Thursday, October 3, 2013

Can You Hear the Echo?

I sit here and morn another love... all that is left is the echo of someone I barely got to know, but I knew him enough to know that he is disappearing at a rate I can not adapt to. I worry about who he will become under the thumb of those who desire to put all of his fire out and not just the dangerous part. I have been in his place before. Led around by my collar by the ones who held the cash and used my families needs as a tool to attempt to control me. And I have gone willingly for their sake, so I see it and I recognize it for what it really is and where it is going to lead. This Golden Boy is turning to tarnish. Losing all his glow and being told it is the only way to be well. I don't agree but it is not my path to follow now is it? All I can do is try to decide if I can watch it progress or if it is going to be too much for me to witness. The later seems most likely. Oh, but it hurts to step away and just be passive when so much will be lost, yet there is no way to battle these warriors hell bent on control and the demise of my love. Only he has the power to choose his path and only he holds the key to his strength and convictions. Sadly, this has always been the case but he never seemed to see that the power laid within HIM, not anyone or anything else. His love for me is not true, although I do believe he wishes it so. It still lies with another and she will inevitably come crawling back sooner or later as it seems they have a history of doing this pathetic dance they call love. This is not love though. It is codependency. It is feeding all the demons instead of nourishing the angels. If it was real true love there would not be so much detachment and reattachment. People that have true love do not sleep with other people, even in between break--ups, which also is another sign of something less than love. If both partners do not appreciate one another enough to be true then there is little to bother salvaging. In my opinion of course, but I have been in relationships from my first one at 13 (over a year). I have never dated. I have never had a frivolous affair. My heart has always been invested, even when I had my own bought of selfish behavior, it was with my heart as well as my mind and body. So it seems the deck is stacked against me and this man I love so. I am unclear why the divine chose to bring us together beyond the fact that I am forever finding myself the pawn used to help others achieve what they thought was un-achievable. And I always, ALWAYS get left to the curb as soon as this has been accomplished. Over and over it happens, like a script with different leading actors. And here it has happened again and my heart is once again left to mend itself of yet another slice and more dangling nerves and irreparable valves. So, if this was the only way to save him then so be it, but this is my last time playing this role. I'd rather be a lonely hermit then continue on this path anymore. I will miss him the most however, as he truly is the one I should have found peace with... I will miss you so much. I don't want to see who you become either. I can't bare to see you with anyone else or AS anyone else. 

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