Sunday, May 31, 2015
Friday, May 29, 2015
I think I share too much information with people when I connect. Probably, because I almost never get to interact with other humans anymore. That and my life is well, my life and it's impossible to make sense of it without any information. A lot of information. Sigh. I'm hopeless. It's hopeless. Amazing how I was once such a strong and confidant person. I don't think I used to scare people away. I don't know. It's been like 16 years since I knew that girl. I hope she's well wherever she went...
I miss her.
I miss her.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
I wish daily that what I feel emotionally and physically (chronic pain) was visible. I think I would rather walk around looking scary but being understood and cared for than having no one give a shit because I 'look fine' on the outside. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I cut is to create SOMETHING that can be seen. What I have figured out though is that with all the damage I have done to my left arm not a single person has EVER acknowledged it, including doctors. It's rather mind boggling. I can't figure out if I am really THAT irrelevant or if the entire world is actually that lacking in the thing that makes me reach out to those in need, whatever that is in me. (This was a FB comment I made and realized how deeply I meant it, so I had to share it here. No idea what the point is but I am compelled to do it.)
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
I call this one "Neener Neener." It makes me smile...
So, I've been at this attempt to find a place to go or get a running car for ages and ages now. I spent all morning researching monasteries and communes, again. I am not religious but if I had to pick one it would be Buddhism or Hinduism. I didn't find anything that I could get to or qualify for since longterm stays almost always require 'visitation' previously, and that ain't possible. I almost had a live-in opportunity but my lack of transportation made the interviewing impossible. We Skyped, but they wanted a face to face, as expected, and of course, that requires a vehicle and a big chunk of gas money, which I don't have anyway. I tried though. I almost thought it was going to work out but my mom would only let me use the truck if I did it while following her down the hill to smog her car. This means careful planning since the person interviewing me was going to meet me in the nearest city, which is 35 miles away. He refused to schedule an actual date and time and since I have to borrow the truck and also have to know that my mom will be ready to leave at whatever time as well, it all became ridiculous. I don't even know why he bothered to interview me and interact if he was going to not be capable of scheduling a specific time and day. He did however text me at 8:16 am and say if I replied before 8:30 am he could meet me at 10 am. Well, how the hell am I suppose to manage that? A) I'm in bed sleeping, so I am not dressed or ready, particularly for an interview, B) my mom is asleep as well, and C) he knows I don't have a car at will and D) I have to drive a 35 mile distance on rural two lane roads. That means it takes me a lot longer to get anywhere than jumping on the freeway or driving multi-lane roads. Ultimately, I have given up on that prospect. He seemed to be purposely making it impossible for me even when he was fully aware of the circumstances. What kind of boss would this person be then? And maybe it is my age or all the damage recently, but how does it not at all seem to be taken into consideration that I am a female taking the great risk of moving into someone who is a complete strangers home? Do these people not realize that they too are being interviewed? Anyway, the bleakness becomes ever bleaker. And no one really cares, do they? It's truly the ME generation, or shall I say generationS, plural.