Friday, October 25, 2013

This One is For J... Something Nice. Oy.

"What happened to walking on the outside, closest to the street and all that sh*t?" (

I just read this story on the lost art of chivalry, which I happen to agree with wholeheartedly. I think we have disconnected from everything that made a woman feel 'like a woman' and a man 'feel like a man.' So here is the thing, it's been a LONG time since anyone, any man, has made me feel like a woman. A. LONG. TIME. And I have always been a strong girl that longs to be with someone who would make me feel safe. Never happened, and I am betting it never will, but of all the 'daddy issues' that I should have, this is really the only one that I do have.
After P's awesome destruction of pretty much my entire world, internally and externally (except love, I was not in love at all by then, but that still never prepares you for the level of low people you care about end up capable of, now does it?) I was literally in a state of coma. More like, coma, seizure, coma, seizure. In other words, when I was calm I was a fucking tornado of every emotion imaginable on the inside trapped within this body bag, but when woken up I was a fucking screaming banshee. My anchor was a few online 'friends'. I say 'friends' because in the end, hardly any of them were more than people looking to use me... but I digress. Anyway, one of these 'friends' was J. I'd known him for 7 years online and we had shared off and on our fucked up life struggles.He told me when I needed to rethink an angry Facebook post and he just chatted with me when I needed someone not to hate. Eventually, we decided that we might try pairing up and seeing if together we could get our asses out of the holes we were in. The romance thing was nothing more than flirtatious talk and I had zero intention of that being a part of our plan unless it happened naturally over the course of it. I wasn't aware of his plan to make it happen immediately so that he could use the fuck out of me and abuse me as well, but shit happens and the shit sure as hell happened in epic amounts. This isn't the point of this post though. The point is chivalry.
So I am driving through the parking lot of our local Walmart to pick my kid up from work one day and this couple starts to cross the lot. The guy steps out in front of his girl and raises his arm out as if to protect her from any oncoming cars. At that moment I started to cry. It was such a natural act of love and protection. I am sure she didn't even notice and that he didn't think about it, as us moms don't think about it when we do the same thing in the car when we hit our brakes and throw our arm across the passenger seat to keep our kids from flying forward. I even wrote about it in my journal, as it really hit a nerve in me. P never, ever did anything like this in 13 plus years of being with him and I suddenly knew what I was missing, and I wanted it... badly.
J showed up about a week later. We went to Pechanga to meet his mom and brother at the Beer and Chili festival BBQ thing they have every June. This was his first day here by the way. Anyway, when we were leaving and walking to my car and he did the exact same thing as that guy did near Walmart. I almost cried right there. I didn't say anything to him, but I wrote about it later. I thought, 'Wholly shit, is this a sign?' I should have known better, but I was a desperate girl looking for anything to prove that love still existed. I was a fool in other words, but again, I digress. This one act literally stole my heart. There were others as well, like the way he took care of me when I got drunk, which I NEVER do, but being the Aries that I am, I let him challenge me to 'drink more' and I did, and I paid fully for my stupidity as well.
I guess my point here in this post is to say that although a few lovely acts could never ever wipe away all the horrific things J did and said to me, these few things were still really beautiful moments. Ones I am determined to find within a person who is not out to destroy me, someday. And I guess i'd like to thank him for those acts as well because they gave me something to look for that is a bit more tangible than just someone to love me and not deceive me. So here it is... thank you J.

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