Tuesday, January 27, 2015

A Thought or Apiphany

It has just occurred to me that in all this time, these past near three years now, that I have never dreamed of the obvious. I mean, in the beginning I yelled a lot at P and his girlfriend and I saw J a few times but mostly I dream about nothing of reality.

I never dream about money or a home or even my kids, I don't dream about sex, I do however dream about small kisses once in awhile though.

A few nights ago though I dreamed of two things two nights in a row. First I dreamed of a friend morphed with Ethan Hawke, whose brain I adore (and he isn't too hard on the eyes either), and we did a great deal of just talking. It was lovely. Second dream, I was just wrapped tightly around this boy absorbing the feel of his body heat and skin. Basking in it. It was amazing. These are the things I truly yearn for. I need money and what it can buy, like food and transportation but I yearn for connection.

I dream about human connection. The feel of flesh. The connection of minds. I dream about being viable to someone. I dream about being seen as a real live person with feelings and thoughts that matter. I dream about not being used or abused or shunned.

It's funny how dreams sift through the materialistic shit and leave you with the core of your needs to face.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Slipknot - Snuff [OFFICIAL VIDEO]


"So break yourself against my stones

And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away - you're all the same

Angels lie to keep control...
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know
If you still care, don't ever let me know..."

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Another Fundme for Another Stupid Ass Reason Goes Viral. WTF is Going On Here?

You know, I used to love these feel good underdog stories but IMO this whole Fundme thing has really gone way the fuck off course and it is showing just how fucked up our society really is now.
I'm gonna say it again, potato salad. 
Potato salad, the pizza guy/dealership tip, people who didn't read the fine print on their ap (Uber?)before calling for a ride home after drinking all night and getting billed for $300. 
Where the hell is the compassion for the people who actually NEED HELP? There is none, unless you have pictures of some scary disease or small children. Then you have a small chance. 
>>>>>>What it really amounts to for the actual people in need is the size of their online network and the love and willingness to share of their friends. <<<<< I learned this the hard way. I watched a friend make what amounts to roughly $7000 in the past two months because he has a) a disease he can document b) a huge network, like in the thousands c) a community backed disease d) friends who give a fuck and donate plus share therefore creating an even bigger network. My page is a year old with one single donation and that is from this friend who's raking it in now. On paper he looks and sounds worse off, but in reality he has a family that loves him and will take him in at any moment, but he doesn't want to go home. I would kill for that kind of love and support. He has an entire global community and local community worth of support to back him daily and he has major networks. He is nowhere as bad off as he would make it out to be. He was in a bad way for sure, but not like presented. He had choices. He didn't like them. He did not actually go through all his choices first and then declare total destitution. Some of us have though, and no one seems to blink an eye unless they are out to play some sick game of 'how much can I control you based on how badly you want help.' It's truly sick and fucked up. I finally let go of the people on my page playing this painful game with me. My desperation has hit a bit of a somewhat numb stage. I can keep these sick people around hoping they might actually grow a heart and help or I might get THAT desperate, or I could finally delete them and breath again when I log in to my Facebook page because now I don't have to see their names anymore on that stupid chat list that won't go away, even when chat has been turned off. It had started to become a trigger for the dark-side for me. Those damn names and their damn words trying to manipulate me while actually offering nothing at all. Just the possibility of 'something' 'IF' I could or would do some impossible or illogical task or deed. Not even a small help to show some version of commitment to sticking to their words. Even the fucking mob would show some kind of commitment by a deed, act or handout/loan. For fucks sake. Watch a got damn movie like The Godfather or something. Learn some loyalty and commitment. Grow some fucking balls and a backbone. Dig some integrity and selflessness up. Yes, I really do see these things in the mob mentality and not the new mob mentality but old school. 
Oh, and I love my friend whose page has changed his life. I just don't understand the way peoples minds work anymore. And yes, I am rather jealous as well. I can admit that. I don't have the family or community or social network that he does. I never ever have either. It's rather amazing that even out of school our social standing affects whether we live or die. It's the 'New World' mentality. It sucks. 
Okay. I went like totally off the rails here... back to the original thought... But you know, these days if you have just had a basic life experience or a small life lesson the entire fucking world wants to throw fast easy cash in your face. And people wonder why these generations lack logic, wisdom and a backbone. Maybe it is because we treat life and its basic lessons as reasons for entitlement and or reward. I make a dumb choice and I get love and support, oh! and cash as well. Well isn't that just fucking special. If I was going to be in the shit spot I find myself in at least the universe could have made me a part of one of these other generations. An ounce of compassion would be a nice think these days. 

This is the shit they give you when you are hungry and poor from the 'food bank' where I live. Death in a Box.


I know people don't grasp what I am saying anymore. I get that they think I exaggerate even with proof. I may even sound ungrateful in this post but when this is what I have to survive until mid MARCH because the school is only going to give me aid for part of my classes and the entire check I have been waiting for, thinking I could finally get some food with, is suddenly not even going to cover the required books; I too might be disappointed when I get a food box like this. I mean week old expired food is rather crass but I forget how non-human the needy become or how people expect jubilation for the most minute acts of acknowledgement or aid. I remember so much from being homeless but I forgot about this tid-bit of the poor's struggle. This 'be thankful' to the point of nausea no matter how degrading it may be. Be jubilant even if they bounced the carrot in front of your face for ages before deciding you were either worthy and they followed through finally or you are not worthy and they just dicked out when they got bored of the game. There is so much people will never understand about poverty until they are forced into it.

This is YOGURT. It expired 7 days ago and wasn't even cold when I got it.

That say January 02. 2015 so over 2 weeks past expiration.

NOVEMBER of 2014.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Ryan Adams - Words

If everything you want is something you couldn't have 
Go outside a while, look up and count the clouds
Can you draw a picture of the backyard of the house
You grew up in, can you remember how it smelled?

Don't worry up your mind
People are sick and mean sometimes
They're only words
They're only words

If everybody is grateful, how come nobody's satisfied
If a tree falls in the woods and there ain't no one around
If you heard it you could go over and whittle out a wishing box
You could write her name on something and put it inside

Don't worry up your mind
People are sick and mean sometimes
Don't worry up your mind
They're only words
Its only words
Its only words

Artist: Ryan Adams
Title: Words

Welcome to the Men of My Life and My Mom.

Taken from a Facebook post by 
Escaping the Narcissistic ABUSE
16. The Narcissist is aggressive and shameless. They don't ask. The Narcissist demands. They make outrageous requests and they'll take anything they want if they think they can get away with it. Their demands of their "loved ones" are posed in a very aggressive way, as are their criticisms. They seldom take no for an answer, pushing and arm-twisting and manipulating to get you to give in. <<Damion
17. They push you down, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you can. They never give you a birthday party and grandstand it. Your friends were never welcome in your home. << Paul
They give you tasks that were rightfully theirs. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you are always their emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You are never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences are only for the Narcissist, and you are responsible for making it right for them. From the beginning they would randomly lash out at you any time they are stressed or angry or felt that life was unfair to them, because it makes them feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As time progresses you are assigned responsibility for their emotions. Unloading on you any time something goes wrong for them. << Mom
18. Narcissists are exploitative. They will manipulate to get work, money, or objects they envy or covet. Especially if it makes the look special or good. They may have stolen your identity. If they make an agreement with you, it is violated the minute it no longer served their needs. If you brought it up demanding they adhere to the agreement, they brush you off and later punished you so you would know not to defy them again. << Jason
Sometimes the Narcissist will exploit a partner to absorb punishment that would have been theirs. Sometimes the Narcissist simply emotionally pushes you down into illness to keep a sick marriage intact because the alternative is divorce and the loss of your income. You are sexually molested but the Narcissist never notices, or worse, calls you a liar, or blames you. <<Jason
19. Narcissists project. This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that Narcissists all do. Projection means that they will put their own bad behavior, character and traits on you so they can deny them as their own and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that they can project on to. An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter's weight is projecting. The daughter may not realize it because she has probably internalized an absurdly thin vision of women's weight and so accepts her mother's projection. When the narcissist tells the daughter that she eats too much, needs to exercise more, or has to wear extra-large size clothes, the daughter believes it, even if it isn't true. However, they will sometimes project even though it makes no sense at all. This happens when they feel shamed and needs to put it on you and the projection therefore comes across as being an attack out of the blue. For example: They make an outrageous request, and you casually refuse to let them have their way. They become enraged by your refusal and snarls at you that you'll talk about it when you've calmed down and are no longer hysterical.  << ALL OF THEM
You aren't hysterical at all; but your refusal has made them feel the shame that should have stopped them from making shameless demands in the first place. That's intolerable. They can transfer that shame to you and rationalize away your response: you only refused because you're so unreasonable. Having done that they can reassert their shamelessness and indulge. You'll talk about it again "later" - probably when they've worn you down with histrionics, pouting and the silent treatment so you're more inclined to do what they want. << Paula nd Jason
20. The Narcissists is never wrong about anything. No matter what they've done, and won't ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time they feel they are being made to apologize they will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology they have just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: "I'm sorry you felt that I humiliated you" "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad" "If I did that it was wrong" "I'm sorry, but I there's nothing I can do about it" "I'm sorry I made you feel, stupid and disgusting" "I'm sorry but it was just a joke. You're so over-sensitive" "I'm sorry that my own wife feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad." The last insulting apology is also an example of projection. << Mom and Jason and Damion
21. Narcissist have no awareness that other people even have feelings. They occasionally slip and say something jaw-droppingly callous because of this lack of empathy. It isn't that they don't care at all about other people's feelings, though they don't. It would simply never occur to them to think about their feelings. An absence of empathy is the defining trait of a Narcissist and underlies most of the other traits I have described. Unlike psychopaths, Narcissists do understand right, wrong, and consequences, so they are not ordinarily criminal. They beat you, but not to the point where you went to the hospital. Leave you in hotel alone on your birthday after berating you publicly. <<ALL OF THEM
22. They blame. Narcissist will blame you for everything that isn't right in their life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. Always blaming you for their abuse. You made them do it. If only you weren't so difficult. You upset them so much that they can't think straight. They couldn't function for 2 days. Things were hard for them and your needs pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty. They'll do something egregiously exploitative to you, and when confronted will screech at you that they can't believe you were so selfish as to upset them over such a trivial thing. They will also blame you for your reaction to their selfish, cruel and exploitative behavior. They "can't believe you are so petty, so small, and so childish as to object or complain so much" "I apologized for that already, when are you goung to let it go." "How long are you going to use your dead mother as an excuse?" (The mother passed less the a month prior.) <<Mom and Jason
Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your Narcissistic partne is
Lying. He knows what he did was wrong and he knows your reaction is reasonable.
Manipulating. He's making you look like the bad person for objecting to his cruelties.
Being selfish. He doesn't mind making you feel horrible as long as he gets his own way.
Blaming. He did something wrong, but it's all your fault.
Projecting. His petty, small and childish behavior has become yours.
Putting on a self-pitying drama. He's a martyr who believed the best of you, and you've let him down. <<THEY ALL DO THIS
23. They undermine your relationships: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. They foster desension because they enjoy the control it gives them. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering with your life. Watching people's lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don't have any empathy for their misery. << Mom and Jason
The narcissist nurtures anger, contempt and envy - the most corrosive emotions - to stand up to the narcissist guarantees punishment. In their zest for revenge, the narcissist purposefully creates chaos. ("I can see that nobody here loves me! I'll just go sleep on the streets!") << ALL OF THEM
As a last resort the Narcissist become pathetic. Wallow in self pity and bemoan the injustice. <<PAUL
There is no creature like them. People think surely you are making this up. Or worse, your CRAZY.. Q  <<ALL OF THEM
Note: Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious. While she may never praise you to your face, she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She'll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.
The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

It's Fucking Poetry in Motion

I'm really done with trusting people, even people I have known for ages. They are the ones that seem to do me in the hardest and string me along the longest. They are also the ones who leave me in a far more damaging place than I was in originally because I trusted them and altered my choices based on what they have said or promised. I can't believe that this does not occur to them. That the damage they are causing on top of damage already done. That everyone is so completely detached that they offer things over and over and then they just don't bother to follow through or admit that they are not going to do it anymore. It has cost me financially and emotionally all the trust I have left. Just the sheer number of people who have done this is shocking to me. I would expect one but this is multiple longtime people. People who came to me, not the other way around. People I have done for when I was capable as well. People I love.
My moms new thing is calling US spinsters now. She is right. It's the only thing left that makes sense. Just sit here alone forever and keep people out there where they can do their damage without hurting me anymore. Here is what I know now; the people that are going to help just do it. No prerequisites, no stalling, no Q & A, no sudden 'issues' prolonging weekly until it has become a month or more, no bullshit, they just do it. Like getting an amazing gift out of nowhere, which it is. Thank you to the ones who have done this over the past year. I think you know who you are! You are the gems and the hope. You are the example. If you see yourself in one of my examples then you are probably right about where you fit in and you may want to think about that depending on which side you realize that you fit in on. 
So this time I find myself with no way to get my books, again, before my grant aid, which is never a given, half of what I used to get and absolutely the only way I can find to create some flow of food money if you can consider the 6 weeks between checks 'flow'. I had some of it set aside but people made me offers and I spent it for food. Stupid, stupid trusting girl. These last classes are also ones I will fail, guaranteed, since I am required to test at the college to pass, which we know is impossible. LOL. I have to survive. I need food to do that. Fuck my education. It has been only a source of survival for what? Three years of the four? Yes, that is anger you hear. I wanted an education. I wanted something that was mine. Instead it gets tainted like everything else I touch or attempt to accomplish. Fuck this shit. It's about the money anyway, isn't it. It's always about the money in the fucking end.
So here I am. Essentially, my Mom. Spinster making money the only way she knows how with no one left to trust and big old chip on her already weighed down shoulder... if it wasn't so ugly it would be poetic. I hope everyone that keeps force feeding me the 'write!' food enjoys what my writing has become or maybe always has been. I personally don't enjoy it. Like drawing it went from a source of comfort and an outlet, to a burden. An expectation by others. It isn't mine anymore or it doesn't feel like it is so I can't find any peace in it. Anger, yes. Animosity, yes. Pain, yes. Peace, no. Not anymore.

As an added thought:
Here's the facts. I knew Jason for seven years online- broke my soul. I was with Paul for 14 years- atomic bombed my entire life. I knew Angie for 12 years- shattered my faith in friendship. Robert, I was married to him at one time and I have known him for about 18 years- made me realize that intent is nothing without action and causes the same damage as intending to do harm. Mel, like family for 20 years- I guess the same thing as Robert. Strung along for 6 weeks+ and why? (Mel came through and actually is the only reason you see any posted after this posing date. I would be dead of starvation or my own hand otherwise) Because there is no backbone to tell the truth? Or the intent to help was so strong that selfishly lying to me was easier FOR THEM then admitting an inability to do what they had offered? Leaving me hanging, making plans and spending money on a failed situation or false promise. Promises I only took seriously because THEY approached me. PEOPLE, if you learn NOTHING from my experiences and words at least learn this... YOUR PROMISES AND YOUR OFFERINGS, particularly to those in dire straits, actually mean something. They are not just frivolous words. It is CRUEL to do these things to people. Learn at least this much. I am no saint but if you ask me I will admit my mistakes and I will and have always tried to become better for them as well. To learn something. To make it less of a negative if possible. I just wish I could trust people again. Life isn't worth much alone. I learned that too.

Monday, January 5, 2015

An Open Letter to, “The Survivors.”

An Open Letter to, “The Survivors.”

Don’t be a dick.
Don’t become a hypocrite.
Don’t forget how lost and desperate and dark you once were.
Don’t spread bullshit to the ones who continue to search for their tunnel end.
Don’t be THAT person.
Don’t suddenly decide that you will be a walking, talking, typing, billboard for Pinterest type meme/ posts on survival and a positive attitude. If you were still at all aware of what you had come out of you would not be devaluing other peoples pleas for guidance, advice or options to investigate. You would not have forgotten how painful it was to have people judge your pain, or trivialize your struggle into a few words that essentially equate to, ‘buck it up’ and ‘think positive’ and it will all be peachy in the morning.
You should not be patronizing.
You should be honest in the reality of your survival. You should not deny that you would not be where you are had it not been for someone or many people who took notice or extended a hand.
You should be capable of remembering when it felt like there was no one or, in fact, when there really was no one, and how lonely and bleak it all felt.
You shall not forget that where you are right now is an accumulation of help from others, hard work and dumb luck (or good timing). It could have just as easily been someone else reaping the rewards you are now receiving and you could still be wishing for an end to it all while planning the details of your eminent death.
You have been blessed.
Do not be a prick and piss all over that miracle.
Respect that just because your misery has ended or lessened or that you have FINALLY turned a corner, most others are still crawling on the ground on bloodied knee hoping, praying, pleading for what you now have.
Some people would say that when you were at your darkest point you were also in a place they would have called a blessing compared to their current journey. Remember that.
Someone somewhere is always in a more dreadful situation. This is not a reason or right to devalue another’s struggle though. This is perspective. This is a reason to be particularly thankful for the positive changes you have experienced.
Appreciate your new circumstances, because sometimes just the change or newness is a miracle in itself.
Not everyone will have friends, family, mates, a social network, or a supportive community surrounding them, helping them through the darkness.
Moreover, hope that the universe does not decide that you must be humbled and kicks you back to the place you escaped. Lead by example and do not piss on your good fortune.
Oh yes, and finally yet importantly, your survival does not make you superior in any way whatsoever. You are not suddenly smarter or worthy of looking down on anyone.
Be humble.
Be kind.
Be aware.
Be thoughtful in your words and actions.

And try not to be an asshole.