Friday, July 25, 2014

Can you feel the heat too?

I wanted to die.
I did not want to die.
I wanted the struggle,
The pain,
The disappointment
And the loneliness
To end
I wanted to believe that it would.
I wanted to have faith that someone decent would acknowledge my pain
And me
And the massive loss that I experienced, and continued to experience
Every moment
Of every second
Of every
Single
Day.
Nevertheless,
No one noticed.
There was no knight in shining armor
Or
Faithful friend.
No one to express any emotion to
Or with.
And certainly
No one offering a hand to hold
Or a path to follow.
There was
Quite frankly
Not much more
Than immense disappointment
At the human race,
At the universe.
Disappointment
At the deities
And all the other powers that might be.
 So I cut.
And I sliced.
And I fought the echo that said,
“Do it.”
“Cut it open”
“Sliced it to shreds.”
“End it.”
“Make it stop.”
“Finally.”
“Do it.”
“DO it.”
“DO IT!”
So I shake
And I rattle
And I roll
And cry like nothing I have ever known.
And I remember my promise
To try
To fight this too
As long as I can.
But
I am always aware
That it is
right
there.
Waiting for me
To accept the inevitable.
To just let go.
To stop fighting.
To stop surviving.
To just
Let
Go.
LET.
GO.
And when it has passed
And has become
Just
A distant buzz
For now
I look up and read
If I am going to be alive,
Then
I might as well
Be incredible…
And that
Makes me laugh
Because I am incredibly sad
Incredibly lonely
Incredibly tired
Of this incredibly
Vacant
“Life”
This incredibly ugly world
Were the true suffer
And the false are awarded
No matter how badly disguised
They continue to collect
The beautiful things
That so many of us
Yearn for
And so many others
Dismiss.
I wanted to die.
I did not want to die.
I wanted the struggle,
The pain,
The disappointment
And the loneliness
To end
I wanted to believe that it would.


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