Monday, December 30, 2013

Staind- Something To Remind You



So this is it
I say goodbye
To this chapter of my ever-changing life
And there's mistakes
The path is long
And I'm sure I'll answer for them when I'm gone

So when the day comes and
The sun won't touch my face
Tell the ones who cared enough
That I finally left this place

That's been so cold
Look at my face
All the stories it will tell I can't erase
The road is long
Just one more song
A little something to remind you when I'm gone
When I'm gone

The road to hell
Along the way
Is paved with good intentions so they say
And some believe
That no good deed
Goes unpunished in the end or so it seems

So when the day comes and
The sun won't touch my face
Tell the ones who care enough
That I finally left this place

That's been so cold
Look at my face
All the stories it will tell I can't erase
The road is long
Just one more song
A little something to remind you when I'm gone
When I'm gone

So this is it
I say goodbye
To this chapter of my ever-changing life
And there's mistakes
The path was long
And I'm sure I'll answer for them when I'm gone
When I'm gone

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

IT WAS ONE YEAR AGO EXACTLY, TO THE HOUR, THAT I FINALLY GOT AWAY FROM J. AN EPIC COMING TOGETHER OF FATE AND TIMING AND YOVILLE. WHAT I THOUGHT WOULD BE THE BEGINNING OF BIGGER AND BETTER TIMES AS WELL. MAN, WAS I DELUSIONAL. NOTHING COULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR THIS. 
SO HOW DO YOU APPROACH A NEW YEAR FROM A PLACE LIKE THIS? 
I CAN'T WISH FOR LOVE AS I AM TAINTED TO THE POINT OF CAT LADY STATUS.
I CAN'T WISH FOR PROSPERITY BECAUSE IT'S BEEN OPPOSITE-VILLE FOR AGES. I AM TOO SCARED TO HOPE OR WISH FOR GOOD THINGS ANYMORE. 
ROCK BOTTOM SEEMS TO BE A NEVER ENDING PIT, WHICH MEANS I CAN'T STAND UP BECAUSE THERE IS NO FLOOR.
I'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH AND LEARNED SO MUCH THAT I AM SCAREY TO BE AROUND IT SEEMS. 
NEW PEOPLE EITHER THINK I AM A LIAR OR WANT TO TREAT ME LIKE J DID AND MY MOM DOES. 
I AM A LEPER. I GET WHY AT THIS POINT, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET ABOVE AND BEYOND. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE THIS LONELY AND EMBRACE THAT THIS IS IT. THIS IS HOW IT WILL BE AND I MUST FIND A WAY TO BE OK WITH THAT. I AM A CAREGIVER BY NATURE. I LIVE TO LOVE. I LIVE TO PROTECT. HOW DO I CHANGE THE VERY ESSENCE OF MY BEING TO SOMETHING VOID OF THE VERY BREATH THAT I NEED TO FUNCTION? THE MOST NATURAL THING I KNOW IS TO LOVE AND CARE FOR OTHERS. MY KIDS ARE GROWN, I HAVE NO FAMILY AND I AM TO BE ALONE AS WELL. WTH DO I DO TO FUNCTION AND EMBRACE THIS REALITY WHILE STILL FEELING REASON ENOUGH TO LIVE?
IMAGINE LOSING YOUR GREATEST ABILITIES. AS AN ARTIST YOUR HANDS OR VISION. A SINGER, YOUR VOICE. A WRITER, YOUR ABILITY TO THINK. 
I'M SO LOST AND IT SEEMS THAT EVERYONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY THOSE THAT DON'T KNOW THEIR OWN ASS FROM A HOLE IN THE WALL FEEL THE NEED TO TELL ME HOW PATHETIC I AM. IF YOU CAN LISTEN TO MY LIFE STORY; THE PAST TWO YEARS PARTICULARLY, AND STILL BELIEVE THAT MY EPIC BOUTS OF DEPRESSION, PAIN, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS HAVE NOT BEEN EARNED THEN YOU ARE TRULY HEARTLESS AND BROKEN YOURSELF. YOU LACK THE TRUE MEANINGS OF LOVE AND EMPATHY. YOU STILL HAVE A LOT OF GROWING AND LEARNING TO DO. I FIGURE I SCARE YOU GUYS AND THIS IS WHY YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE FREE REIGN TO SPEW YOUR BULLSHIT JUDGEMENTS ON ME. 
WE ALWAYS TRY TO DESTROY WHAT WE FEAR, DON'T WE?
WE RUN AWAY, AND WE ATTACK AND WE AVOID. JUST LIKE I AM DOING ABOUT HOPE AND POSSIBILITY. I FEAR ANYMORE REJECTION, ABUSE OR LETDOWNS. SO I AM PUSHING POSSIBILITY AWAY BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN NOT TAKE ANYMORE BAD. ESPECIALLY BAD THAT I HAVE SOMEHOW CHOSEN WITH MY STUPID HOPES AND DREAMS. OR BAD COMING FROM THINKING I SEE SOMETHING SPECIAL IN OTHERS. 
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: ONLY SEE WHAT IS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME. NO MORE LOOKING DEEPER OR PAST THE SURFACE ANYMORE. 

HAPPY ALMOST NEW YEAR. I LOVE YOU. 



People Like Me...

The meaning to live? Of/To life? Both? Hmmm...

La Roux - I'm Not Your Toy To D.



"I'm Not Your Toy"

Love, love is like a stubborn youth
That you'd rather just deny
I'm walking on a broken roof
While I'm looking at the sky

It's all false love and affection
You don't like me you just want the attention
I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy

Love, love hides in a smoky light
I can never find the truth
Boy, your touches leave me mystified
I wish I could believe in you

Yes, it's all false love and affection
You don't like me you just want the attention
I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy
I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy

It's all false love and affection
You don't like me you just want the attention

I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy
I'm not your toy
This isn't another girl meets boy

An Adventurous Life

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Becoming Overman.

FULL ARTICLE HERE:
http://www.creativitypost.com/philosophy/friedrich_nietzsches_guide_to_conquering_your_existence

"Usefulness of the Overman
Some have dismissed Nietzsche’s theory of the Overman as an unattainable idealization. Personally, I think doing so is near-sighted. From the theory of the Overman, we can at least glean several very important and useful axioms:
1) Pain is necessary for positive transformation and should be embraced.
I’ve actually written at length about this idea and how it necessitates a new conception of “happiness.” Basically, pain (emotional, physical, existential, etc.) is an inevitable aspect of life. Most of us allow it to become a source of anxiety or deeper sadness because we feel guilty about it — we wonder why we aren’t happy. Instead, we should realize that it is through our difficult experiences that we become resilient and more appreciative of life. Thus, we should instead accept altogether that pain cannot be avoided. We should embrace it and observe it calmly.
2) In order to liberate ourselves, we must wage war against control by external authority.
If our thoughts and actions are being dictated by entities outside of us, we cannot truly know ourselves. Thus, we cannot live authentically. I believe that the lives and ideas of others can still inspire and influence our lives and ideas. But, the key is to never be influenced blindly or to assume anything you “know” is absolute. We must develop the ability to entertain any idea without accepting it, allowing those parts of it that resonate as true to become infused into our unique and ever-changing worldview. We must make every idea our own, altering and understanding it in a way that is specific to our spirit.
3) We must cultivate great courage, strength, and audacity in order to truly sever our puppet strings.
There’s a reason most people walk blindly through life — it’s terrifying to pursue the alternative. Choosing to pursue truth and freedom at all costs is a painful and often lonely existence. The rewards, though, are galactic in their grandeur. The sense of freedom and power and oneness and love that one can attain in the pursuit of a higher existence are indescribable jewels of the human experience. But, as Nietzsche stresses, we truly must become lions to follow the path of spiritual growth. We must find in ourselves a place of unparalleled resolve and boldness to rise above those who wish to control our lives.
4) Our goal should be to affirm life and to dance with it: to play and create as children.
The child not only accepts life, but exalts it in full. The child-spirit recognizes that its own thoughts and expectations are the source of its experience, whether positive or negative. Thus, it chooses to live in a spontaneous, easy-going, and celebratory state. In doing so, it is able to “go with the flow”, per se, rather than swim against it. It is able to create purely because it lives authentically, tapping into the infinite imagination of the universe. We must aim to do so as well.
This article originally appeared at HighExistance.
- See more at: http://www.creativitypost.com/philosophy/friedrich_nietzsches_guide_to_conquering_your_existence#sthash.pOddr8Sm.dpuf "

When Did Money Replace Love?

At this point I am waiting to be blamed for global warming and obesity in the US. I seem to be at fault for everything else. This woman is INSANE. The electricity is fixed the teeth are back but now I am at fault for her $500 speeding ticket, the $140 addition to her electric bill of which we were here for 5 days of and no electric for 3 of them, AND the taxes on her house, which according to her she will lose because of us being here (for two weeks so far). Is this insanity unique to me or is anyone else living in a nightmare? I mean for real? When I say I am selling my car and will give her money she yells at me for it. Says how will I get around? Um, how will I get around with a car that doesn't run anyway? And how the fuck do I get the bitch off my ass if I don't have cold hard cash to appease the beast? I mean WTF? Yep, it is ALL about the green. LOL. No love here.

Friday, December 27, 2013

D... Word. Done.



                                               "Smoke Rings In The Dark" Gary Allan

Well I won't make you tell me
What I've come to understand
You're a certain kind of woman and
I'm a different kind of man
I've tried to make you love me
You're tried to find a spark of the flame that burned and
Somehow turned to smoke ring in the dark

The loneliness within me
Takes a heavy toll
'Cause it burns as slow as whiskey through an empty aching soul and
The night is like a dagger
Long and cold and sharp
As I sit here on the front steps
Blowing smoke rings in the dark

I- I- I know I must be going
'Cause loves already gone and
All I'm taking with me are the pieces of my heart and
All I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark

The rain falls where it wants to
Wind blows where it will
Everything on earth goes somewhere
But I swear we're standin' still
So I'm not going to wake you
I'll go easy on your heart
I'll just touch your face and drift away
Like smoke rings in the dark

I- I- I know I must be going
'Cause loves already gone and
All I'm taking with me are the pieces of my heart and
All I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark

If You Want A Simple Life DO NOT DO THIS


My New Year Wish to You


When I Cook or Write

Secret Angel Delivery (+playlist)

Thursday, December 26, 2013

I'm Done Giving a Shit About Old Fucked Up Men With No Heart or Souls.

You hear that? I didn't think so. Too fucking self absorbed, making bullshit excuses so you can not give anything back to the people dishing out concern, help, love, kindness, or whatever else you get from the entourage that you keep around you. Most people suck. I know this, but I have never been able to truly believe it enough to not give everyone a chance... or three... or enough chances to hurt me or even destroy me. New year, new choices. FUCK YOU. That is my new choice to anyone who doesn't treat me right from the get go. I don't give a fuck if you are wounded or broken or addicted or a victim. If you don't have it now I have to assume you never will no matter your circumstances. I don't owe a damn thing to anyone but my kids and enough people to count on one hand. So I will say it one last time ...
FUCK YOU AND FUCK OFF AND HAPPY NEW YEAR FOOL. Oh, and stop bitching about how all you want is to love and be loved. BULLSHIT. Now, shut the fuck up. 

Dear Agony- Yadda Yadda Yadda

Dear Agony

Michele • 2 months ago
Sometimes death seems the only way out. Sometimes this is the only light visible. Maybe the universe is just trying really hard to get this message to me and as long as I ignore it, I suffer more. This is how it feels. This is the only answer as to 'why' that I can come up with. Even those that have caused much of this chaos are incapable of telling why they have done it. Even they claim to not think it is deserved yet there it is and there it continues to hit with the intensity of the oceans and the winds and the universe. So, this idea that it will improve looks pretty damn bleak from these shoes. I wish it didn't but it does and all the positive intentions and prayers and output of cries for help or respite or even just acknowledgement go unanswered. I'm tired. I'm in pain. I am not the strong person I once was and I just want to feel something that doesn't hurt. So yeah. There it is. Dear Agony... Please just go away. MP
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Dear Agony  Michele • 2 months ago
Hi Michele. I certainly understand that depth of suffering and I'm sorry you're going through the "dark night of the soul" right now. Please know that everything does happen in cycles and you can certainly get through whatever pain you're experiencing now. I have been there several times myself and I can honestly tell you that the old saying "When you're at the end of your rope, hang on" applies.
Life changes on a dime and what we feel as insurmountable today will become stepping stones to our greatest accomplishments tomorrow. Of course we can never see this at the time of suffering just like when we walk down a city block we don't know what is around the corner...until we turn the corner. I wish you the strength and emotional support you need to help you turn the corner. Agony goes away when you work through it...keep doing the work and consider the support of a trusted counselor. I know you can kick agony's butt!
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Michele  Maria DeSimone • a few seconds ago
Sigh. I have discovered that it is impossible to express what is happening in a way that anyone can actually relate to, and since the shit keeps rolling in, I have given up trying. Some things just can't be explained. Some experiences can never be expressed in a way that will give them the intensity that they deserve, This is what makes the difference between a good writer and a great writer. The great writer can find just the right flow and words to take the reader directly to THAT place, I am not a writer, yet. When I can express this reality fully I will know that I am on my way though.
As for counseling. I always find the assumption that all people have access to these things funny. I mean it isn't rocket science that today in this country most adults either don't have any health insurance or if they do they can not afford to use it. It is also common knowledge that this amazing country has chosen to cut all social service benefits to the bone. So again, whenever I see this 'suggestion' next to some poor suffering schmuck like my own cries for help, all I can do is either fume at the complete lack of reality or laugh... at the complete lack of reality.
Now. I know that your reply is with the best of intentions. I mean, isn't everyone's? But I have a very important piece of advice. Something everyone must learn NOW about dealing with those that are on the edge... when you downplay our pain you are intensifying our 'not worthiness'. If I was 18 years old then what you have written to me might make sense and it might even help me BUT I am 46 years old and I was born into a world of chaos. To tell me that 'life works in cycles' and that 'life can change on a dime'.... NO SHIT. It is condescending to a person like myself to have generic crap said to me over and over and over and it is one of the many reasons that staying in this life seems like the worst possible answer. There is no hope for this world if everything has gone the fast food route... and everything has. Generic love, generic image, generic answers, generic care... if it takes any real emotion, energy, or brain power, most people can't be bothered. Just smile more/look at the bright side/find the light/focus on the good ... WHERE? Lead me to it. Lead me to that light. Take me to that bright side. Seriously.YOU MUST TREAD VERY CAREFULLY WITH PEOPLE LIKE ME. If all you have is generic then you would be better to say nothing. That hurts as well but at least you can justify silence as possibly something that is not personal. A reply that is more of the same crap just solidifies the suicidal person's idea that THIS IS ALL THERE IS. This is what you have to grasp onto. Which is pathetic and comical all at once. Also, probably not a good idea to tell us that we can get through it either. This is another condescending statement which tells us that we are weak. To feel THIS pained and to not be capable of this weight any longer, a weight that continues to get heavier and heavier with each passing day and to not even feel the love we have for our children or families at the worst of these moments and then to be told the generic crap and or 'you can get through it.' Do you look at someone being raped and say 'you can get through it' ? Or do you beat the shit out of the rapist and get the victim to care? Sigh. It's been a long two months (when I guess I originally posted) and I can tell you that it has been a lesson in IT CAN GET WORSE and THERE IS NO BOTTOM. You can't start climbing your way up if there is no bottom.
Now as for Kathryn... How old are you? Seriously Girl. IfYouTellYouDie??? WTF. I haven't gone there. I won't be going there. A name such as that brings two things to mind... Bad and Worse. I do not want to have to type, in an address bar, the very words spoken by rapists, child molesters, criminals and manipulative assholes. Just reading it brings back shit I don't need to think about. I have my hands full now with my adult life issues. I would hope maybe you would reconsider the web address at some point. For all that is good and decent... please.
Anyway. THIS. What I have just done. Writing. THIS has been what has kept me alive to this point. Although it may sound harsh and like I am attacking, I am not. I am teaching. I am trying very very very hard to teach how NOT to speak to us. How NOT to contribute to the despair. How good intentions mean shit to the person suffering. We hear the bare bones of what is being said. We don't see the frilly stuff or the candy coating anymore. We see right down to the core. The piles of generic contribute to the weight and the weight is what we are ready to relieve ourselves of because the crushing is suffocating us, even if everyone else isn't noticing that we are turning blue...
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Kathryn  Maria DeSimone • 2 months ago
Maria,
Thank you for your encouraging words.
Kathryn
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Kathryn  Michele • 2 months ago −
Hi Michele,
I also understand the agony and the "giving up" you are experiencing. I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder and have often (more than I'd like to think) and wanted to check out. I'm in therapy and have found a mission to help me with the intense loneliness and isolation. However, I could not and can not go this road without treatment. I work hard in therapy and it is painful and exhausting...I'm hanging on to the chance at recovery and my mission. It would be wonderful if you had someone you could share with, a counselor is an excellent idea and will help you to not feel so alone. Please visit my web site and if you would like to share on the sharing page. It is a new web site and Would like to create a community of those who are struggling with trauma. Please know you are not alone. I wish you courage and strength.

My web site is in my pen name. You will need to type the web address in, on the address bar as it is not in all the search engines yet.
www.ifyoutellyoudie.com It is dark and can be very depressing but there is also hope!!!!!!!

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Suicides Are Fast and Furiously on the Rise

Suicides Are Fast and Furiously on the Rise

WHY DO I POST ALL THIS? THE ANSWER.

I POST ALL THIS UGLY SHIT BECAUSE I DON'T PLAN ON BEING HERE TO ACCEPT THIS SHIT MUCH LONGER. I POST BECAUSE EVERY DAMN DAY SOMEONE ENDS THE SHIT THEY ARE TOO TIRED TO CARRY ALONE ANYMORE, AND THE SAME BULLSHIT REACTION TAKES OVER. SUDDENLY, EVERY GOD DAMN PERSON THE DEAD PERSON KNEW CLAIMS HOW MUCH THEY LOVED AND CARED FOR THE DECEASED. THEY CLAIM HOW SHOCKED THEY ARE. HOW THEY HAD NO IDEA. HOW IF ONLY THEY KNEW. IF THEY KNEW THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE... AND THEY BLAME THE DEAD PERSON FOR BEING TOO WEAK OR SICK TO SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE CARED AND WERE THERE FOR THEM. WELL YA'ALL, I'M CALLING BULLSHIT. BULL SHIT. I LET MY EGO AND MY RESPECT FOR MYSELF GO AGES AND AGES AGO. I HAVE BEEN ASKING, BEGGING, SCREAMING, CRYING. POSTING, PLEADING AND EVERY OTHER FUCKING UNIMAGINABLE THING TO GET ANYONE TO NOTICE ME, HEAR ME, HELP ME... AND EXCEPT FOR MY EX-BOYFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL AND ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS FRIENDS FROM WHEN SHE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, NO ONE HAS GIVEN A RATS ASS. A FEW HAVE VOICED WANTING TO HELP (WORDS WORDS WORDS), OR OFFERED TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE OPTIONS, WHICH THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WERE IMPOSSIBLE BEFORE PRESENTING THEM TO ME. I MEAN HOW FUCKING CLEAR DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE THAT THEY HAVE NO MONEY, NO JOB AND BAD HEALTH? IS IT REALLY NORMAL FOR PEOPLE TO ASSUME THAT WHEN A PERSON IS AT LIVING IN A CAR POINT IN THEIR LIFE THAT THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE A FEW THOUSAND BUCKS JUST LAYING AROUND? REALLY? IS THIS WHAT SOCIETY BELIEVES TRULY BEING DOWN AND OUT EQUATES TO? STILL HAVING THOUSANDS LAYING AROUND? HUH? WTF? WAKE UP PEOPLE. DOWN AND OUT TODAY IS FUCKING MISERABLE AND IT MEANS NO MONEY FOR ANYTHING. IT MEANS TAKING ABUSE TO KEEP A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD. IT MEANS LETTING UGLY FUCKING SICK IN THE HEAD PEOPLE CONTROL YOUR LIFE TO HAVE THAT ROOF AS WELL. I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR JUST UNDER TWO YEARS NOW AND JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN'T BE WORSE... IT IS. WORSE YET IS WHEN THAT WORSE IS COMING FROM THE ONE PERSON IN LIFE WE ALL SHOULD FEEL LOVED BY... YOUR MOTHER. BUT WORSE YET IS REALIZING THAT EVEN YOUR OWN CHILD HAS LEARNED TO PUSH YOU TO THE BACK OF THEIR CONSCIENCE. TO HAVE THAT CHILD, ON THE RARE OCCASION THAT THEY NOTICE OR INTERACT WITH YOU, ACTUALLY SPEW THE GENERIC RAINBOWS AND HAPPY THOUGHTS SHIT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN SWALLOWING FOR AGES NOW... THAT'S THE MOMENT YOU REALIZE THERE IS NO POINT ANYMORE. NO ONE IS COMING. NO ONE IS EVEN NOTICING ANYMORE. YOU HAVE BECOME AN ANNOYING GNAT THAT EVERYONE WISHES WOULD JUST SHUT UP AND GO THE FUCK AWAY... SO THIS IS THE PLAN, BUT I'LL BE GOD DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO DO IT AND NOT CALL OUT ALL THE PEOPLE BEFORE THEY START THEIR POOR, SAD, 'OMG! WHY?' BULLSHIT. EVERY FUCKING PERSON KNOWS WHY AND EVERY ONE OF THEM HAD A CHANCE. SO IF ANYONE SAYS OTHERWISE THEY ARE FUCKING LYING THROUGH THEIR TEETH BECAUSE IF THEY COULDN'T SPARE $5 EACH EVEN, OR LEND A HAND IN SOME WAY TO A PERSON BEGGING BUT THEY COULD BUY ANOTHER FUCKING MOCHA LATTE' THEN THEY HAVE NO GRIP ON HUMANITY OR COMMON SENSE OR COMMON DECENCY OR LOVE... SO THANK YOU FOR NOT SEEING ME. THANK YOU FOR THE ADDED WEIGHT OF THAT ON TOP OF THE SHIT I WAS ALREADY DRAGGING AROUND TRYING TO LET GO OF. AND THE CONDESCENDING WORDS AS WELL. MY GOD, ARE YOU GUYS ON DRUGS? DO YO REALLY BELIEVE YOUR SHIT? DO YOU REALLY READ THE LAST TWO YEARS OF POSTS AND THINK, 'IF SHE JUST SMILED AND LOOKED AT THE BRIGHT SIDE!' WHAT BRIGHT SIDE?? WHERE? HERE IS MY HAND... LEAD THE FUCKING WAY. SUCH WEAK BULLSHIT. ITS AN EASY OUT WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED BY ANOTHER PERSONS NEED. JUST FACE IT. YOU'RE ALL TOO IMPORTANT IN YOUR OWN MIND TO ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE ELSE IF IT MEANS ANY KIND OF SACRIFICE. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE CORROSIONS OF HUMANITY TODAY. NO ONE IS LEARNING THE VALUE OF SACRIFICE. NO ONE IS LEARNING ANYTHING OF VALUE TO THE SOUL. MAKES ME SICK.

ALL I WANTED WAS TO SMILE, CARE FOR OTHERS AND HAVE A HOME. TO NOT FEEL LIKE A FUCKING HINDRANCE OR WASTE OF FLESH AND TO NOT BE USED AND THROWN AWAY YET AGAIN. WHAT I GOT WAS THE SHOCKING REALITY OF THE WORLD TODAY. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO GET MY SON OUT OF THIS FUCKING HELL HOLE BEFORE I GO. AND THAT MY 'FRIENDS' IS WHY I AM STILL HERE. IT IS NOT BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN CRYING WOLF OR TRYING TO GET ANY KIND OF ATTENTION. I AM HERE FOR HIM. I AM HERE UNTIL I EITHER CAN'T FIGHT IT ANYMORE IN ANY WAY OR HE IS SOMEWHERE WITH PEOPLE WHO GIVE A FUCK. SADLY, HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYONE WHO CARES BUT ME IT SEEMS, BUT I WILL KEEP TRYING TO GET BY UNTIL I CAN GET HIM GOOD. HE HAS BEEN THE ONLY PERSON TAKING CARE OF ME AT ALL. HE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS STOOD UP FOR ME. THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS VOICED CONCERN FOR LEAVING ME, KNOWING THAT THE OUTCOME WILL NOT BE PRETTY. HE ALSO KNOWS I AM TRYING VERY HARD TO GET THROUGH EACH MINUTE. SO... I'M HERE FOR HIM AND I AM GONE FIRST CHANCE I GET ONCE HE IS SAFE. HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND NEW YEAR FUCKERS. I LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU SUCK. 

TO MOMMY AND MY LAST FEW EX'S. THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES.

You Have To Die... Oh Bukowski... How I Love Thee....

Saturday, December 21, 2013

Kelly Clarkson - Because Of You

THANKS MOM... AND DAD.....

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

The Marmalade - Reflections Of My Life



The changing of sunlight to moonlight
Reflections of my life
Oh how they fill my eyes

The greetings of people in trouble
Reflections of my life
Oh how they fill my eyes


Oh my sorrows
Sad tomorrows
Take me back to my own home


Oh my crying (Oh my crying)
Feel I'm dying, dying
Take me back
To my own home


I'm changing, arranging,
I'm changing,
I'm changing everything
Everything around me


The world is
A bad place
A bad place
A terrible place to live
Oh but I don't wanna die ...

Looking glass - Brandi you're a fine girl

Manfred Mann - Blinded by the Light

Thursday, December 19, 2013

YES, I HAVE HIT THE NEWEST LOW OF BEGGING FOR DONATIONS TO SURVIVE. AWESOME.

I can not believe how poor I am at the moment! I have used Ebay to keep me going in the past but with this move I have been unable to do my normal posting and such and it ended up costing us a small fortune to get up here as well. I have roughly $12 for the next 6 weeks! WTF??? I can't remember the last time I was THIS poor with absolutely no other options. In fact, I am pretty sure I have never been this bad off. Back in the day if things got really brutal I could go to my grandfather, but he passed away 18 years ago! This is bad. It takes $25 in gas just to go to the grocery store in the nearest town as well.
It is moments like this that I can truly tap into my disgust at my ex and at myself. I hope I am never, ever the loyal fool that I was in the past. I hope I never place another person, beyond my children, before myself. If I can't learn at least this much from all this then I am truly a lost cause. IT DOES NOT PAY, IN ANY FORM, TO BE THE ROCK OR CHEERLEADER TO ANOTHER'S LACK OF SELF-WORTH, DRIVE TO LEARN, CHANGE OR MOVE FORWARD. You just find yourself empty. Depleted of anything at all the resembles the strength and energy to fix your own life now that you have ignored it right into the black hole of hell. These people NEVER EVER appreciate or recognize anything at all that you have done for them. They will look you in the eye and flat out deny every single thing you have ever bled to give them. They are truly blind and ignorant. They believe themselves. It is the strangest phenomenon to watch somebody look hard evidence in the eye and still hear them deny it and fight to the death to try to make you believe their illusion as well.
One of my friends suggested I start a funding page. It's a great idea in theory, but in reality, unless I am dying from some horrible rare disease, there is little to no chance of having contributors. I am sure my sob story, however tragic and never-ending it may be, will not warm the cockles of anyone with some cash to spare inspiring them to contribute. I figure if my friends and family could turn their backs on me KNOWING the reality of my plight, then strangers will have no problem doing the same with far less proof of my claims.
I can't even pimp myself out. I guess I should be glad for that, but there are those moments...

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

What A Week.

Well rural life is kicking my ass. It isn't so much where I am but the circumstances around me. In 1 week I have:
Been blamed for my mothers lost dentures. They have not been found.
Been blamed for $100 increase in the electricity bill, although we had only been here 48 hours and didn't even have a tv set up yet.
My car died the day we got here and it is looking like the starter may be the issue, but I have about $30 to my name for the next 4-6 weeks.
I dropped a lamp on the night of the second day here and blew out the fuse for my room and the bathroom, so I have no electricity in my room and am using an extension cord for my laptop which brings me to...
I have been 'set straight' that my laptop is an energy hog (LOL) even though I can prove it is just pennies a day to have plugged in.
I am basically wrong about anything and everything you can imagine and if I do exactly as I am told I am still wrong or at fault.
I was super lucky in that yesterday I was given the task to take my moms cat to the vet to be put down. This is the animal loved way above me, which is fine as I have dealt with that many years ago, but now it is non-stop crying every time I get cornered in this house and I just want to shoot myself to make it stop. The cat had been suffering for almost a year and it was so cruel to let her suffer for so long in the first place... I get it but morn like a normal person. Go to bed for a few days and cry and eat and watch bad television or something. My gawd it was difficult enough before this. My son goes out and sits in my broken down car to escape since we are stuck here all day every day now. It sucks.
I can't make any money since I can't use my printer and I need it to sell stuff on Ebay to survive...
What a great end to a absofuckinglutely suck ass year. Wait, May was good. I had one good month.

I'm freezing. My sinuses are in hell. My skin is dry and I have aged 10 years in a month. I  look HORRIBLE. I feel like shit and I don't have a fucking clue how to begin to remedy anything. There is just too much shit and I am lonely as well. You would think the universe would give me something good in all this shit. My son is something good but on the same token he is suffering as well which makes me feel like a horrible mom. I can't find the good in all this. Seriously. If another person tells me to be positive or to look for the good I might just gutta bitch. Sometimes, and I know this is tough for those that like to live in fantasy-land, but sometimes, shit is shit. Period. No matter how much you stir the shit it isn't going to start to smell like roses.

As for our 3rd non existent Christmas in a row... I don't even know how to feel about it anymore. 

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Eight things cultured people do differently.

Eight things cultured people do differently.   <<< full post found here! Subscribe! Amazing site!


How interesting it is to read this article. My ex P was obsessed with Russian Lit and it is one of the things that led him to fully except his other personality and let the prick run free. The thing is... with all P's preaching about Chekhov and such, I wonder what the fuck it was he was reading, because I don't see where any of this work states that fucking anything that walks as long as you alter your vocabulary and writing style to mimic obnoxious academia wannabe's and to make lying an art and constant and to lack empathy for anyone or anything that isn't serving your purpose and to not value integrity and such. Seriously. What the fuck was he digging out of the trenches of literature to find work that would feed his purpose to be a fucking asshole and destroy other peoples lives with nary a thought or consideration??? Show it to me. So I can burn it.... 


Voilá the eight things cultured people do differently, according to Monsieur Chekhov.
MOSCOW, 1886.

You have often complained to me that people “don’t understand you”! Goethe and Newton did not complain of that…Only Christ complained of it, but He was speaking of His doctrine and not of Himself…People understand you perfectly well. And if you do not understand yourself, it is not their fault.

I assure you as a brother and as a friend, I understand you and feel for you with all my heart. I know your good qualities as I know my five fingers; I value and deeply respect them. If you like, to prove that I understand you, I can enumerate those qualities. I think you are kind to the point of softness, magnanimous, unselfish, ready to share your last farthing; you have no envy nor hatred; you are simple-hearted, you pity men and beasts; you are trustful, without spite or guile, and do not remember evil…

You have a gift from above such as other people have not: you have talent. This talent places you above millions of men, for on earth only one out of two millions is an artist. Your talent sets you apart: if you were a toad or a tarantula, even then, people would respect you, for to talent all things are forgiven.

You have only one failing, and the falseness of your position, and your unhappiness and your catarrh of the bowels are all due to it. That is, your utter lack of culture.

Forgive me, please, but veritas magis amicitiae… You see, life has its conditions. In order to feel comfortable among educated people, to be at home and happy with them, one must be cultured to a certain extent. Talent has brought you into such a circle, you belong to it, but… you are drawn away from it, and you vacillate between cultured people and the lodgersvis-a-vis.

Cultured people must, in my opinion, satisfy the following conditions:

1. They respect human personality, and therefore they are always kind, gentle, polite, and ready to give in to others. They do not make a row because of a hammer or a lost piece of india-rubber; if they live with anyone they do not regard it as a favour and, going away, they do not say “nobody can live with you.” They forgive noise and cold and dried-up meat and witticisms and the presence of strangers in their homes.  (P got this one down...  "ready to give in to others")

2. They have sympathy not for beggars and cats alone. Their heart aches for what the eye does not see… They sit up at night in order to help P…, to pay for brothers at the University, and to buy clothes for their mother.  

3. They respect the property of others, and therefor pay their debts.

4. They are sincere, and dread lying like fire. They don’t lie even in small things. A lie is insulting to the listener and puts him in a lower position in the eyes of the speaker. They do not pose, they behave in the street as they do at home, they do not show off before their humbler comrades. They are not given to babbling and forcing their uninvited confidences on others. Out of respect for other people’s ears they more often keep silent than talk.

5. They do not disparage themselves to rouse compassion. They do not play on the strings of other people’s hearts so that they may sigh and make much of them. They do not say “I am misunderstood,” or “I have become second-rate,” because all this is striving after cheap effect, is vulgar, stale, false…

6. They have no shallow vanity. They do not care for such false diamonds as knowing celebrities… listening to the raptures of a stray spectator in a picture show, being renowned in the taverns… If they do a pennyworth they do not strut about as though they had done a hundred roubles’ worth, and do not brag of having the entry where others are not admitted… The truly talented always keep in obscurity among the crowd, as far as possible from advertisement… Even Krylov has said that an empty barrel echoes more loudly than a full one.

7. If they have a talent they respect it. They sacrifice to it rest, women, wine, vanity… They are proud of their talent… Besides, they are fastidious.

8. They develop the aesthetic feeling in themselves. They cannot go to sleep in their clothes, see cracks full of bugs on the walls, breathe bad air, walk on a floor that has been spat upon, cook their meals over an oil stove. They seek as far as possible to restrain and ennoble the sexual instinct… What they want in a woman is not a bed-fellow… They do not ask for the cleverness which shows itself in continual lying. They want especially, if they are artists, freshness, elegance, humanity, the capacity for motherhood… They do not swill vodka at all hours of the day and night, do not sniff at cupboards, for they are not pigs and know they are not. They drink only when they are free, on occasion… For they want mens sana in corpore sano [a healthy mind in a healthy body].

And so on. This is what cultured people are like. In order to be cultured and not to stand below the level of your surroundings it is not enough to have read “The Pickwick Papers” and learnt a monologue from “Faust.” {…}

What is needed is constant work, day and night, constant reading, study, will… Every hour is precious for it… Come to us, smash the vodka bottle, lie down and read… Turgenev, if you like, whom you have not read.

You must drop your vanity, you are not a child… you will soon be thirty. It is time! I expect you… We all expect you.


*Treasure discovered via BrainPickings.com.

Friday, December 13, 2013

My Personality Type: The Harmony-seeking Idealist

My Personality Type: The Harmony-seeking Idealist

YEP.

bitches gotta eat: christmas is bullshit.

6." take a facebook break. i'm telling you, that one bitch you hate is totally about to pretend all over your newsfeed that she has the perfect little family and that those hallmark-quality photographs are totally not staged. if everyone posted pictures of their kids vomiting on santa and their maxed-out credit card bills stuffed to overflow with their overcompensation, i would be like, "to the internet, friends! let's go feel haughty and superior!" BUT THEY DON'T. nope, these assholes want you to believe that that brand new xbox isn't going to get them fucking evicted, and f them forever. i can't be paying for the thai food i had to walk through a blizzard to get with laundry quarters and also looking at your land rover with the christmas bow on top. i will die for real. "


bitches gotta eat: christmas is bullshit.: WAIT DON'T KILL YOURSELF YET. save that economy-sized bottle of extra strength advil for until after you've scrolled through all o...

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Loneliness Sucks.

Seriously. Loneliness is painful after a while. When you hit the point where you miss touch, any kind of touch, you know you are lonely. It's been a year since I've had a peck on the lips. Over a year and half for sex, the same for real kisses. I actually miss the asshole from that time based purely on the yearning to be touched and have someone, anyone to see, hear, feel and take care of as well. THAT IS SERIOUSLY SAD SHIT. Even knowing now it was all a game I find myself missing it. Shit gets real when you dig that low for your last 'affectionate' encounters. I've had a few hugs. A couple from Mel, a longtime friend who I adore but not in 'that' way as he is rockstar guy, which isn't something I am big on, plus he likes them younger, more flighty and chaotic in a way I just don't do. And D. hugged me maybe twice. Meh. He never really cared much either. I know I have been an anchor for him and nothing more. Thankfully, I never saw F in person. At least not in the last 3 decades. So yeah, that leaves J as my last 'romantic' (faked though it was on his part) interaction. And the 13 plus years before that were mostly forced, spaced far and few between and just awkward in a way that no other relationship I have ever been in was... so... now what?

I'll be in bumbfuck egypt in 24 hours. I'll have my pick of a population of 3000 old people, drug dealers and gawd knows whom and what else. Sounds plentiful. Yeah, more like time to buy myself a pregnant cat and start my lonely cat lady existence. Maybe this is why it is hitting me so hard tonight? I know what the next day could mean and it doesn't look good where companionship is concerned.

I have only wanted a few things my entire life.
1. A family. A real family that may fight but ALWAYS has one anothers back and spends important events together.  Nope. Fail.
2. A safe secure home that FEELS like home. Nope. Only once for about a year in the 46 plus I have lived. It is almost cruel that I had that year because I know what I am missing, so I long for it even more.
3. People to care for that care for me back daily. Beyond my kids there has been very limited experience with this as well. Enough to know what I am missing and enough for it to hurt.
4. To be loved by a person as I love them. Nothing more or less, just get and give. So very much not looking like this will ever happen either. Maybe I can get a dog one day.They are loyal and loving. That is something, but still not enough to feel whole and vital and really here.

So, goin' off the grid to some degree tomorrow. Until I know just how much internet access I have I can't say how or if I will be posting much. I am praying for at least the ability to post here. It's all I have, and I need it.

And thanks to exactly ZERO people for helping us with this move and you know, checking up on us and how we are doing in general and all. Fuck you too. Family... friends... where? I don't see anyone or anything. It's just me, my son and my fucked up Mom. At least she showed up in some way. If no one else I know could manage to up THAT then you know you suck ass as friends. And the award goes to... ALL OF YOU! Thanks ya all. Now piss the fuck off. I have rural life to conquer, or some shit like that. 

DUH. I Know Why I Am Here. I'm Not Sure How Long I Can Stand To Stay Though!


The What are you doing here? Test ...

Bodhisattva

You are here to: 27 % observe, 0 % party!, 55 % evolve, 27 % transcend
You are here to learn, evolve, better yourself and others, and not waste too much time getting caught up in materialism and entertainment. Chances are your soul will not rest until the world has become a far better place.

Your Analysis (Vertical line = Average)

  • observe Distribution
    You scored 27% on observe, higher than 54% of your peers.
  • party! Distribution
    You scored 0% on party!, higher than 16% of your peers.
  • evolve Distribution
    You scored 55% on evolve, higher than 56% of your peers.
  • transcend Distribution
    You scored 27% on transcend, higher than 52% of your peers.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Johnny Cash - 'Hurt"



"Hurt"
(originally by Nine Inch Nails)

I hurt myself today 
To see if I still feel 
I focus on the pain 
The only thing that's real 
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all 
My empire of dirt 
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts 
I cannot repair 
Beneath the stains of time 
The feelings disappear 
You are someone else
I am still right here 

What have I become 
My sweetest friend 
Everyone I know goes away 
In the end 
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again 
A million miles away 
I would keep myself 
I would find a way

HAIM - Falling (Official Audio)

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

I'd Like to Think...



Aries Daily horoscope for December 3, 2013

Aries Daily horoscope for December 3, 2013

The seas are calm today, you have a gentle wind in your sails and the world is your oyster. Even if you require assistance, others will come to your rescue with exactly the skills and resources you need. If someone offers help, don't exhibit false pride; acknowledge your predicament and say yes. Ultimately, being thankful for whatever generosity you receive now allows everyone to feel good about participating in your success.

AH... BUT WILL ANY OF THEM FOLLOW THROUGH? THAT IS THE TRUE QUESTION. SO FAR IT HAS BEEN A SINGLE-HANDED JOURNEY WITHOUT ANY 'ASSISTANCE' FROM ANY ONE OF THE MANY WHO OFFERED IT, OR THE ONES WHOM I HAVE BEEN THERE TO HELP AS WELL...(D...) IT SEEMS THAT I AM AT EVERYONE ELSES BECK AND CALL. IF THEY NEED HELP IT IS ALWAYS UNDER THEIR TERMS. IF I NEED HELP, IT IS UNDER THEIR TERMS. IF THEY NEED HELP AND I AM UNABLE TO GIVE AS MUCH AS THEY EXPECT, THEN I HAVE FAILED THEM SOMEHOW. IF I NEED HELP AND THEY MAKE PLANS TO HELP BUT THEN DROP OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH, IT IS EXPECTED THAT THEY NOT ONLY BE FORGIVEN, BUT THAT I SHOULD APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE GRACING ME WITH THEIR PRESENCE. BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, I SHOULD FEEL PRIVILEGED TO BE THEIR MULE OR SAVIOUR IN THEIR TIMES OF NEED. I LOVE HELPING OTHERS. IT FEEDS ME WHEN THERE IS APPRECIATION WITHOUT DEMANDS, BUT IT IS SOUL SUCKING WHEN TAKEN BY THOSE THAT CARE NOT BEYOND THEMSELVES. I AM DRAINED AND YET I CONTINUE TO WANT TO BE THERE FOR OTHERS. SILLY ME. I JUST LOVE YOU AND WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT, SO I TRY TO SHOW IT AND LEAD BY EXAMPLE. I DON'T THINK ANYONE CARES THESE DAYS ABOUT EXPANDING THEIR LOVE AND AWARENESS FOR OTHERS THOUGH.

I SHOULD ADD THAT THERE HAVE BEEN OFFERS OF HELP BY PEOPLE THAT WOULD HAVE PROBABLY KEPT THEIR WORD, BUT THESE WERE OFFERS FROM MEN THAT SHOWED INTEREST IN ME THAT WAS NOT RECIPROCATED IN THE ROMANTIC FASHION. I STRUGGLE BETWEEN WHAT I NEED AND INTEGRITY. I DON'T ASK THESE PEOPLE FOR THE HELP I NEED BECAUSE I CAN'T FACE FEELING LIKE AN ASSHOLE. I DON'T WANT TO USE ANYONE THE WAY I HAVE BEEN USED AND I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYONE THE WAY I HAVE BEEN HURT. AND THE WORLD OF ROMANCE TODAY IS UGLY ENOUGH. I DON'T WANT TO CONTRIBUTE TO THE EXPERIENCES OF GOOD MEN BY CREATING A NEGATIVE CONNECTION. JUST BECAUSE I AM A LOST CAUSE IN LOVE DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT FOR EVERYONE ELSE, AND BECOME A CUNT MYSELF. HARSH WORD, I KNOW BUT REALLY HAVEN'T MOST MEN AND WOMEN BECOME PRICKS AND CUNTS? PEOPLE ACTIVELY GOING OUT INTO THE WORLD AND MAKING INNOCENT PEOPLE PAY FOR THE ENTITLEMENT ISSUES AND PAINS CAUSED BY OTHERS? PEOPLE SO FILLED WITH ANIMOSITY AND RAGE THAT THE TARGET IS OF NO IMPORTANCE. THE ONLY MATTER THAT COUNTS IS RANGE OF BLOODSHED AND NUMBER OF SHOTS FIRED.
I GUESS MY ENTIRE POINT HERE HAS BEEN TO SAY THAT I'VE SHOWN UP FOR A FUCKING LOT OF PEOPLE OVER MY LIFETIME... I AM STILL WAITING FOR ONE OF THEM TO SHOW UP FOR ME AS WELL...

Monday, December 2, 2013

I MISS LOVE. GOOD, HEALTHY, CRAZY LOVE...

"Life, art and emotion are inherently messy. This acceptance of messiness has been my turning point. I now embrace that I have a messy soul, mind and heart. They are filled with joy, and filled with defeat. They bounce between success and failure, tears of happiness and tears of sadness, earth-shaking love and underworld-shivering loneliness. Containing multitudes means not just embracing different facets of the good; it also means accepting the faults and failures. The reason I could not do this before? I could not sit calmly in the mess. I never understood that beauty develops precisely because of, not despite, the fractures we experience...

Among other changes, I want to (re)discover a feeling of fearless love, toward life and toward myself and toward the passion and willingness to be vulnerable and caring that have led to the best things in my life. Somewhere along the line, fear sneaked in, snatched that away, and sabotaged the good. I want it back."

~ Patrick Linder

Pablo Neruda

“I love you without knowing how or when or from where. 
I love you straightfowardly, without complexities or pride: 
So I love you because I know no other way than this: 
Where I do not exist nor you, 
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.”

Pablo Neruda

They All Do.





BECAUSE I GIVE MY ALL, I DESERVE THE SAME BACK. AT LEAST ONCE. ONCE WOULD BE NICE! BEFORE I DIE? PLEASE. 

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Saturday, November 30, 2013

Find It.



ALWAYS!!!

INTEGRITY

Dreams. Sometimes They Are Glaringly Obvious.


I had this dream that I walked into an apartment/house, walked down the hall towards a door but when I got to the door it was a wall. When I turned to go back... another wall. Basically, I was now in a standing coffin. One second of panic, then I punch the wall. Punch it again, and I am back in the hall. Turn to another door and nope. Wall, again. Coffin, again. Punch again, then off we go. This goes on... Now as dreams go this is about as clear as they get since it is a perfect description of my life, but Man, I REALLY would like a SOLUTION. LOL!   

A person can only punch down so many coffin walls in a row.


Image thanks to: http://s3.amazonaws.com/rapgenius/PG61Ilb8QbuQlKuB1PQZ_Buried1.JPG

Fight or Give Up and Die









Friday, November 29, 2013

And I Am Now Parentless- Figuratively

Well the move is off. I am now preparing for vehicle living. If I can stay where I am long enough to get my tax refund then I guess it'll be the vagabond life.

My generations parents are some of the worst examples of common decency, responsibility and selflessness on record. I am 0-0 with neither 'parent' having a selfless bone in their bodies. Even when one of them did do something that seems caring, there WERE ALWAYS strings attached and a lifetime of being jabbed about it basically voiding any form of care involved. If 4 of us could live in 945 sqr ft house and we still took my mom in for two years, I am pretty sure sharing a 3 bedroom home with a kitchen and livingroom the size of our entire old house wouldn't be difficult to share with your child and grandchild for a few months. Particularly if is the difference between being homeless or not. I believe that if you had in fact abandoned your own child not once, not twice, but several times during their youth to be with some piece of shit abusive prick, that you might want make amends with that and finally lend a helping hand. But no. No. This is too much to ask a person you have been there for your entire life EVEN THOUGH THEY FUCKED YOU OVER AND OVER AND OVER throughout your own. I'm 46 years old. I am done forgiving and ignoring all the cruelty of my parents selfishness. I think it is time for them of both to just get the fuck out of my life for good this time... Oh, and happy fucking holidays. It was a fucking fantastic Thanksgiving. Thanks 'Mom'.

I did get to see D though, which was great since he looked really good, even considering the shitty life circumstances. And my son got to meet one of his cousins, finally. That was great. They reminded me of one another more than once, so seeing them side by side was a treat. We did however, make a motley crew of the down and out as a group. Oh, and I got to drive from Fullerton to almost San Diego County in rain WITH NO WINDSHIELD WIPERS at 4am. THAT was FUN.


Oh yes, and let me not forget to thank F for thinking he could text me on Thanksgiving and I might actually reply. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Feel free to join my parents Asshole. You all should start a commune for people who fucking suck it. Had I know you had a 'history' of 'bad shit' with women I never would have spoken to you in the first place. Way to be a man. \

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Food Is Love; And Feeding People Makes Me HAPPY!!


Gloomy sunday - Billie Holiday (subtítulos en español)

Not Much Posting This Week

The moving has begun, so I am not posting much this week. I am embarking on finals as well, so it will be a stressful, yet exciting week of attempting to wrap my mind around school work and then packing and hauling and back to school work again, and so on.

We are moving to a VERY rural area with limited internet, so I am concerned about that but it is so beautiful and quiet there that I can't help but be excited by the prospect. The sky is A MA ZING at night. The silence is awe inspiring as well. I am so sick of the noise of this city. The screaming kids, the sirens 24/7, the cars with their bass at all hours of the day and night, and the sounds of this house. I am most happy to be leaving them. It will feel good to finally disconnect from the disfunction here, even if it ends up disfunction up there, it will be NEW and I am ready for new. I want to use the downtime from the internet to reconnect with my creative side, and meet the people of the community. I have always wanted to live in a small community where people know one another and help one another. So, we will see how I adjust. And, Palm Springs is just a lovely down hill drive away with one of the most amazing sight-seeing pull off's off the highway at night I have ever seen. Palm Springs at night is a gorgeous gold with a black backdrop and if the moon is full it is breathtaking.

So I am hoping for less emotional spewage of a negative variety since I will not have any men interfering on my life anymore and I won't have all this pent up anger at the ex and his gf either. Glory be! I will never have to hear them fuck again! Ain't life grand?!

As scared as I am I am also as excited for the opportunity for new. New anything and new everything. I am also brushing up my camping skills for the days without electricity, hot water, heat, internet and battery recharging. Gotta be prepared to survive! As long as we don't burn in one of the many fires this area is known for I think I will manage!

I have high hope but realistic expectations. Here is to a new year and a new life. New focus and new aspirations. Maybe a good man will actually fall in love with me as well? One who won't pretend but actually feel it. We will see. If not, I will manage. I just kind of miss touch and someone to share things with...


Choices Have Consequences

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Why No One Will Ever Come Before My Kids.

Miracles happen between midnight and 6am when you're in college. You got this momma. Just remember how you've made presidents honor roll despite all your struggles and I'm over here like not getting honor roll ever. Love you to the moon and back again x1000.





Saturday, November 23, 2013

WOW. What a Week of TOTAL CRAP.

Another male shows his true colors, which wouldn't have been too shocking had it not been someone I have known for over 30 years. My ex-sister-in-law does the exact same thing most of my friends and family have done, which is to let me down by their 'good intentions' that end up merely words for their own comfort. Of course, in this case we are talking about the difference between homeless and having a roof over not only my own head but my sons as well, so it's a pretty big fucking deal to us. And let us not forget my mother's sudden email tonight telling me how she is 'unsure' about us moving up to her house. We have exactly 7 days to get out of here, and my finals are starting up as well plus my normal school work load AND I have been suffering from this shit my ex infected me with. Oh, and my car now leaks a full bottle of steering fluid every 48 hours to go with the expired tags of 2 years, cracked axle, bad tires, NO BRAKES, and oil leaking issue as well.
I mean can the universes really think that I deserve this? This is only 1 single week of shit. How much is a person suppose to take, alone, broke, without friends or family to turn to and health issues up the ass as well?? Fuck, I am scared to breath anymore. And if one more guy trys to fuck me over I may go Lorena Bobbitt on his ass. I can't possibly be more honest with people yet they just ignore everything and fuck me over again and again. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE SLEEP AT NIGHT???? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LOOK YOURSELVES IN THE MIRROR? HOW?????????? This is quite possibly the most disheartening fact for me to deal with. The world is full of people like this and they keep finding me, and THAT is what makes the suicide seem so completely logical. No one in their right mind would want this shit day in and day out and if this shit is all there is for me then why the fuck would I subject myself to another 30 or 40 years of it? I can't find just one single true person to have in my life. Not one. Not even the ones who should be there, like family, are. Since my grandfather passed away my life has gone into a spiral of shit and more shit. He was the only person I knew loved me for most of my life. He was the only person I could ever trust or rely on and he ALWAYS had my kids best interest at heart as well. It's been almost 18 years since he passed and still no one has even touched caring for me one ounce as much as he did. I miss him. He was harsh at times, and due to the generational gap, difficult to communicate with as well, BUT I always knew that what he did was from his heart and not to be unkind. Even when I didn't agree, I knew this. He taught me so much and I will forever be thankful for him.
Now, I just wish I knew how to start to repair all this damage. Where do I even begin? If I don't have a home or a car or money/job or friends or family or love... where do I begin??? And how do I protect my son as well?
Fuck. I miss my daughter too. I haven't seen her in over a month. I wouldn't want to see me either if I was her. It's got to suck to have me as a mom when I have nothing to give her and the example I am showing is that of pathetic victim, no matter how hard I try not to be one.
I HATE THIS LIFE. FUCK YOU LIFE. FUCK YOU PEOPLE THAT FUCKED ME. I wasn't even smart enough to drink or do drugs. At least then I would have felt less and had some idea why this is all happening to me. But no. No idea. None. Nada.

Lyrics for Aaron Evans Featuring Generik- We All Work Enjoy!




"We all work, we all struggle,
we all bend our backs backward trying not to burst the bubble.
We all pray, we all hustle,
throwing set after set try'n to rep with some muscle.
We all trip, we all stumble, 

we all have to rebuild from the ashes and rubble.
So be brave, yet be humble,
and keep sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.

If every two steps forward, you take one step back,
you're still one step further, than where you were at.
See progress is a process of inches not miles,
so quickly cut your losses and remember to smile.
Believe me, I never said it'd be easy,
but every mighty oak started out as a seedling.
Searching for nourishment purpose and meaning,
breaking out of boxes accepting no ceiling.
See the worlds on your back, 
and you don't feel like atlas,
but perfection takes time,
remember to practice.
Crawl, before you walk, walk before you run,
strengthen your wings if setting course for the sun.
See you'll have to be patient,
learn not to jump the gun.
Learn the life that you've lived,
and the life that's to come.
Yeah I dream of a day we can play and have fun,
but I won't stop fighting till the battle is won.
"We all work, we all struggle,
we all bend our backs backward trying not to burst the bubble.
We all pray, we all hustle,
throwing set after set try'n to rep with some muscle.
We all trip, we all stumble,
we all have to rebuild from the ashes and rubble.
So be brave, yet be humble,
and keep sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.

We'll you tried pinching pennies, but they kept pinching back,
so your nest eggs red, when once it was black (*edit, no ones perfect.)
Plus your tuning fork broke, and a new one ain't free,
but sometimes the best songs are sung out of key.
See credit ain't accepted where moments are priceless,
but a sense of adventure, more than suffices.
Trust me, dude I've gone hungry,
sang in the rain till my tin cup was rusty.
But sometimes in life you just have to keep breathing, 
catch carpediem, look for deeper meaning.
Pick yourself up, brush off your shoulders,
focus on focus, remember the lotus.
Find Zen within, the wall crashing in,
sometimes forest burn so new life can begin.
But you'll have to be brave, and you'll have to be humble, 
but you'll get to the light at the end of the tunnel!

"We all work, we all struggle,
we all bend our backs backward trying not to burst the bubble.
We all pray, we all hustle,
throwing set after set try'n to rep with some muscle.
We all trip, we all stumble,
we all have to rebuild from the ashes and rubble.
But be brave, yet be humble,
and keep sight of the light at the end of the tunnel."


Shine on...

A.E.