Monday, December 21, 2015

INFJ- FINDING JOY- BEING ACCEPTED- GROWING UP- LIVING.

IM JUST TRYIN' TO LIVE MY LIFE OR GET THROUGH IT. NOTHING IS PERSONAL. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT SURVIVAL AND TRYING TO GET AS MUCH AS I CAN OUT OF WHAT I HAVE TO USE. NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS. MY PERSONALITY, MY INTELLECT, MY CONVICTIONS, MY EXPERIENCES, MY DESIRES, MY REJECTIONS HAVE ALL COME FROM DEEP THOUGHT AND CONTEMPLATION. THEY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE ELSE. THEY ARE MINE AND ME. THEY ARE EXACTLY AS PRESENTED. I HAVEN'T HIDDEN ANYTHING BECAUSE I CAN'T ANYMORE. SO ACCEPT ME OR REJECT ME BUT DON'T JUDGE MY CHOICES BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T WALKED IN THESE SHOES. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS JOURNEY HAS ALTERED THE WAY I SEE THIS WORLD AND I WAS NEVER REALLY A PART OF IT IN THE FIRST PLACE SO TO EXPECT ME TO MANEUVER IT IN A WAY THAT YOU APPROVE OF OR UNDERSTAND IS RIDICULOUS AND CRUEL. IF I COULD DO THAT I WOULD HAVE AGES AGO AND MADE MY LIFE MUCH EASIER. THAT'S JUST BASIC LOGIC.
AS FOR GETTING LAID... I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT IT. SEX IS LIKE CANDY. IT HOLDS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE. IT'S A PERK BUT NOT A NECESSITY. GIVE ME INTELLECT, GIVE ME PASSION FOR SOMETHING, GIVE ME CONNECTIONS OF VALUE BUT NEVER EVER ASSUME I NEED TO GET LAID. MY LIFE AND HEALTH HAVE BEEN DESTROYED BECAUSE OF SUCH FRIVOLOUS IDEAS AND DESIRES OF OTHERS AND MY OWN. I AM WAY PAST THAT SHIT IN LIFE... I FIND THESE ASSUMPTIONS TO BE LIKE BEING ASKED IF I AM ON THE RAG BECAUSE I HAVE A MOOD OR REACTION SOMEONE DOESN'T FIND DESIRABLE. IT'S WEAK AND UNDERHANDED TO DEGRADE SOMEONE LIKE THAT. I DO MY BEST TO NOT REACT BECAUSE I HAVE AN ARSENAL OF MY OWN, BUT I TRY REALLY HARD NOT TO DISH OUT WHAT I DON'T WANT BACK BUT SOMETIMES IT'S A REAL CHALLENGE AND SOMETIMES I HAVE TO CLOSE EVERYTHING OFF JUST TO HOLD IT IN LONG ENOUGH TO PUT OUT THE FIRE. I'VE BEEN TOLD I HAVE QUITE THE UNIQUE TALENT OF USING MY WORDS TO DESTROY A PERSON IF I SO CHOOSE. I KNOW THIS WELL. I CHOOSE TO BE AS RESPONSIBLE AS I CAN. TO NOT ATTACK EVEN WHEN PROVOKED. PLEASE STOP PROVOKING ME. PLEASE. I ACCEPT YOU THE WAY YOU ARE EVEN IF I DON'T UNDERSTAND AND I TRY TO ONLY EXPRESS THE THINGS THAT MAKE ME WORRY ABOUT YOUR HAPPINESS OR THAT AFFECT ME AND I TRY TO DO THAT IN THE MOMENT AND AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. PLEASE DO THE SAME FOR ME. AND PLEASE TAKE MY WORD WHEN GIVEN, AS FACT. I AM NOT PLAYING GAMES. I AM NOT TRYING TO MIND FUCK ANYONE. I AM NOT TRYING TO GET MORE ATTENTION OR TEST ANYONE. I WILL ASK IF I NEED. I WILL SAY NO IF I DON'T WANT SOMETHING. I WILL SAY YES TO WHAT I WANT OR NEED IN THAT MOMENT. IF I DON'T KNOW THEN I DON'T KNOW. IF I KNOW I WILL TELL YOU OR DO WHAT I CAN, BUT I WON'T PLAY THE SURROGATE PARENT OR MATE HAPPILY FOR THINGS THAT PEOPLE ARE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF ANSWERING OR DOING ON THEIR OWN. TRY TO DO IT YOURSELF FIRST THEN ASK ME IF YOU CAN'T FIND WHAT YOU NEED BUT DON'T MAKE YOURSELF FEEL LOVED BY ASKING PEOPLE FOR THINGS YOU CAN DO ON YOUR OWN, THAT SHOULD FEEL DEGRADING NOT GOOD. YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT DEGRADING YOUR INTELLECT OR ABILITIES IN EXCHANGE FOR SUCH THINGS. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID TO MY CHILDREN AND MY FEMALE FRIENDS. YOU ARE NOT MORE ATTRACTIVE BECAUSE YOU PLAY VULNERABLE. SOMETIMES WE ARE VULNERABLE BUT SAVE THOSE TIMES FOR THE REAL STUFF. DO NOT DEVALUE THE VALUABLE EMOTIONS IN LIFE. DO NOT DEVALUE THE REAL ATTENTION YOU ARE GIVEN. DO NOT TWIST OR MISTAKE FAKE ATTENTION FOR REAL ATTENTION. DO NOT THINK THAT I DO NOT SEE THIS. DO NOT BELIEVE THAT I AM INCAPABLE OF READING BETWEEN THE LINES. DO NOT THINK I HAVEN'T LIVED THIS GAME ALREADY IN SPADES. I HATE IT. I HATED IT. I MASTERED IT A LONGTIME AGO AND I WON'T PLAY IT ANYMORE. IT BORES ME AND IT ANGERS ME AND I FEEL PITY WHEN I SEE PEOPLE DOING IT. VALUE YOURSELF MORE.
I'M SORRY I AM THIS WAY. I KNOW IT IS DIFFICULT FOR PEOPLE. I KNOW I AM NOT NORMAL. I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.
I KNOW I SOUND HURTFUL BUT IT IS NOT MY INTENTION. I AM TIRED OF DEFENDING MYSELF THOUGH. I CAN ONLY PRESENT MYSELF AS I AM. IF I AM NOT ACCEPTED ALL I CAN DO IS PRESENT MYSELF AGAIN AND AGAIN. EXPLAIN MYSELF OVER AND OVER, BUT I'M REALLY TIRED OF DOING THIS AND I AM PRETTY SURE I'M CONSISTENT SO YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT ME OR NOT. IF YOU DO THEN ACCEPTING ME AND NOT TAKING WHO AND HOW I AM PERSONALLY WOULD BE A GREAT PLACE TO START. IF I AM NOT WORTHY OF THAT THEN YOU DON'T ACTUALLY CARE FOR ME AND WE SHOULD PROBABLY DISCUSS HOW TO DEAL WITH THAT. MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY I AM GOOD WITH MYSELF. IT IS ONLY MY INABILITY TO BE UNDERSTOOD THAT EATS ME ALIVE. IT IS THIS THAT MAKES BEING ALIVE SO PAINFUL. WHAT I LACK IS MATERIAL AND PHYSICAL TO MOVE FORWARD. OBSTACLES THAT EXHAUSTED ME AGES AGO THAT KEEP COMING AND ALWAYS BACK TO MATERIAL AND PHYSICAL LACKING'S THAT KEEP ME BOUND TO THIS LIMBO AND THIS DESIRE TO ESCAPE IT AT ANY COST. EVEN WHEN I AM NOT FEELING SAD OR STRESSED I AM FULLY AWARE OF WHAT I LACK AND HOW BOUND I AM AND I THINK ABOUT ESCAPE. THIS IS WHY I WANT THERAPY. ONLY FOR THIS ISSUE. I WANT TO LIVE BUT NOT THIS WAY. NOT IN A WORLD THAT WON'T ALLOW ME TO BE ME OR ONE THAT LACKS ANY JOY. OR ONE THAT TRIES TO DICTATE WHAT JOY I AM OR AM NOT ALLOWED TO BE EXPERIENCING, FOR HOW LONG AND IN WHAT WAY. MOMENTS OF CONTENTMENT ARE GIFTS THAT I CHERISH WHETHER THAT BE DRAWING, MUSIC, DANCING, WATCHING A KDRAMA, RAIN, THE SKY AT NIGHT, SILENCE, LAUGHTER, IN AND OUT, WHATEVER IT IS, I CHERISH THE MOMENTS I GET AND BEING JUDGED FOR THAT MAKES ME REALLY NOT WANT TO BOTHER ANYMORE, OR RATHER HAVING NO ONE SEE THAT AS VALUABLE MAKES ME NOT WANT TO BOTHER ANYMORE BECAUSE THAT IS ALL I HAVE RIGHT NOW. IF IT HOLDS NO VALUE AND PEOPLE WANT TO MAKE SURE I KNOW THAT THEN WHAT ELSE IS THERE FOR ME? NOTHING IS THE ANSWER. THERE IS NOTHING ELSE.
I WROTE A LOT. THAT WAS NOT THE PLAN. I GUESS MY LACK OF MEDS IS BRINGING OUT MY WRITING AGAIN. ISN'T IT ODD HOW WHEN MY BRAIN STRUGGLES THE MOST IS WHEN I AM OVERCOME WITH THE MOST NEED FOR EXPRESSION? WAIT. DID THAT MAKE SENSE? WHATEVER. SOMEWHERE IN HERE IT MADE SENSE (IN MY HEAD).

INFJ Traits - “The Protectors”
Positive Traits:

Extremely intuitive
Searchers of hidden meaning
Sensitive and perceptive
Gifted at reading others<< YOU IN TROUBLE! 
Hold strong convictions and beliefs, which they live in accordance with<< STRONG SENSE OF SELF. REMEMBER WHEN PEOPLE USE TO STRIVE FOR THIS??
Will not compromise their ideals
Tend to trust their own instincts (and with good reason) – they are usually right and they usually know it<< HA. DAMN STRAIGHT.
Genuinely warm and affirming by nature<< IF THEY LET US.
Typically gentle and caring
Dedicated to finding/achieving the “perfect relationship”<< UNTIL WE FIGURE OUT PERFECTION IS A LIE AND BORING. STRIVING FOR IT A WASTE OF LIFE.
Usually have good communication skills
Tend to be gifted writers
Take commitments very seriously
Seek lifelong relationships
Have very high expectations of themselves and others
Good listeners
Once they are sure a relationship is over, they are usually able to move on
Deep, complex and intense
Artistic and creative
Strive to create an orderly, systematic outer world for themselves<< SO WE CAN SURVIVE IT. IT'S LIKE A FOREIGN WAR TORN COUNTRY FOR US OUT THERE
Constantly defining and re-defining priorities in life<< IT'S CALLED GROWTH SON. TRY IT SOMETIME!
Put lots of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done<< AND THEY WANT TO LABEL US STUBBORN OR PERFECTIONIST FOR THIS. HA!
Operate on an intuitive, spontaneous basis within their inner world
Intuitively “know” things without being able to pinpoint exactly why and without even a thorough knowledge of the subject at hand<< MOST OF US KNOW THE WHY BECAUSE WE TOOK THE TIME TO BE PRESENT AND PAY ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS EVEN IF WE DIDN'T LOOK LIKE WE WERE DOING THAT. I THINK WE SEEM TO NOT BE PAYING ATTENTION WHEN WE ARE OFTEN THE MOST FOCUSED. IT'S JUST NOT ON WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE EXPECT US TO BE FOCUSING ON.
Extremely insightful about people and situations
Most likely of all types to have “psychic” abilities<< DAMN STRAIGHT
Concerned for others’ feelings and careful not to hurt them
Perfectionists<< WE JUST PREFER TO DO IT ONCE AND DO IT RIGHT IF POSSIBLE
Believe in constant growth and are always looking to improve
Can, in some ways, be easy-going<< IF OTHERS WILL ALLOW IT
Natural nurturer – they make loving parents and are likely to have strong bonds with their children
Devoted to and protective of those they care about
Like to work independently<< BECAUSE PEOPLE SUCK
Rarest of all types


Negative Traits:

Tend to hold back part of themselves – can be secretive
Are often hard to get to know, difficult to understand
May not be good with money
Often not good with handling practical, day-to-day concerns
Tendency to believe they’re always right and dismiss/ignore other peoples’ opinions, even before fully hearing them out< SO NOT TRUE. WE MAKE JUDGMENTS BASED ON WHAT IS PRESENTED TO US. IF SOMEONE DOESN'T PRESENT THEMSELVES HONESTLY OR COMPLETELY THEN WTF DO PEOPLE EXPECT? WE ALL MAKE JUDGMENTS BASED ON WHAT IS PRESENTED TO US. EVERYONE DOES OR CHOICES ARE NEVER MADE.
May be prone to depression
Intensely dislike criticism and conflict – tend to internalize conflict and may react to it with heated, explosive anger<<< THIS IS JUST A TOTAL CONTRADICTION. HOW DO YOU INTERNALIZE YET ATTACK? I THINK WE ACCEPT CRITICISM IF WE FEEL IT IS COMING FROM A PLACE OF KINDNESS OR RESPECT AND WE REJECT IT IF WE FEEL IT IS BEING EXPRESSED OUT OF VINDICATION OR SOME OTHER NEGATIVE EMOTION, BUT THIS IS A NORMAL REACTION TO SUCH THINGS IMO.
May have a hard time leaving an unhealthy relationship
May be highly protective of themselves and overly private, only sharing what they want and when they want to share it
Can be stubborn<< DRIVEN. WE ARE DRIVEN.WE STAND BEHIND WHAT WE BELIEVE UNTIL PROVEN OTHERWISE AND THEN WE ARE HUMBLED. OR AT LEAST I AM.
Rarely at complete peace with themselves – always doubt they are living up to their full potential
Often not good with highly detailed tasks – will either avoid these tasks or go to other extreme and become so enveloped in detail that they lose sight of big picture<< OR WE CREATE A MAP INTERNALLY TO COMPLETE THE TASK IN MANNER THAT IS MOST SUCCESSFUL TO ALL INVOLVED OR THE TASK ITSELF. WE THINK. WE ACTUALLY THINK. SHOCKING RIGHT? 

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