Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Stateless - Bloodstream (Vampire Diaries Remix)



Wake up and look me in the eyes again
I need to feel your hands
Upon my face
Words can be likes knives
They can cut you open
And the silence surrounds you
and haunts you

I think I might have inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

Words can be like knives
They can cut you open
And then silence surrounds you
and Haunts you

I think I might've inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

The spaces in between
Two minds and all the places they have been
The spaces in between

I tried to put my finger on it
I tried to put my finger on it
I tried to put my finger on it

I think I might've inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
you've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

I think I might've inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me

Elvis 1970-1977 Help Me Make It Through The Night

ELVIS - Can't Help Falling In Love (Remastered audio)



Take my hand. Take my whole life too...

Elvis Presley - Trying To Get To You (Live)- D.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Guster - "Satellite" - (Stop Motion)




LYRICS:
Shining like a work of art
Hanging on a wall of stars
Are you what I think you are?

You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite

Elevator to the moon
Whistling our favorite tune
Trying to get a closer view

You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
<br>
Maybe you will always be
Just a little out of reach

You're my satellite
You're riding with me tonight
Passenger side, lighting the sky
Always the first star that I find
You're my satellite
You're my satellite

Friday, September 20, 2013

Something Nice To Share For Once


Best compliment I've had in ages. It's who it is from, because they have known me for 30 years, and once we loved one another. He is happily married but he took the time to tell me this and when you have a lifetime of failed relationships and the last 3 have been with men who have blamed me for their own shit it can feel pretty fucking pointless. Then a person who has always known who I am takes a minute to verify that, yes, I have in fact always been me. I haven't changed like so many others do with age. I'm talking internally, not physically, but that was nice to hear as well. People want to break me, and I don't understand why, except that maybe I make being real look too easy or too hard? That would mean that their excuses for not being better humans wouldn't mean much more than that they are too damn lazy to bother.

Hey Michele your fucking awesome and I'm gonna say this you are beautiful now. You went from hot and pretty to beautiful all in like 20 yrs. I think I last saw you in 1993 rite before I got busted. Too bad we didn't at a much later date you know what I mean. Anyway I could introduce you to some great guys up here. Funny, they stopped drinking or drink very little and S says there good. looking.

The Police - So Lonely

staind - waste

AWOLNATION - Sail (Official)

Three Days Grace - Never Too Late

IS THIS WHAT THEY SAY AFTER THE FACT? OR DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY NOTICE WHEN OTHERS ARE SUFFERING AND TRY TO HELP? I WOULDN'T KNOW. NO ONE BOTHERS IN MY WORLD.

Slipknot - Wait And Bleed (HQ)

FUCKING SLIPKNOT... BRILLIANT.

Slipknot - Everything Ends

I'M SO TIRED ★ John Lennon (Audio)

Glen Hansard live @ Breminale 2012

The Swell Season - "Drive all night" (Live, Milano, 7/2/2010)

Glen Hansard - What are We gonna do

Swell season - Into the mystic

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair. Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets...

Love Sonnet XI
Pablo Neruda

"I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
Like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue."

You Made Me Hang Up On You. I Haven't Done That Shit In Decades. No Joke. WTF.

It seems that some people believe that words have certain meanings even when used without the intent being assumed. Words like, 'Kid' and 'Son'. I do not use these words with any negative intent. In fact it is quite the opposite. I use them with affection, and I always have. So... in saying that, let me express to 'the world' which in reality equates to exactly ZERO (friends/readers/followers), unless you count me, that in the previous posts, particularly the ones in the past week, the words Son and Kid were never used to belittle or downgrade anyone's worth or sense of self. Normally I might go back and sensor my writing to appease, but fuck that shit. This is MY page and my flow and my words being spilled, and that is how they came and that is how they will stay, but as I said before, I never meant to create any negativity.

Now, with that said, here is what I have to say... words are powerful things. More powerful than brute force and the next closest thing to an actual emotion. You can hit me all day and I will heal and move on, but you can't attack me with words and expect the same. They never disappear. They stay in the dark corners of the mind showing themselves when the timing seems fit. Negative or positive, they are always there echoing with the intent at which they were spewed. I won't be belittled, particularly for an offense that was not intended to be one and for that which I have said that I would do my best to be conscious of in the future. To attack me with your words after I have agreed to that is unforgivable. Especially, from a person who truly understands the power of that which they are using as a weapon (words). There is no excuse there. You can not hide behind ignorance or lack of intelligence. When you have these gifts you also have to take responsibility for how you use them...

Monday, September 16, 2013

A Girl Can Dream.


I just want to dance in D's fire. Soak myself in the sweat of his passion and pain. Insulate his embers while he rests and ignite the spark that sets it back on its path of greatness. I want to burn my eyes in the reflection of his gaze and I want to lie by his side warmed by the heat radiating from his resting soul. I want burns and scars that remind me of the moments I was a part of life and love and truly there... seen, heard, awakened by this attention. With marks to prove it happened long after it's been taken away.

I don't think it's going to happen though... D's pulling away and I guess I don't blame him, but I will miss him. I might even ache for him. At least I got a moment to bask in his crazy light. That's better than nothing at all. He awakened me to some degree and I thank him for that.


Forever Lyrics
from Welcome To The Cruel World

Not talkin' 'bout a year, no not three or four
I don't want that kind for forever in my life anymore
Forever always seems to be around when it begins
But forever never seems to be around when it ends

So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

People spend so much time, every single day
Runnin' 'round all over town, givin' their forever away
But no, not me, I won't let my forever roam
And now I hope I can find my forever a home

So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

Like a handless clock with numbers an infinite of time
No, not the forever found only in the mind
Forever always seems to be around when things begin
But forever never seems to be around when things end

So give me your forever
Please your forever
Not a day less will do
From you

And So It Begins, If What I Am Feeling Is Intuition.

You know that feeling you get? The one that says..."Things are shifting. You aren't going to like it much." Yeah. That's whats up.
Think me, with my boombox, standing under his window... hoping to be wrong. LOL. I'm fucking losing it aren't I?






Oooo no Here comes that sun again That means another day without you my friend And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else And it's so hard to do And so easy to say But sometimes Sometimes You just have to walk away Walk away So many people to love in my life Why do i worry about one But you put the happy in my ness You put the good times into my fun And it's so hard to do And so easy to say Sometimes Sometimes You just have to walk away Walk away And head for the door We've tried the goodbyes So many days We walk in the same direction So that we could never stray They say if you love somebody Then you have got to set them free But i would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery They say that time, will make all this go away But it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterday And once again that rising sun is a droppin' on down And once again you my friend are no where to be found And its so hard to do, and so easy to say But sometimes Sometimes You just have to walk away Walk away And head for the door You just walk away Walk away Walk away..... Just walk on Walk on Turn and head for the door.... Walk away

I don't want pity, I want a fucking spiritual awaking with love being the light.

I want to believe. With all my being, I want to believe. If I had more to offer it would be easier, but when I did I still got burned. I just do not have that kind of strength anymore. I'm tapped out and good intentions don't mean success. I need success God Damn It. I need to know I am not tainted and that I have something to offer that is truly worth what I lack. Problem is, people want everything. In the end, what was perceived as lacking is what destroys most relationships. I don't want pity, I want a fucking spiritual awaking with love being the light. I guess I want a lot. I deserve it though. I know who I am and I love me. I'm just exhausted by everyone else and I get too tired to keep searching this universe for true. I'm getting old as well, which means I have less and less to offer of what people look for, which is beauty, youth, perky fucking tits and a tight ass. I could buy that, but I don't want to. Maybe a little touch here and there on my face, but none of that plastic shit for me. If I can't make you feel loved the way I am, all the plastic in the world isn't gonna change a got damn thing. Plus, I have never loved a man less for his physical shortcomings. Small dick, and I mean small, extra 100 lbs of flesh, bad skin, bent dick... who the fuck cares. None of those things equate to their true value. In my eyes anyway, but it ALWAYS come down to these things where women are concerned, or at least in my experience. Cheating and porn addiction have run a muck in all my adult relationships. It didn't matter if I was 22 and hot as all hell, tight assed and in sexy near nothings daily; they still cheated and or went to great and amazing heights to feed the porn addiction. I don't understand. It is fake. Fake people expressing fake emotion like a fucking conveyor belt of plastic sex. The more intake you get the more cold and disconnected you become from reality. And BTW, YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE THE MEN IN THOSE VIDEOS EITHER, but I wouldn't go fuck someone else or steal porn from your parents to watch them (true story). I wouldn't risk anything I love for something so trivial and false. I see the programming or reprogramming going on by this industry of sweat and money... why doesn't anyone else? You claim a non-sheep mentality and try to tell me that your porn needs aren't high tailing you to the closest pack and following? Are you serious? You're being led by your dick Son. It's a myth. You want a fucking mind blowing experience? Try digging around in your 'truth' and working on the shit that's been fucking you up for so long. Try achievement. Try a few really good swift kicks to the head, both heads if need be, and The Ego.
Wow. Did it again. I think my lack of female friends makes me do this. Isn't that where women usually bitch about all this? If I had that maybe I wouldn't keep getting called negative. I don't see it. How is seeing, and facing the realness of your shit and consciously making true attempts to not just overcome, but remold your mind over and over in a true path to ultimate honesty and awareness be negative? Talking about experiences you have had does not equate to negative. Dwelling and using them over and over to get sympathy and attention is. One is for the expectation of something from others and the other is the expectation of a new awareness within. That's my call on the subject.
I will not stop speaking because I have not been blessed enough recently to be able to, in all honesty, appease anyone's need for 'positive' words if I don't have that to speak about. Do you care about me or do you care about the illusion you want me to be? I will be a fucking bright ass star lighting your world if you just let me take care of my business. That would be working through my shit so I am not just another fucking psycho woman who has ignored her life's lessons. I don't even like most women because of this. Peel back the layers and at least try to repair and learn instead of gloss-over the ugly shit. It wouldn't be life if it was all airbrushed and glossy for everyone else's pleasure. This is your life... this is my life... don't let anyone tell you that working it out is doing something negative. Just look at who is saying it. Do they have it all together? And I mean in truth not visually. Internally. Look in their eyes and ask them... the eyes NEVER lie. You just have to be willing to see no matter what the outcome.
Whew. I'm spent. That was fun. Ha! I kinda love a man. He kinda has some shit to deal with that I am not convinced he really wants to take care of, and I don' want to watch anyone else I love fade into insanity or nothingness. He's amazing and his intentions are golden, but I fear his demons own him more than my love can mend... Life is one intense ride.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Tick Tock Tick Tock and Thank's For The Mind Fuck Subconscious or Happy Fucking 1 Year Anniversary.

Sigh.
I have just woken up after a night of subconscious mind-fucking. Or should I rephrase that as, I just woke up after being mind-fucked by my subconscious all-night? Yes, the second one is far more accurate. 

Today, or tonight rather, is the one year anniversary of the single worst night of my life. Rephrase: Somewhere around 10 pm tonight, August 31 is the official one year since it happened, it being the worst 7 hours of my life, which was really just a horrific piece of a bigger horrible life experience that I am still living as I type. But this, this 7 hours... these were the worst of the worst of life moments. This was a life-altering, soul scarring, destroy a person's will to live, kind of horrible. 

I am going to get to the dream before it disappears as they often do upon waking...
This dream had EX2 in it. EX2 and I have not had any physical or verbal contact since the day after Christmas, and I threw him out the night before New Years Eve. There has been limited texts, awesome threatening texts... and that is about it. I haven't seen his face in a dream in months; that is until last night. Supa. Not. Thanks subconscious. I was fully aware of the date. I did not need to see his face or hear his voice. I did not need to re-experience the pain, fear, disappointment and loss, not of him but his child. I loved his child and I fought for his child, and as soon as he got that kid he was ready to flee. This is a running theme in my life. "Come be with me! Let me carry you to your dreams! Let me hold your hand, carry you on my shoulders, bare the scars of your abuse and drain myself dry mentally, financially and emotionally," and at least on this occasion physically as well. "Come take everything you can and leave with your dream a reality!" Fucking circus. Fucking animals. Fucking people. Fucking 'relationships'
Anyway, Ex2 was saying something about his child somewhere, I have no idea where this place was that I happened to find myself and find him as well, but he was speaking about his child and the pain of not being with them, and for some reason I said, "You could have had me to help." or "You had me to help." Something along those lines. He came up to me and got really close, as he often did, and inside I cowered as I would do now, for sure, but not necessarily on the outside, and he touched my shoulder, almost my lips and he said "you would do that for me?", and I said, "I want to be able to... I did do that for you." And he just started to cry. Just cry. No dramatics or anything. Just tears, and possibly realization. Although, I would be smarter to assume he was crying not for loss or realization, but just for himself. There really is nothing but him in the world, and the few things he allows to visit if they bring with them the proper level of attention that he desires. You disappear when you can't maintain whatever image he has created of you and what you are expected to do for him. You are trash once he is done. Truly, you rate nothing on the human scale, or even the living scale once he is finished, and if you cross him... if you dare to cross him, or step on his toes, or try to warn others of his intentions, as I did... well, you will find yourself watching your back and carrying a weapon for quite some time. Ex2 doesn't have the backbone to do more than talk, just like Ex1, but Ex2 does know people, and he does have the gift of the narcissists verbal ability and charm. Think American Psycho and you have the last two Ex's and the past 15 years of my life with them down to a pretty decent mental example. Ex1 is more American Psycho than Ex2 but Ex2 is more capable of the physical and verbal abuse and suave outer personality. Wait, that is not coming out well. Or maybe it is...
Breathe. Sigh. For example:
Ex1 is dark and deceitful with a very scary stalker, sexual predator side to go with his obsessive physically fit outside. He is not however, charming. At least I never thought so. Charm is a smoothness that Ex1 will never acquire. In fact, Ex1 exudes this jerky, as in broken movement, kind of way about him. Nothing is smooth, ever. Sex is awkward, affection is awkward, anger is awkward, communication is awkward. It's as if EVERYTHING is struggle and it all isn't coming from anyplace genuine, but rather he is internally, frantically searching for the p.c. expectation of the other person, or the 'normal' way he is expected to react. Problem is he rarely finds it in time to react in the moment, so he is always awkward and somewhat detached.  Smart, as in book smart, and cunning enough for your typical girl, but not enough for me, or I wouldn't know about this other side, but I do, because I am a wise Bitch. Book smart only gets you so far. Wisdom reminds you to look in the corners, and under the rugs, but don't forget to look in the tampon box under the sink or in the lining of the tool bag. No, I didn't actually find what I found any of these ways... not with Ex1, although way back in the day before we had the internet, shocking, I know, I did find things about an ex not talked about here, in this manner of searching. ANYWAY... Ex1 is internally and visually American Psycho.

Ex2 has far less of the visual image from A.P. He is however, obsessive compulsive about his things, his clothes, his stuff, yet he has no class at all. None. He reeks of 1978. You know, really bad porno but the chicks all had real tits. Gold chains and shirts buttoned down way too low. Yeah... that's the image. That's Ex2 in a nutshell. He's cute. Don't get me wrong. He could even be hot at times in his past, but he was vastly overweight while with me so... yeah. Personally, I don't give a flying fuck if you look like Ex1 or Ex2 body-wise. That shit means nothing to me anymore, nor does how big or small your dick is. I don't care. WHO you are is what I care about. WHAT kind of person are you? WHEN do you do things? Or do you just talk about it? WHERE have you been and WHAT have you learned and HOW have you changed your way of thinking and being due to this knew wisdom? WHY are you here, now, with me? WHAT do you want from me. Don't say nothing. Nothing is BULLSHIT and I will call you out immediately. No one has ever not wanted something from someone else. We like to think we don't but we do. We always do. WHERE is the proof to back all your tales? This one is big and important because Ex2 had a never-ending stream of tales but nothing to prove any of it. No pictures, no paperwork or forms, only people on occasion who did not actually back him up but nod in that way that says, "anything to get you to leave me alone and not ask anymore." People who have learned how relentless the narcissist can be if you don't just do as he needs you to do at any given moment.
 He had something Ex1 will never have, and that is charm. Ex2 could charm his way through most anything, as long as it was a temporary situation. It take's no time at all, if you are a person of awareness, to see who he really is inside. You just have to observe for a short bit of time. Problem is he works fast enough to get in there while the charm is still masking the reality. And he is an online predator. He does all his work online and by phone. The first time you meet him will most likely be when he is moving in. By the time you see who he really is, he has moved in and gotten you caught up in some drama that brings in a third party that does need you, and then you are fucked. Now you are stuck between telling him to fuck off and abandoning someone who deserves to have someone fight for their safety.  I am convinced now, that the child is a pawn. He loves this child but they are ultimately his bread and butter. They are how he legitimizes himself in the beginning and how he manages to 'get in there' so fast. This is his tool. I would bet my ass that when I booted him, he stopped fighting for this child. This way he could create, once again, a scenario that would breed concern in the next woman that comes along. I'm not sure what he is going to do when this child is too old to use anymore. I suppose it will be the, "Pity me. My child hates me but it's their Mom's fault and not mine! That evil bitch turned my child against me!"  Sick. It's just sick beyond words.
And then there is his violent side. More verbal than physical although physical as well, he holds no limits when he decides to release on you. THIS is the 7 hours I spoke of. This is the 7 hours that altered me internally for life. This is the moment that I crossed the lines of suicidal thoughts on occasion to going as far as taking the blade to my inner wrist, but I couldn't do it. Not any of the 50 times or so that I so desperately wanted out. Instead I cut on the outer wrist. I have more scars from the 7 months I spent with him then I do from the entire 30 years of cutting I did before him. I'm not joking, nor am I exaggerating. Just two days ago I looked down and really absorbed that fact. Do you know what ended the abuse on that fated day that started 1 year ago minus 9 hours at the moment? I finally just released my hold on life, opened the side table drawer and took out the box cutter I had in there from my Wal-Mart employment days... and I took that bitch and started cutting myself open. It was the only thing in all that time that made this person halt in any way. He kept up with the abuse but now it was mixed with fear. It cooled him down enough to let nature take effect and bring him down from his adrenalin rush he had been riding non-stop for 7 hours. He got freaked, he got tired, he calmed down. Fucking asshole. That was the only time ever in all those years that I have ever cut with anybody around. Fucking coward.

So there you have a visual of my last two ex's. Nice right? Put these two together and you might have the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. Fuuuuuuckkkkkkk. 
I'm going away now for a few. Need coffee, to pee, and do some stuff before moving on and editing this horrible post. 

EX1 


EX2

1 and 2 in a nutshell (sexually corrupt and oblivious!)



And Ex2... it's all about the size of your dick...