Saturday, January 10, 2015

It's Fucking Poetry in Motion

I'm really done with trusting people, even people I have known for ages. They are the ones that seem to do me in the hardest and string me along the longest. They are also the ones who leave me in a far more damaging place than I was in originally because I trusted them and altered my choices based on what they have said or promised. I can't believe that this does not occur to them. That the damage they are causing on top of damage already done. That everyone is so completely detached that they offer things over and over and then they just don't bother to follow through or admit that they are not going to do it anymore. It has cost me financially and emotionally all the trust I have left. Just the sheer number of people who have done this is shocking to me. I would expect one but this is multiple longtime people. People who came to me, not the other way around. People I have done for when I was capable as well. People I love.
My moms new thing is calling US spinsters now. She is right. It's the only thing left that makes sense. Just sit here alone forever and keep people out there where they can do their damage without hurting me anymore. Here is what I know now; the people that are going to help just do it. No prerequisites, no stalling, no Q & A, no sudden 'issues' prolonging weekly until it has become a month or more, no bullshit, they just do it. Like getting an amazing gift out of nowhere, which it is. Thank you to the ones who have done this over the past year. I think you know who you are! You are the gems and the hope. You are the example. If you see yourself in one of my examples then you are probably right about where you fit in and you may want to think about that depending on which side you realize that you fit in on. 
So this time I find myself with no way to get my books, again, before my grant aid, which is never a given, half of what I used to get and absolutely the only way I can find to create some flow of food money if you can consider the 6 weeks between checks 'flow'. I had some of it set aside but people made me offers and I spent it for food. Stupid, stupid trusting girl. These last classes are also ones I will fail, guaranteed, since I am required to test at the college to pass, which we know is impossible. LOL. I have to survive. I need food to do that. Fuck my education. It has been only a source of survival for what? Three years of the four? Yes, that is anger you hear. I wanted an education. I wanted something that was mine. Instead it gets tainted like everything else I touch or attempt to accomplish. Fuck this shit. It's about the money anyway, isn't it. It's always about the money in the fucking end.
So here I am. Essentially, my Mom. Spinster making money the only way she knows how with no one left to trust and big old chip on her already weighed down shoulder... if it wasn't so ugly it would be poetic. I hope everyone that keeps force feeding me the 'write!' food enjoys what my writing has become or maybe always has been. I personally don't enjoy it. Like drawing it went from a source of comfort and an outlet, to a burden. An expectation by others. It isn't mine anymore or it doesn't feel like it is so I can't find any peace in it. Anger, yes. Animosity, yes. Pain, yes. Peace, no. Not anymore.

As an added thought:
Here's the facts. I knew Jason for seven years online- broke my soul. I was with Paul for 14 years- atomic bombed my entire life. I knew Angie for 12 years- shattered my faith in friendship. Robert, I was married to him at one time and I have known him for about 18 years- made me realize that intent is nothing without action and causes the same damage as intending to do harm. Mel, like family for 20 years- I guess the same thing as Robert. Strung along for 6 weeks+ and why? (Mel came through and actually is the only reason you see any posted after this posing date. I would be dead of starvation or my own hand otherwise) Because there is no backbone to tell the truth? Or the intent to help was so strong that selfishly lying to me was easier FOR THEM then admitting an inability to do what they had offered? Leaving me hanging, making plans and spending money on a failed situation or false promise. Promises I only took seriously because THEY approached me. PEOPLE, if you learn NOTHING from my experiences and words at least learn this... YOUR PROMISES AND YOUR OFFERINGS, particularly to those in dire straits, actually mean something. They are not just frivolous words. It is CRUEL to do these things to people. Learn at least this much. I am no saint but if you ask me I will admit my mistakes and I will and have always tried to become better for them as well. To learn something. To make it less of a negative if possible. I just wish I could trust people again. Life isn't worth much alone. I learned that too.

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