Saturday, May 24, 2014

santa-barbara-shooter-elliot-rodgers-six-dead-ucsb-campus THIS IS A NARCISSIST BEHIND THE MASK

THIS is a narcissist. Watch it. Learn it. Run away from it. Even with the level of cheesiness you can see here, they are dead serious and deadly. If you live with one, run as fast as you can as soon as you can. It took me forever to get away and I won't ever be the same. So you just go if you can get away, and don't look back. If you can't get away try to find help. Please. 

"Attorney Shifman said the Rodger family called police several weeks ago after being alarmed by YouTube videos "regarding suicide and the killing of people" that Elliot Rodger had been posting.

Police interviewed Elliot Rodger and found him to be a "perfectly polite, kind and wonderful human," but noted that he had few friends and no girlfriend, he added. Police did not find a history of guns."

Monday, May 19, 2014

You're all becoming cannibals because you are too scared to fight back; to expose yourself as human.

Someone told me that my "life is too screwed up to even have online friends." OUCH. That hurt, and pissed me off. Particularly since I gave a few very clear outs near the beginning of our interactions. This is another theme I am seeing in my life path.

No matter how open, clear, fully disclosed I am with people, they never take the out during the safe zone. They wait. They wait until they know they have made some form of connection, and then they severe it or do something horrible, unforgivable to destroy it. Is control really that important today? Or should I say, 'false control?' Yes, they have actively affected my life, but a) in a pitiful, sad, pathetic way and b) I still have the power to make choices and decisions. They might be choices or decisions based on a few really crappy options, but they are still mine.

Anyway. This person disappointed me. Hell. Almost everyone disappoints me these days; myself included.

It really wasn't that long ago that the world was filled with people who made groups of friends that they could trust and lean on. They made a damn television show based on the concept, for gawds sake. I think it was one of the longest running sitcoms at some point as well. I could be wrong. What I am not wrong on though is the transformation in the world.

This new way of life isn't a positive. It is leading to mob mentality, savage and angry, overstressed groups of people just trying to make sense of it all. Extremists. Hungry, poor, exhausted people who might finally have access the healthcare they so badly needed, but still can't afford the gas or upkeep on a vehicle to get to it. Food we can't afford to buy or allow ourselves to think about the risk we are taking by eating it in the first place. A place where growing a garden or your own food is a crime as is being homeless, poor, sick, needy.

This my friends is the bigger picture of control. This is the parent leading by example. This is what everyone should be focusing their control issues on... our government, state and other political arenas. Instead we have become cannibals.

Eating each other alive.

Grasping for survival.

No mercy.

No humanity.

Everyone for themselves.


Friday, May 16, 2014

I've Been Looking For This my Entire Life

The Opposite of Loneliness

I have only found it momentarily in the family I created and then lost. And now I find myself again searching for the opposite of loneliness....

Synchronistic Moments- My Life is Filled with them

Synchronistic Moments

"Synchronistic moments feel like grace, as they induce in us the feeling that we are right where we are supposed to be. Being numinous, synchronicities have a strong feeling component and emotional charge, which is both an expression of while simultaneously flowing into, influencing and altering the surrounding field of consciousness. A manifestation of the field as a whole, synchronicities are a field phenomenon, and to receive their full blessing we need to relate to them as such. Synchronicities are a reflection of the deeper, underlying nonlocal field of consciousness waking up to itself through us. The gift of synchronicity cannot be realized from the point of view which imagines we exist as a separate person who is “other” than the field in which we are arising. Jung and his patient’s shared synchronistic event was a living experience of being connected to something greater than themselves. Synchronicities are acute outbreaks of the archetypal, collective mind-field crystallized into our personal sphere through the third-dimensional medium of time and space."

So does this mean that I am right where I should be? What does it lead to? Will I live to see the day it all comes together or will it kill me in the process? Oh the conundrum. 

Thursday, May 15, 2014


Killswitch Engage - In Due Time [OFFICIAL VIDEO] (With lyrics)

"In Due Time"

Pacing aimlessly,

With my mind in unrest

Unsure of what may come.

What have I done to bring this down on me? 

Helpless to make this undone

All in due time, see the world through different eyes.

All in due time, the shadows will give way to light.

How much more can I give of myself,

as these walls close in on me? 

As I slip down into this despair

(into this despair),

There is nothing to attain

What victory

(what victory)

When my soul is weak,

(is weak)

where does my help come from? 

All in due time, see the world through different eyes.

I see the world through different eyes.

All in due time, shadows will give way, give way to light.

All that we suffer through leads to determination.

The trials we all go through gives us the strength to carry on.

Something within us burns, desire feeds the will to live. 

A reason to believe I will see redemption.

All in due time, see the world through different eyes

I see the world through different eyes

All in due time, the shadows will give way to light.

All in due time.

Friday, May 9, 2014


Andy Rooney's thoughts on women over forty, Do you agree with him? It's all true, except the friends being trustworthy one!

Andy Rooney's thoughts on women over forty, Do you agree with him?:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think.

If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting.

A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing.

Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated.

A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her. <<< Well, this one is wrong. Most middle-aged women, right now, in this particular place in the world, are doing what men do; hiding behind a mask to be someone else they wish they could be but don' want to risk or work to be that person. So she can't really trust anyone fully, but the blow to the system when she finds out is far less shocking than when she was younger and jaded.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know.

A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Blah Blah Blah= Update

I imagine a day when I can come to this place and write about all the great things happening in my life and around me. For now, just more shit. 

We just figured out that my sons unemployment ends June 15th. Uh yeah, it would be lovely if they bothered to put that date on his stubs rather than the end date. The end date is what we thought was, well, the end date for his UE benefits. It isn't. The real end date is at 26 weeks, not the date on every single damn stub. For all the useless crap they have typed on the useless stubs, since it is all online these days, you would think they might consider THAT date the REAL end date, to be important enough to put there as well. Just another fucked up part of the illogically run system. Not shocking but again, another hit for the people just trying to survive. 

So, no more food, gas, paying of bills or well anything after June 15th if something doesn't happen between now and then that is not another baseball bat to the head and gut. Our run of bad luck and bad circumstances seems to have no end. I don't have cancer, so that is a plus, but I have shingles. Um, k. Aren't shingles suppose to be like, the most painful thing? If these are shingles then I have the no pain kind, which doesn't exist but you know, I'm lucky that way or possibly, it isn't what the clinic thinks it is. LOL! Time will tell, or kill me while I wait. If I am lucky. Oh! And my B-12 is almost non-existent, so weekly shots for that. They say that might be part of this depression issue, and that any nerve damage from it is not repairable. WOOT. Am I the only one seeing the awesome way I am totally fucked but there is that tiny little 'it could be worse' thing there to make me feel like an asshole for being more aware of the huge bad part rather than the tiny, could be worse part? If you put all those tiny bits of good together it wouldn't even touch the big pile of bad. So it is a little difficult to focus on that when there is so much life threatening shit happening to us. So yeah. Think positive and all that shit. Sure. No problem. 

On the plus side, the Circle-K up here is hiring. On the bad side, as soon as we found that out my car started to die off and on and my brakes are sounding horrible and both front tires seem to be losing air, along with the power steering leak issue, the catalytic convertor issue and of course the 2012 tags and no registration at all for this year due to the lack of funds to pay it and the 7 months of late fees so far... thats the sound of me, sighing, heavily. I miss my old, fucked up, loveless, miserable life. The one with a mate and home and such, not the one I have now. To be clear. I forget what human touch feels like, and having someone, anyone to interact with about anything beyond money issues and our sorry life. I suppose that is why I come here. If only my blog had warm hands...

I want to write about the one positive here, but I can't. If I do, as per some contract written somewhere in the universe, it will all go to immediate shit, and I need what little I can hold onto, so I wish I could share but they just won't let me. The universes contract writers seem to think I am some huge asshole who needs a neverending reminder. I don't. I see it. I get it. I would love a break in the eternal gain of cosmic wisdom via struggle and pain. Plus, I could use the time to free up some space in the old noggin'. It's on overflow at this point so it's all going to waste anyway. Anyone listening out there? No. I am aware that, like this blog, there is no one paying attention to my dribble. Bummer.

So! We eat for 5 more weeks! See? I can focus on the good momentarily. Ha ha ha. Sarcastic me. 

Friday, May 2, 2014

Generation Gap

I believe that these quotes might explain the gap between my generation and my mothers. One generation believes that the more you physically do, and the bigger the strain on the body, the more worthy a person you are. The other understands that no matter how many boulders you drag around, or how pleasing to the eye you manage to make them that you will not manifest the money to pay your bills or mend the emotional damage you have caused. That your sins are not abolished because you make your body ache or your fingers bleed. On the other-hand, being frozen in fear, racking my brain for answers or solutions while being terrified of actually making any move at all, isn't fixing anything either. The idea of being exposed to another hit or another deceitful broken person or being at the mercy of anything/anyone else makes my heart race and everything else turn to ice.

I found this quote here:

Tim Ferriss - 4HourWorkweek