Saturday, November 23, 2013

WOW. What a Week of TOTAL CRAP.

Another male shows his true colors, which wouldn't have been too shocking had it not been someone I have known for over 30 years. My ex-sister-in-law does the exact same thing most of my friends and family have done, which is to let me down by their 'good intentions' that end up merely words for their own comfort. Of course, in this case we are talking about the difference between homeless and having a roof over not only my own head but my sons as well, so it's a pretty big fucking deal to us. And let us not forget my mother's sudden email tonight telling me how she is 'unsure' about us moving up to her house. We have exactly 7 days to get out of here, and my finals are starting up as well plus my normal school work load AND I have been suffering from this shit my ex infected me with. Oh, and my car now leaks a full bottle of steering fluid every 48 hours to go with the expired tags of 2 years, cracked axle, bad tires, NO BRAKES, and oil leaking issue as well.
I mean can the universes really think that I deserve this? This is only 1 single week of shit. How much is a person suppose to take, alone, broke, without friends or family to turn to and health issues up the ass as well?? Fuck, I am scared to breath anymore. And if one more guy trys to fuck me over I may go Lorena Bobbitt on his ass. I can't possibly be more honest with people yet they just ignore everything and fuck me over again and again. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE SLEEP AT NIGHT???? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LOOK YOURSELVES IN THE MIRROR? HOW?????????? This is quite possibly the most disheartening fact for me to deal with. The world is full of people like this and they keep finding me, and THAT is what makes the suicide seem so completely logical. No one in their right mind would want this shit day in and day out and if this shit is all there is for me then why the fuck would I subject myself to another 30 or 40 years of it? I can't find just one single true person to have in my life. Not one. Not even the ones who should be there, like family, are. Since my grandfather passed away my life has gone into a spiral of shit and more shit. He was the only person I knew loved me for most of my life. He was the only person I could ever trust or rely on and he ALWAYS had my kids best interest at heart as well. It's been almost 18 years since he passed and still no one has even touched caring for me one ounce as much as he did. I miss him. He was harsh at times, and due to the generational gap, difficult to communicate with as well, BUT I always knew that what he did was from his heart and not to be unkind. Even when I didn't agree, I knew this. He taught me so much and I will forever be thankful for him.
Now, I just wish I knew how to start to repair all this damage. Where do I even begin? If I don't have a home or a car or money/job or friends or family or love... where do I begin??? And how do I protect my son as well?
Fuck. I miss my daughter too. I haven't seen her in over a month. I wouldn't want to see me either if I was her. It's got to suck to have me as a mom when I have nothing to give her and the example I am showing is that of pathetic victim, no matter how hard I try not to be one.
I HATE THIS LIFE. FUCK YOU LIFE. FUCK YOU PEOPLE THAT FUCKED ME. I wasn't even smart enough to drink or do drugs. At least then I would have felt less and had some idea why this is all happening to me. But no. No idea. None. Nada.

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