detour from actually doing the things he wrote about? Either or, it is terrifying to imagine. It is why I sent my daughter away as soon as I found the writings. It is one of the many reasons I am so horribly broken today.

Welcome to one of my many nightmares... 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

So done.

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

“When a child first catches adults out -- when it first walks into his grave little head that adults do not always have divine intelligence, that their judgments are not always wise, their thinking true, their sentences just -- his world falls into panic desolation. The gods are fallen and all safety gone. And there is one sure thing about the fall of gods: they do not fall a little; they crash and shatter or sink deeply into green muck. It is a tedious job to build them up again; they never quite shine. And the child's world is never quite whole again. It is an aching kind of growing.”
― John Steinbeck, East of Eden

“Many kids, it seemed, would find out that their parents were flawed, messed-up people later in life, and I didn't appreciate getting to know it all so strong and early.”
― Aimee Bender, The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Agendas Suck.

I'm am so tired of interacting with people who have a goal, which is to be with me, and in that they disregard all pertinent information that detours from that goal. For example, when I say that I can not tolerate being a passenger in a vehicle and then they repeatedly ask me to go on long drives to places with them. They do not offer to let me drive, they just keep attempting to make plans with me to go places. So, after repeating myself a few times I am then forced to make shit up. I hate having to do this.

If I am sick then why would someone keep trying to get me to do things with them? I AM SICK. How difficult is this to comprehend? If I say that my daughter is very busy with school and work then why offer to drive me to see her when you know SHE IS BUSY and I GET CAR SICK? I know that on some level this is a person attempting to be considerate, but at the same time, this is more of a person who has an agenda. I am sick to death of people and their agendas. Is there no one left with heart? Or is it all about the agenda today?

If you have a desire to help a person, then you help. You do not attach an agenda to it. That is blackmail. That is manipulation. Only if a person agrees to trade one for the other are they obligated to anything. If a person accepts work from another then all the person making the offer should expect is that the person doing the work put the required effort into that work expected. There should not be expectations beyond that. There is a very sick flaw in todays world that everyone is either a pimp or a prostitute. Why? Since when? I don't owe anyone my heart, body, time or mind just because they have offered to give me a bit of work. I should only owe my time agreed upon and a good work ethic while doing it.

If I was capable of pimping myself out then I would be doing pretty damn good right now, but I can't and I won't.

Rant over for now...