That Ain't Love

Here is an email I received from my mother today. Below it you will find my reply that I have not sent because when you have nowhere to go and nothing else to survive you may as well be in a fucking cell waiting to die. You have no voice. No right to express yourself or even to protect yourself from others attacks. It's truly an ugly way to live...

Michele val has decided that she wants to sue her landlord and wants me to come and talk to her but I not going until tomorrow. I wanted to know who she should contact because I just know whats wrong and illegal but not who to call. Also I don't think she wants to sue that means a lawyer etc in any case . Anyway could u send over that info for me. Also that garbage in the hall was to go in the trash it smells whats wrong with u are u so lazy u cant dump your garbage. I am not doing all this stuff any more and you are going to start cooking in the kitchen if u want to cook. The other frig is getting turned off and I don't want any cooking anywhere but in the kitchen and also I want that vent in your room opened and your window closed when the air is on. If u r cold go outside but I want the window closed and the air vent open. I have been paying almost 100 a month more than last year in electric and last year I used the air all day every day and my bill was 161.00 this month it was 267.00 I have ha a higher bill every month that u guys have been here and its getting worse . I believe all your toaster oven slow cooker coffee pot and the little frig are causing much of it. Also all the different things u have hooked up for your tv I don't have the money to pay anymore of these bills. And if u don't want to go by my rules than find somewhere else to go . I didn't sign on for 2 adults without jobs to move in forever. I can not do this anymore I want my house back and that's the way it has to be. I am sorry and I love u but its been 2 weeks short of 8 months and the 2 of u r here all the time 24/7 never come outside never offer to help me with the yard or anything else to compensate for not paying rent or utilities I don't get any satisfaction out u being here and not doing anything except taking up space in my house. I don't get conversation I don't get anything out of this except that I am being used and I am used up. U should be outside in the fresh air doing something but u re determined to just stay in there. Well not any more . I will sell this house and then what will u do? U better do something fast because I have done way more than I ever had planned on doing. U have no intentions of working and u r ruining camerons life by keeping him stuck here because he cant drive u shold have gotten him a drivers license 10 years ago.U should be working not living off his unemployment and living here. Whats he going to do when u die and he cant drive or get a job. It looks to me as though without him u r fucked and u are fucking him up by doing this to him. I still cant believe u let him quit his job as though I wanted 2 grown adults without any money to move in on me . U are not a stupid person and u both would never have gotten in the door if not for the fact u r my family but that only goes so far and I just don't care anymore about anything except my life which sucks.

And here is the reply that I want so badly to send as I have kept my voice quite almost completely thus far, and it is killing me.

A. I didn't plan on being here past March. I have no control over the horrendous run of bad fucking luck I have encountered while being here. It amazes how lacking and downright cold you are to that fact. Losing my food stamps and my financial aid plus it taking almost 3 months for Camerons unemployment to finally go through really fucked us hard and there was no way to know it beforehand. Thanks for all the understanding. 

 

B. Don't ask me for a favor and then rip me a thousand new holes. It lacks tact.

C. Your electric bills were in the 170's before we arrived and went up $40 after. I have given you every extra penny I have had even though I could have used that for food I still did it. It hasn't been much but it's more than you gave us when you lived with us for a year and 4 months. We don't use the air. It isn't for us, and you don't run it for us. As for the cooking, you are the one who forced me to use that damn kitchen area and YOU set the god damn thing up. And as usual you blame me for it. I am so sick of being your fucking 'at fault' go to person. Ever since grandpa died it seems everything is my fault no matter how insane the issue may be. 

D. I have had the goddamn vent open for a week. And I freeze my ass off most of the time. I know you don't give a fuck but its fact. 

I leave my window open because this room is like a cell or a cage and having it closed makes me want to explode in anxiety. So sorry that it puts you out.

E. Cameron and I have applied for all the job openings out here 2 and 3 times. It isn't our fault that this place is a fucking hell hole of doom. EVERYONE is applying for the jobs here (all three of the places hiring, actually two and one that says they are in the paper but actually are not). And Cameron has been working in yards to pay his bills and I am selling stuff to cover the difference, so stop fucking talking shit about my son. I am sick of it. 

F. And we don't do anything for you because no one but you can do anything right. If I vacuum you revacuum. If I wash the towels you rewash them. NOTHING I DO SATISFIES YOU. NOTHING. If I tell you no I don't want something or need something you do it anyway and them fucking blame me later for YOUR choice to do it. You amaze me. 

G. I don't converse with  you because you have this amazing way of finding a way to jab and make stabs no matter what the topic may be. My life is shit. I don't need you to remind me of it every god damn time I talk to you. And I am perfectly aware that you are struggling but guess what? So are we. I don't bitch at you about it every time I see you, but I listen to you when you go off on me or bitch about Val doing exactly what you do to me. And I say nothing. 

H. Cameron has no unemployment. It ended last month. He doesn't drive because my car is so fucking illegal we can't risk him driving it. And all your talking shit about letting me use the truck to teach him was just that, shit. And in the past it is none of your business as to why he didn't drive. I did not force him to come here. He chose to come. And every god damn minute I regret his choice. Every damn second I want to die for him being here and dealing with shit. EVERY SECOND. And I should add here... WHO THE FUCK TAUGHT ME TO DRIVE? WAS IT YOU? HELL THE FUCK NO. YOU HAD CHECKED THE FUCKED OUT AGAIN BY THAT TIME.  I TAUGHT MYSELF AND THEN BOB'S DAD FINISHED IT OFF. So stop fucking finger pointing like you were some goddamn epic parent. You weren't. I have plenty of other people to back that shit up. Friends AND their parents. None of this would mean anything if you didn't fucking just have to put yourself on that pedestal you alone built. I don't KNOW where you think you were when I was growing up but it sure as shit wasn't where I was...  and I got past almost all of that and you just have to dig it all up again and again. You're sick you know that? You can't appreciate that I let most of that go and still let you in my life. Hell no. You have to fucking drudge it all up and rewrite the story to appease your total fantasy of what life is and was. You and Paul are the two most unhappy people I have ever known in my entire life and you both do that same damn thing. You rewrite what happened to kid yourself into believing you are a victim or the martyr. And where has it gotten you both? Nowhere. You are both still the most unhappy people ever. Well, except for me now. You have managed to take me down too. Maybe I should leave you an award for that? I am sure you have plenty of satisfaction knowing that. It has been your end goal all along anyway. To make me break. To make me miserable. To make me pay for loving you. Bravo!

I. Bob said he would take Cameron when summer ends and his wifes kids leave the house. At that point I will go live in my car or kill myself. The later sounds like the best option and I am planning it now. So that should help you to feel better. You will never have to see nor hear from me again. It can be as if I never existed. You should like that. I just wonder who you will blame when I am gone. 

J. I just want to thank you for all your heartfelt support and how much you have had my back through all the shit Paul put me through and all the shit that came later as well. It has been truly lovely to have so much support and care. If only that was true. If only you just once felt what I have gone through and lost and have been forced to bow down to. Particularly the year and half I took so much degrading shit to avoid ending up here. I knew it would be bad, but you have shown me a new level of heartlessness and hypocrisy. God. I would kill to have a paid off home and a check coming in every month and a car to drive and all the choices you have. Sadly, all you see is the mess you make and have always made and never how you choose and create it all. I spent my entire life trying to do the right thing. I didn't drink. I didn't do drugs. I never partied, ever. I have never once been in trouble. I was a fucking ace child. I have been a hands on parent since I was 21 years old. I have brought up two amazing kids that I could never ever express my pride in. I have gone back to school in my 40's and been an honor roll student for 3 out of my 4 years. And still I ended up just like you. Alone. Angry and doomed. You have no fucking idea how it feels to know that I have barely lived and I am already at the end of it all. At least you got to party most of your life and be selfish by making choices you wanted rather than what was best for your child. Beyond being a parent my entire life has been for nothing. And you have quite successfully reminded of this every single chance you have gotten. Thanks for that. 

K. And if we had a way to leave right this second we would go. Period. If we had a vehicle Cameron would have a job in Temecula, but we don't. We can barely get food and you don't give a fuck about that either. You know, I know a lot and I mean A LOT of parents whose kids are living with them. Most of them pay for their kids food, clean up after them, do their laundry, watch their kids, pay their bills and their kids use their stuff, steal from them and bring people into their homes. You have no idea how fucking decent you have it even if it isn't a great situation. I don't eat your food, leave messes in your kitchen, use your living room, bring people over, steal from you or even borrow money from you. I help when I can and I do what you allow me to do, even when I know you will remind how I am doing it wrong. I am horrified by the way you villainize me. Just fucking horrified. Pam was horrified by the things you were screaming at her about me. I am horrified by the things you tell Joanne. Telling her you are going to sell the house to get away from us as if we want to be here. As if I don't spend every second trying to figure out how the fuck to get away from here. As if I chose to be stuck here past March. As if I knew I would end up in the fucking hole of hell. I had no idea. NONE. I had no plan nor desire to be here past march, actually no desire to be here at all but I was stuck. Period. And we did it for you when you were stuck. I wasn't happy about it but we did it for you. And I took shit all the way around the entire time. From Paul, the kids the neighbors and the goddamn city. I have piles of notices from the city from when you were with us. Did I abuse you for it? No. Did we kick you out for it? No. Did it help to really fucking begin to destroy my relationship that was already on shaky ground. Yes, it did. You will never ever know how much shit I took for you. How much shit I have taken most of my life. You don't care and you never will. You never have truly grasped love. Your idea of love is so fucking warped it is amazing that you have survived this long. You love money and you love having someone to blame. That isn't love. You are a narcissist. Classic, textbook. 

L. And if you are so fucked why the hell do you buy wigs and $100 phones? Why the fuck do you feel the need to tell me these things? I don't want to know. It just makes all your blaming on me even more infuriating. And btw, I am sure the people that had to take over the parenting of me because you were too busy with your fucked up men to bother would have plenty to say to you as well. So bitching at me about the kind of parent I have been is just fucking rich. Seriously. It amazes me that you think you are above everyone else when you have been far less many many times in life. I can't figure out how I can still love you. I struggle with that. It makes no sense. You hate me. You talk down to me and you make it your lot in life to make sure I know it yet I have love for you. Of course, there it is. There. It. Is. The way I ended up here in this shit life situation. Having love for those that didn't love me back. Caring for those that only cared about their own needs and desire with no care about how those things would destroy me. There is definitely a pattern in my life and it all starts with you and it all ends with you. It's quite fitting that I will most likely die in this room trying to escape the inescapable. God I hope in death I am not forced to relive any of this. I have had lifetimes of it. People won't even come near me anymore. I am plagued by everything they fear. Everything they try not to see. Everything they know could happen to them. It's really horrible. To have no love from parents, no siblings or relatives that love me and only my two kids who I can't even enjoy time with anymore. People I adore that I will be leaving in this cold fucked up world just to get away from you and your never ending need to remind me of my uselessness and failures. Maybe someday you will take a good hard look at your own and realize there is, was, and always will be, more than just you in this world. And love and friendships are based on a mutual respect and consideration of one anothers needs given with love not given to build an damn arsonal for later use as a weapon. You have always been really excellent at that. Ask any of the people who have known you. You are quite the storage unit of 'you owe me's' and 'I deserves'. No one owes you anything. No one owes me anything. That doesn't mean it isn't decent and kind and loving to give something anyway. If you actually care then you extend when you can and you only ask when you need and take when it is truly needed and so forth. And you don't fucking hold it over everyones head. 

So, I will be gone as soon as Cameron leaves for Bobs. Late August I hope. I wish with every fiber in my being it was sooner. I am ready to go. I struggle to stay, but I stay for him and for Ryann. When he is gone I will be too. If I get my hands on money that I don't need to eat or pay Camerons bills I will give it to you but I have nothing and I have had nothing for months. I have sold my own things to pay for Camerons phone this month. I will sell more to eat and pay for gas to get to food. If there is anything left its yours. I won't need anything once he is gone. Hopefully I will have gotten rid of all the shit I have left except for what I am leaving for Cameron and Ryann. So I actually am doing something but doing something up here is like being on a fucking hamster wheel. You go go go and you get fucking nowhere. 

If that isn't enough for you then oh well. I can only do what I can do, and that isn't much these days... hold on. I will only be here 8 weeks or so more and then you are free...