Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Being An Empath is Dangerous. FML

"Chronically traumatised people often exhibit hypervigilant, anxious and agitated behaviour, symptoms such as tension headaches, gastrointestinal disturbances, abdominal pain, back pain, tremors and nausea." 
They don't mention the suicidal thoughts or self abuse caused by all the other symptoms. Or how alone we feel when we realize how we can never ever trust again... EVER. That's where I am. All the symptoms, the reaction to the symptoms and no trust at all. Fucking sick twisted wastes of human flesh. Just making sure that whichever way I end up, surviving or dead, I've left you assholes some words, and I've left my kids something to refer to when they question why and who to blame. It's all here Babies, they are all in this blog among the rants and music and poetry you will find them.

">>  the idealisation stage, where the sociopath shows herself in the best possible light – but this phase is an illusion, to draw her target in the devaluation stage begins gradually so the target is not alert to the sociopath’s transformation to being cold and unfeeling, but will begin to feel devalued at every turn; the more distressed the target becomes, the more the sociopath enjoys her power, and her abuse can become more extreme

the discarding stage – the target is reduced to an object to which the sociopath is indifferent, seeing the game as won; the sociopath rejects any connection, moving on to the next target.
Gaslighting does not happen all at once so, if you suspect in the early stages of a relationship that you are being gaslighted, you can protect yourself by walking away.
To learn more, including how to recover from exposure to a prolonged sociopathic transaction, buy The Empathy Trap: Understanding antisocial personalities by Dr Jane and Tim McGregor (Sheldon Press, ISBN 978-1847092762)."


Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Stay Strong.

And NEVER let anyone tell you that your life's experiences aren't of value. They are as long as you have dealt with them in a way that has made you wiser, stronger and more compassionate. If you are using them for attention, or to stay wounded then you are doing yourself and EVERYONE around the greatest of disservices. You are leading by example and you are doing it in a way that will cause damage. STOP IT! 

Killing What We Love To Appease Our Needs

13+ years I tried to get this point across to P in the literal sense and such, yet each time he would ignore my desire and my reasoning, and get me flowers. He did this knowing that I could not appreciate them, and that I did not desire to watch something die as a sign of affection. And do you know what his excuse was for cheating? Valentines Day. He said that I ruined it every year and this time it just flipped a switch. The funny thing is that every year I would get all 3 of them things that either they desired or would appreciate for V-Day, yet I always got the one thing I voiced that I didn't want... and I was the one sabotaging???? 
It seems P's mindset is NOT rare or at least in my experience as I have now dated two more men who end up taking the masks off and being P all over again... I am so broken. Whatever beacon I have in me that attracts these types needs to be reprogrammed or destroyed. ASAP. Anyway, I love this post and I love the meaning behind it. We try too hard to destroy and/or manipulate the very things we find the most beautiful or sacred. And if it won't stay the way we have tried to shape it... then we try to kill it instead. Sad. And this is why I am cutting D out of my life. He does not see any beauty in me, only flaws that aren't mine but are from the wounds of his past and he expects me to take all the shit and change who I am to fix what he believes they did to him... exactly like P and J. They hate women. They hate women because they won't go back and deal with the wounds left by them, and they all expect any new women in their life to pay for it. Any woman worth her weight would say fuck off, and that is what I am doing. Saying, FUCK OFF. I am a perfectly beautiful person and I don't need to change me to appease your wounds. That is something you have to deal with INSIDE OF YOU, not me. Until they face this they will never have any love worth a damn. Only sad, submissive women who are as fucked up as they are. And these men will bitch and complain about that until they die... it's a vicious cycle of blame. It's ugly and it is weak. Pathetic as well. Period. End of story.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Maturity Has Nothing to Do with Age

"Maturity comes when you stop making excuses and start making changes."

Simple concept, yet it is rare to find in people today. Plenty of people claim it though, but few actually embrace the true meaning. YOU make the choices, therefore YOU carry at least part of the blame for the things that are not working. To fix anything the first step is to stop finger pointing for every damn thing that has gone wrong. Yes, sometimes someone else is the instigator, but come on... everytime? No.

Second step, figure out why you made the choice(s) and what to avoid when life inevitably brings you back to the same intersection. 

Third step is trying again but making a DIFFERENT choice. Making the same one is just wasting your precious life away expecting a different outcome. 

Fourth step is awareness. Really paying attention this time. Really seeing everything without the blinders, preconceived ideas or expectations, and taking the time to analyze everything you take in. Peel away the layers to find the true. Put the shoes on of the other people involved and make a true attempt to see and feel from their perspective and life circumstances. 

Fifth step, BE OPEN. Be open to change, be open to seeing and feeling in a new way. Be open to new perspectives, and new possibilities. 

Sixth step, do not let fear of being wrong or failure stop you from doing any of the other steps. Don't let others ideas, expectations or opinions stop you from opening up you mind, heart and soul to bigger and better possibilities. 

Don't be a sheep. 

Don't fear being alone for a bit. Embrace it. It is a good thing to be alone with yourself for bits of time throughout your life. Discover you without all the 'thems' interfering. 
If you have always been a selfish, live for yourself person, then do the opposite this time. Try living with others in mind. Try making all your choices with a consciousness and awareness of how they will affect others in your life... then make the best choice for all involved, rather than just what you want or think you need. There will never be a balance of wisdom in a person who has never experienced the other half of the life spectrum. You can not live for just you or just them and have a full range of life experiences to base choices on. 
Really living has nothing to do with how much you have traveled, how much money you have or have not made, how many people you have slept with, how much education you have acquired, how clean your house is or is not, how fat or skinny, strong or weak you might be, your sexual orientation, political ideas, religious ideas, or social status... it is about how many people you have touched and how much wisdom you have accumulated... and how you use this knowledge and wisdom in your day to day, minute to minute life. 
So, tell me are you merely existing or are you really living?
How's that working out for you?

I Need To Learn This!!!

Sunday, October 27, 2013

So Stop Fucking It Up! WTF is Wrong with People Today??? LOGIC!

On Writing...

Willie is Wise!!

"As adults we try to relax from the never-ending quest for reason and order by drinking a little whiskey or smoking whatever works for us, but the wisdom isn't in the whiskey or the smoke. The wisdom is in the moments when the madness slips away and we remember the basics.”
― Willie Nelson

30 Red Flags

30 Red Flags

From the book:

There are a lot of phenomenal studies on the traits and characteristics of psychopaths. For professional research, check out Cleckley’s criteria or Hare’s psychopathy checklist. A quick Google search ought to do the trick. The red flags in this book are intended to supplement those resources.

So what’s different about this list? Well, for one, it’s specifically about relationships. But it’s also about you. Each point requires introspection and self-awareness. Because if you want to spot toxic people, you cannot focus entirely on their behavior—that’s only half the battle. You must also come to recognize the looming red flags in your own heart. Then, you will be ready for anything.

1. You feel on-edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You find yourself writing off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you’re in constant competition with others for their attention and praise. They don't seem to care when you leave their side—they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy. (D)

2. Uses sex as a tool for control. After first hooking you with sexual praise and flattery, they suddenly become reclusive and uninterested. They make you feel desperate, ensuring that you are always the one to initiate physical intimacy. They use insulting names like “whore” and “slut” to drive this point home. They might also openly comment on their diminishing sex drive.  (P and J)

3. Plasters your Facebook page with compliments, flattery, songs, and poems. They text you dozens, if not hundreds of times per day. You come to rely on this over-communication as a source of confidence.
(None of them, thank God.)

4. Quickly declares you their soul mate. And for some reason, you don’t find it creepy. They tell you how much they have in common with you. On the first few dates, you do most of the talking and they just can’t believe how perfect you are for them. (D)

5. Compares you to everyone else in their life. Ex-lovers, friends, family members, and your eventual replacement. When idealizing, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. When devaluing, they use these comparisons to hurt you. (All 3 'men')

6. Lies & excuses. There is always an excuse for everything, even things that don’t require excusing. They make up lies faster than you can question them. They will always blame others—it is never their fault. They spend more time rationalizing their behavior than improving it.  (All 3 again)

7. No startle response. Total absence of anxiety, fear, and worry where there otherwise should be. They are also very easily bored by the familiar. You write this off as calm and cool, often feeling inferior and over-sensitive because you have normal human emotions.

8. Insults you with a condescending, joking sort of attitude. Smirks when you try to express yourself. Teasing becomes the primary mode of communication in your relationship. They subtly belittle your intelligence and achievements. If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive and crazy. (D!!)

9. Uses social networking to provoke jealousy and rivalries while maintaining their cover of innocence. They once focused all of their attention on you, but now they post ambiguous videos and statuses to make you doubt your place in their heart. They bait previously denounced exes with old songs and inside jokes. They attend to new activity and ignores yours. (J)

10. You find yourself playing detective. It’s never happened in any other relationship, but suddenly you’re scrolling back years on their Facebook page and albums. Same with their ex. You’re seeking answers to a feeling you can’t quite explain. (ME!)

11. Surrounds themselves with former lovers and potential mates. Brags that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you there is nothing to worry about. These people make you feel jealous and give off the perception that your partner is in high-demand. (D and J)

12. Hyperbolizes emotions while displaying none of them. They make passionate statements like “I’ve never felt so happy in my life” in a completely robotic voice. It sounds like an alien trying to explain how they imagine human emotions might feel. (P)

13. You are the only one who sees their true colors. Others will think they're the nicest person in the world, even though they are used for money, resources, and attention. They won’t care because he/she strategically distracts them with shallow praise (often done over social networking). Psychopaths are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than their relationships. (J)

14. Accuses you of emotions that they are intentionally provoking. They will call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex over social networking for the world to see. They will call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for three days straight. (ALL THREE BASTARDS)

15. Cannot put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else’s for that matter. You find yourself desperately trying to explain how they might feel if you were treating them this way, and they just stare at you blankly. (ALL THREE and my Mom as well)

16. You are engaged in constant conversations about their ex. You know them by name, and you know everything about their relationship—at least, your partner's version of events. The ex becomes one of the most frequent topics of discussion in your relationship. (J)

17. You find yourself explaining the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown man/woman. Normal people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty and kindness. No adult should need to be told how they are making other people feel. (ALL THREE)

18. Focuses on your mistakes and ignores their own. If they're two hours late, don’t forget that you were once five minutes late to your first date. If you point out their mistakes, they will always be quick to turn the conversation back on you.

19. Suddenly and completely bored by you. Gives you the silent treatment and becomes very annoyed that you seem to be interested in continuing the passionate relationship that they created. You are now a chore to them. (ALL THREE and Mom)

20. The ultimate hypocrite. They have extremely high expectations for fidelity, respect, and adoration. After the idealization phase, they will give none of this back to you. They will cheat, lie, insult, and degrade. But you are expected to remain perfect. (ALL THREE AND MOM AND DAD)

21. Sometimes it seems as though they've forgotten who they're supposed to be around you. They adopt different personas for different people—transforming their entire personality to match various audiences. It’s always very eerie when they slip and accidentally use the wrong mask for you. You will start to feel that their personality just doesn’t seem to add up. (Jason, Paul and Mom)

22. An unusual amount of “crazy” people in their past. Any ex-partner or friend who did not come crawling back to them will likely be labeled jealous, bipolar, an alcoholic, or some other nasty smear. They will speak about you the same way to their next target. (ALL OF THEM)

23. Flatters your deepest insecurities. If you’re self-conscious about your looks, they'll call you the sexiest person in the world. If you’ve got a need to entertain, they'll say you’re the funniest person they've ever known. They will also mirror your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart. (Nope. Not a one)

24. Frequently comments about what you’re wearing and how you look. They try to arrange you. You become obsessed with your appearance, noticing flaws that likely don’t even exist. During and after the relationship, you will spend significantly more time in front of the mirror. (Thank you to our member, ckwanderlust, for these valuable insights). (J a bit)

25. You fear that any fight could be your last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that negative conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially ones regarding their behavior. You apologize and forgive quickly, otherwise you know they'll lose interest in you. (ALL OF THEM)

26. Obsessed with humiliating successful, kind & cheerful people. Delighted by the idea of breaking up friendships and marriages. If you work hard to maintain interpersonal peace in your life, they will make it their mission to uproot all of it. (Mom)

27. Gaslighting. Blatantly denies their own manipulative behavior and ignores evidence when confronted with it. They will become angry if you attempt to disprove their delusions with facts. (J!!! D, P, MOM, DAD)

28. They expect you to read their mind. If they stop communicating with you for several days, it’s your fault for not knowing about the plans they never told you about. There will always be a self-victimizing excuse to go along with this. (ALL OF THEM... geezus)

29. Selfishness and a crippling thirst for attention. They drain the energy from you and consume your entire life. Their demand for adoration is insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you feel that anyone with a beating pulse could fit the role. However, the truth is: no one can fill the void of a psychopath’s soul. (D)

30. Your feelings. After a run-in with a psychopath, you will feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, suicidal, and empty. You will tear apart your entire life—spending money, ending friendships, and searching for some sort of reason behind it all. (ALL OF THEM BUT J THE MOST)

You will find that normal, loving people do not raise any of these flags. After an encounter with a psychopath
, most survivors face the struggle of hypervigilance: who can really be trusted? Your gauge will swing back and forth for a while, like a volatile pendulum. You will wonder if you’ve gone absolutely mad—wanting to believe the best in an old friend or a new date, but feeling sick to the stomach when you actually spend time with them.

Developing your intuition is a personal process, but I would leave you with this: the world is mostly full of good people, and you don’t want to miss out on that because you’ve been hurt. Spend some time getting in touch with your feelings. Keep tweaking until you find a comfortable balance of awareness and trust. Look within and understand why you felt the way you did. You will discover that many old relationships may need revisiting. And as you begin to abandon toxic patterns, healthier ones will inevitably appear in their place. 

To quote a longtime member & friend, Phoenix, you will stop asking “Do they like me?” and start asking “Do I like them?”

You can check out the rest of the Psychopath Free book here:

Understanding How Sociopaths Think: Why It is Good to Ask Why

Understanding How Sociopaths Think: Why It is Good to Ask Why

So often during this recovery process, I have been told by others—those who have been targeted by sociopaths and those who have not—that it does not matter why the sociopath did what he did. Focus on you, they said. Figure out why you were vulnerable and what kind of behavior patterns you need to change. It does not matter why the sociopath lied to/cheated on/manipulated you, they said. Focus on YOU! Although they meant well, their words did not help me.

It is absolutely important and necessary to be introspective and learn everything we can about ourselves as we try to crawl our way out of the darkness. However, that kind of self-discovery can and should wait. Before that (and along with it), it is necessary to make sense out of what has happened to us so that we can build a foundation for the work we need to do on ourselves. And for many of us, immediately after we realize we have been deceived and betrayed, the burning thought in our minds is…WHY??? Why did the sociopaths lie so much? Why did they work so hard to convince us that they loved us, only to discard us so callously? Why did they spend so much time with us, if they never, ever cared for us? Whydid they keep things going with us as they pursued other “relationships”? Why did they suddenly turn into completely different people? Why do they make us feel like we are going crazy? And the list goes on and on… 

We can find the answers to these WHY questions by understanding how, exactly, sociopaths operate. By “understanding,” I do not mean that we can or should emotionally understand their behavior or excuse it in ANY way. I mean that we can and should intellectuallyunderstand their behavior because, by doing so, we find new wisdom and we take back our power! Below, I summarize the main concepts I learned about the sociopathic mind from various experts in the field:

Sociopaths lack a conscience 
Sociopaths know the intellectual difference between right and wrong. They understand society’s expectations. They understand what moral behavior is supposed to look like. They even understand that actions have consequences. The problem is, they do not care. They do not feel remorse or guilt. They have no inner compass to guide them, and so they do exactly what they want at any given moment. This lack of conscience means that it does not matter to them if they trample on the rights, feelings, or safety of others. It means that they have no limits and are therefore capable of anything; it is a recipe for endless cruelty and depravity. 

Sociopaths feel a limited range of human emotions
Sociopaths are emotionally crippled. They feel anger, rage, and envy in full force, which fuels aggressive behavior in many of them. But the rest of their emotions are shallow and fleeting. Because of this disability, sociopaths are unable to truly connect with other people. They are unable to have real empathy for others, because they cannot relate to emotional pain. And, most ominously, they are unable to love. This emotional defect also means that they must spend their entire lives watching others and learning to imitate behaviors that they are unable to engage in naturally; in this way, they become demented chameleons. They are pathetic and empty, and this makes them chronically bored. The boredom is almost painful for them, and they will do anything to alleviate it. This contributes to their tendency to act impulsively and recklessly. And ultimately, they will do anything and everything to get rid of their boredom because, having no conscience and no empathy, they do not care who gets hurt in the process. 

Sociopaths view everything in life—including relationships—as games to be won
Sociopaths have an insatiable need to win. This desire to win is so strong that they sometimes will take themselves down in the process of becoming the “winner.” Because they are unable to build real relationships, they view their interactions with others as games. Other people are simply pawns to be played. And because they have no conscience, they make up their own unethical rules for those “games.” They use tactics like mirroring, deception, projection, gaslighting, pity plays, and other forms of emotional and physical abuse to idealize, manipulate, confuse, and intimidate others, all in the name of “winning.”

Sociopaths live to exploit others
The ultimate purpose of every sociopath's life is to do whatever it takes to get what he or she wants at that moment. Since they do not understand love, they view other people as objects to be obtained, used, and then discarded. And so in all their interactions with others, they follow a particular pattern—idealize, devalue, and discard—over and over and over again. They are constantly scoping out potential targets and assessing them as sources of supply; they might want money, a place to live, sex, a cloak of normalcy, or a short-term thrill. They often throw people away suddenly and brutally, ignore them for days, months, or even years, and then contact them again as if no time has passed and all is well. Their desires change unexpectedly and abruptly, and nothing stops them from pursuing those desires in any way they can. 

Sociopaths believe they are superior beings
Sociopaths see nothing wrong with using people and then throwing them away. They feel completely justified in lying, cheating, stealing, and manipulating others. In fact, not only do they see nothing wrong with their behavior, they actually believe that they are incredibly superior to other people! Every time they are able to con their targets, they view that as evidence of the targets’ weakness. And, they do not suffer from low self-esteem or insecurities (although they often pretend to “feel” that way in order to manipulate others). On the contrary, they are egotistical and arrogant. And this makes it impossible for them to benefit from therapy, and it makes it impossible for them to change. Why should they change, when they believe they are already better than everyone else? This, I believe, is the main reason why there is no cure for sociopathy. 

Although it is very difficult to wrap our brains around such a foreign and disturbing way of looking at the world, doing so can help us protect ourselves. I have discovered that all I have learned about sociopathic behavior has helped me put the pieces together of a terrible puzzle, and although it is horrific to see the completed picture, it has also empowered me and enabled me to trust in the truth of my own experience. I hope that it will do the same for you. It is okay to ask why!

For further reading on the topic, please follow this link:

This article was originally published in forum thread: Understanding How Sociopaths Think: Why It is Good to Ask Why started by HealingJourney View original post

Melanie Tonia Evans

Melanie Tonia Evans
October 15

Three levels of 'love'.


"You are an object to get love from."

Result: exploitation, violence.

Co-dependent...DAMION... as I am always disappointing you.

"You are the person to get love from."

Result: Expectations disappointed.


"I am love."

Result: The liberation to give and receive love.

Melanie Tonia Evans
October 14
Is it self-absorbed or selfish to commit to your own inner journey, and decide to partner yourself determinedly with self-acceptance, self-healing and self-love?

Consider this....

What lens does someone view and relate to themselves, life and others when they are emotionally anchored in their childhood wounds, which they have created defence mechanisms around and disowned through addictions and reactive victimised behaviour? DAMION. Since it seems that EVERY women EVER in your life, and you proceed to list your mother, sisters and ex... are bitchy, carry baggage and have controlled your life with these things... or so you have convinced yourself. Guess what. ONLY YOU MAKE YOUR CHOICES. All they ever had the power to do was offer you more to choose from but YOU chose. YOU. YOU. YOU. Until you own that you will never, ever, have anything or appreciate anything good in your life. You will ALWAYS enter relationships with everyone with animosity that the new person has not earned. Therefore dooming ALL chances at a good and balanced life with another person.

What lens does someone view and relate to themselves, life and others when they have healed these inner wounds and are anchored into and responding as their loving adult self?

Which person would you like to be and have in your life loving you?

Melanie Tonia Evans
October 6
People can struggle to realise what 'feeling your pain' productively is really about.

There is an incredible difference between creating transformation and healing as a result of meeting your inner wounds, or crying and raging often without any inner focus or change.

The first process is claiming your wounds with the intent to evolve into self-love, the second version means being your wounds.
Melanie Tonia Evans
October 2
It appears as if the thing or person in your face is what is causing your distress...

But truly, truly what is 'up' for you is often something very, very old that has been trapped inside you for a long, long time.

Changing this person or thing is not your solution

Cleaning up your old hurt is...
Melanie Tonia Evans
September 27
The two extremes of relationship…

A 'cell mate', or a 'soul mate'.

The 'cell-mate' is a relationship attracted and created from the wounded part of the child within - the trying to gain what you did not receive from one or both parents.

The 'soul-mate' is a relationship attracted and created from the adult part of yourself who has taken responsibility for dealing with those inner wounds, and no longer expects someone else to fix them.

The part of you who has re-parented yourself, and therefore knows how to be authentic love, sharing and co-creating.

Joss Whedon's Equality Now speech- On Women

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Narcissistic Abuse - How It Occurs & How To Overcome It - 3 of 3

Narcissistic Abuse - How It Occurs & How To Overcome It - 2 of 3

Narcissistic Abuse - How It Occurs & How To Overcome It - 1 of 3

20 Traits of Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder

 20 Traits of Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder

(J and P)
1. THE PATHOLOGICAL LIAR is skillfully deceptive and very convincing. Avoids accountability by diverting topics, dodging questions, and making up new lies, bluffs or threats when questioned. His memory is self serving as he denies past statements. Constant chaos and diverting from reality is their chosen environment.
Defense Strategy: Verify his words. Do not reveal anything about yourself - he'll use it against you. Head for the door when things don't add up. Don't ask him questions - you'll only be inviting more lies.

2. THE CONTRACT BREAKER agrees to anything then turns around and does the opposite. Marriage, Legal, Custody agreements, normal social/personal protocol are meaningless. This con artist will accuse you of being the contract breaker. Enjoys orchestrating legal action and playing the role of the 'poor me' victim. 
Defense Strategy: Expect him to disregard any agreement. Have Plan B in place. Protect yourself financially and emotionally.

3. THE HIGH ROLLER Successfully plows and backstabs his way to the top. His family a disposable prop in his success facade. Is charismatic, eloquent and intelligent in his field, but often fakes abilities and credentials. Needs to have iron-fisted control, relying on his manipulation skills. Will ruthlessly support, exploit or target others in pursuit of his ever-changing agenda. Mercilessly abuses the power of his position. Uses treachery or terrorism to rule or govern. Potential problem or failure situations are delegated to others. A vindictive bully in the office with no social or personal conscience. Often suspicious and paranoid. Others may support him to further their own Mephistophelian objectives, but this wheeler-dealer leaves them holding the bag. Disappears quickly when consequences loom.
Defense Strategy: Keep your references and resume up to date. Don't get involved in anything illegal. Document thoroughly to protect yourself. Thwarting them may backlash with a cascade of retaliation. Be on the lookout and spot them running for office and vote them out. Educate yourself about corporate bullies

(P and J)
4. THE SEXUAL NARCISSIST is often hypersexual (male or female). Pornography, masturbation, incest are reported by his targets. Anything, anyone, young, old, male/female, are there for his gratification. This predator takes what is available. Can have a preference for 'sado-maso' sexuality. Often easily bored, he demands increasingly deviant stimulation. However, another behaviour exists, the one who withholds sex or emotional support.
Defense Strategy: Expect this type to try to degrade you. Get away from him. Expect him to tell lies about your sexuality to evade exposure of his own.

5. THE BLAME-GAME NARCISSIST never accepts responsibility. Blames others for his failures and circumstances. A master at projection.
Defense Strategy: Learn about projection. Don't take the bait when he blames you. He made the mess, let him clean it up.

6. THE VIOLENT NARCISSIST is a wife-Beater, Murderer, Serial Killer, Stalker, Terrorist. Has a 'chip-on-his-shoulder' attitude. He lashes out and destroys or uses others (particularly women and children) as scapegoats for his aggression or revenge. He has poor impulse control. Fearless and guiltless, he shows bad judgement. He anticipates betrayal, humiliation or punishment, imagines rejection and will reject first to 'get it over with'. He will harass and push to make you pay attention to him and get a reaction. He will try to make you look out of control. Can become dangerous and unpredictable. Has no remorse or regard for the rights of others.
Defense Strategy: Don't antagonize or tip your hand you're leaving. Ask for help from the police and shelters.

(J and P)
7. THE CONTROLLER/MANIPULATOR pits people against each other. Keeps his allies and targets separated. Is verbally skillful at twisting words and actions. Is charismatic and usually gets his way. Often undermines our support network and discourages us from seeing our family and friends. Money is often his objective. Other people's money is even better. He is ruthless, demanding and cruel. This control-freak bully wants you pregnant, isolated and financially dependent on him. Appears pitiful, confused and in need of help. We rush in to help him with our finances, assets, and talents. We may be used as his proxy interacting with others on his behalf as he sets us up to take the fall or enjoys the performance he is directing.
Defense Strategy: Know the 'nature of the beast'. Facing his failure and consequences will be his best lesson. Be suspicious of his motives, and avoid involvement. Don't bail him out.

(J and P)
8. THE SUBSTANCE ABUSER Alcohol, drugs, you name it, this N does it. We see his over-indulgence in food, exercise or sex and his need for instant gratification. Will want you to do likewise.
Defense Strategy: Don't sink to his level. Say No.

(J and P)
9. OUR "SOUL MATE" is cunning and knows who to select and who to avoid. He will come on strong, sweep us off our feet. He seems to have the same values, interests, goals, philosophies, tastes, habits. He admires our intellect, ambition, honesty and sincerity. He wants to marry us quickly. He fakes integrity, appears helpful, comforting, generous in his 'idealization' of us phase. It never lasts. Eventually Jekyll turns into Hyde. His discarded victims suffer emotional and financial devastation. He will very much enjoy the double-dipping attention he gets by cheating. We end the relationship and salvage what we can, or we are discarded quickly as he attaches to a "new perfect soul mate". He is an opportunistic parasite. Our "Knight in Shining Armor" has become our nightmare. Our healing is lengthy.
Defense Strategy: Seek therapy. Learn about this disorder. Know the red flags of their behaviour, and "If he seems too good to be true..." Hide the hurt you feel. Never let him see it. Be watchful for the internet predator.

10. THE QUIET NARCISSIST is socially withdrawn, often dirty, unkempt. Odd thinking is observed. Used as a disguise to appear pitiful to obtain whatever he can.

11. THE SADIST is now the fully-unmasked malignant narcissist. His objective is watching us dangle as he inflicts emotional, financial, physical and verbal cruelty. His enjoyment is all too obvious. He'll be back for more. His pleasure is in getting away with taking other people's assets. His target: women, children, the elderly, anyone vulnerabie.
Defense Strategy: Accept the Jekyll/Hyde reality. Make a "No Contact' rule. Avoid him altogether. End any avenue of vulnerability. Don't allow thoughts of his past 'good guy' image to lessen the reality of his disorder.

(J and P)
12. THE RAGER flies off the handle for little or no provocation. Has a severely disproportionate overreaction. Childish tantrums. His rage can be intimidating. He wants control, attention and compliance. In our hurt and confusion we struggle to make things right. Any reaction is his payoff. He seeks both good or bad attention. Even our fear, crying, yelling, screaming, name calling, hatred are his objectives. If he can get attention by cruelty he will do so. 
Defense Strategy: Manage your responses. Be fully independent. Don't take the bait of his verbal abuse. Expect emotional hurt. Volence is possible.

13. THE BRAINWASHER is very charismatic. He is able to manipulate others to obtain status, control, compliance, money, attention. Often found in religion and politics. He masterfully targets the naive, vulnerable, uneducated or mentally weak.
Defense Strategy. Learn about brainwashing techniques. Listen to your gut instinct. Avoid them.

14. THE RISK-TAKING THRILL-SEEKER never learns from his past follies and bad judgment. Poor impulse control is a hallmark.
Defense Strategy: Don't get involved. Use your own good judgement. Say No.

15. THE PARANOID NARCISSIST is suspicious of everything usually for no reason. Terrified of exposure and may be dangerous if threatened. Suddenly ends relationships if he anticipates exposure or abandonment.
Defense Strategy: Give him no reason to be suspicious of you. Let some things slide. Protect yourself if you anticipate violence.

16. THE IMAGE MAKER will flaunt his 'toys', his children, his wife, his credentials and accomplishments. Admiration, attention, even glances from others, our envy or our fear are his objective. He is never satisfied. We see his arrogance and haughty strut as he demands center stage. He will alter his mask at will to appear pitiful, inept, solicitous, concerned, or haughty and superior. Appears the the perfect father, husband, friend - to those outside his home.
Defense Strategy: Ignore his childlike behaviours. Know his payoff is getting attention, deceiving or abusing others. Provide him with 'supply' to avert problems.

(J and P)
17. THE EMOTIONAL VACUUM is the cruellest blow of all. We learn his lack of empathy. He has deceived us by his cunning ability to mimic human emotions. We are left numbed by the realization. It is incomprehensible and painful. We now remember times we saw his cold vacant eyes and when he showed odd reactions. Those closest to him become objectified and expendable. 
Defense Strategy: Face the reality. They can deceive trained professionals.

18. THE SAINTLY NARCISSIST proclaims high moral standing. Accuses others of immorality. "Hang 'em high" he says about the murderer on the 6:00 news. This hypocrite lies, cheats, schemes, corrupts, abuses, deceives, controls, manipulates and torments while portraying himself of high morals. 
Defense Strategy: Learn the red flags of behaviour. Be suspicious of people claiming high morals. Can be spotted at a church near you.

19. THE CALLING-CARD NARCISSIST forewarns his targets. Early in the relationship he may 'slip up' revealing his nature saying "You need to protect yourself around me" or "Watch out, you never know what I'm up to." We laugh along with him and misinterpret his words. Years later, coping with the devastation left behind, his victims recall the chilling warning. 
Defense Strategy: Know the red flags and be suspicious of the intentions of others.

(P and J)
20. THE PENITENT NARCISSIST says "I've behaved horribly, I'll change, I love you, I'll go for therapy." Appears to 'come clean' admitting past abuse and asking forgiveness. Claims we are at fault and need to change too. The sincerity of his words and actions appear convincing. We learn his words are verbal hooks. He knows our vulnerabilities and what buttons to push. We question our judgement about his disorder. We can disregard "Fool me once..." We hope for change and minimize past abuse. With a successful retargeting attempt, this N will enjoy his second reign of terror even more if we allow him back in our lives.
Defense Strategy: Expect this. Self-impose a "No Contact" rule. Focus on the reality of his disorder. Journal past abusive behavior to remind yourself. Join our support group.

Egomania Full Documentary on Narcissism

The 9 Characteristics of Narcissism

1. An exaggerated or grandiose sense of self importance that isn’t supported by reality. He/she believes that his/her priorities, interests, opinions and beliefs are better than or more important than others and as a result, they feel entitled to dominate and control those around them. He/she can even seem quite modest in public about these views, but usually at home these are evident.

2. A preoccupation with fantasies of extraordinary success, power, beauty or love. He/she lives more in a fantasy world of their own making than in reality of both successes and recognized failures.

3. A belief that he/she is special and unique and only is understood by other special people. He/she sees himself/herself as more special than others, whether it be more accomplished, more feeling, more giving, more ethical, more long suffering, more insightful, etc.

4. An intense need for admiration. When in conversation, he/she can’t listen attentively and will bring the conversation back around to him/her. Often partners of a Narcissist will refer to the one thing they have in common with their Narcissist partner is that they both love him/her.

5. A delusional sense of entitlement. He/she feels that rules, regulations and normal standards don’t apply to them, and also may find hard work, working toward a goal, illness and injury difficult to cope with, as they believe themselves to be above these kinds of common things.

6. A tendency to exploit others without guilt and remorse. He/she is a “user” who may manipulate situations such that others end up doing all the work (the Narcissist often gets the glory), or may end up losing their money. He/she will also promise things that they never deliver on.

7. An absence of meaningful empathy for others. This is almost a universal trait with all Narcissists. He/she is so caught up in their own grandiose fantasy life that they pay no real attention to others in any genuine way. In the courting stage, he/she will use “fake empathy”, but beyond this stage, partners of Narcissists feel completely unsupported and not understood

8. A tendency to be envious or to assume that he/she is the object of others envy. He/she will be very envious if others close by have more than him/her, and will usually express this as contempt, distain and belittling towards them.

9. An arrogant attitude. He/she will often be judgmental and condescending toward anyone who they feel is not up to their high standards and will regularly “put down” others to bolster their own self esteem.

That's J, 8 out of 9. Is it any wonder he drove me to suicidal intentions? And I am still trying to get away from all the internal damage he left me with. Of course if you have read this blog you already see that. I am forever battling the echos of these people in my mind.

P is 4, but he is more Bi-polar with a second personality that is totally narcissistic. I hate personality number 2. He's an evil prick.

D 6, but the degree is still unknown since some was extreme will intoxicated and some is more extreme when sober, but all exist in lesser and more intense degree depending on situation and such.


Friday, October 25, 2013

She Hits the Depression Nail On The Head- Full Force- Perfectly. It Almost Scares Me.

She Hits the Depression Nail On The Head- Full Force- Perfectly.

"Yet there I was, casually wishing that I could stop existing in the same way you'd want to leave an empty room or mute an unbearably repetitive noise. That wasn't the worst part, though. The worst part was deciding to keep going."

I hope Allie doesn't mind this. It may be the one thing at this moment that is keeping me present. I will take it down though if she disapproves... hopefully later on. Not today. Or right now. I'm just grasping for anything to get to the 'keep going' part... <3

A Voice. Depression Sets In. What is the Point? Relief. Phoenix- If I Ever Feel Better.

I think I started this blog to convince myself that my words have value. That despite the fact that no one ever listens to me, much less hears what I am saying, I still have a voice and it  holds value somewhere in this fucking cesspool we call the world, whether anyone around me values it or not.

I am hitting that place in life where I see everything. I don't spend as much time glossing over shit as I did when I was younger. My life sucks but I feel awake and aware. I am noticing how people talk over me, through me, around me. It pisses me off to no end. If I were a dick I could spend all day saying, "I told you so," to people, because I did. I said that. You didn't give it any value, as usual, but I will sit here and listen to your ramblings, I will show you value even if you show me none. What the hell is my damage anyway? Why do I bother. I suppose it is because like most humans, in order to not be completely alone I have to conform to some degree. It's a shitty way to live and I deserve better; I know this. The problem is that the people who listen bore me. Basically, the depth is lacking and I can't get myself to conform to it. I spend too much energy hoping that the people that don't always bore me might take a moment and hear me as well, but it never happens. I just give and they take, as everyone seems to do today.

I take when I can, but people don't offer much and when they do there are always strings attached that I can't or won't accept. Hell, I could be livin' large if I could just play the game. It isn't like there aren't offers, 'cause there are, but damn it, fuck off if you think you can buy me. I just want to be present and seen, have a home that feels like a home instead of a cage and have someone to be connected with on many, many levels. I don't need an overabundance of extras, I would be very happy with the basics and the love, if the love was genuine but again, it never is anything but a facade. Some plan to get something and then it's over and I am left with shit. Huge piles of shit to wade through in an attempt to not drown in the aftermath.

You have to admit that the short time you feel connected and or loved by someone feels damn good, and it makes all the other shit less fucked but why doesn't it ever last? Because it isn't real. It's more bullshit. My generation just does not know how to love anymore. Everyone is wounded and out for theirs I guess. Take all you can and then run with it until  you get to the new person and do it all over again. How horrible. How shallow and vain. How disappointing it all has become. Even when you think you have found someone else who gets it, they turn into one of these people. Every. Fucking. Time.

I don't see much point in life anymore. All the pain and loneliness. All the problems that take so much physically and emotionally only to find yourself in the same exact spot. Weighed down by the chains that never loosen or come off. If one more person tells me it will get better I might just throw my ass off the nearest high building. Seriously, THIS is not better and it is not getting better and it will not be better because I have done everything I can and then more that I didn't want to do and then more that I had to do and it is still as shitty as it was... if life were ever sending me a message or signals, this last few years have been loud and clear, just let it go and give the fuck up.

Maybe I was suppose to die in the past but somehow took a detour and survived past my death date. Maybe this is why it has all become what it is, or something like that. These are the things I think about now. The why's because the hows mean getting people to open up and let you in on what the fuck they were thinking and no one ever wants to tell the truth there. They just give some generic answer or none at all, and the generic answer changes enough to make the bullshit of it obvious. Hell, they probably have no fucking clue why either. No idea why they are so cruel or selfish. Why they lack the ability to value people unless those people are supplying some need that they have. When did the world take this turn?

I can feel the damn depression setting in now. When I let myself think like this it comes like a big storm front rolling in. It amplifies all the empty and dark places and without having anything to grasp it whisks me off to the deepest depths, the core of my being and makes ignoring the thoughts of making this all stop so loud and in my face. They are always echoing in my head these days. Yesterday I borrowed Pauls car to run pick up my A.D.D. meds and I felt normal for about a half hour, driving a car that doesn't scare the fuck out of me, listening to music I want to hear rather than the radio that sucks ass with broken speakers that I have been listening to for a year and a half. I miss my old car so much. I miss that feeling when I drive, which used to be a sanctuary for me. Driving always fed me when I needed to get away, as did the music. I don't even have that anymore, and it is such a small thing that alters my outlook so much. It is all very fucked. It is all very much my own fault for being the dumbass who believed anything that came out of anyones mouth. I should know better than to trust anyone in any way, but I do it again and again. Always looking for some proof that it is not all a waste of time. That THIS has not all been for nothing. It has been though. At least the last few years. The kids are grown. What's left? Nothing, that is what. Nothing at all.

So many scars mark this path and every other path I have attempted to take. It comes down to releasing the only way that works anymore, but can I keep it here or will I flip it and finish it all off one day? I can tell you this, it feels a lot different when I flip it, and it hurts, which it doesn't this way. This way feels like having the plastic bag taken off my head. It feels like sweet relief. Flipping it feels painful and scary and not quite right yet. I'd say that's a good thing but seriously, if it didn't hurt so much...


They say an end can be a start
Feel like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that's in the way

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can try, I can try, I can try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can wait, I can wait, I can wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know


Published by
Lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

Read more: Phoenix - If I Ever Feel Better Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Autistic Kids are Not Animals!

Shirley Valentine- An All-Time Favorite Movie

"I've fallen in love with the idea of living. Because we don't do what we want to do, do we? We do what we have to do and pretend that it's what we want to do. 

And what I want is to stay here and be Shirley Valentine. "

"I've led such a little life. And even that will be over pretty soon. 
I have allowed myself to lead this little life, when inside me there was so much more. And it's all gone unused. And now it never will be. 
Why do we get all this life if we don't ever use it? Why do we get all these feelings and dreams and hopes if we don't ever use them? That's where Shirley Valentine disappeared to. She got lost in all this unused life."

This One is For J... Something Nice. Oy.

"What happened to walking on the outside, closest to the street and all that sh*t?" (

I just read this story on the lost art of chivalry, which I happen to agree with wholeheartedly. I think we have disconnected from everything that made a woman feel 'like a woman' and a man 'feel like a man.' So here is the thing, it's been a LONG time since anyone, any man, has made me feel like a woman. A. LONG. TIME. And I have always been a strong girl that longs to be with someone who would make me feel safe. Never happened, and I am betting it never will, but of all the 'daddy issues' that I should have, this is really the only one that I do have.
After P's awesome destruction of pretty much my entire world, internally and externally (except love, I was not in love at all by then, but that still never prepares you for the level of low people you care about end up capable of, now does it?) I was literally in a state of coma. More like, coma, seizure, coma, seizure. In other words, when I was calm I was a fucking tornado of every emotion imaginable on the inside trapped within this body bag, but when woken up I was a fucking screaming banshee. My anchor was a few online 'friends'. I say 'friends' because in the end, hardly any of them were more than people looking to use me... but I digress. Anyway, one of these 'friends' was J. I'd known him for 7 years online and we had shared off and on our fucked up life struggles.He told me when I needed to rethink an angry Facebook post and he just chatted with me when I needed someone not to hate. Eventually, we decided that we might try pairing up and seeing if together we could get our asses out of the holes we were in. The romance thing was nothing more than flirtatious talk and I had zero intention of that being a part of our plan unless it happened naturally over the course of it. I wasn't aware of his plan to make it happen immediately so that he could use the fuck out of me and abuse me as well, but shit happens and the shit sure as hell happened in epic amounts. This isn't the point of this post though. The point is chivalry.
So I am driving through the parking lot of our local Walmart to pick my kid up from work one day and this couple starts to cross the lot. The guy steps out in front of his girl and raises his arm out as if to protect her from any oncoming cars. At that moment I started to cry. It was such a natural act of love and protection. I am sure she didn't even notice and that he didn't think about it, as us moms don't think about it when we do the same thing in the car when we hit our brakes and throw our arm across the passenger seat to keep our kids from flying forward. I even wrote about it in my journal, as it really hit a nerve in me. P never, ever did anything like this in 13 plus years of being with him and I suddenly knew what I was missing, and I wanted it... badly.
J showed up about a week later. We went to Pechanga to meet his mom and brother at the Beer and Chili festival BBQ thing they have every June. This was his first day here by the way. Anyway, when we were leaving and walking to my car and he did the exact same thing as that guy did near Walmart. I almost cried right there. I didn't say anything to him, but I wrote about it later. I thought, 'Wholly shit, is this a sign?' I should have known better, but I was a desperate girl looking for anything to prove that love still existed. I was a fool in other words, but again, I digress. This one act literally stole my heart. There were others as well, like the way he took care of me when I got drunk, which I NEVER do, but being the Aries that I am, I let him challenge me to 'drink more' and I did, and I paid fully for my stupidity as well.
I guess my point here in this post is to say that although a few lovely acts could never ever wipe away all the horrific things J did and said to me, these few things were still really beautiful moments. Ones I am determined to find within a person who is not out to destroy me, someday. And I guess i'd like to thank him for those acts as well because they gave me something to look for that is a bit more tangible than just someone to love me and not deceive me. So here it is... thank you J.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The Do-It-Yourself Guide to Fighting the Big Motherfuckin' Sad by Adam Gnade

The Do-It-Yourself Guide to Fighting the Big Motherfuckin' Sad NEW BOOK VERSION!
by Adam Gnade   BUY IT! GO ON... GIT TO BUYIN'!!

Excerpt from: The Do-It-Yourself Guide to Fighting the Big Motherfuckin’ Sad book:

1) If you live with monsters you’ll become monstrous. This can be good and it can be bad. You need to keep your perspective and know when it’s time to quit a bad scene.

2) Learn the difference between honesty and being a dick.

3) Once you stop looking for identity you start to die.

4) Don’t sabotage yourself. There are enough people out there who’ll do it for you. Don’t let the assholes win.

5) Read more than you drink.

6) When you feel the Big Motherfuckin’ Sad coming on, scream as loud as you possibly can. It’s good medicine.

7) Remember: If someone is talking shit about someone else to you, they probably talk shit about you too. If they’re doing it on the internet, they’re probably someone you don’t want to be friends with. Know a vendetta when you see one. Shit-talkers are like black mold; they’ll infect you and you might not even know. You don’t need that darkness in your life. Bitterness will jump from them to you.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Do You Get the Message??

the crunch- Bukowski

the crunch

too much too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody.

laughter or


strangers with faces like
the backs of
thumb tacks

armies running through
streets of blood
waving winebottles
bayoneting and fucking

an old guy in a cheap room
with a photograph of M. Monroe.

there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
the hands of a clock

people so tired
either by love or no love.

people just are not good to each other
one on one.

the rich are not good to the rich
the poor are not good to the poor.

we are afraid.

our educational system tells us
that we can all be
big-ass winners

it hasn't told us
about the gutters
or the suicides.

or the terror of one person
aching in one place

unspoken to

watering a plant.

people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.
people are not good to each other.

I suppose they never will be.
I don't ask them to be.

but sometimes I think about

the beads will swing
the clouds will cloud
and the killer will behead the child
like taking a bite out of an ice cream cone.

too much
too little

too fat
too thin
or nobody

more haters than lovers.

people are not good to each other.
perhaps if they were
our deaths would not be so sad.

meanwhile I look at young girls
flowers of chance.

there must be a way.

surely there must be a way that we have not yet
thought of.

who put this brain inside of me?

it cries
it demands
it says that there is a chance.

it will not say

©1977, reprinted with permission of Black Sparrow Press