Sunday, September 8, 2013

Tick Tock Tick Tock and Thank's For The Mind Fuck Subconscious or Happy Fucking 1 Year Anniversary.

I have just woken up after a night of subconscious mind-fucking. Or should I rephrase that as, I just woke up after being mind-fucked by my subconscious all-night? Yes, the second one is far more accurate. 

Today, or tonight rather, is the one year anniversary of the single worst night of my life. Rephrase: Somewhere around 10 pm tonight, August 31 is the official one year since it happened, it being the worst 7 hours of my life, which was really just a horrific piece of a bigger horrible life experience that I am still living as I type. But this, this 7 hours... these were the worst of the worst of life moments. This was a life-altering, soul scarring, destroy a person's will to live, kind of horrible. 

I am going to get to the dream before it disappears as they often do upon waking...
This dream had EX2 in it. EX2 and I have not had any physical or verbal contact since the day after Christmas, and I threw him out the night before New Years Eve. There has been limited texts, awesome threatening texts... and that is about it. I haven't seen his face in a dream in months; that is until last night. Supa. Not. Thanks subconscious. I was fully aware of the date. I did not need to see his face or hear his voice. I did not need to re-experience the pain, fear, disappointment and loss, not of him but his child. I loved his child and I fought for his child, and as soon as he got that kid he was ready to flee. This is a running theme in my life. "Come be with me! Let me carry you to your dreams! Let me hold your hand, carry you on my shoulders, bare the scars of your abuse and drain myself dry mentally, financially and emotionally," and at least on this occasion physically as well. "Come take everything you can and leave with your dream a reality!" Fucking circus. Fucking animals. Fucking people. Fucking 'relationships'
Anyway, Ex2 was saying something about his child somewhere, I have no idea where this place was that I happened to find myself and find him as well, but he was speaking about his child and the pain of not being with them, and for some reason I said, "You could have had me to help." or "You had me to help." Something along those lines. He came up to me and got really close, as he often did, and inside I cowered as I would do now, for sure, but not necessarily on the outside, and he touched my shoulder, almost my lips and he said "you would do that for me?", and I said, "I want to be able to... I did do that for you." And he just started to cry. Just cry. No dramatics or anything. Just tears, and possibly realization. Although, I would be smarter to assume he was crying not for loss or realization, but just for himself. There really is nothing but him in the world, and the few things he allows to visit if they bring with them the proper level of attention that he desires. You disappear when you can't maintain whatever image he has created of you and what you are expected to do for him. You are trash once he is done. Truly, you rate nothing on the human scale, or even the living scale once he is finished, and if you cross him... if you dare to cross him, or step on his toes, or try to warn others of his intentions, as I did... well, you will find yourself watching your back and carrying a weapon for quite some time. Ex2 doesn't have the backbone to do more than talk, just like Ex1, but Ex2 does know people, and he does have the gift of the narcissists verbal ability and charm. Think American Psycho and you have the last two Ex's and the past 15 years of my life with them down to a pretty decent mental example. Ex1 is more American Psycho than Ex2 but Ex2 is more capable of the physical and verbal abuse and suave outer personality. Wait, that is not coming out well. Or maybe it is...
Breathe. Sigh. For example:
Ex1 is dark and deceitful with a very scary stalker, sexual predator side to go with his obsessive physically fit outside. He is not however, charming. At least I never thought so. Charm is a smoothness that Ex1 will never acquire. In fact, Ex1 exudes this jerky, as in broken movement, kind of way about him. Nothing is smooth, ever. Sex is awkward, affection is awkward, anger is awkward, communication is awkward. It's as if EVERYTHING is struggle and it all isn't coming from anyplace genuine, but rather he is internally, frantically searching for the p.c. expectation of the other person, or the 'normal' way he is expected to react. Problem is he rarely finds it in time to react in the moment, so he is always awkward and somewhat detached.  Smart, as in book smart, and cunning enough for your typical girl, but not enough for me, or I wouldn't know about this other side, but I do, because I am a wise Bitch. Book smart only gets you so far. Wisdom reminds you to look in the corners, and under the rugs, but don't forget to look in the tampon box under the sink or in the lining of the tool bag. No, I didn't actually find what I found any of these ways... not with Ex1, although way back in the day before we had the internet, shocking, I know, I did find things about an ex not talked about here, in this manner of searching. ANYWAY... Ex1 is internally and visually American Psycho.

Ex2 has far less of the visual image from A.P. He is however, obsessive compulsive about his things, his clothes, his stuff, yet he has no class at all. None. He reeks of 1978. You know, really bad porno but the chicks all had real tits. Gold chains and shirts buttoned down way too low. Yeah... that's the image. That's Ex2 in a nutshell. He's cute. Don't get me wrong. He could even be hot at times in his past, but he was vastly overweight while with me so... yeah. Personally, I don't give a flying fuck if you look like Ex1 or Ex2 body-wise. That shit means nothing to me anymore, nor does how big or small your dick is. I don't care. WHO you are is what I care about. WHAT kind of person are you? WHEN do you do things? Or do you just talk about it? WHERE have you been and WHAT have you learned and HOW have you changed your way of thinking and being due to this knew wisdom? WHY are you here, now, with me? WHAT do you want from me. Don't say nothing. Nothing is BULLSHIT and I will call you out immediately. No one has ever not wanted something from someone else. We like to think we don't but we do. We always do. WHERE is the proof to back all your tales? This one is big and important because Ex2 had a never-ending stream of tales but nothing to prove any of it. No pictures, no paperwork or forms, only people on occasion who did not actually back him up but nod in that way that says, "anything to get you to leave me alone and not ask anymore." People who have learned how relentless the narcissist can be if you don't just do as he needs you to do at any given moment.
 He had something Ex1 will never have, and that is charm. Ex2 could charm his way through most anything, as long as it was a temporary situation. It take's no time at all, if you are a person of awareness, to see who he really is inside. You just have to observe for a short bit of time. Problem is he works fast enough to get in there while the charm is still masking the reality. And he is an online predator. He does all his work online and by phone. The first time you meet him will most likely be when he is moving in. By the time you see who he really is, he has moved in and gotten you caught up in some drama that brings in a third party that does need you, and then you are fucked. Now you are stuck between telling him to fuck off and abandoning someone who deserves to have someone fight for their safety.  I am convinced now, that the child is a pawn. He loves this child but they are ultimately his bread and butter. They are how he legitimizes himself in the beginning and how he manages to 'get in there' so fast. This is his tool. I would bet my ass that when I booted him, he stopped fighting for this child. This way he could create, once again, a scenario that would breed concern in the next woman that comes along. I'm not sure what he is going to do when this child is too old to use anymore. I suppose it will be the, "Pity me. My child hates me but it's their Mom's fault and not mine! That evil bitch turned my child against me!"  Sick. It's just sick beyond words.
And then there is his violent side. More verbal than physical although physical as well, he holds no limits when he decides to release on you. THIS is the 7 hours I spoke of. This is the 7 hours that altered me internally for life. This is the moment that I crossed the lines of suicidal thoughts on occasion to going as far as taking the blade to my inner wrist, but I couldn't do it. Not any of the 50 times or so that I so desperately wanted out. Instead I cut on the outer wrist. I have more scars from the 7 months I spent with him then I do from the entire 30 years of cutting I did before him. I'm not joking, nor am I exaggerating. Just two days ago I looked down and really absorbed that fact. Do you know what ended the abuse on that fated day that started 1 year ago minus 9 hours at the moment? I finally just released my hold on life, opened the side table drawer and took out the box cutter I had in there from my Wal-Mart employment days... and I took that bitch and started cutting myself open. It was the only thing in all that time that made this person halt in any way. He kept up with the abuse but now it was mixed with fear. It cooled him down enough to let nature take effect and bring him down from his adrenalin rush he had been riding non-stop for 7 hours. He got freaked, he got tired, he calmed down. Fucking asshole. That was the only time ever in all those years that I have ever cut with anybody around. Fucking coward.

So there you have a visual of my last two ex's. Nice right? Put these two together and you might have the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. Fuuuuuuckkkkkkk. 
I'm going away now for a few. Need coffee, to pee, and do some stuff before moving on and editing this horrible post. 



1 and 2 in a nutshell (sexually corrupt and oblivious!)

And Ex2... it's all about the size of your dick...

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