Monday, September 21, 2015

Miserable Immoral NonBelievers

At least we keep good company. 
For me it is believing in me and others, laughter and sincerity, empathy and logic. More than anything else though, it is refusing to accept to be a sheep and to base all my rights, choices, emotions, reactions, wants and needs on anything outside of me and my truths. I'm a good enough person to fully trust myself to make these decisions and expend my energies on what I believe to be right and worthy. I don't need anyone 'above me' in any form, be it celestial or hierarchical, class or educational, age or gender to lead me. I'll look for the wisdom around me and inside me to choose. I will continue to observe and compare and weigh and dissect and repair, rebuild and tear down again until I feel the depth of truth has been hit... and then I will continue to observe, just in case. 
People are difficult and unique enough to keep an observer busy for many lifetimes. Why we create so much outer conflict and chaos is beyond me. There is so much to occupy us if we just watch and listen.
Yadda yadda... coffee and Adderall have not quite hit yet. It all makes sense to me though and that is what matters.

Sunday, September 20, 2015

The Suicide Theory Official Trailer (2014) - Nicholas G. Cooper Thriller...

Five star movie in my opinion and that was having already figured out most of the story line. It's rare I still like a movie this much if I know the twists (or think I do). I don't know why it is rated a thriller though. I found it to feel more like an independent psychological movie but what do I know?

Oh yeah, and it is streaming on Netflix if you feel like checking it out!

“I have wanted to kill myself a hundred times, but somehow I am still in love with life. This ridiculous weakness is perhaps one of our more stupid melancholy propensities, for is there anything more stupid than to be eager to go on carrying a burden which one would gladly throw away, to loathe one’s very being and yet to hold it fast, to fondle the snake that devours us until it has eaten our hearts away?” 
― Voltaire, Candide: or, Optimism

Monday, September 14, 2015

And That FB Friend is on A Fucking Roll at Pissing Me Off.

My previous post was about this 'FB friend' and his obsession with what I call self-help guru gods or in other words, The Blind leading the sheep as far as their pockets are deep. OK, that was a stupid line but minimal brain function at the  moment and too much pain as well. Plus, I wasn't signed on to the interwebs for more than 2 minutes before I was forced to write the reply that this post is actually about but my A.D.D. brain has once again driven me off course a bit. (Big breath)
So, I told my mom I am moving out. I sent the email like 4 days ago. She read it last night. In true form she has gone into illogical land and decided to be shocked and hurt rather than elated as she has been drilling into me her deep desire for me to (and I quote) 'get the fuck out of her house so she can have her fucking life back and her friends will stop avoiding her and she can enjoy her life that she hates now BECAUSE OF ME.' Unquote, although a mash-up of quotes it is... So before bed I posted this on my FB page and then took a Xanax so I wouldn't lose my shit:

MY POST: I give my mom exactly what she wants and she has the audacity to be 'hurt and shocked'????? WTF?? A true narcissist (narcopath) in action my friends. No way to win. No way to satisfy them. Always being victimized even by the people they control. It's almost comical. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK! Breathe...
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FRIEND likes this.


Your mother is "hurt and shocked" over a gift ?

FRIEND She's always seemed happier with an audience.
Like · Reply · 1 · 7 hrs

FRIEND You can't please everybody, now is the time for you to think of yourself.
Like · Reply · 1 · 6 hrs

It may end up better for your own peace, to forgive your mother. If she has narcissistic tendencies, she may be unaware of it. Your parents can die at any moment.
Like · Reply · 6 hrs · Edited  <<<<<<The Comment that pushed me over the edge this morning AND THE EXACT REASON WHY I choose to be an introverted fucking recluse (not now as now is forced but I'll be good with like 1-5 friends. If that. Fuck this shit)

The 'gift' is that I am moving. I am giving her exactly what she has been drilling into me almost 24/7 as her deepest desire for the past 2 years. And PLEASE, please, stop giving me advice. I haven't known you long enough to have the patience to hear it and I don't do the 'guru doctor' this says, or 'they say to yadda yadda' thing. 
My life. 
My experience and not the easily categorized and labeled life either. 
So again, as I asked you before; no almost begged you, STOP IT. Everyone dies btw (thanks for the attempt to guilt me into accepting the unacceptable). No one should hold more value where that statement is concerned as everyone has some value to someone somewhere but that is no excuse to accept abuse. NO EXCUSE. And if that is what you tell yourself and others then you are accepting your self worth as less than... and that is all you. Not someone else using and abusing you. Parents and relatives ARE NOT specially licensed to abuse. They get no special 'get out of jail' cards giving them free reign to do so without repercussions. The only person that can do that is you. Anyway, I didn't plan on going to sleep to her shit and waking-up to the guilt fest of eminent death but thanks for the wake-up call.

This reply I did post.

The previous reply (on my previous blog post) I never posted on FB because I was attempting to be a kind and empathetic person who would try to 'let it go' a bit but people are like a manufacturing line of the exact same product. They are so god damn predictable that I just want to scream and break things until I accidently cut an artery and bleed the fuck out. Sweet relief. I can count on one hand the number of people with unique minds that interest me that I know. My kids are two of them. That's 40% of the people. 
I have a week and then I can leave here. I'm elated and freaked out and totally losing my shit trying to sit in this fucking room and wait and now I get to dread my mothers eventual explosion too. Well, at least that will make the staring at the walls and tv a bit more enticing. I need coffee... later people. Or person. Or dead air and crickets. 

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Wayne Dyer was just another person. He was not a God. He was just human like everyone else.

A friend on FB posted this quote today. He is a BIG follower of Wayne Dyer (like FOLLOWER in all caps) and I guess he took his death pretty hard but that is beside the point... anyway, he posted this quote today and it seemed to be aimed at me, so I did what I do; I commented on it! I have zero patience anymore for having this discussion with people but on occasion I just can't not have a say. It may have not been aimed at me but my gut seemed to think otherwise. My gut is pretty accurate. I'm just sayin'!

""Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else. Your completeness must be understood by you and experienced in your thoughts as your own personal reality." Wayne Dyer."

Tell that to someone who is literally starving or being abused. I'm not kidding. Life and it's experiences can not be summed up and presented in a pretty and clean box or sentence that makes everyone's heart a flutter with hope and washes away the dirtiness of it. You can not preach 'be strong in YOU!' and such, and in the same breath try to wash away or devalue the facts of some people's reality by basically shaming them for not seeing how they 'have everything they need already! ' Only people who haven't been without, or sheep, can truly support this way of dehumanizing and devaluing the reality of human life. It's funny how they don't do this with animals though. You never see commercials telling animals that they have everything they need while showing film and photos of them starving and/or bloody and beaten and such... isn't that odd? I mean to me it isn't because I know the money machine works by hitting the weak spot in people. It works by convincing these people and their great desire to be saved that if they just FOLLOW... if they just BELIEVE... if they ignore and turn away from anything that rubs against the words being PREACHED (religiously or not)... if it isn't pleasant than let's just devalue it by pretending it can be solved immediately and simply if that person or those people would just do it this way or that... LOL. This frustrates me to no end. The hypocrisy is so alarmingly obvious, and yet people believe what tidies up their little world.  I get that is human behavior but it doesn't have to be if people choose otherwise by opening their eyes and mind to the bigger, messier view. I'm just sayin'!! 

Now I am wavering on posting my reply on his post. He's one of those fragile people that are 'suffering' although they have everything and more to survive comfortably but they lack backbone or internal strength or whatever you want to call the black hole that some people use to excuse everything in their life or to blame everything in their life on. He has done much like my mom has done, except he has gone in search of his guru. Again, looking for someone else to fix him rather than looking inward and finding the tools to heal his own wounds permanently. This whole planet is held together by bandages. It can't hold on forever while leaking from the wounds that never properly healed. Not people nor this planet can be fixed without proper healing. At best we end up with a gimpish (defective) society and a jimmy rigged planet just waiting to crash and burn.
STOP BANDAGING YOUR WOUNDS AND START HEALING THEM INSTEAD!!!! Fuck. How is this not common knowledge? How is this logic, not logical? When did everyone become so drunk on the kool-aid????? 
Even the gif I found to use was from another guru of the past... too funny. 
Too sad. 
Too real, huh?

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

My curse, or my salvation?

Although I have never really thought about this in this context (being conscious of doing this), seeing this post suddenly made me aware of the fact that I do this naturally, as in, like a habit. It's a coping mechanism that creates empathy rather than rage in most cases. Most assholes are hurt, angry or lonely children on the inside. This does not justify bad behavior but it helps to defuse anger in reaction to them and their tactics. 
It may be my curse, or my salvation but I am pretty damn sure it is why I haven't gone out and retaliated or just hurt the people who so completely deserve some form of 'payback' or 'reaction of which I stand up for myself or my value.' Basically, I use my words (here mostly) and only occasionally day dream about my bare hands and normal versions of retaliation. Most times, I really wish I could be the person who values themselves enough to not be so got damn logical and empathetic. But, I wouldn't be me anymore and I still like myself. So fuck'em. 

Found on FB

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Way to ride the hypocrisy train

Damion, dude. 
Way to get down with the hypocrisy! Oh yee who hollers of the lack of integrity in the people surrounding him! Congrats on the new gig reporting on music you claimed to hate and have no knowledge of either. Even better is seeing that you are reporting on bands I grew up with in Orange County specifically, that you poo poo'd when they were just something I enjoyed. I guess now that they are paying your bills and shit you have suddenly 'seen the light?' 
You're two-faced and a sell out. At least you don't challenge or surprise me at all anymore. How embarrassed I am until I realize that at least I got out and stayed out. Some of those other chicks are seriously delusional. You are as transparent as they come and your actual depth is about as deep as your ability to love anyone but yourself. Gawd but you do put on a spectacular show in the first weeks. Thankfully, it didn't take long to see the pattern and the pain and the complete and utter fear your life is driven by, and I pity you but that's about it. 
You're so self-absorbed that even befriending you was impossible without being lied to, used and spit on regularly. You my ex-friend have some serious shit to work out in your past before you have any right to bring anyone into your personal hell. What a sad lonely way to choose to live. 
And thank you, THANK YOU for not contacting me when your last known bullshit story failed as predicted. I have a serious issue with caring about people who don't deserve my time, energy or care, but I think I have finally hit the line that will stop me from continuing to do that. So again, thank you. One less person to worry about. One less person to have to watch my back around. One less person whose bullshit I will pretend to believe while I try to figure out how to help. Some people, no many people just don't have the tools to grow up or the depth to empathize sincerely with anyone else. I've been saved! Hallelujah! 

Saturday, September 5, 2015

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

The Four Types of Friends According to the Buddha

Young man, be aware of these four good-hearted friends: the helper, the friend who endures in good times and bad, the mentor, and the compassionate friend.
The helper can be identified by four things: by protecting you when you are vulnerable, and likewise your wealth, being a refuge when you are afraid, and in various tasks providing double what is requested.
The enduring friend can be identified by four things: by telling you secrets, guarding your own secrets closely, not abandoning you in misfortune, and even dying for you.
The mentor can be identified by four things: by restraining you from wrongdoing, guiding you towards good actions, telling you what you ought to know, and showing you the path to samsaric heavens.
The compassionate friend can be identified by four things: by not rejoicing in your misfortune, delighting in your good fortune, preventing others from speaking ill of you, and encouraging others who praise your good qualities.
 ~ Excerpted from the Sigalovada Sutta
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Flickr - buddha - UggBoyUggGirl

Thursday, September 3, 2015

MY DRUNK KITCHEN: Homemade Rice Crispy Treats!


Tuesday, September 1, 2015

"Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment."

Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment." (see story below)
And then they bitch about crime. Hungry people are desperate people and guess what? Not all people in poverty have little kids. Some of us already took care of our parental responsibility and have kids paying into a system that is letting their parents starve to death. Make sense, right? Ha! On top of that many of us have disabilities but the system is so incredibly screwed that it literally takes YEARS to get through the process only to be denied and have to go through appeals. They're hypocrites. They know the system is so bad that the few ways adults without children have to get food-stamps are not even viable options, so they consciously are letting us starve.
And I am hungry right now, so this really pisses me off to read. Hungry people are also sick, under-productive and REALLY easily pissed off. Malnutrition does not really work well with productivity.

Unemployed People Are Getting Kicked Off Food Stamps

Apparently, not being able to buy food will help "advance their prospects for meaningful employment."

Earlier this year, the Hoosier State notified roughly 50,000 of the state's 836,000 food stamp recipients that they would be getting the boot come October unless they met work requirements set by the 1996 federal welfare reform law. That Gingrichian measure requires childless adults without disabilities to work 20 hours a week in order to qualify for more than three months of food stamp benefits.
Federal regulations let states waive that rule in times of high unemployment, and since 2009 almost every state has done so. But the U.S. Department of Agriculture, which oversees food stamp benefits -- more formally known as the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program -- notified states this year that they would soon lose those waivers thanks to falling unemployment rates.
Ending the waivers would kick about a million people off food stamps by the end of next year, according to a January estimate by Ed Bolen, a policy expert with the liberal Center on Budget and Policy Priorities. He said in an interview this week that Indiana is being more aggressive about the time limit than it needs to be, since states can still apply for limited waivers in areas of high unemployment.
"Indiana is not taking an approach that other states are taking, which is to keep the waiver in parts of the state that are hard hit," Bolen said.
But Jim Gavin, a spokesman for the Indiana Family and Social Services Administration, said that forgoing waivers altogether is better policy.
"We view the establishment of the time limits as an opportunity to help improve the skills of Hoosiers in all parts of the state and advance their prospects for meaningful employment," Gavin said, "while at the same time establishing a pool of better prepared candidates for the Indiana workforce."
Only about 10 percent of the 47 million SNAP recipients nationally were able-bodied adults without dependents in 2013, according to the most recent USDA data. The overall number of recipients has declined slightly since then to roughly 45 million. 
The three-month limit for those not working has also been reinstated this year in Wisconsin and Maine, and soon will in New Mexico. Kansas reimposed it in 2013. Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback (R) and New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez (R) urged other states to follow suit in a Sunday op-ed in The Washington Times.
"We encourage governors not to renew work waivers for able-bodied adults without dependent children who are on food assistance and, instead, help lift millions off of welfare and transition them to meaningful jobs as a result," the governors wrote, citing circumstantial evidence that reimposing the time limit boosted employment in some states.
Food stamp recipients can fulfill the work requirement by finding a job or by participating in activities like job training, though Bolen said most states don't offer programs that would guarantee people those other options if they can't find a job.
HuffPost readers: Affected by a SNAP work requirement in your state? Tell us about it -- email Please include your phone number if you're willing to be interviewed for a story.