Sunday, February 22, 2015

Bizarre Defects

I must truly be defective because no matter how poorly I am treated I continue to be concerned with these peoples we being. How fucked up is that? Two of the people who hurt me terribly have a birthday in about a week. Actually, the same damn day, go figure. Why do I remember this fact? Why do I care? Why am I compelled to wish one or both a Happy Birthday? Neither of these people would be able to even tell anyone what my birthday is yet I remember theirs. Stupid girl and stupid brain. I really need this space for useful information like Algebra and crap. Anyway, almost all the cruelest people from my life have birthdays in the next month. Try and tell me a persons sign doesn't mean shit and I will point you to the fact that literally almost all my abusers have been Pisces. Oddly, the rest have been fire signs like myself although none have been Aries like me. Leo's and Sag's but no Aries. However, most Aries people I know have been women and they haven't been the best of Aries by any means. 
So, anyway, I wish I could erase these people from my brains map so I wouldn't so foolishly continue to think and have concern for them anymore. This is my point about love. Real love, not the bullshit people think is love nowadays. Once you truly love someone they never fully depart from you. You always love them on some level. You always feel what wasn't tarnished or destroyed. You don't just fully hate a person in a moment. Not someone you actually found a reason to love deeply. That shit just doesn't disappear one day. It stays and haunts you and lingers like stale cigarettes and cat piss in carpet. 

Monday, February 16, 2015

I Have Forgotten

I can not remember what it feels like to be loved
or to love actively.
I don't remember what comfort is anymore.
Or how it feels to laugh.
I feel darkness and pain.
I feel despair
and sometimes I am lucky and I just feel numb.
Those are good moments.
I'm cutting too deep now, which might save me from this hole if I am lucky.
Sooner rather than later I hope.
I just want to sleep until it is over.
And if I could go back to any shitty place in my past then I would go.
No taking a moment to contemplate the decision either.
Everything was better than this dead end and the way it just goes on and on...

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Roger Waters, Van Morrison, The Band - Comfortably Numb

Desperation, Doubt and Dreaming

Do you know what I dreamed about? I went back to live with P and K (the girlfriend). I was basically their maid/servant and although I twitched when I was being told what to do, I was happy to be there and not here anymore... If that doesn't say anything to anyone then I know it isn't worth trying. LOL. I'd go back too. I'd take that kind of belittlement to have freedom and access to hope. In a heartbeat. I know I must be nearing the end of this life because I don't dream about these kinds of things, but I am, so that means something. Like, I am losing touch with reality. Like, my mind is finally cracking irreparably. Like, soon I won't care which place I am committed into because I won't know otherwise anymore. It will also mean that mental health is not about chemical imbalances but the imbalances of the environments that we find ourselves stuck in and their affects on our psyche' and nervous system. I wonder why there is always such a push for meds rather than a push to alter the environments by helping with that rather than paying a fortune for meds that end up causing so much harm in other areas as well. Surely creating a kind hopeful environment would create better and longer lasting results for people like myself. Blah blah blah. No one cares and no one is listening or hearing or giving a fuck... 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Wake The Fuck Up

This is so fucking infuriating and stupid. Suffering is always internal. This is why some people have no tolerance to pain while others can suffer horribly and still function. It's why some people kill themselves because their boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with them while others suffer through horrific abuse and still come out of it capable of loving again. None of it is imaginary though. None of it is worthy of being ignored and devalued. EVERYTHING we feel is internal in origin. People lacking empathy do this because they can't feel this shit as deep as others. Geezuz Christ. Stop believing the bullshit people dish out to make it easier to ignore others pain and suffering. Someday the tables may turn and you will regret believing this shit.