Monday, December 21, 2015

So I was Googling "I fear I am becoming a complete recluse and it scares me" and I found a tribe member...Hi K-2052

K-2052 or Kenny which will piss him off because I know how much my son gets pissed off when I call him his birth name over his legal renaming of Harvey... Harvey? WTF? Anyway, K-2052 really knows how to express the shit that goes on in, at least my brain. Luckily, I know myself some coding too so I didn't get too lost or bored when he started talking like a coder near the last 1/3 but it is the first half that I really tapped into and shared some deep emotional shit with Kenny, no K-2052. If you are curious here is the link:  https://fighttheurgetofade.com/  I wonder how K-2052 is doing these days??

Ever wonder what being me is like? Or being Autistic? Or what feeling like a fucking freak of nature must be like? This kid, at least to me, since he is somewhere between my two kids ages, is brilliant at expressing the insanity and rationality I wrestle with daily. He's got some amazing final sentences in some of these paragraphs as well. It's LOOOONGGG. If you wonder though take a trip...
"Learning to hide what you love and never outwardly show affection for things or people is a gradual thing, but this event definitely catapulted me towards a personality disorder. I gradually learned to never ever show what I liked for fear someone would destroy it." <<< oh yeah. I 'get' that.

"I'm questioning everything about myself and getting to the heart of what I am. I'm no longer accepting anything from culture, parents, friends, colleagues or society at large that I don't think is rational. I'm not drawing silly lines in the sand but rather maintaining a constant awareness of what I am. I'm to going to be open and have a open mind. I'm going to change, adapt, and constantly refactor myself."

"When you are so different there is no frame of reference to figure life out. I don't suffer from the normal issues. There is no guidebook for being me. I've had to learn everything from trial and error."

SEE? I AM NOT TOTALLY ALONE IN MY WAY OF THOUGHT OR EXPRESSION. IT ONLY FEELS LIKE IT 364 DAYS A YEAR...


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