Friday, October 25, 2013

A Voice. Depression Sets In. What is the Point? Relief. Phoenix- If I Ever Feel Better.

I think I started this blog to convince myself that my words have value. That despite the fact that no one ever listens to me, much less hears what I am saying, I still have a voice and it  holds value somewhere in this fucking cesspool we call the world, whether anyone around me values it or not.

I am hitting that place in life where I see everything. I don't spend as much time glossing over shit as I did when I was younger. My life sucks but I feel awake and aware. I am noticing how people talk over me, through me, around me. It pisses me off to no end. If I were a dick I could spend all day saying, "I told you so," to people, because I did. I said that. You didn't give it any value, as usual, but I will sit here and listen to your ramblings, I will show you value even if you show me none. What the hell is my damage anyway? Why do I bother. I suppose it is because like most humans, in order to not be completely alone I have to conform to some degree. It's a shitty way to live and I deserve better; I know this. The problem is that the people who listen bore me. Basically, the depth is lacking and I can't get myself to conform to it. I spend too much energy hoping that the people that don't always bore me might take a moment and hear me as well, but it never happens. I just give and they take, as everyone seems to do today.

I take when I can, but people don't offer much and when they do there are always strings attached that I can't or won't accept. Hell, I could be livin' large if I could just play the game. It isn't like there aren't offers, 'cause there are, but damn it, fuck off if you think you can buy me. I just want to be present and seen, have a home that feels like a home instead of a cage and have someone to be connected with on many, many levels. I don't need an overabundance of extras, I would be very happy with the basics and the love, if the love was genuine but again, it never is anything but a facade. Some plan to get something and then it's over and I am left with shit. Huge piles of shit to wade through in an attempt to not drown in the aftermath.

You have to admit that the short time you feel connected and or loved by someone feels damn good, and it makes all the other shit less fucked but why doesn't it ever last? Because it isn't real. It's more bullshit. My generation just does not know how to love anymore. Everyone is wounded and out for theirs I guess. Take all you can and then run with it until  you get to the new person and do it all over again. How horrible. How shallow and vain. How disappointing it all has become. Even when you think you have found someone else who gets it, they turn into one of these people. Every. Fucking. Time.

I don't see much point in life anymore. All the pain and loneliness. All the problems that take so much physically and emotionally only to find yourself in the same exact spot. Weighed down by the chains that never loosen or come off. If one more person tells me it will get better I might just throw my ass off the nearest high building. Seriously, THIS is not better and it is not getting better and it will not be better because I have done everything I can and then more that I didn't want to do and then more that I had to do and it is still as shitty as it was... if life were ever sending me a message or signals, this last few years have been loud and clear, just let it go and give the fuck up.

Maybe I was suppose to die in the past but somehow took a detour and survived past my death date. Maybe this is why it has all become what it is, or something like that. These are the things I think about now. The why's because the hows mean getting people to open up and let you in on what the fuck they were thinking and no one ever wants to tell the truth there. They just give some generic answer or none at all, and the generic answer changes enough to make the bullshit of it obvious. Hell, they probably have no fucking clue why either. No idea why they are so cruel or selfish. Why they lack the ability to value people unless those people are supplying some need that they have. When did the world take this turn?

I can feel the damn depression setting in now. When I let myself think like this it comes like a big storm front rolling in. It amplifies all the empty and dark places and without having anything to grasp it whisks me off to the deepest depths, the core of my being and makes ignoring the thoughts of making this all stop so loud and in my face. They are always echoing in my head these days. Yesterday I borrowed Pauls car to run pick up my A.D.D. meds and I felt normal for about a half hour, driving a car that doesn't scare the fuck out of me, listening to music I want to hear rather than the radio that sucks ass with broken speakers that I have been listening to for a year and a half. I miss my old car so much. I miss that feeling when I drive, which used to be a sanctuary for me. Driving always fed me when I needed to get away, as did the music. I don't even have that anymore, and it is such a small thing that alters my outlook so much. It is all very fucked. It is all very much my own fault for being the dumbass who believed anything that came out of anyones mouth. I should know better than to trust anyone in any way, but I do it again and again. Always looking for some proof that it is not all a waste of time. That THIS has not all been for nothing. It has been though. At least the last few years. The kids are grown. What's left? Nothing, that is what. Nothing at all.

So many scars mark this path and every other path I have attempted to take. It comes down to releasing the only way that works anymore, but can I keep it here or will I flip it and finish it all off one day? I can tell you this, it feels a lot different when I flip it, and it hurts, which it doesn't this way. This way feels like having the plastic bag taken off my head. It feels like sweet relief. Flipping it feels painful and scary and not quite right yet. I'd say that's a good thing but seriously, if it didn't hurt so much...

MY ANTHEM

They say an end can be a start
Feel like I've been buried yet I'm still alive
It's like a bad day that never ends
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There are things in my life that I can't control

They say love ain't nothing but a sore
I don't even know what love is
Too many tears have had to fall
Don't you know I'm so tired of it all
I have known terror dizzy spells
Finding out the secrets words won't tell
Whatever it is it can't be named
There's a part of my world that's in the way

You know I don't want to be clever
To be brilliant or superior
True like ice, true like fire
Now I know that a breeze can blow me away
Now I know there's much more dignity
In defeat than in the brightest victory
I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Hang on to the good days
I can lean on my friends
They help me going through hard times
But I'm feeding the enemy
I'm in league with the foe
Blame me for what's happening
I can try, I can try, I can try...

No one knows the hard times I went through
If happiness came I miss the call
The stormy days ain't over
I've tried and lost know I think that I pay the cost
Now I've watched all my castles fall
They were made of dust, after all
Someday all this mess will make me laugh
I can wait, I can wait, I can wait...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

It's like somebody took my place
I ain't even playing my own game
The rules have changed well I didn't know
There are things in my life I can't control
I feel the chaos around me
A thing I don't try to deny
I'd better learn to accept that
There's a part of my life that will go away

Dark is the night, cold is the ground
In the circular solitude of my heart
As one who strives a hill to climb
I am sure I'll come through I don't know how
They say an end can be a start
Feels like I've been buried yet I'm still alive

I'm losing my balance on the tight rope
Tell me please, tell me please, tell me please...

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

If I ever feel better
Remind me to spend some good time with you
You can give me your number
When it's all over I'll let you know

Songwriters
LAURENT MAZZALAI, CHRISTIAN MAZZALAI, THOMAS CROQUET, FREDERIC MOULIN, CHIKARA UEDA

Published by
Lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.



Read more: Phoenix - If I Ever Feel Better Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

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