Sunday, December 28, 2014

What Possessions I Cherish Most Question. Basically, I just need this noted for future reference.

My kids but they are humans so 'possession' is a bit much. I guess the photos of my kids lives. 8mm videos holding the sounds of their young voices and untarnished dreams. The 'was' of life's possessions.  <<< I have to work something off of this. I can feel it pulling but it takes SO MUCH more these days without my A.D.D. meds to overcome all the obstacles to even begin really writing anything anymore. Someday I hope to not think about food for days at a time. Same with death, escape, loneliness, pain, boredom, suffocation, revenge. The last one is new for me in any real sense. Anyway, I need this noted. I still hold hope somewhere deep in my psyche I guess. 

Friday, December 26, 2014

Dr. George Simon interviewing a classic Narcissist.

This is what dealing with my mother, and my ex's P, D and J was/is like. It amazes me that these are the people I attract considering my communication abilities and my high level of logic. Of course, it is most likely my empathy that dooms me to attract these lovely specimens. 
ENJOY
Dr. George Simon is the preeminent expert on manipulative aggressive personality disorders and how to deal with those who have them!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In last week’s post, I illustrated some of the cardinal features of malignant narcissism through a case example excerpted from my book The Judas Syndrome.
Today’s example comes from one of the therapy vignettes featured in the last chapter (chapter 7) of my book Character Disturbance. It’s a fairly lengthy vignette but it illustrates so many aspects of narcissism so well that I’m reproducing it all except for some minor edits (for brevity’s sake), and I hope the discussion about the vignette itself as well as my commentary will provide folks with a sufficient understanding of the problems ego-inflation in the extreme can cause.
Although I didn’t give him a name in the book, for the sake of discussion, we’ll call the person in the following vignette “Tom.” He was referred to me by another therapist for evaluation and recommendations about a treatment plan. I’ve highlighted in boldface and italicized certain parts of my interchange with him to aid in the discussion. Here’s how it went:
CLIENT: Hey, how’s it goin’ George? Well, today’s the day, huh? The big shrink’s gonna tell me what he thinks (smirks).
THERAPIST: As I promised you last time, I am going to share with you my opinion about what I see as a problem. And I’ll give you some suggestions about what you would need to work on in therapy. Then, I will give your therapist a copy of my report.
CLIENT: Well, what’s the verdict, doc? You’re a doctor of what…philosophy…. psychology? Is that like a real doctor, or what?
Evelyn's Comment: Notice Tom trying to cut the Doctor down and to diminish his credentials!
THERAPIST: As we talked about the first time, I’m a psychologist. I’m not a medical doctor. All of my training is in psychology. My area of specialty is personality and character. As we have discussed this at length before, perhaps we’d better get on with my assessment.
CLIENT: Go ahead. Shoot.
THERAPIST: I think that, for you to have fewer of the kinds of problems you’ve been having, and in order to be a better person in general, you need to make some changes in the kind of person you are – some basic changes in your personality. At your age, that won’t be easy, but I think that’s what you’ll need to do.
CLIENT: What about my personality?
THERAPIST: Mostly, you lack good “brakes.” Also, you tend to think too much of yourself, and you tend to pay too little heed to others in your life and their needs.
Evelyn's Comment: Notice the Doctor has identified three (3) issues Tom needs to work on!
CLIENT: I’m not sure what you mean, bad brakes.
Evelyn's Comment : NoticeTom only questions the issue with the "bad Brakes" but does not have an issue with thinking too much of himself or paying little heed to others in his life and their needs!
THERAPIST: I think you understand that when you want something, or want to do something, you don’t hesitate or stop and think about it first. In fact, you don’t stop at all. You don’t back-up, back-off, or give-in when you should. You’re in full-throttle mode in the very times you really need to be thinking about applying the brakes.
CLIENT: And you can tell all this after just a couple of visits?
THERAPIST: As we discussed earlier, I consider much more than just our visits, which is why I’ve consulted with your therapist, interviewed some of your family, looked at your history, and given you some tests. I’ve also made some important observations about the kinds of attitudes you display and behaviors you exhibit. I consider my opinion accurate.
CLIENT: Even if no one else has ever told me that before? Dr. Brady thinks I probably have depression. But you think I’m just a bad person. So, he’s wrong and you’re right, huh?
THERAPIST: I can’t speak for anyone else. I’m giving you my opinion. And, of course, you didn’t hear me say you were a bad person. I said you’re a person with poor brakes. I meant exactly what I said.
CLIENT: Dr. Brady says my anger is a symptom of depression. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe all I need is a pill.
THERAPIST: Anger can indeed be a sign of depression, especially when it is out of character for the person. But I’ve carefully reviewed your history. There were many times when you were on a mission of sorts – taking no prisoners – fighting hard to get what you wanted – and you weren’t angry at all. Many times, when you showed anger, it seemed more to intimidate those who opposed you – a tactic as opposed to a genuine feeling. You seemed to do whatever you had to do to get what you wanted without care for whom you hurt, and you ended up losing in some way. If you had put on the brakes, you might have really won. Then you got upset because you’d made a mess of things. How long have you had a problem putting on the brakes?
CLIENT: I just don’t see how you could be so sure after just meeting me. You don’t really know anything about me. I mean, you’re saying some pretty heavy things here. Besides, I like me. Lot’s of people like me. They love me at work, and I do great at my job. Make good money. But you tell me I’m all messed up.
Evelyn's Comment: Notice how Tom tries to change the subject and get off topic and manipulate himself out of what he perceives as criticism even though he is being evaluated that he has a problem. He tries to turn it around and insult the Doctor!
THERAPIST: You ask how I can be so sure. I think you would know better than anyone else whether any of what I have said to you makes sense. And, of course, you know that I’m not suggesting you need to change everything about yourself. What I am saying is that, as an aggressive personality, you have to learn when and when not to pull out the stops, and when and when not to put on the brakes. You also need to get a more balanced sense of self-worth. It seems to have really riled you that anyone might have accurately assessed your character. You actually helped confirm most of my hunches when you started out this session using the tactic of leveling; that is, trying to intimidate me by subtly denigrating my credentials, trying to throw me on the defensive. I think you need to stop all the very destructive behavior that I outlined for you on the worksheets I gave you, and which I’m sending to your therapist as well. If you don’t work on correcting those things, you’ll keep hurting people and making a mess of your relationships. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. And you can start by doing some things differently, right here and right now.
Now, my question to you, if you remember, is how long you’ve had this problem…. I mean, with your brakes.
Client: My whole life.
Narcissists hate to think anyone “has their number,” so to speak. People who always see themselves as superior to others hate to see the field of “play” (i.e. social interaction) leveled.
They especially hate it when someone else in is a position of greater power or authority. “Tom” got really riled that I had the audacity to think I had him pegged. And he used just about every tactic I mention in In Sheep’s Clothing to reverse the “position” he was in (e.g., he uses the tactic of “leveling” by calling me by my first name, subtly demeans me with the innuendos about me not being a “real” doctor, etc., engaging in COVERT INTIMIDATION to put me on the defensive, etc.).
And there’s something else really interesting: he didn’t get upset and pretty much let it slide completely by when I said I thought he thought too much of himself and didn’t think enough about others.
He didn’t even get upset when I said it was his personality that was the problem. Rather, he got rankled at the notion of having defective “brakes.”
Although I didn’t mention anything about this in the book, there’s an interesting explanation for that. You see, Tom never minded others seeing him as somewhat overconfident or even haughty, nor did he care that much about whether others had a problem with him and the way he was (as attested to in his self-statements about his liking of the person he is).
He also didn’t see a problem with his “me first and everybody else should be able to fend themselves” attitude, either. But Tom always liked to think of himself as a person in total control (despite ample evidence in his history to the contrary). So it irked him that someone would call attention to his lack of inhibition over his impulses or his “defective” mental “brakes.”
Tom’s opening statement – the first thing he said when he entered my office and sat down – also illustrates a key point about aggressive personalities: the fight for position was already on and had begun even before he got there.
It was my job to hold position, without being sucked into a verbal and relational donnybrook, backed defensively into a corner, or being run over. I probably didn’t do a perfect job. But I thought the case was illuminating on this point anyway.
... But one thing I simply must point out is the axiom I’ve mentioned time and time again about encounters with character-impaired people whether or not those encounters occur within a formal therapeutic context: change, if it is to ever actually take place, ALWAYS occurs in the here-and-now.
After all the back and forth power-jockeying, impression-managing, manipulation, and game-playing, once sufficiently cornered and overwhelmed by the evidence of his lifelong problem and served notice that he could change how he operates if only he would make the choice to do so at any given moment, Tom finally does evidence some change.
He does this when he admits what I’ve said all along is a problem (i.e. when he says the problem with his “brakes” has been there “all my life”).
Now, of course, this is probably more of an instance of assent as opposed to genuine surrender.
But it’s a start. And as counter-intuitive as it seems, it’s really important to recognize the value of that small step in the right direction because it’s something that can be built upon.
And the process of re-building a severely impaired character is an arduous one that always has to start small.
I also want to make the point that the main reason I put this particular vignette in the book is because it illustrates so clearly just how differently potentially therapeutic encounters must be conducted when someone has a personality or character disturbance. No focus whatsoever on the ancillary and purely symptomatic features that might accompany the personality disturbance. Rather, a focus on the core “dynamics” of the dysfunctional “style.”
It’s the person’s interaction “style” itself that is the the problem, so that’s where the attention should be. And when elements of that style are accepted as dysfunctional and corrected, everything else gets better.
I can’t count the numbers (well into the hundreds and thousands) of times that exasperated folks have shown up at my office having repeatedly attempted therapeutic interventions to absolutely no avail because the real culprit responsible for all their distress (i.e. someone’s character) was never really confronted or dealt with.
Hopefully the readers will see a lot else here that looks familiar, resonates with them, and calls to mind other important principles I’ve mentioned in other posts on narcissism and character disturbance.
I’m really anxious to see the discussion on this one.
Share and Enjoy.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Americas Next Top Model- Vote For Michale Wilson!





This is one of my dearest friends son. PLEASE like his YouTube video. It's literally just one click. Pass it on as well! He comes from a long line of survivors and I can attest to his claims in this video as well as ones he does not mention. He is truly a fighter in the best manner of speaking!! He deserves it and he holds a very special place in my heart, so do it for me if for no other reason!! Please!!

Using People as Gap Fillers is Not Love

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Didion

I suppose almost everyone who writes is afflicted some of the time by the suspicion that nobody out there is listening ~Joan Didion

Monday, November 10, 2014

Tick Tock

Someday this will be all that is left of me. All these technology based footprints and nothing else. I find that really sad. All the human connections lost before the life ends means that this will be it for a lot of people.  People who figured it out and stopped letting anyone in anymore because it just wasn't worth the pain and disappointment. There is barely any good with the bad. The bullshit is doled out almost immediately and people like me see it now. I see it. I see it everywhere and it kills me. Not even a break in the stream to make me think there might be a purpose to putting up with it. There isn't. We should be feeding one another not sucking each other dry. And there is a lot of sucking going on in the world today and the hunger is killing me as I have nothing left to give and no reason to pretend anymore that anyone gives a damn except for their own selfish reasons. When all the people like myself have gone it's going to be a bloodbath on this planet. A real fucking shit fest... At least I won't have to watch it happen. 

Laughing Is What Stands Between Death and Survival: Please help me relocate.

Laughing Is What Stands Between Death and Survival: Please help me relocate.: I just want to get out of here. I can go to North Carolina but I have to rent a small moving truck or a car because I have no vehicle. It...

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Monday, October 13, 2014

A Mothers Love: Does Anything Else Compare?

She buys me food, like say a jar of peanut butter, and then the first time I use it and the next day I am confronted with a writhing , ranting, drunk screaming about how I am stealing her food. Weird, since I still had the little list I wrote for her with peanut butter on it that she made me rewrite before she left for the store. Conveniently she didn't remember that, like my entire youth of events that she brought upon my life, so easily forgotten and pushed aside. Wow. Just wow.

I go from being able to borrow the car to go the 70 mile round trip to the nearest grocery store to having to drive the illegal and barely running car, to not being able to do either since it blew a tire the last trip (almost 6 weeks ago) and now is on a spare, and she doesn't care at all that I am living off candy bars from Circle-K because of it. Nope, no control issues happening here. No bizarre vindictive shit being enacted here. It would be nice to know why though. beyond the fact that an old man divided up a trust in a way she didn't like almost two decades ago. Of course I had nothing to do with that choice but I sure as shit am paying for it. Did I write about how she told me she "Hates my fucking guts," because of this trust thing from decades ago? Yeah, that was like 5 days ago. Not the first time she has said it but kudos to her on trying to make Mother of the fucking year... in hell.

Then she turns the dial on the mini fridge to 3 or basically off when I just spent $50 on milk and food that needs to be cold (at Circle-K), (bought just a few hours before since the request to use the truck to go buy real food was met with the "I hate your fucking guts" fight), then she rants and raves about how she did not do it and then tells me to 'get the fuck out! Now,' AGAIN, and when I yell back that "I am moving 3000 miles away," within just a few hours she admits to changing the cold dial, but of course there is a really stupid excuse connected to the reason and 'it was an accident' and not at all another vindictive move to hurt and control me. So now I am trying to muster enough courage to drive my disaster mobile and get some semi real food for a kings ransom somewhere up here... gawd I hate this place.

When I sent my son away to my daughters fathers house, because there was no money and not enough food to feed us both for another 15 days she doesn't even notice he is gone. It was 8 full days before I TOLD HER he was gone. Then she cries like it pains her in some way and says how 'if she only knew' which she did because I had said several times that we had no money and were not able to buy any food, but you know, that is beside the point. SMH. Anyway, she acts all semi-motherly, and even tries to tell me how she loves me (Mkay.) and she offers to let me drive the truck to the post office and the mini-market (but for cat food for her because she has yet to let me drive the truck anywhere for any reason unless there is something being done for her), oh and she loans me $20 (the ONLY time in this 10 months I have borrowed any money at all I might add) and while I am gone for that 20 minutes or so what do you think she is doing? Come on guess... she's going into my sons room. She's doing exactly what she is always bragging that she would never do, invading our privacy by going in our rooms while we are gone. It literally took her what? An hour? To get me out of the house from the time she found out my son was gone, and to get her nosey ass in his room. When I got back from the store she was all pissed off and bitchy again like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde kind of switcheroo and I didn't know why until I figured out that she had used the time I was gone to go in my sons room. Sometimes the level of low just blows me away....

So now I am going almost 3000 miles away to get out of here and I am still stumped as to how I am going to eat while I prep for the move, buy the things I need to make the move, and hell, I don't even know how the fuck to get to the airport. There is no mass transit of any kind here. None. No cabs, buses, carpool transportation thingies, shuttles. NOTHING. This place is like the Twilight Zone of reality. Nothing makes sense here and every opportunity to get out or do anything is met with another huge roadblock. It's the oddest most mind scrambling thing I have ever experienced, and that is saying a lot because I have seen and lived through a few lifetimes of fucked up....

Wish me luck.

As an added thought of the day:

I swear I am in some black void of the universe. Is nothing doable? Oy. Is anyone sane anymore? Who knew that being cheated on and lied to could destroy a life and then push it into a whole alternate reality of void? Who knew? Seriously. I think I may be insane and possibly sitting in a padded room and I just don't know it. Maybe none of this is real at all. Maybe this is hell or purgatory or some place where nothing moves forward. OMG. Maybe I killed Paul and they locked my insane ass up and all THIS has been some medically induced state to control me. There are so many maybe's when you stop trying to figure things out sanly or with logic. Once you let logic go the possibilities become limitless. Pretty damn scary. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

If you care and want to help I will forever be in your debt!

If anyone wants to help me please donate by clicking the button to the right. It's through PayPal. I have to get out of here. I just enough to buy a used vehicle. That is what is standing between life and death for me right now. Just a cheap reliable vehicle. Something to live in. Something to get to a job in. We have no mass transit at all and everything is 30+ miles away in any direction. But I am on the edge and truly believe I am going to jump. Please? Anything?

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Twilight Zone Anyone?

So, I know I sound bent and dramatic in my posts and this is because life turned to complete shit a little over two years ago and has continually gotten bleaker and more unbearable every day since. What I am here to write about though is not me but my best and oldest mate Michael. I have known him for 34 years. We took completely different paths but somehow find ourselves in exactly the same shoes; planning our deaths since it has become impossible to survive anymore. Let me make a clear point, no matter the mindset or belief system or how 'positive' one forces themselves to be, a lack of food will at some point kill a person. Worrying about such a basic need 24/7 is almost as bad as the prospect of starving to death and I know starvation from my past. So I wanted to point out that I am not some freak but a white middle age educated female who can not survive and my best friend is a white middle age educated male and he can't survive either. Now I suppose I should add for the naysayers that I have only seen my friend one time in the past 30 years and that was almost a decade ago. So no, we have not had anything at all to do with one anothers demise. I guess we both just lucky. Ha. I'd ask for prayers of all forms but I'm pretty sure there is nothing good left out there.

Friday, September 12, 2014

Sometimes Our Profiles Say It All And I Don't Want To Go Without Being Heard.

MY PROFILE:
Dinosauria, We~
Born like this
Into this
As the chalk faces smile
As Mrs. Death laughs
As the elevators break
As political landscapes dissolve
As the supermarket bag boy holds a college degree
As the oily fish spit out their oily prey
As the sun is masked
We are
Born like this
Into this
Into these carefully mad wars
Into the sight of broken factory windows of emptiness
Into bars where people no longer speak to each other
Into fist fights that end as shootings and knifings
Born into this
Into hospitals which are so expensive that it’s cheaper to die
Into lawyers who charge so much it’s cheaper to plead guilty
Into a country where the jails are full and the madhouses closed
Into a place where the masses elevate fools into rich heroes
Born into this
Walking and living through this
Dying because of this
Muted because of this
Castrated
Debauched
Disinherited
Because of this
Fooled by this
Used by this
Pissed on by this
Made crazy and sick by this
Made violent
Made inhuman
By this
The heart is blackened
The fingers reach for the throat
The gun
The knife
The bomb
The fingers reach toward an unresponsive god
The fingers reach for the bottle
The pill
The powder
We are born into this sorrowful deadliness
We are born into a government 60 years in debt
That soon will be unable to even pay the interest on that debt
And the banks will burn
Money will be useless
There will be open and unpunished murder in the streets
It will be guns and roving mobs
Land will be useless
Food will become a diminishing return
Nuclear power will be taken over by the many
Explosions will continually shake the earth
Radiated robot men will stalk each other
The rich and the chosen will watch from space platforms
Dante’s Inferno will be made to look like a children’s playground
The sun will not be seen and it will always be night
Trees will die
All vegetation will die
Radiated men will eat the flesh of radiated men
The sea will be poisoned
The lakes and rivers will vanish
Rain will be the new gold
The rotting bodies of men and animals will stink in the dark wind
The last few survivors will be overtaken by new and hideous diseases
And the space platforms will be destroyed by attrition
The petering out of supplies
The natural effect of general decay
And there will be the most beautiful silence never heard
Born out of that.
The sun still hidden there
Awaiting the next chapter.
~BUKOWSKI

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away."
George Eliot
WORD.

Yeah, laughing is what stands between death and survival.
(I think I am going to have this tattooed on me next!)

"...I do not want a stranger--unsympathizing, alien, different from me; I want my kindred: those with whom I have full fellow-feeling." 'Jane Eyre' on marriage.

“I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” ― Joan Didion

The laughing heart (Tom Waits reads a Charles Bukowski poem) http://youtu.be/bHOHi5ueo0A

Tom Waits reads Nirvana by Charles Bukowski
http://youtu.be/W-vdPkESLZs
Bukowski rocks.
Pablo Neruda rocks as well....

If you are looking for someone to blow sunshine and rainbows out of their ass for you then please, move on. I have nothing to be ashamed enough of or about to lie or weave stories for the desires of others and their judgements. My reality is mine. It's been pretty ugly for the past few years, but if anyone thinks I'm just going to tell them what they want to hear; particularly people I don't even know, then they can screw off. I haven't bled my way through all this to be judged based on how pleasing my reality is or is not at the moment. And I wouldn't want to spend my time with anyone who would do or want that either. So, you have been warned to move on. Proceed with caution and full knowledge of that with which you pursue.

I want to believe. With all my being, I want to believe. If I had more to offer it would be easier, but when I did I still got burned. I just do not have that kind of strength anymore. I'm tapped out and good intentions don't mean success. I need success God Damn It. I need to know I am not tainted and that I have something to offer that is truly worth what I lack. Problem is, people want everything. In the end, what was perceived as lacking is what destroys most relationships. I don't want pity, I want a fucking spiritual awaking with love being the light. I guess I want a lot. I deserve it though. I know who I am and I love me. I'm just exhausted by everyone else and I get too tired to keep searching this universe for true. I'm getting old as well, which means I have less and less to offer of what people look for, which is beauty, youth, perky fucking tits and a tight ass. I could buy that, but I don't want to. Maybe a little touch here and there on my face, but none of that plastic shit for me. If I can't make you feel loved the way I am, all the plastic in the world isn't gonna change a got damn thing. Plus, I have never loved a man less for his physical shortcomings. Small dick, and I mean small, extra 100 lbs of flesh, bad skin, bent dick... who the fuck cares. None of those things equate to their true value. In my eyes anyway, but it ALWAYS come down to these things for women, or at least me. Cheating and porn addiction have run a muck in all my adult relationships. It didn't matter if I was 22 and hot as all hell, tight assed and in sexy near nothings daily; they still cheated and or went to great and amazing heights to feed the porn addiction. I don't understand. It is fake. Fake people expressing fake emotion like a fucking conveyor belt of plastic sex. The more intake you get the more cold and disconnected you become from reality. And BTW, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THE MEN IN THOSE VIDEOS EITHER, but I wouldn't go fuck someone else or steal porn from your parents to watch them. I wouldn't risk anything I love for something so trivial and false. I see the programming or reprogramming going on by this industry of sweat and money... why doesn't anyone else? You claim a non-sheep mentality and try to tell me that your porn needs aren't high tailing to the closest pack and following? Are you serious? You're being led by your dick Son. It's a myth. You want a fucking mind blowing experience?

Try digging around in your 'truth' and working on the shit that's been fucking you up for so long. Try achievement. Try a few really good swift kick to the head, both if need be, and the ego. Wow. Did it again. I think my lack of female friends makes me do this. Isn't that where women usually bitch about all this? If I had that maybe I wouldn't keep getting called negative. I don't see it. How is seeing, and facing the realness of your shit and consciously making true attempts to not just overcome but remold your mind over and over in a true path to ultimate honesty and awareness being negative? Talking about experiences you have had does not equate to negative. Dwelling and using them over and over to get sympathy and attention is. One is for the expectation of something from others and one is the expectation of a new awareness within. That's my call on the subject. I will not stop speaking because I have not been blessed enough recently to be able to, in all honesty, appease anyone's need for 'positive' words if I don't have that to speak about. Do you care about me or do you care about the illusion you want me to be? I will be a fucking bright ass star lighting your world if you just let me take care of my business. That would be working through my shit so I am not just another fucking psycho woman who has ignored her lifes lessons. I don't even like most women because of this. Peel back the layers and at least try to repair and learn instead of gloss-over the ugly shit. It wouldn't be life if it was all airbrushed and glossy for everyone else's pleasure. This is your life... this is my life... don't let anyone tell you that working it out is doing something negative. Just look at who is saying it. Do they have it all together? And I mean in truth not visually. Internally. Look in their eyes and ask them... the eyes NEVER lie. You just have to be willing to see no matter what the outcome. Whew. I'm spent. That was fun. Ha!

Well I took another chance and it bombed. I did however do as I do and get him what he needed but could not achieve on his own... the rest is his either to succeed or fail at, just like all the others. LOL. I am beginning to understand my place in this universe. If they just paid me to get them whatever the hell they have been failing at before me than I suppose I wouldn't be so damn angsty about it afterward. The universe doesn't pay though and the mates usually take far more than they deserve.

I am discovering that all my high percentile matches are either Aries/computer people or Pisces/computer people... ixnay on the Pisces... sorry, but it has been proven that me and a Pisces are NOT capable of interaction on any level. None. What's up with the computer thing though? Must be a brain processing issue. Hmmm. Something to ponder.

Since I get the "why do you have an OKC account if you don't want to date/hook-up etc." question on a regular basis, here is the answer: I have had this account for 8 or 9 years from back in the Myspace days, before Facebook won the social network wars. Back then the only place to access surveys and fun things like that was here, but you were required to open an account to access them (This included when you were in Myspace and doing a survey someone else posted. To get your 'result' it would send you here.) So... that is the how and why of my OKC account. Now it is to keep in touch with a handful of friends that have gotten lost in Facebook's non-stop unwanted restructuring that has made seeing anything by people you actually want to interact with near impossible.

Friends... just looking for friends.... nothing else. Life's difficult enough ya know? This relationship thing is just beyond me at this point. Isn't it suppose to be a level give and take most of the time? I've decided that I have had enough of men for 3 or 4 lifetimes. Never take me as stupid. I see a lot, but I will wait until I have proof to back my shit up and to make my move. People have always underestimated me. That's the wrong move Son. My kindness should never be taken as stupidity. Yes, I made a bad choice and trusted the wrong person/people. You can only face your reality to move forward. To ignore your reality is to guarantee a life of pain, failure and loneliness.

Jake: I think your heart grows back bigger ya know, once you get the shit beat out of you. And the universe lets your heart expand that way, cause that's the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place. Exactly.

I'm just realizing that love is not enough and it makes me sad.
Hope doesn't cut it either. No wonder there are so many bitter people in the world. Doesn't anyone know how a relationship works?????

I wish I was at Hogwarts. Seriously. I really mean this. It isn't here to be cute. I am not cute. I'm unique.

My 'kids' are adults. 21 and 25, and they will always be my babies, and the most important people in my life. Hands down. No man, woman, deity or beast will ever take that top place in my heart or my life...
What I’m doing with my life
Helping others achieve their unattainable goals and wondering why anyone here would ask me for my number after all this AND my obvious inability to trust anyone here. Are you all just that ego based? That sure that you will have the magic words to suddenly make a girl like me swoon and lose all sense of logic? Dudes... move the fuck on then. I spent 7 years talking to one person before we met and he still turned out to be my worst nightmare. You really think I am that stupid or naive? Really? That doesn't say much for women these days then. They all must really fall all over that shit. I'm not one of them so stop. Now. Please.
I now get to add that it is official... if you are a narcissist then you will find me. I am a beacon. If I could figure out how to disconnect the damn light I would, but 4 narcs in a row is becoming pretty obvious. The last one I have know since 9th grade. That's 30 years and then BAM! Total freak.
I give up.

Changing my hair color. Platinum blonde at the moment... meh. Not even worth taking a photo since it will probably be something different within the month. I am so ready to be not here anymore and wake up in a new place. My hair might get a break once my life is in my control again. Maybe. I bore myself so I try to change that on occasion.

Trying to move it all along.
Consuming BBC TV like it's oxygen... The Fades! Brilliant. Gavin and Stacey, Tidy!

(Grosse Point Blank has some of the BEST things to quote. IMO.)
Debi: You know what you need?
Marty: What?
Debi: Shakabuku.
Marty: You wanna tell me what that means?
Debi: It's a swift, spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever.
Marty: Oh, that'd be good. I think.
I’m really good at
Being me.....

Adapting.

Pretending I am OK. Pretending I am a hard ass. Pretending that you can't hurt me....

Finding the shit you don't want me to know about. It's like some sick force that keeps on bringing out what I have had enough viewing of as it is... I do not need to see just how sick the people I have loved actually are. I have become aware of enough. The universe must stop revealing these things to me about people I am not physically and emotionally 'with' anymore. Let the new chicks in their lives discover their dark sides. I don't want nor need to see anymore. This just makes it more difficult to trust ANYONE ever again. Enough already. Plus, it makes me feel like shit that these new woman may not know what ugliness lies beneath these men's outward appearances. Which makes me feel guilty for not telling them, and I am sick and tired of worrying about people I don't even like or who are too stupid to bother looking into who the hell they are exposing their children to. Gawd. It is all so disheartening.
The first things people usually notice about me
That's a question better answered by the people meeting me.
You love me or you don't. You appreciate my truthfulness or you don't. You accept my kindness as real or you wait for me to fuck up. I am kind though. Far too kind.

Debi: You're a fucking *psycho*.
Marty: Don't rush to judgment on something like that until all the facts are in.
Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Books: The Gunslinger (If you haven't read it then damn it... DO IT!) Harry Potter... all of them. I read Bird by Bird (Some Instructions on Writing and Life). It's worth every minute of reading. I am re-reading Stephen King's On Writing because damn it if that man hasn't had an interesting life.

I'm becoming obsessed with Charles Bukowski's work. I 'get' this mans brain. He makes sense to me. He was a pretty interesting creature as well! So I am finding what I love and letting it kill me.... sounds better than dating at this point.

Movies: Field Of Dreams. Possibly one of the greatest movies ever. Green Street Hooligans!!! John Cusack. The Piv. I am a movie addict. I cross all the lines in the genre department. I prefer to get a good laugh though and feel a connection to the characters. Spanglish is on my top 100 list. I really dig watching series too. Soprano's, Roseanne, Dead Like Me, Weeds, Dexter, True Blood, Being Human (BBC version. I LOVE BBC TV) etc.

Food: I like food. I hate food. I LOVE to feed people though. It makes me all warm and fuzzy!
Sushi and basic Japanese food rock my socks too.
I make the most amazing sandwiches.... I do. I swear. Ask anyone who's had one!!!

I seem to have lost my music here in OKC profile hell. I suppose this is a sign that my page is too full, but I can't win the 'Longest Profile Page' award if I delete anything, so here is a very short list: Modest Mouse, Pinback which has since been ruined by my ex's need to play them for his new chick far too often and that really pisses me off too. Old punk, old Police, hell most 80's music, Black Tide, Rebelution, Iration, Redbone, Bad Religion (#1 Fav), The Cramps, Postal Service, uh, crap, I should open my Spotify... AWOLNATION (LOVE), Macklemore (I'm gonna pop some tags...), older Ben Harper, Interpol, old G- Love and Special Sauce, and Alien Ant Farm. Hopefully this short list is versatile enough to get the point across. I like a lot of music from a lot of different sides of the music realm.
The six things I could never do without
1. My kids
2. Books. Many many books.
3. Music- Old Punk, 80's (being a child/Teen of that time), Iration, Rebelution, Black Tide, old Police etc.
4. Skin care stuff. I am obsessive about my skin.
5. Friends, although I have been doing without any face-to-face friends for a long time now, and it is killing me.
6. I am rediscovering art. I've missed it, so now I am trying to reconnect.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
The struggle. Moving forward instead of being in limbo. Far easier to think than do.
Time and how fast it goes by and leaves us reeling in the aftermath of what we were too busy to notice...
Such as the time to give. I am not a quitter by nature, and it seems to be the bane of my existence.

...Why I think I will ever find someone with the will to move forward rather than sit in the same spot or live in the past. The past is fine to visit but the NOW is what the focus should be on, as the later will come either way...

Sheep. I spend a hell of a lot of time trying to see what the attraction is to being a sheep. It pains me to see this everywhere. It pains me to get bitched at by people on OKC about how I am not fitting into their idea of what a person on here should be. I don't want to be you, or her, or them. I CHOOSE ME. I'm special in a way most of you will never get to know because I see through you and I can't respect you although I can accept your choices as long as they don't touch me. I can respect you for being you but not for being anyone else. It's the one gift we all get. The choice to be ourselves. Why so many choose to be the status quo is beyond me but if it actually makes you happy, which is rare in my experience, than you go Boy or Girl or You. I can respect it if it is true and it makes you happy all the way through. I always prefer the company of an asshole who knows and accepts that this is who they are than a 'nice' person who is faking it. Why? Why bother? Just be real. You will find your people if you just stop wearing your masks or following the herd.

"To hold on to sanity too tight is insane. "
Pushing Tin
On a typical Friday night I am
Doing homework.
Watching netflix streaming. I am so out of good options. Even Korean soaps aren't cutting it anymore. Sigh...
Trying to tap into my creative side again. Dreaming of drawing, painting, sculpting and a plethora of other things I really wish I could afford to pursue.
Trying to ignore the fact that it is just another day- SSDD. Did I really once get excited for the weekend? I did. I remember it; barely.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit
I'm a bit self-righteous. I work hard to be a decent person and I believe anyone who wants any kind of interaction with other persons ( that is a positive interaction) should also be willing to work hard for it... so, if you walk all over people or treat them like trash and piss and whine about it then I really have no sympathy for you. If you work hard for those relationships and piss and whine, then I can give you all the support you need for as long as it takes. Yep, I am self-righteous, but it is because in most cases you can be better and do a hell of a lot more. Life is one long work of art. Real art is made from blood, sweat and tears, and so life is too. So suck it if my belief that you can do and be more scares you or pisses you off.

I screw up... often. If I can lower my pride and admit my faults and if it can't be forgiven then I suppose I don't need people like that in my life. I'm big on forgiveness. It's truly one of the hardest things to give another person. It's also hard to find people that can give that back. Life is strange.
437737 And sometimes cruel as well... you get over a good portion of it though, but I'm just not sure I have any gas left to burn at this point.
This trait sucks. It's gets you a lot of wasted time. It makes you question yourself. I don't like that. I prefer not to question myself but I seem to do it often.
I was homeless for 3 years right out of high school. Real homeless. Hungry, cold, no where to go homeless. Think Suburbia. Penelope Spheeris version. I could relate to that movie in ways you can't imagine. I even knew a few of the 'actors'. You may notice Flea, from The Red Hot Chili Peppers in it; he was Rat Boy to us back in those days. Him and that damn rat.
I've experienced my first true deep dark depression this last year. It's a scary place and I wish it upon no one.

UPDATE: I almost feel for a guy. Someone I have 'known' online for many many years. He hurt me. Indifference and words with zero actions or promises with zero actions are not being kind to a person. BE REAL IN ALL YOUR FAULTS AND GLORIES. BE ACCEPTED FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE. It's the only possible way to ever truly have a shot at a happy relationship. WORD.

Is that all private enough for you?
You should message me if
UPDATE: Still not a potential mate, as I have zero faith in love at this point. Love your kids and be well. That's my advice for you.
If you are a Gym Rat then PLEASE, I beg of you... pass on by. I am not interested. Being fit is fine, but I would rather have a fat happy guy than a fit sociopath any day, and there seems to be a connection with people obsessed with one particular thing and neuroticism. Be it the gym or YoVille... there is a connection and I have no desire to get near that EVER again. I have had far too many Neurotics in my life in the last couple decades, thank you very much.
Thomas suggests that narcissists typically display most, and sometimes all, of the following traits:[5]

An obvious self-focus in interpersonal exchanges
Problems in sustaining satisfying relationships
A lack of psychological awareness (see insight in psychology and psychiatry, egosyntonic)
Difficulty with empathy
Problems distinguishing the self from others (see narcissism and boundaries)
Hypersensitivity to any insults or imagined insults (see criticism and narcissists, narcissistic rage and narcissistic injury)
Vulnerability to shame rather than guilt
Haughty body language
Flattery towards people who admire and affirm them (narcissistic supply)
Detesting those who do not admire them (narcissistic abuse)
Using other people without considering the cost of doing so
Pretending to be more important than they really are
Bragging (subtly but persistently) and exaggerating their achievements
Claiming to be an "expert" at many things
Inability to view the world from the perspective of other people
Denial of remorse and gratitude

DON'T IM me saying I'm sexy, you want to meet me in person, you want to make out with me or any other ridiculous thing that you might say to a potential mate... I AM NOT A POTENTIAL MATE. If I ever am I will make it known. If you're in the mood to fight or just ruffle someones feathers I can hold my own but will most likely just not bother to waste the energy. Well, that is unless the subject interests me.

And BTW... Just a little advice from a Woman to a Man....
You ready??????? You sure? Mkay.....
STOP USING PICTURES OF YOURSELF WITH SUNGLASSES ON AS YOUR PROFILE PIC. Period. Got that?
You don't look sexy, you look like you are hiding something. You look like you don't have any confidence in yourself. You look CREEPY.
Update: I am adding here for me personally, those damn shots of you nekkid, baring your abs, flexing, hanging out with cheerleaders or Hooters girls, laying in your bed, or looking stern... they make my skin crawl. If you find a woman that thinks any of these things makes you more of a man than you deserve her and all the shit she is going to bring you. True story. Same with the woman. If you are choosing your chicks based on various shots of tits, ass, abs etcetera, then yeah, you get what you choose there Boys. This being a woman lacking inner strength or a broken soul. A narcissist. A little girl with Daddy issues. Have fun with that; not a ride anyone will enjoy in the end. Trust me on this one too!

I don't trust a woman with no eyebrows or a man who won't take his sunglasses off and I never gamble next to an Asian older woman. The men are lucky... the woman suck you dry. I assume that they are literally consuming all the luck you may have had before they sat down next to you. It's weird. I wonder how they do that. Really wish I knew how to do that myself....

So anyway, back to my point.... "The eyes are the windows to the soul...." So stop that sunglasses thing guys!

Meh. I probably won't reply either way so don't take it personal. You should see me try to interact in person.... it's really just painful.

You're John Cusack....
You're Michael Socha (Being Human BBC. I LOVE BBC)

I think when you get to the point where you don't need to be in love, then you could be in love. You have to just be OK with yourself-and that's a long process. < WORD!!!
John Cusack

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

What we need to face to save the human race in today's climate.

There are a lot of depression stories being written these days, which is great but the one thing I see is that near all of them blame addiction and or mental instability on its cause. At what point will they begin to write about the depression created when all hope is lost? When the struggle to survive in a world full of selfish ignorant people is killing the souls of so many? When it is our surroundings and the lack of support from friends, family, the system that is leaving some of us with the desire to just stop suffering, which equates to battling depression NOT caused by addiction or mental illness. WHEN? It needs to begin now. We can't wait decades for people to wake up and address this issue for more than a mental health and addiction issue and we need options. I don't WANT to die, but I want the pain and suffering to end because there will be no hand to come help pull me up and out. So what is the point? When food is beyond reach and you haven't felt a human touch in ages and no matter how vocal you are or how quiet you are, no one notices how real the situation is for you then escaping it is all that is left. But the disappointment in humanity is by far the most painful thing to face.

There has been help. Bits and pieces that sustain for a few days, but imagine suffering from severe dehydration and only being offered a drop of water each hour, and only when you do something humiliating or degrading. Imagine how if you could just get a cup an hour or a jug a day how you would have a chance to regain strength rather than just sustaining the suffering. You would be grateful for that drop within reason but you can only ride that for so long, eventually you all about the reality and how to make it end. 

This is like why I cut. When I can't breathe anymore. When the rattle in my chest makes my entire being tremble. When all I hear is end it, I cut, because it is like suffocating with a plastic bag over ones head. In that last few moment of total panic and then you or someone cuts a hole in the bag. That is what cutting does. It sends that whoosh of oxygen that feeds the brain and begins to calm everything else. 

So, there is my share of the day, or so far. Maybe it will help someone else understand someone they couldn't relate to originally. Maybe not. I'm sharing it anyway. I want to leave something even if some people call it 'playing the victim.' They can go fuck themselves. They should go look in the mirror. They should stop pointing and shouting and start observing, quietly. You learn so much when you shut up and watch. <3

Sunday, September 7, 2014

WTF?

So we will most likely lose our internet any moment now. This will be the last straw of a long line of them. This will destroy my last hope of getting out of here or survival at all since it will mean losing my financial aid check in October because all my classes are online and we don't have a Starbucks up in the hills. My car has blown a tire as well and we have roughly $20 for the next 5 weeks to boot. If my ex takes my son then I am outta here. So its been peachy. Have a great life and try not to fuck it up by taking advantage of all the people who care that are around you and all the things you have that some people would kill for, k? Oh, and leave the assholes who keep stringing you along with their empty promises and such. You're worth more than that and you don't want to figure out the way I did.

Peace... Micho out.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

More Than My Fair Share of "I'm Sorry's" But Never Again.


And, no matter if you acknowledge me or not, see me or look right through me, reply to me or ignore me; nothing's going to change this truth. I can't unknow what I know. I don't want to either. I'd just like to find a person to share it with. Someone who does not look right through me. Someone who see's. Someone who value's the valuable things, which have nothing to do with fame, fortune or even love. All easily attained and easily lost. 

Friday, August 22, 2014

Philip Wesley - Dark night of the soul




http://www.eckharttolle.com/newsletter/october-2011

Eckhart on the Dark Night of the Soul




Q: Have you ever experienced the dark night of the soul?  Your teachings have been so helpful through this difficult period.  Can you address this subject?
A: The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time.  Yes, I have also experienced it.  It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness.  The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression.  Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything.  Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level.  The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies.  Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.
It can happen if something happens that you can’t explain away anymore, some disaster which seems to invalidate the meaning that your life had before.  Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it.  So that results in a dark place.  But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness.  Life has meaning again, but it’s no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain.  Quite often it’s from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.
They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind.  A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer.  It’s a kind of re-birth.  The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die.  What dies is the egoic sense of self.  Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there – only an illusory identity.  Now it is probably the case that some people who’ve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening.  Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.
The first lesson in A Course in Miracles says “Nothing I see in this room means anything”, and you’re supposed to look around the room at whatever you happen to be looking at, and you say “this doesn’t mean anything”, “that doesn’t mean anything”.   What is the purpose of a lesson like that?  It’s a little bit like re-creating what can happen during the dark night of the soul.  It’s the collapse of a mind-made meaning, conceptual meaning, of life… believing that you understand “what it’s all about”.  With A Course in Miracles, it’s a voluntary relinquishment of the human mind-made meaning that is projected, and you go voluntary into saying “I don’t know what this means”, “this doesn’t mean anything”.  You wipe the board clean.  In the dark night of the soul it collapses.
You are meant to arrive at a place of conceptual meaninglessness.  Or one could say a state of ignorance – where things lose the meaning that you had given them, which was all conditioned and cultural and so on.  Then you can look upon the world without imposing a mind-made framework of meaning.  It looks of course as if you no longer understand anything.  That’s why it’s so scary when it happens to you, instead of you actually consciously embracing it.  It can bring about the dark night of the soul – to go around the Universe without any longer interpreting it compulsively, as an innocent presence.  You look upon events, people, and so on with a deep sense of aliveness.  Your sense the aliveness through your own sense of aliveness, but you are not trying to fit your experience into a conceptual framework anymore.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Why we choose suicide: Mark Henick at TEDxToronto

Megadeth - A Tout Le Monde and Metallica-Fade to Black Both Quite Fitting





A TOUT LE MONDE  –
MEGADETH Review The Song (90)                               

Don't remember where I was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously I took things
The harder the rules became
I had no idea what it'd cost
My life passed before my eyes
I found out how little I accomplished
All my plans denied

So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
smile when you think of me
My body's gone that's all...

A tout le monde (To all the world!)
A tout mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I must leave)

These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

If my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There's nothing more to say

Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living all are scarred

A tout le monde (To all the world!)
A tout mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I must leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak
And they'll set me free

So as you read this know my friends
I'd love to stay with you all
Please smile, smile when you think about me
My body's gone that's all

A tout le monde (To all the world!)
A tout mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I must leave)
These are the last words
I'll ever speak


And they'll set me free



FADE TO BLACK  – METALLICA

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else

I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel

Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

 No one but me can save myself, but it's too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed

Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Is it possible...

Going To A For-Profit College Won't Help You Get Hired- SUPPORTING MY RANT ABOUT SNAP AND SCHOOL

Well duh. This is what I have been bitching about and what my previous post was in reference to as well. This bullshit that aid is only for those that take on the insane costs of for profit schooling the state requires through their system (if you want an education that is), and probably takes a chunk of as well, and then punishing those trying to get a degree for little to no debt and on their own is total bullshit. 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/18/for-profit-colleges-hired_n_5689598.html

A new study comparing graduates of for-profit colleges with those of cheaper community colleges found attending a school like the University of Phoenix or DeVry doesn't impress employers much.

In fact, researchers concluded, the students would be better off attending community colleges for a much smaller tuition price.

The paper was produced by the National Center for Analysis of Longitudinal Data in Education Research, with researchers from the University of Missouri and RAND, according to the Wall Street Journal.


Researchers sent nearly 9,000 resumes of fictious applicants to employers in response to job postings in major cities. The fake applicants had attended either a for-profit college, a public community college, or a local high school. According to the Journal:

Employers responded to community-college grads with an interested call or e-mail 11.6% of the time, compared with 11.3% for for-profit college graduates. They asked to schedule interviews with 5.3% of applicants who had community-college credentials, and 4.7% of applicants hailing from for-profit colleges. (High-school graduates received responses 10.6% of the time, and interview requests 4.2% of the time.) None of the differences are statistically significant.
The researchers told Inside Higher Ed their big surprise was that the fake for-profit college grads came so close to community colleges. Multiple federal investigations have shown for-profit colleges have higher-than-average student debt loads, have a poor job placement record and mostly fail to graduate.

A recent study by The Institute for College Access & Success concluded dozens of for-profit schools had more students in default on their education loans than graduates.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

FUCK THE SYSTEM. FUCK SOCIAL SERVICES IDEA OF SUPPORT SERVICES. DON'T LET THEM FOOL YOU!

Our system supports the poor taking on tens of thousands of dollars in debt for a certificate that rarely leads anywhere rather than supporting those same people getting an actual degree for nothing or limited debt. Our system does not support the education that will get them further employment and wages. It does not support the education that will lead to higher degrees and wages and more job opportunities. It does not support the education that carries with it a level of respect. Instead it supports a limited area of education that is overflowing with graduates that continue to not be able to find work and is only good in the area trained in. And in fact, our system is penalizing anyone who takes the initiative to get a better education without the tens of thousands in debt. Our system continues to support keeping the poorest of the poor down, not helping them get up and stand tall. Instead if they are lucky enough to actually find work in their limited area of 'expertise' they do it starting off with unimaginable levels of debt. So, they continue to struggle to survive because even though they have now found employment they have all that debt to pay back as well.

Now tell me the system doesn't need to be fixed. Tell me it isn't broken. Tell me there is logic in this system. And if you still are not convinced then let me add that if a person chooses to just sit and rot on aid then they can. All the better for them. Then they do not have the plethora of hoops to jump through to better their situation. And if you add popping out a kid here and there a person can have a pretty cush life. A struggling life but still one not lacking in food, cash, medical, education (if you can really call it that), and any other number of options to pick from.... And with all the bitching and complaining this nation does about having to aid the poor, they punish the poor for what the government has created. For what the government has forced them to choose from. From what the government chooses to support. IT IS YOUR GOVERNMENT THAT IS FUCKING YOU!! IT IS NOT THE POOR! WAKE THE FUCK UP!

22 The enrollment status of a student shall begin on the first day of the school term of the institution 
of higher education. Once a student enrolls in an institution of higher education, such enrollment 
shall be deemed to continue through normal periods of class attendance, vacation and recess 
unless the student graduates, is suspended or expelled or drops out. 

So, to clarify this bit from the State Food Stamp Regulation Manual- if you were a student at a 2 year or 4 year college and you were not suspended or expelled and you did not drop out then you will continue to be 'a student' whether you are enrolled or not. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, right? So this means that you do not qualify for aid. You must be suspended, expelled, graduate or drop out to qualify for aid again. That's the way to support education? LOL! If you just couldn't afford a semester or lost your transportation or were sick or any number of other issues people face daily then you are still fucked. But if you 'drop out' you lose all your funding for the future. Same thing if you are suspended or expelled.. Our system supports these negatives. Amazing.

http://www.fns.usda.gov/snap/students
Most able-bodied students ages 18 through 49 who are enrolled in college or other institutions of higher education at least half time are not eligible for SNAP benefits. However, students may be able to get SNAP benefits if otherwise eligible and they:

Get public assistance benefits under a Title IV-A program; 
THIS IS A LIE. THE PROGRAMS ARE LISTED BUT ONLY ONE- FEDERAL WORK STUDY- IS ACKNOWLEDGED. THIS WAY THEY CAN DENY YOU IN BETWEEN SEMESTERS AND SUCH, THEY ONLY ACKNOWLEDGE SEMESTERS WHEN THEY CAN USE THEM TO WORK AROUND THE TITLE IV-A CLAUSE. OTHERWISE, THEY DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE SEMESTERS, VACATION TIME, OR RECESS SO BASICALLY THEY ACCEPT NOTHING AS NON-SCHOOL TIME EXCEPT WHEN IT AFFECTS TITLE IV-A. 

Take part in a State or federally financed work study program; THIS IS WHAT THEY ACKNOWLEDGE. GRANTS AND SUCH DO NOT GET ACKNOWLEDGED AT ALL UNTIL IT COMES TO WHAT CAN AND CAN NOT BE JUDGED AS INCOME AGAINST YOUR AID. IT IS AT THIS POINT THAT THEY SAY YOUR GRANTS CAN NOT BE USED AGAINST YOUR HOUSEHOLDS INCOME LIMITS. BUT IF YOU ARE IN SCHOOL AND GETTING THESE GRANTS THEN YOU ARE ALSO BEING FORCED TO WORK A MINIMUM OF 20 HOURS A WEEK, SO YOUR AID IS NOW DROPPED TO AT LEAST HALF OF WHAT IT WAS, WHICH EQUATES TO MAYBE $90 OR LESS  IN SNAP/FOODSTAMPS A MONTH. NOT REALLY WORTH THE HASSLE RIGHT?

Work at least 20 hours a week; <<<<<< AND THERE IT IS

Are taking care of a dependent household member under the age of 6;

Are taking care of a dependent household member over the age of 5 but under 12 and do not have adequate child care to enable them to attend school and work a minimum of 20 hours, or to take part in a State or federally financed work study program; or

Are assigned to or placed in a college or certain other schools through:

A program under the Workforce Investment Act of 1998, <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL

A program under Section 236 of the Trade Act of 1974,
>>>>Sec. 31-236-57. Eligibility of an individual in training approved under the Trade Act 
of 1974
a. The Administrator shall not deny benefits to an otherwise eligible individual for any 
week because he is in training approved under Section 236(a)(1) of the Trade Act of 
1974, or because he left work to enter such training, provided the work left is not 
suitable work, or because, during any week he was in such training, the 
Administrator found he was unavailable for work, failed to make reasonable efforts 
to obtain work or refused to accept work.
b. For purposes of this regulation, "suitable work" means, with respect to an 
individual, work of a substantially equal or higher skill level than the individual’s 
past adversely affected employment, as defined for purposes of the Trade Act of 
1974, and wages for such work at not less than eighty percent of the individual’s 
average weekly wage as determined for purposes of the Trade Act of 1974.<<<< UM, AND WHEN HAS A CERTIFICATE REALLY MANAGED TO ACCOMPLISH THIS IN TODAYS NEW WORLD? THAT IS WITHOUT THE THOUSANDS IN DEBT THE STUDENT WILL BE FORCED TO TAKE ON. YOU WOULD THINK GETTING AN ACTUAL DEGREE WOULD FALL UNDER THIS ACT THESE DAYS. EMPLOYERS ARE REQUIRING A DEGREE TO FLIP BURGERS IN MANY CASES. 

An employment and training program under the Food Stamp Act, or <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL

An employment and training program operated by a State or local government. <<<<MEANING VOCATIONAL SCHOOL

Also, a single parent enrolled full time in college and taking care of a dependent household member under the age of 12 can get SNAP benefits if otherwise eligible. AND HERE IS WHERE THOSE KIDS COME IN TO PLAY AGAIN....

http://foodstampguide.org/11a-special-rules-for-students/
Exceptions
Individuals can get food stamps if they meet one of the following requirements. [7 C.F.R. §§ 273.5 (b); MPP § 63-406.211.]
LIES!
Employed 20 hours a week based on a reasonably anticipated monthly average [ACL 12-37]; or
Receiving federal or state work-study money. AND HERE IS WHERE YOU FIND THE LIE>>>>>>“Receiving” means when the student is approved for state or federally work study (NO MENTION OF THOSE GRANTS AND STUFF HERE, HUH?!) for the current school term, and anticipates working during the term. The exemption begins the month the school term starts or the month work study is approved, whichever is later. The exemption continues until the end of the month the school term ends [MPP § 63-406.212]; or

63-406 STUDENTS (Continued) 63-406
.121 If mental or physical unfitness for employment is claimed and the unfitness is not 
evident to the CWD, verification shall be required. Appropriate verification may consist 
of receipt of temporary or permanent disability benefits issued by governmental or 
private sources, or a statement from a physician or licensed or certified psychologist.  ( I WAS NEVER ASKED ABOUT THIS NOR WAS I TOLD WHY I WAS BEING DENIED AND FINED FOR THE TEMPORARY AID RECEIVED UNTIL AFTER BEING BILLED AND AFTER MULTIPLE REQUESTS FOR CLARIFICATION THAT I WAS NOT GRANTED I WAS FORCED TO DO THE RESEARCH YOU ARE NOW READING JUST TO UNDERSTAND AND CLARIFY WHAT THIS BITCH  PERSON WAS BASING HER CLAIM ON. SO I AM A STUDENT EVEN THOUGH I WAS NOT REGISTERED OR ENROLLED IN ANY COURSES OVER THE SEMESTER IN PROGRESS AT THE TIME OF MY REQUEST FOR AID BASED ON THIS PILE OF BULLSHIT THAT SOME ASSHOLES BUREAUCRATS PUT TOGETHER FOR THE BETTERMENT OF THE POOR PEOPLE. AMAZING HOW MUCH TIME COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED IF SHE HAD DONE HER JOB AND ANSWERED MY NUMEROUS REQUESTS FOR CLARIFICATION. THAT LACK OF AN ANSWER THOUGH, THAT WAS AGAINST THE RIGHTS OF THE APPLICANT. SHE IS REQUIRED TO ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, WHICH SHE DID NOT. SO I AM FUCKED BUT MAYBE THIS WILL BE A TINY LOOPHOLE? I DOUBT IT BUT CRAZIER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.)
.2 Eligibility Requirements. 
.21 In order to be eligible to participate in the Food Stamp Program, any student (as defined in 
Section 63-406.1) shall meet at least one of the following criteria on the date of the interview: 
.211 Be employed for a minimum of twenty hours per week and be paid for such employment 
or, if self-employed, be employed for a minimum of 20 hours per week and receive gross 
weekly earnings at least equal to the federal minimum wage multiplied by 20 hours; 
(See Section 63-408.111 and Section 63-502.112). 
 CALIFORNIA-DSS-MANUAL-FS 
MANUAL LETTER NO. FS-03-03 Effective 9/8/03 
 Page 177  FOOD STAMP REGULATIONS 
63-406 (Cont.) ELIGIBILITY STANDARDS Regulations 
63-406 STUDENTS (Continued) 63-406
.212 Be approved for state or federally financed work study for the current school term, as 
defined by the institution, and anticipate working during the term. 
The exemption begins the month the school term starts or the month work study is 
approved, whichever is later. The exemption continues until the end of the month the 
school term ends, or it becomes known that the student refused a work assignment. 
The exemption shall not continue between terms when there is a break of a full month or 
longer unless the student is participating in work study during the break.

22 The enrollment status of a student shall begin on the first day of the school term of the institution 
of higher education. Once a student enrolls in an institution of higher education, such enrollment 
shall be deemed to continue through normal periods of class attendance, vacation and recess 
unless the student graduates, is suspended or expelled or drops out. 
.221 Student eligibility criteria shall be applied on the date of the interview to all applicants 
who are students as defined in Section 63-406.1. The student eligibility criteria shall 
also be applied on the date of the interview to all applicants who are noncontinuing 
students in the final month of student status. <<<< SO I ASSUME THIS WOULD MEAN THE DROP-OUTS, GRADUATES, SUSPENDED OR EXPELLED? NOT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ENROLLED IN CLASSES FOR THE PREVIOUS/CURRENT SEMESTER. WHAT A FUCKING PILE OF BULLSHIT.
 CALIFORNIA-DSS-MANUAL-FS 
MANUAL LETTER NO. FS-03-03 Effective 9/8/03 
 Page 179