Deflecting Bullshit Like a Boss!! Wonder Woman Reigns!

Deflecting Bullshit Like a Boss!! 

This is (literally, not figuratively) my mental picture when I am with my Mom or anyone I know who is too scared to speak the truth, or admit being human, therefore flawed or responsible for anything,  etc... I am mentally imagining this gif and I hear the Star Wars laser beam fighting sound... lol! 
Pew. 
Pew pew pew. 
Pew. 
Welcome to my mind. Sometimes it is truly entertaining, other times it's a deep ugly dark abyss of 'just give up.' Everything in between is monotonous crap. Of course if you read the shit I vomit here than you know that already. XOXO

So I was Googling "I fear I am becoming a complete recluse and it scares me" and I found a tribe member...Hi K-2052

K-2052 or Kenny which will piss him off because I know how much my son gets pissed off when I call him his birth name over his legal renaming of Harvey... Harvey? WTF? Anyway, K-2052 really knows how to express the shit that goes on in, at least my brain. Luckily, I know myself some coding too so I didn't get too lost or bored when he started talking like a coder near the last 1/3 but it is the first half that I really tapped into and shared some deep emotional shit with Kenny, no K-2052. If you are curious here is the link:  https://fighttheurgetofade.com/  I wonder how K-2052 is doing these days??

Ever wonder what being me is like? Or being Autistic? Or what feeling like a fucking freak of nature must be like? This kid, at least to me, since he is somewhere between my two kids ages, is brilliant at expressing the insanity and rationality I wrestle with daily. He's got some amazing final sentences in some of these paragraphs as well. It's LOOOONGGG. If you wonder though take a trip...
"Learning to hide what you love and never outwardly show affection for things or people is a gradual thing, but this event definitely catapulted me towards a personality disorder. I gradually learned to never ever show what I liked for fear someone would destroy it." <<< oh yeah. I 'get' that.

"I'm questioning everything about myself and getting to the heart of what I am. I'm no longer accepting anything from culture, parents, friends, colleagues or society at large that I don't think is rational. I'm not drawing silly lines in the sand but rather maintaining a constant awareness of what I am. I'm to going to be open and have a open mind. I'm going to change, adapt, and constantly refactor myself."

"When you are so different there is no frame of reference to figure life out. I don't suffer from the normal issues. There is no guidebook for being me. I've had to learn everything from trial and error."

SEE? I AM NOT TOTALLY ALONE IN MY WAY OF THOUGHT OR EXPRESSION. IT ONLY FEELS LIKE IT 364 DAYS A YEAR...

Strong is the New Pretty. {36 Powerful Images Celebrating what it is to Be a Girl}

Strong is the New Pretty. {36 Powerful Images Celebrating what it is to Be a Girl}

This article caught my eye because, well Evil Knievel and drums were my toys of choice and also my very strong Baby Girl was a tomboy before she suddenly became feminine (mixed with her tomboy!) but then I clicked to read the whole thing and I saw this: Janne Robinson Via Janne Robinson on Apr 13, 2015- Which is odd since my birth name is Jean Robinson and my birthday is April 13...
... and if you read her description at the end you might see a lot of me as well (if I was half my age and hadn't started a family at 20): Janne Robinson is a poet, writer, bushwalker, idealist and animal activist currently residing in Vancouver Island. She cuts kindling with her teeth, eats Bukowski for breakfast and makes the habit of saying the word feminist as much as possible. She surfs naked, pees in the woods, and loves whiskeys that swing their hips when they walk and know what they are doing. >>>>Janne's life-work is to be transparent. She makes a living off hanging her dirty and clean laundry out for the world to see. Her mission is to give others permission to also walk and exist with the same transparency.
The Bukowski reference was the kicker for me... I call this kind of shit synchronicity. My life is filled to the brim with odd connections that are incredibly easy to find; little to no digging needed. Sometimes it is my only affirmation to stay here and breathe longer. The strikingly obvious bread crumbs on this path that make no sense to me and seem so cruel most of the time.But that fucking red line on the map I see when I look back is still there leading me to gawd knows where...

YOU ARE WORTHY

To my kids and to everyone else who has ever been told or it has been implied, that they are 'less than' capable of achieving a dream or deep desire. Only people who fear failure will put such worthless shit upon the shoulders of a warrior preparing to go to war in this ruthless world. Particularly, a person who is on a path leading to ones dream becoming reality (no matter the length of that dream). Failure is nothing more than proof that one has the balls to practice what they 

preach and the internal strength to get up and move on with their head held high (and lessons learned duly-noted as well). It also shows internal integrity, because what anyone externally thinks of us (beyond our children and for some, their family/mates) should never alter our path if it is a deep guttural journey we are pursuing. 

I let someone else's words echo so loudly in my head that I made decisions I would have never had made otherwise (in past action patterns at least). From there, I let my pride and my Aries drive to conquer what I perceived as a defect in me based on this one persons words that would not loosen their hold on me become it's own force. That my friends is how the Paul fiasco managed to go on for 14 years not counting the year and half I lived there after the fact.
NEVER AGAIN. EVER.
E
V
E
R
So, listen to what you are saying to one another and be present when saying it AND if what someone is saying to you feels like they are stabbing you to death then they probably are in a manner of speaking. Would you stand there and let someone stab you in reality without fighting back? Probably not. Fight, bite, spit and run if you must but do not let anyone kill your dreams or damage your soul willingly.

Miserable Immoral NonBelievers

At least we keep good company. 

For me it is believing in me and others, laughter and sincerity, empathy and logic. More than anything else though, it is refusing to accept to be a sheep and to base all my rights, choices, emotions, reactions, wants and needs on anything outside of me and my truths. I'm a good enough person to fully trust myself to make these decisions and expend my energies on what I believe to be right and worthy. I don't need anyone 'above me' in any form, be it celestial or hierarchical, class or educational, age or gender to lead me. I'll look for the wisdom around me and inside me to choose. I will continue to observe and compare and weigh and dissect and repair, rebuild and tear down again until I feel the depth of truth has been hit... and then I will continue to observe, just in case. 

People are difficult and unique enough to keep an observer busy for many lifetimes. Why we create so much outer conflict and chaos is beyond me. There is so much to occupy us if we just watch and listen.

Yadda yadda... coffee and Adderall have not quite hit yet. It all makes sense to me though and that is what matters.

The Suicide Theory Official Trailer (2014) - Nicholas G. Cooper Thriller...

Five star movie in my opinion and that was having already figured out most of the story line. It's rare I still like a movie this much if I know the twists (or think I do). I don't know why it is rated a thriller though. I found it to feel more like an independent psychological movie but what do I know?

Oh yeah, and it is streaming on Netflix if you feel like checking it out!

“I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our more stupid melancholy propensities, for is there anything more stupid than to be eager to go on carrying a burden which one would gladly throw away, to loathe one’s very being and yet to hold it fast, to fondle the snake that devours us until it has eaten our hearts away?” 
― Voltaire, Candide: or, Optimism

And That FB Friend is on A Fucking Roll at Pissing Me Off.

My previous post was about this 'FB friend' and his obsession with what I call self-help guru gods or in other words, The Blind leading the sheep as far as their pockets are deep. OK, that was a stupid line but minimal brain function at the  moment and too much pain as well. Plus, I wasn't signed on to the interwebs for more than 2 minutes before I was forced to write the reply that this post is actually about but my A.D.D. brain has once again driven me off course a bit. (Big breath)
So, I told my mom I am moving out. I sent the email like 4 days ago. She read it last night. In true form she has gone into illogical land and decided to be shocked and hurt rather than elated as she has been drilling into me her deep desire for me to (and I quote) 'get the fuck out of her house so she can have her fucking life back and her friends will stop avoiding her and she can enjoy her life that she hates now BECAUSE OF ME.' Unquote, although a mash-up of quotes it is... So before bed I posted this on my FB page and then took a Xanax so I wouldn't lose my shit:

MY POST: I give my mom exactly what she wants and she has the audacity to be 'hurt and shocked'????? WTF?? A true narcissist (narcopath) in action my friends. No way to win. No way to satisfy them. Always being victimized even by the people they control. It's almost comical. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK! Breathe...
Like   Comment   Share
FRIEND likes this.

REPLIES:

PERSON TRYING TO PUSH ME>>
Your mother is "hurt and shocked" over a gift ?
Like · Reply · 10 hrs <<< MY QUESTION HERE IS WHY ARE THEY COMMENTING ON SOMETHING THEY OBVIOUSLY DON'T GRASP? WHY NOT ASK TO CLARIFY? WHY THEN GO ON TO COMMENT AGAIN??????????????????  WHY?!!!!! THEY ASKED FOR IT...

FRIEND She's always seemed happier with an audience.
Like · Reply · 1 · 7 hrs

FRIEND You can't please everybody, now is the time for you to think of yourself.
Like · Reply · 1 · 6 hrs

PERSON TRYING TO PUSH ME>>> 
It may end up better for your own peace, to forgive your mother. If she has narcissistic tendencies, she may be unaware of it. Your parents can die at any moment.
Like · Reply · 6 hrs · Edited  <<<<<<The Comment that pushed me over the edge this morning AND THE EXACT REASON WHY I choose to be an introverted fucking recluse (not now as now is forced but I'll be good with like 1-5 friends. If that. Fuck this shit)

THIS IS ME REPLYING>>> 
The 'gift' is that I am moving. I am giving her exactly what she has been drilling into me almost 24/7 as her deepest desire for the past 2 years. And PLEASE, please, stop giving me advice. I haven't known you long enough to have the patience to hear it and I don't do the 'guru doctor' this says, or 'they say to yadda yadda' thing. 
My life. 
My experience and not the easily categorized and labeled life either. 
So again, as I asked you before; no almost begged you, STOP IT. Everyone dies btw (thanks for the attempt to guilt me into accepting the unacceptable). No one should hold more value where that statement is concerned as everyone has some value to someone somewhere but that is no excuse to accept abuse. NO EXCUSE. And if that is what you tell yourself and others then you are accepting your self worth as less than... and that is all you. Not someone else using and abusing you. Parents and relatives ARE NOT specially licensed to abuse. They get no special 'get out of jail' cards giving them free reign to do so without repercussions. The only person that can do that is you. Anyway, I didn't plan on going to sleep to her shit and waking-up to the guilt fest of eminent death but thanks for the wake-up call.

This reply I did post.

The previous reply (on my previous blog post) I never posted on FB because I was attempting to be a kind and empathetic person who would try to 'let it go' a bit but people are like a manufacturing line of the exact same product. They are so god damn predictable that I just want to scream and break things until I accidently cut an artery and bleed the fuck out. Sweet relief. I can count on one hand the number of people with unique minds that interest me that I know. My kids are two of them. That's 40% of the people. 
I have a week and then I can leave here. I'm elated and freaked out and totally losing my shit trying to sit in this fucking room and wait and now I get to dread my mothers eventual explosion too. Well, at least that will make the staring at the walls and tv a bit more enticing. I need coffee... later people. Or person. Or dead air and crickets. 

Wayne Dyer was just another person. He was not a God. He was just human like everyone else.

A friend on FB posted this quote today. He is a BIG follower of Wayne Dyer (like FOLLOWER in all caps) and I guess he took his death pretty hard but that is beside the point... anyway, he posted this quote today and it seemed to be aimed at me, so I did what I do; I commented on it! I have zero patience anymore for having this discussion with people but on occasion I just can't not have a say. It may have not been aimed at me but my gut seemed to think otherwise. My gut is pretty accurate. I'm just sayin'!

""Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else. Your completeness must be understood by you and experienced in your thoughts as your own personal reality." Wayne Dyer."

Tell that to someone who is literally starving or being abused. I'm not kidding. Life and it's experiences can not be summed up and presented in a pretty and clean box or sentence that makes everyone's heart a flutter with hope and washes away the dirtiness of it. You can not preach 'be strong in YOU!' and such, and in the same breath try to wash away or devalue the facts of some people's reality by basically shaming them for not seeing how they 'have everything they need already! ' Only people who haven't been without, or sheep, can truly support this way of dehumanizing and devaluing the reality of human life. It's funny how they don't do this with animals though. You never see commercials telling animals that they have everything they need while showing film and photos of them starving and/or bloody and beaten and such... isn't that odd? I mean to me it isn't because I know the money machine works by hitting the weak spot in people. It works by convincing these people and their great desire to be saved that if they just FOLLOW... if they just BELIEVE... if they ignore and turn away from anything that rubs against the words being PREACHED (religiously or not)... if it isn't pleasant than let's just devalue it by pretending it can be solved immediately and simply if that person or those people would just do it this way or that... LOL. This frustrates me to no end. The hypocrisy is so alarmingly obvious, and yet people believe what tidies up their little world.  I get that is human behavior but it doesn't have to be if people choose otherwise by opening their eyes and mind to the bigger, messier view. I'm just sayin'!! 

Now I am wavering on posting my reply on his post. He's one of those fragile people that are 'suffering' although they have everything and more to survive comfortably but they lack backbone or internal strength or whatever you want to call the black hole that some people use to excuse everything in their life or to blame everything in their life on. He has done much like my mom has done, except he has gone in search of his guru. Again, looking for someone else to fix him rather than looking inward and finding the tools to heal his own wounds permanently. This whole planet is held together by bandages. It can't hold on forever while leaking from the wounds that never properly healed. Not people nor this planet can be fixed without proper healing. At best we end up with a gimpish (defective) society and a jimmy rigged planet just waiting to crash and burn.
STOP BANDAGING YOUR WOUNDS AND START HEALING THEM INSTEAD!!!! Fuck. How is this not common knowledge? How is this logic, not logical? When did everyone become so drunk on the kool-aid????? 
WAKE THE FUCK UP PEOPLE!!

Even the gif I found to use was from another guru of the past... too funny. 
Too sad. 
Too real, huh?

My curse, or my salvation?

Although I have never really thought about this in this context (being conscious of doing this), seeing this post suddenly made me aware of the fact that I do this naturally, as in, like a habit. It's a coping mechanism that creates empathy rather than rage in most cases. Most assholes are hurt, angry or lonely children on the inside. This does not justify bad behavior but it helps to defuse anger in reaction to them and their tactics. 

It may be my curse, or my salvation but I am pretty damn sure it is why I haven't gone out and retaliated or just hurt the people who so completely deserve some form of 'payback' or 'reaction of which I stand up for myself or my value.' Basically, I use my words (here mostly) and only occasionally day dream about my bare hands and normal versions of retaliation. Most times, I really wish I could be the person who values themselves enough to not be so got damn logical and empathetic. But, I wouldn't be me anymore and I still like myself. So fuck'em. 

Found on FB

Way to ride the hypocrisy train

Wow! 
Damion, dude. 
Way to get down with the hypocrisy! Oh yee who hollers of the lack of integrity in the people surrounding him! Congrats on the new gig reporting on music you claimed to hate and have no knowledge of either. Even better is seeing that you are reporting on bands I grew up with in Orange County specifically, that you poo poo'd when they were just something I enjoyed. I guess now that they are paying your bills and shit you have suddenly 'seen the light?' 
Bullshit. 
You're two-faced and a sell out. At least you don't challenge or surprise me at all anymore. How embarrassed I am until I realize that at least I got out and stayed out. Some of those other chicks are seriously delusional. You are as transparent as they come and your actual depth is about as deep as your ability to love anyone but yourself. Gawd but you do put on a spectacular show in the first weeks. Thankfully, it didn't take long to see the pattern and the pain and the complete and utter fear your life is driven by, and I pity you but that's about it. 
You're so self-absorbed that even befriending you was impossible without being lied to, used and spit on regularly. You my ex-friend have some serious shit to work out in your past before you have any right to bring anyone into your personal hell. What a sad lonely way to choose to live. 
And thank you, THANK YOU for not contacting me when your last known bullshit story failed as predicted. I have a serious issue with caring about people who don't deserve my time, energy or care, but I think I have finally hit the line that will stop me from continuing to do that. So again, thank you. One less person to worry about. One less person to have to watch my back around. One less person whose bullshit I will pretend to believe while I try to figure out how to help. Some people, no many people just don't have the tools to grow up or the depth to empathize sincerely with anyone else. I've been saved! Hallelujah! 

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

Waking Times

Young man, be aware of these four good-hearted friends: the helper, the friend who endures in good times and bad, the mentor, and the compassionate friend.

The helper can be identified by four things: by protecting you when you are vulnerable, and likewise your wealth, being a refuge when you are afraid, and in various tasks providing double what is requested.

The enduring friend can be identified by four things: by telling you secrets, guarding your own secrets closely, not abandoning you in misfortune, and even dying for you.

The mentor can be identified by four things: by restraining you from wrongdoing, guiding you towards good actions, telling you what you ought to know, and showing you the path to samsaric heavens.

The compassionate friend can be identified by four things: by not rejoicing in your misfortune, delighting in your good fortune, preventing others from speaking ill of you, and encouraging others who praise your good qualities.

 ~ Excerpted from the Sigalovada Sutta

This article is offered under Creative Commons license. It’s okay to republish it anywhere as long as attribution bio is included and all links remain intact.

"Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment."

Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment." (see story below)
And then they bitch about crime. Hungry people are desperate people and guess what? Not all people in poverty have little kids. Some of us already took care of our parental responsibility and have kids paying into a system that is letting their parents starve to death. Make sense, right? Ha! On top of that many of us have disabilities but the system is so incredibly screwed that it literally takes YEARS to get through the process only to be denied and have to go through appeals. They're hypocrites. They know the system is so bad that the few ways adults without children have to get food-stamps are not even viable options, so they consciously are letting us starve.
And I am hungry right now, so this really pisses me off to read. Hungry people are also sick, under-productive and REALLY easily pissed off. Malnutrition does not really work well with productivity.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/food-stamps-time-limit_55e5cf01e4b0b7a9633a4c60

Unemployed People Are Getting Kicked Off Food Stamps

Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment."

Arthur DelaneySenior Reporter, The Huffington Post

Posted: 09/01/2015 01:35 PM EDT

WASHINGTON -- If you're a working-age person without a job, a disability or a kid, then soon you're not going to have access to food stamps, either. In another sign of eroding sympathy for the jobless amid a tepid economic recovery, states are restricting benefits for the unencumbered unemployed. Indiana is next.

Earlier this year, the Hoosier State notified roughly 50,000 of the state's 836,000 food stamp recipients that they would be getting the boot come October unless they met work requirements set by the 1996 federal welfare reform law. That Gingrichian measure requires childless adults without disabilities to work 20 hours a week in order to qualify for more than three months of food stamp benefits.

Federal regulations let states waive that rule in times of high unemployment, and since 2009 almost every state has done so. But the U.S. Department of Agriculture, which oversees food stamp benefits -- more formally known as the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program -- notified states this year that they would soon lose those waivers thanks to falling unemployment rates.

Ending the waivers would kick about a million people off food stamps by the end of next year, according to a January estimate by Ed Bolen, a policy expert with the liberal Center on Budget and Policy Priorities. He said in an interview this week that Indiana is being more aggressive about the time limit than it needs to be, since states can still apply for limited waivers in areas of high unemployment.

"Indiana is not taking an approach that other states are taking, which is to keep the waiver in parts of the state that are hard hit," Bolen said.

But Jim Gavin, a spokesman for the Indiana Family and Social Services Administration, said that forgoing waivers altogether is better policy.

"We view the establishment of the time limits as an opportunity to help improve the skills of Hoosiers in all parts of the state and advance their prospects for meaningful employment," Gavin said, "while at the same time establishing a pool of better prepared candidates for the Indiana workforce."

Only about 10 percent of the 47 million SNAP recipients nationally were able-bodied adults without dependents in 2013, according to the most recent USDA data. The overall number of recipients has declined slightly since then to roughly 45 million. 

The three-month limit for those not working has also been reinstated this year in Wisconsin and Maine, and soon will in New Mexico. Kansas reimposed it in 2013. Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback (R) and New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez (R) urged other states to follow suit in a Sunday op-ed in The Washington Times.

"We encourage governors not to renew work waivers for able-bodied adults without dependent children who are on food assistance and, instead, help lift millions off of welfare and transition them to meaningful jobs as a result," the governors wrote, citing circumstantial evidence that reimposing the time limit boosted employment in some states.

Food stamp recipients can fulfill the work requirement by finding a job or by participating in activities like job training, though Bolen said most states don't offer programs that would guarantee people those other options if they can't find a job.

HuffPost readers: Affected by a SNAP work requirement in your state? Tell us about it -- email arthur@huffingtonpost.com. Please include your phone number if you're willing to be interviewed for a story.

Ka is a wheel

“Ka is a wheel; its one purpose is to turn. The spin of ka always brings us back to the same place, to face and reface our mistakes and defeats until we can learn from them. When we learn from the past, the wheel continues to move forward, towards growth and evolution. When we don’t, the wheel spins backward, and we are given another chance. If once more we squander the opportunity, the wheel continues its rotation towards devolution, or destruction.” -Stephen King

I'm making Ka beads with my freebies!

 Evil Eye beads next! 

INFJ's Like Me Need a Survival Guide, But I Guess 'Here's a Guide to Knowing an INFJ' Instead.

SO THIS HERE LITTLE ARTICLE IS BASICALLY MY INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL STRUGGLE EXPLAINED IN LAYMEN TERMS. I WAS SHOCKED TO SEE IT SITTING THERE WAITING FOR ME TO DISCOVER IT IN MY FB STREAM, BUT THERE IT WAS SO HERE I SHARE. IF ANYONE ELSE IS AN INFJ YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME. WE CAN START A GROUP FOR THE DISCONNECTED 1% OF US AND EAT CAKE. I REALLY WANT CAKE, SORRY...
http://iheartintelligence.com/2015/08/27/constant-contradictions/

Of the 16 personality types in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), the rarest of them is the INFJ. Only 1% of the people who take the MBTI fall into this personality type, and if you happen to be one of these rare souls, you know how hard it can be for other people to understand you – or even to understand yourself. One of the defining characteristics of the INFJ is an almost constant internal contradiction. 16personalities.com describes the INJF as having a “very unique combination of traits: though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain – INFJs will act with creativity, imagination, conviction and sensitivity not to create an advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to INFJs, and they tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.”  SEE? I REALLY AM THE PERSON I CLAIM TO BE, SO NEENER! 

To get an idea of what I am talking about, here are 6 things that other INFJs will agree with me on (even if they don’t admit it).

1. Most of your favorite people are fictional. In fact, most of the time you feel a real connection to another INJF, it is typically in a book. 98% OF REAL PEOPLE SUCK IT IN MY EXPERIENCE AND THERE ISN'T ANYONE TRYING TO PROVE ME WRONG WITH ANYTHING MORE THAN WORDS. USELESS WORDS. CHEAP WORDS. BLAH BLAH BLAH CLICK CLICK YADDA...

2. You find it easy to convince people that you’re an extrovert one minute, and an introvert the next. You understand that it confuses people when you shift gears, but you also know that sometimes you just want to be alone. You want relationships in your life and they make you happy, but you also need a lot of alone time to be happy. It’s a constant juggling act. -I WANT BALANCE AND SOME PEACE FOR HELL'S SAKE. CLING I DO NOT. CLINGY SUCKS. BEING SO NEEDY HAS BEEN HELL FOR ME AND THERE IS A BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ALONE TIME AND TOTAL ISOLATION FOR YEARS. BIG BIG DIFFERENCE. 

3. As much as you hate working for money, you’re realistic about needing money to pay bills, rent, etc. It’s a constant battle between being responsible and being free. You can, at the same time, imagine a utopian society – and know that it will never exist.- BUT I STILL DREAM

4. Your intuition will often times play out exactly how a situation is going to go for someone in your head. But, at the risk of offending someone, you just let it play out, and let them make the mistake that you saw coming all along. This is compounded by the fact self-destructive people are drawn to you like a moth to a flame, and you generally care about their problems more than they do. A lot of times, you create standards for other people in your heads based on how you would treat others (including yourself), or what you would do if you were them. You then find yourself severely disappointed when others don’t meet your made-up standards. -GET'EM AWAY, DAMN IT. HALT! SEIZE! TURN THE FUCK AROUND AND MARCH!!!  

5. Sometimes you get a thought in your head that you can’t put into words that other people will understand. Typically, when you try to explain it – you end up confusing them even more. Most of the time, this situation revolves around telling someone how you feel. You either reveal as little about yourself as you possibly can or you reveal WAY too much and end up feeling like an idiot after the fact. After you’ve gone through this cycle enough times, you often end up apologizing for any expression of emotion at all. Social media doesn’t help at all with this one. -THIS BLOG IS A GREAT EXAMPLE OF HOW I TRY TO BE UNDERSTOOD TO NO AVAIL.

6. You have the ability to fit in everywhere, without feeling like you fit in anywhere. As gifted as you are as an intellectual, you can be miles away from the world around you. This usually leads to a realization that most of the world doesn’t live inside of their own head like you, and that seems weird to you. Often times this leaves you feeling like you are in tune with everyone else’s feelings except your own. -IN OTHER WORDS- SQUARE PEG AMONG ROUND HOLES. 

Hmmmmmm?????

I love the theory but I've tried it and you know what? Nothing. Nothing happens when you stop participating. Now for me that was detrimental at one point and it still is off and on, because spinning ones wheels 24/7 and taking verbal abuse on top of it gets REAL OLD YA'ALL, and then the dark shit takes over. So, do this momentarily when you come to realize that you are powerless for the moment. Use that time to rest or zone out guilt free OR you can use that time to ask yourself why the hell this drawing has a wanger so delicately drawn on???? 

Hmmmm? 

I watch KDramas myself. I find the completely opposite culture refreshing, plus the need to read subtitles helps split my brain activity enough to make the A.D.D. and the rest of the shit swirling around in my head dissipate for awhile. As an added bonus, they can be funnier than shit and then suddenly make your throat close up and tears start falling out like crazy and then there is the food. So much food. A piece of their culture I understand well, feeding the people you care about and holding onto ones integrity. Good stuff! But, one of the best things is how Korea figured out that 'the gratuitous shower scenes' should always be gorgeous Asian men, rather than the plastic women the US is obsessed with. So refreshing! 

Lee Min Ho breaking women's hearts everywhere.

My first K-crush doing his share for humanity. Thank you, Lee Dong-Wook (이동욱) #KDrama #LeeDongWook Scent of a Woman

So when you're down and troubled and need a helping hand, and nothing, nothing is going riggghhhttt...... 

Find your secret feel good zone out thing and just do it. Guilt free. If your feeling guilty for doing it then you are doing wrong or you really are doing something shitty. In that case, try to find something that isn't hurting yourself or anyone else.

Oh, I guess I should add to any naysayers about the buff men and my own shallowness, yadda, yadda, yadda, that it isn't the hot bod that does it for me. That's a bonus I suppose, but my ex had a better body than these two photos and he spent the time he wasn't working, and as I now know, fucking other people and such, at the gym. I was a gym widow for almost a decade and half. That shit is pointless if you can't back it up with some really great internal qualities. If you are a dick on the inside then people will figure it out eventually no matter how pretty you make the outside. FACT. In real life I don't give pretty men a second glance anymore. Unless it seems to be just a fluke of nature. I'd look twice at that. Anyway, be a good person. Keep true to your words. Care about people, particularly when they really need it. LET PEOPLE CARE FOR YOU BACK. Don't take advantage of it when you get 'cause at some point they will come to their senses. And um, keep on fighting.

Seriously!! It's all I can think about!!

When The Nail Is Hit Perfectly On The Head...

ARIES: This weekend, you may discover surprising news or secrets. If you and a lover or close friend have not been good for one another — for whatever reason — it may be best for you to reconsider your connection and think about why you feel so dependent on their approval. Now it is time to break free from ties that hold you back! (Tangent to follow, sorry! Pre-Adderall kick-in rant) 

(LUCKILY, I HAVE NO LOVER AND NO CLOSE FRIENDS, WHICH I EQUATE TO PEOPLE I CAN SEE AS OPPOSED TO ONES AT THE OTHER END OF THE INTERWEBS THAT MAY NOT EVEN ACTUALLY EXIST BUT RATHER BE FIGMENTS OF MY IMAGINATION. THAT'S THE HORROR OF TECHNOLOGY. PEOPLE DON'T HAVE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR WORDS OR CLAIMS OR ALMOST ANYTHING ANYMORE. THEY CAN LITERALLY JUST DISCONNECT AND BE DONE WITH YOU. HOW DO WE KNOW THEY ARE REALLY THERE ANYMORE? ANYONE CAN BE ANYONE AT THIS POINT. THEY ALREADY SAY WHAT THEY WANT WITHOUT ANY INTENTION OR CONCERN FOR THE WEIGHT OF THOSE WORDS ON OTHER PEOPLES LIVES. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I CAN WRITE ON THIS BLOG LIKE I DO. IT'S BECAUSE NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ANYMORE. EVEN THE ONES THAT DO WON'T DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT TAKES TOO MUCH ATTENTION, DRIVE AND ENERGY TO BOTHER. IRONIC. HUH? DAMN NEAR THE ENTIRE WORLD HAS BECOME PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE 14 YEAR OLD'S WHO KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT CAN'T FIND THEIR ASS FROM A HOLE IN THE WALL SO THEY HAVE TANTRUMS AND SLAM DOORS AND SAY CRUEL THINGS THEY CAN'T TAKE BACK AND THEY ARE SO DETERMINED TO HIDE THEIR FLAWS THAT THEY JUST CREATE MORE DRAMA, CHAOS AND PAIN FOR THEMSELVES AND EVERYONE ELSE, BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE THEM LEARN ANYTHING FROM THE EXPERIENCES, BECAUSE THEY KNOW IT ALL ALREADY. (I'M LAUGHING OUT LOUD) GAWD, WHAT A FUCKING FUCKED UP WORLD IT HAS BECOME. IT'S ON REPEAT OR IT'S SKIPPING LIKE A SCRATCHED RECORD. IT'S ANNOYING. 

NO ONE IS AROUND ANYMORE TO MOTIVE PEOPLE TO BE TRUSTWORTHY OR TRY TO BE BETTER FOR, EVEN IF IT IS ONLY IN TRYING TO EMPRESS SOMEONE; AT LEAST ONE PERSON CREATED DRIVE IN ANOTHER TO TAKE ACTION. THE LEARNING HAS HALTED. PEOPLE SHOULD BE OBSERVING AND IN-TAKING THAT INFORMATION FOR FUTURE REFERENCE. IT'S HOW IT IS WAS DONE. WE WILL SOON BE RIGHT OUT OF THE MOVIE 'IDIOCRACY' FAT, STUPID AND TOO DUMB TO EVEN REALIZE IT. (Click the 'Idiocracy' to see why.))

I JUST PROVED MY GIF WRONG. OBVIOUSLY I GIVE A FUCK. OBVIOUSLY I AM AFFECTED. BUT, THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE IT. 

http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/08/astrology-gifs-for-the-week-of-august-24-2015.html?mid=facebook_kw&kwp_0=37832&kwp_4=219682&kwp_1=182936

So much to say.

After many hours of attempting to write a lifetime of basically everything of importance that I want to share with my kids I find myself still here. Still lost. If nothing else this blog is a good representation of the insanity verbal abuse, depression, pain and poverty bring upon a person. The crisis and crazy of living this way should be apparent. I'm disappointed in my lack of courage yet I got to express some of the things I worry about missing if I suddenly am gifted with the courage to escape this reality forever. When you have kids, no matter their ages, and you love them from the depths of your soul you don't take ending your life lightly. This isn't some teenager brokenhearted and acting out. This shit is FINAL. You don't get a pass to come back. You don't get a do over. You are here and then you seize to exist. The end. So, in that, a person that knows the value of love is apt to want to feel as though they have finished their business beforehand. That is what we tell ourselves, but we know we will never manage to cover it all. There will always be a regret. That is if there is anything past this. And this my friends is the thought in that moment when you hold the pills in your hand or you make the first cut. Panic. At least for me. In that moment the panic is what takes the courage away and then there is shame for being so weak and knowing that soon enough I will find myself in this moment again so why can't I just do it now? This time I went and attempted to get as much as I could out. It isn't enough, but if I went anytime soon, without further writing, I would at least feel that I said something of importance. I have more but I am long-winded. I did not write nearly enough to my son. I wrote a lot to my daughter. Many pages. I wrote a bit to the masses but in truth, in the end, the kids are most in my thoughts. Everyone else that matters has been privy to this whole ugly thing and this process so they shouldn't have much to question and this blog should fill in any holes, if not, I guess that is life, or is it death? I don't know. I'm still here. I'm neither proud of that fact or horrified. Just tired at the moment. Your judgement is nothing in the big scheme of all this so think what you will. It's a free country (or it once was). 

I take it back.

I DON'T WANT HELP. 
I WANT COURAGE.
I WANT IT TO BE OVER.
I WANT PEACE.
I'M NOT A TAKER BY NATURE AND THIS HAS BEEN TORTURE. BEGGING AND HOPING HAVE KILLED MY SOUL. I DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE WHO LIVE LIKE THIS BY CHOICE DO IT BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT BEING LIKE THEM.
SO I TAKE IT BACK...
JUST SEND ME THE COURAGE TO TAKE MY LIFE BACK AND END THE NIGHTMARE ONCE AND FOR ALL. 
I WANT NOTHING ELSE.

LOOK WHAT I FOUND

I REALLY DO NEED HELP.    <<< YOU CAN CLICK HERE AND READ ABOUT IT, OR NOT.

I FOUND THE CONTAINER THAT HOLDS ALL THE TEETH THAT HAVE BROKEN IN THE LAST 2 YEARS... IT'S KIND OF GROSS BUT IT'S EVEN MORE PAINFUL TO HAVE SO MANY DEFECTS IN MY MOUTH FOR SO LONG. IT ALSO SUCKS TO FEEL LIKE PEOPLE THINK I MIGHT BE A CRACK WHORE OR SOMETHING BECAUSE WHEN I SMILE NOW YOU CAN SEE THE POST THAT ONCE WAS THE BASE THAT HELD ONE OF THESE PIECES IN PLACE.
SO ANYWAY, WELCOME TO LIFE.