Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Eventually Everything Dies or Disintegrates.
You put the dog collar on and they applaud but as soon as you attempt to take it off they will yank that cord as hard as they can... this is why you always ran from them. You knew that control was their goal. You knew that to conform to them would be the end of you. And now you go so willingly. Beaten and broken of your own doing. Not seeing how this false reality won't last forever. The real world will be there waiting for you and you will have been coddled and held and made too weak to survive so you will go back to that which made you feel as if you were indestructible or you will allow the collar back on to lead a sheltered life under the thumb of those that use you as you used your drugs and alcohol. YOU are their drugs and alcohol my friend. You don't see how you could have chosen to do do what you did on your own, if you had been willing to let go of the fans and the glee that followed you around and expected you to drink yourself into the 'bigger than' person they all so desperately wished they could be... You could have left this behind and made the choice to leave them and find you again. It would have been hard but you would have still been allowed to be you instead of the fragments of you now mixed with the demands of them, yet again. Trading one ugly mob for another. Trading the fame whores for the money whores.Trading the expected wild freak show for the control freaks. Don't you see? Don't you see? You can not win this way. You can not succeed by being anyone's bitch. LIFE IS this struggle and you HAVE to learn to overcome it in a way that betters you. A way that makes you stronger. A way that makes your soul solid. You have to learn to TRULY believe in who you are without the bottle, the drugs, the fame, the false love. I want to die everyday, but it is because I do not belong here. I can not watch this go on all around me everyday. I can not be beaten and abused for being me and refusing to conform to these control freaks and never be seen as well. Never be acknowledged or find just one person that is the same as me. I just don't want to do it alone anymore. I can stand tall forever. I can let the bitches beat me, but I just don't want to be alone anymore while I take it. It's the being alone part that makes me choose death over this, not my weakness which many will accuse me of. I am not weak. I am tired. I am lonely, BUT I am proud of me and who I am and what I can see that others just won't. I am proud of my scars and my mistakes and my foolish ideas that there is something amazing in everyone, they just have to have the real honest desire to dig it up and accept it. It's too much work. It's too much internal time moving around the lifetime of pains and joys to see the realities and intent that was actually there. It is to painful to admit that you may look foolish or people may look down on you. Fuck that. You do what is true to you and your heart and your soul and you fucking own that shit. But as I said, unless you can find at least one other to share it all with it just becomes too lonely to bear anymore. And this is how I see it. And how I feel. And why I am ready to cut it loose. I have led as many as I can to their needs and deep desires. I have been tossed aside just after as many times I can and I have been disappointed by the lack of integrity or fire to be more than a taker. And it all just depresses me too much to be a part of anymore. And now you. My golden boy. You too fall to the depths of the masses desires. You don't want to believe it yet, or see it or accept it, but you do this to yourself and I am here watching, wondering if I have it in me one more time to be a spectator of another kingdom crumbling to the ground... I don't know... I just don't know.