Monday, July 28, 2014

keaton henson - f.r.i.e.n.d.s.

What you've managed is to cheapen everything I've done.

And don’t pretend you know what I have been through son.

And these days grievances come creeping through my open door.

I guess that’s what friends are for.

I guess that’s what friends are for.

Can you not leave me alone?

Can you not leave me alone?

Can you not leave me alone? [al]'one.

All I ever really wanted was to stay at home,

Resting in a dirty bed on brittle bones.

But lately I've been feeling like that can’t come true.

In the company of you, in the company of you.

And can you not leave me alone?

Can you not leave me alone?

Can you not leave me alone? [al]'one.

I was once a careless lover.

Now I live most undercover.

Hateful yes, but always sombre.

We might not be here for much longer.

We might not be here for much longer.


Keaton Henson - You

Saturday, July 26, 2014

The Color Oracle. Freaky Accurate and Affirming As Well. Nice to be affirmed.

ME 07/26/2014

You have selected the colors that you currently find most pleasing and most unpleasing. Read the interpretive texts for your selections in the following paragraphs. In the case of some colors, you will find an additional question or suggestion which can help you deal with a subject area in more depth.
Keep in mind that your unconscious plays a major role in the selection of the colors. As it is the case when laying tarot cards, it is inadvisable to repeat the color test too often because otherwise, the quality of the interpretation quickly fades. Take in the texts, and let them work on you, even those you may find somewhat uncomfortable or provocative.
The Color Oracle is a psychological color test developed by the Swiss art instructor, therapist and astrologer Johannes Schneider. Astrodienst also has on offer his "Color Horoscope"- the delineation of the birth chart in combination with psychological color interpretation.
Your General Disposition
At the present time, your behavior is characterized by your need for recognition. You find it important that other people accept and appreciate you and view you as competent. For this reason, you try hard to have everything – including yourself – under control, to know your way around everything and if necessary to take on unpleasant tasks. You believe you have to prove to yourself and others what you are capable of because, at the moment, your sense of self-esteem is fragile.
Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Pleasing
Of great importance to you now is...
...vigorous effort.
You need a task that inspires you and allows you to give your all. If serious demands are made on your abilities or your strengths, you mobilize all your creativity and really stay on the ball in order to prove to yourself and others what you are capable of. If your efforts are acknowledged, you are prepared to do your best. Should someone approach you with unfair demands or, even worse, with outright injustice, however, you resolutely fend them off. At present you are working particularly hard for...
...vigorous self-assertion.
You now want to pull out all the stops in order to achieve what you have planned. Your chances are good because if you feel something is important you are able to show initiative, grab the opportunity spontaneously and act with vigor. You can also display energetic efforts in your personal relationships: if you love or admire someone you are prepared to undertake quite a bit in order to win or hold on to his affection. You utilize a major portion of your powers for...
...crisis-proof existential survival.
You need the comforting certainty of having a solid base in your life. Stable living conditions, adequate income and sensual pleasure and a certain measure of comfort are among your life goals. You want to be secure against the whims of fate and to be able to devote yourself without distraction to the things that give you satisfaction. For this reason, you resolutely apply yourself to the task of creating a crisis-proof existence, despite any obstacles which might appear. The thing you consider very important for your sense of wellbeing is...
...unwavering stability.
Regardless of difficulties, criticism or objections, you are determined not be dissuaded under any circumstances from the things you consider to be right. This strongly driven attitude masks an inner insecurity that probably stems from the fact that your faith in a person you are close to, in people in general or in the justness of fate has been seriously shaken. When you are beset by problems you say to yourself: Don't panic! I can get help from my...
...obtaining sufficient funds.
It is very important to you to have enough money at your disposal so that you can afford whatever you wish to have or do. For this reason, you are currently spending more time thinking about your finances, and you anxiously deliberate on how you could obtain the necessary money. The certainty that you have sufficient funds strengthens your sense of self-worth and helps you to meet other people with confidence. You have unrealistic expectations regarding your...
...optimistic self-encouragement.
Again and again, you consciously adopt a positive inner attitude. This helps you to better stand up under the hardships of the present. You create goals, projects or ideals for yourself that give you a boost and the hope that your life will be better and happier. You search for ways and means which allow you to enjoy life without care and to spend more time devoting yourself to the things that bring you joy.
Interpretation of the Colors You Find Most Unpleasant
At the moment you feel most anxious due to your...
...gruelling test of nerves.
Your sense of wellbeing is negatively affected by stressful circumstances. You often feel misunderstood, unfairly treated or left at the mercy of the unacceptable behavior of a person who is important to you. You don't want to let on that you are aggravated by this, and you keep your irritation to yourself. Inside you, though, the accumulated resentment strains your nerves. For this reason, you are not very emotionally resilient at this time. You assume an air of exaggerated superiority despite your...
...distressing relationship problems.
At the moment, you are more aware of your personal needs, worries and problems, and this makes contact with others more difficult. Your relationship difficulties make you all the sadder because, under the current conditions, you need loving attention more than usual. It would be easier for you to get what you need if you were better able to put yourself in the other person's shoes. You inwardly sigh over your...
...exhaustingly stressful situation.
The difficulties you are presently forced to deal with sometimes cause you distress and tax your energies. Instead of altering or leaving this situation, you heroically attempt to hold on and to act as if nothing were bothering you. In this way, you overextend yourself and become the victim of your own ambitious need to prove how strong you are. Your momentum has faded considerably due to your...
...burdensome situation of suffering.
You believe people should behave correctly, considerately and kindly towards you so that your interactions run pleasantly and without friction. Since this is frequently not the case, you often become indignant over their incorrect behavior and views or their lack of kindness. You easily get the feeling of being someone's innocent victim and believe you have every right to be outraged. You also suffer quite a bit due to your...
...frustrating situation.
You are in an unpleasant situation that hinders you from doing the things that are in line with your inclinations and needs. You find this all the more frustrating because you basically believe that someone who plays an important role in your life is to be blamed for your unfortunate situation. With this belief, you create a comfortable position for yourself and stand in the way of improving your circumstances. You try in vain not to let yourself be impaired by your...
...painful sense of loneliness.
Your need for loving company and tender physical contact is not being satisfied in the measure you would like. Your hunger for warm-hearted attention drives you to seek contact. Although you hold close association with a few people, when the interaction is over, you often feel lonely and left to your own devices. It saddens you to find so little understanding and responsiveness towards your needs and difficulties.
The Color Oracle
This Color Oracle is a psychological color test developed by the Swiss astrologer and art instructor Johannes Schneider. During several decades of research and practice, he investigated the effect of color on the psyche. He first published his findings on these effects under the name "Color-O-Scope" which included 25 small colored wooden plaques for use in selecting the colors.
The online version available here utilizes the same hues as the original product. The method of color selection is also identical. Since the representation of the colors is dependent on the color fidelity of the display screen in use, slight deviations in color may nonetheless occur, and Astrodienst has no control over this.
Until further notice the Color Oracle will be offered to visitors free of charge. You will also find on this website another horoscope interpretation by the same author which is based on astrology and psychology, the "Color Horoscope" by Johannes Schneider.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Can you feel the heat too?

I wanted to die.
I did not want to die.
I wanted the struggle,
The pain,
The disappointment
And the loneliness
To end
I wanted to believe that it would.
I wanted to have faith that someone decent would acknowledge my pain
And me
And the massive loss that I experienced, and continued to experience
Every moment
Of every second
Of every
No one noticed.
There was no knight in shining armor
Faithful friend.
No one to express any emotion to
Or with.
And certainly
No one offering a hand to hold
Or a path to follow.
There was
Quite frankly
Not much more
Than immense disappointment
At the human race,
At the universe.
At the deities
And all the other powers that might be.
 So I cut.
And I sliced.
And I fought the echo that said,
“Do it.”
“Cut it open”
“Sliced it to shreds.”
“End it.”
“Make it stop.”
“Do it.”
“DO it.”
“DO IT!”
So I shake
And I rattle
And I roll
And cry like nothing I have ever known.
And I remember my promise
To try
To fight this too
As long as I can.
I am always aware
That it is
Waiting for me
To accept the inevitable.
To just let go.
To stop fighting.
To stop surviving.
To just
And when it has passed
And has become
A distant buzz
For now
I look up and read
If I am going to be alive,
I might as well
Be incredible…
And that
Makes me laugh
Because I am incredibly sad
Incredibly lonely
Incredibly tired
Of this incredibly
This incredibly ugly world
Were the true suffer
And the false are awarded
No matter how badly disguised
They continue to collect
The beautiful things
That so many of us
Yearn for
And so many others
I wanted to die.
I did not want to die.
I wanted the struggle,
The pain,
The disappointment
And the loneliness
To end
I wanted to believe that it would.

Monday, July 14, 2014

On the Rare Better Days...

"Last Hope"- PARAMORE

I don't even know myself at all
I thought I would be happy by now
The more I try to push it
I realize – gotta let go of control

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
So let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

Every night I try my best to dream
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing is changed

But it will happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to
It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore
And the blood in these veins isn't pumping any less than it ever has
And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know that's keeping me alive


Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen
Gotta let it happen

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing

It's just a spark
But it's enough to keep me going
(So if I keep my eyes closed, with the blind hope)
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing



Sunday, July 6, 2014

That Ain't Love

Here is an email I received from my mother today. Below it you will find my reply that I have not sent because when you have nowhere to go and nothing else to survive you may as well be in a fucking cell waiting to die. You have no voice. No right to express yourself or even to protect yourself from others attacks. It's truly an ugly way to live...

Michele val has decided that she wants to sue her landlord and wants me to come and talk to her but I not going until tomorrow. I wanted to know who she should contact because I just know whats wrong and illegal but not who to call. Also I don't think she wants to sue that means a lawyer etc in any case . Anyway could u send over that info for me. Also that garbage in the hall was to go in the trash it smells whats wrong with u are u so lazy u cant dump your garbage. I am not doing all this stuff any more and you are going to start cooking in the kitchen if u want to cook. The other frig is getting turned off and I don't want any cooking anywhere but in the kitchen and also I want that vent in your room opened and your window closed when the air is on. If u r cold go outside but I want the window closed and the air vent open. I have been paying almost 100 a month more than last year in electric and last year I used the air all day every day and my bill was 161.00 this month it was 267.00 I have ha a higher bill every month that u guys have been here and its getting worse . I believe all your toaster oven slow cooker coffee pot and the little frig are causing much of it. Also all the different things u have hooked up for your tv I don't have the money to pay anymore of these bills. And if u don't want to go by my rules than find somewhere else to go . I didn't sign on for 2 adults without jobs to move in forever. I can not do this anymore I want my house back and that's the way it has to be. I am sorry and I love u but its been 2 weeks short of 8 months and the 2 of u r here all the time 24/7 never come outside never offer to help me with the yard or anything else to compensate for not paying rent or utilities I don't get any satisfaction out u being here and not doing anything except taking up space in my house. I don't get conversation I don't get anything out of this except that I am being used and I am used up. U should be outside in the fresh air doing something but u re determined to just stay in there. Well not any more . I will sell this house and then what will u do? U better do something fast because I have done way more than I ever had planned on doing. U have no intentions of working and u r ruining camerons life by keeping him stuck here because he cant drive u shold have gotten him a drivers license 10 years ago.U should be working not living off his unemployment and living here. Whats he going to do when u die and he cant drive or get a job. It looks to me as though without him u r fucked and u are fucking him up by doing this to him. I still cant believe u let him quit his job as though I wanted 2 grown adults without any money to move in on me . U are not a stupid person and u both would never have gotten in the door if not for the fact u r my family but that only goes so far and I just don't care anymore about anything except my life which sucks.

And here is the reply that I want so badly to send as I have kept my voice quite almost completely thus far, and it is killing me.

A. I didn't plan on being here past March. I have no control over the horrendous run of bad fucking luck I have encountered while being here. It amazes how lacking and downright cold you are to that fact. Losing my food stamps and my financial aid plus it taking almost 3 months for Camerons unemployment to finally go through really fucked us hard and there was no way to know it beforehand. Thanks for all the understanding. 
B. Don't ask me for a favor and then rip me a thousand new holes. It lacks tact.

C. Your electric bills were in the 170's before we arrived and went up $40 after. I have given you every extra penny I have had even though I could have used that for food I still did it. It hasn't been much but it's more than you gave us when you lived with us for a year and 4 months. We don't use the air. It isn't for us, and you don't run it for us. As for the cooking, you are the one who forced me to use that damn kitchen area and YOU set the god damn thing up. And as usual you blame me for it. I am so sick of being your fucking 'at fault' go to person. Ever since grandpa died it seems everything is my fault no matter how insane the issue may be. 

D. I have had the goddamn vent open for a week. And I freeze my ass off most of the time. I know you don't give a fuck but its fact. 
I leave my window open because this room is like a cell or a cage and having it closed makes me want to explode in anxiety. So sorry that it puts you out.

E. Cameron and I have applied for all the job openings out here 2 and 3 times. It isn't our fault that this place is a fucking hell hole of doom. EVERYONE is applying for the jobs here (all three of the places hiring, actually two and one that says they are in the paper but actually are not). And Cameron has been working in yards to pay his bills and I am selling stuff to cover the difference, so stop fucking talking shit about my son. I am sick of it. 

F. And we don't do anything for you because no one but you can do anything right. If I vacuum you revacuum. If I wash the towels you rewash them. NOTHING I DO SATISFIES YOU. NOTHING. If I tell you no I don't want something or need something you do it anyway and them fucking blame me later for YOUR choice to do it. You amaze me. 

G. I don't converse with  you because you have this amazing way of finding a way to jab and make stabs no matter what the topic may be. My life is shit. I don't need you to remind me of it every god damn time I talk to you. And I am perfectly aware that you are struggling but guess what? So are we. I don't bitch at you about it every time I see you, but I listen to you when you go off on me or bitch about Val doing exactly what you do to me. And I say nothing. 

H. Cameron has no unemployment. It ended last month. He doesn't drive because my car is so fucking illegal we can't risk him driving it. And all your talking shit about letting me use the truck to teach him was just that, shit. And in the past it is none of your business as to why he didn't drive. I did not force him to come here. He chose to come. And every god damn minute I regret his choice. Every damn second I want to die for him being here and dealing with shit. EVERY SECOND. And I should add here... WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT ME TO DRIVE? WAS IT YOU? HELL THE FUCK NO. YOU HAD CHECKED THE FUCKED OUT AGAIN BY THAT TIME.  I TAUGHT MYSELF AND THEN BOB'S DAD FINISHED IT OFF. So stop fucking finger pointing like you were some goddamn epic parent. You weren't. I have plenty of other people to back that shit up. Friends AND their parents. None of this would mean anything if you didn't fucking just have to put yourself on that pedestal you alone built. I don't KNOW where you think you were when I was growing up but it sure as shit wasn't where I was...  and I got past almost all of that and you just have to dig it all up again and again. You're sick you know that? You can't appreciate that I let most of that go and still let you in my life. Hell no. You have to fucking drudge it all up and rewrite the story to appease your total fantasy of what life is and was. You and Paul are the two most unhappy people I have ever known in my entire life and you both do that same damn thing. You rewrite what happened to kid yourself into believing you are a victim or the martyr. And where has it gotten you both? Nowhere. You are both still the most unhappy people ever. Well, except for me now. You have managed to take me down too. Maybe I should leave you an award for that? I am sure you have plenty of satisfaction knowing that. It has been your end goal all along anyway. To make me break. To make me miserable. To make me pay for loving you. Bravo!

I. Bob said he would take Cameron when summer ends and his wifes kids leave the house. At that point I will go live in my car or kill myself. The later sounds like the best option and I am planning it now. So that should help you to feel better. You will never have to see nor hear from me again. It can be as if I never existed. You should like that. I just wonder who you will blame when I am gone. 

J. I just want to thank you for all your heartfelt support and how much you have had my back through all the shit Paul put me through and all the shit that came later as well. It has been truly lovely to have so much support and care. If only that was true. If only you just once felt what I have gone through and lost and have been forced to bow down to. Particularly the year and half I took so much degrading shit to avoid ending up here. I knew it would be bad, but you have shown me a new level of heartlessness and hypocrisy. God. I would kill to have a paid off home and a check coming in every month and a car to drive and all the choices you have. Sadly, all you see is the mess you make and have always made and never how you choose and create it all. I spent my entire life trying to do the right thing. I didn't drink. I didn't do drugs. I never partied, ever. I have never once been in trouble. I was a fucking ace child. I have been a hands on parent since I was 21 years old. I have brought up two amazing kids that I could never ever express my pride in. I have gone back to school in my 40's and been an honor roll student for 3 out of my 4 years. And still I ended up just like you. Alone. Angry and doomed. You have no fucking idea how it feels to know that I have barely lived and I am already at the end of it all. At least you got to party most of your life and be selfish by making choices you wanted rather than what was best for your child. Beyond being a parent my entire life has been for nothing. And you have quite successfully reminded of this every single chance you have gotten. Thanks for that. 

K. And if we had a way to leave right this second we would go. Period. If we had a vehicle Cameron would have a job in Temecula, but we don't. We can barely get food and you don't give a fuck about that either. You know, I know a lot and I mean A LOT of parents whose kids are living with them. Most of them pay for their kids food, clean up after them, do their laundry, watch their kids, pay their bills and their kids use their stuff, steal from them and bring people into their homes. You have no idea how fucking decent you have it even if it isn't a great situation. I don't eat your food, leave messes in your kitchen, use your living room, bring people over, steal from you or even borrow money from you. I help when I can and I do what you allow me to do, even when I know you will remind how I am doing it wrong. I am horrified by the way you villainize me. Just fucking horrified. Pam was horrified by the things you were screaming at her about me. I am horrified by the things you tell Joanne. Telling her you are going to sell the house to get away from us as if we want to be here. As if I don't spend every second trying to figure out how the fuck to get away from here. As if I chose to be stuck here past March. As if I knew I would end up in the fucking hole of hell. I had no idea. NONE. I had no plan nor desire to be here past march, actually no desire to be here at all but I was stuck. Period. And we did it for you when you were stuck. I wasn't happy about it but we did it for you. And I took shit all the way around the entire time. From Paul, the kids the neighbors and the goddamn city. I have piles of notices from the city from when you were with us. Did I abuse you for it? No. Did we kick you out for it? No. Did it help to really fucking begin to destroy my relationship that was already on shaky ground. Yes, it did. You will never ever know how much shit I took for you. How much shit I have taken most of my life. You don't care and you never will. You never have truly grasped love. Your idea of love is so fucking warped it is amazing that you have survived this long. You love money and you love having someone to blame. That isn't love. You are a narcissist. Classic, textbook. 

L. And if you are so fucked why the hell do you buy wigs and $100 phones? Why the fuck do you feel the need to tell me these things? I don't want to know. It just makes all your blaming on me even more infuriating. And btw, I am sure the people that had to take over the parenting of me because you were too busy with your fucked up men to bother would have plenty to say to you as well. So bitching at me about the kind of parent I have been is just fucking rich. Seriously. It amazes me that you think you are above everyone else when you have been far less many many times in life. I can't figure out how I can still love you. I struggle with that. It makes no sense. You hate me. You talk down to me and you make it your lot in life to make sure I know it yet I have love for you. Of course, there it is. There. It. Is. The way I ended up here in this shit life situation. Having love for those that didn't love me back. Caring for those that only cared about their own needs and desire with no care about how those things would destroy me. There is definitely a pattern in my life and it all starts with you and it all ends with you. It's quite fitting that I will most likely die in this room trying to escape the inescapable. God I hope in death I am not forced to relive any of this. I have had lifetimes of it. People won't even come near me anymore. I am plagued by everything they fear. Everything they try not to see. Everything they know could happen to them. It's really horrible. To have no love from parents, no siblings or relatives that love me and only my two kids who I can't even enjoy time with anymore. People I adore that I will be leaving in this cold fucked up world just to get away from you and your never ending need to remind me of my uselessness and failures. Maybe someday you will take a good hard look at your own and realize there is, was, and always will be, more than just you in this world. And love and friendships are based on a mutual respect and consideration of one anothers needs given with love not given to build an damn arsonal for later use as a weapon. You have always been really excellent at that. Ask any of the people who have known you. You are quite the storage unit of 'you owe me's' and 'I deserves'. No one owes you anything. No one owes me anything. That doesn't mean it isn't decent and kind and loving to give something anyway. If you actually care then you extend when you can and you only ask when you need and take when it is truly needed and so forth. And you don't fucking hold it over everyones head. 

So, I will be gone as soon as Cameron leaves for Bobs. Late August I hope. I wish with every fiber in my being it was sooner. I am ready to go. I struggle to stay, but I stay for him and for Ryann. When he is gone I will be too. If I get my hands on money that I don't need to eat or pay Camerons bills I will give it to you but I have nothing and I have had nothing for months. I have sold my own things to pay for Camerons phone this month. I will sell more to eat and pay for gas to get to food. If there is anything left its yours. I won't need anything once he is gone. Hopefully I will have gotten rid of all the shit I have left except for what I am leaving for Cameron and Ryann. So I actually am doing something but doing something up here is like being on a fucking hamster wheel. You go go go and you get fucking nowhere. 

If that isn't enough for you then oh well. I can only do what I can do, and that isn't much these days... hold on. I will only be here 8 weeks or so more and then you are free...

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Just... Be You.

“ You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting.”
― T.H. White, The Once and Future King