Saturday, November 30, 2013

Find It.



Dreams. Sometimes They Are Glaringly Obvious.

I had this dream that I walked into an apartment/house, walked down the hall towards a door but when I got to the door it was a wall. When I turned to go back... another wall. Basically, I was now in a standing coffin. One second of panic, then I punch the wall. Punch it again, and I am back in the hall. Turn to another door and nope. Wall, again. Coffin, again. Punch again, then off we go. This goes on... Now as dreams go this is about as clear as they get since it is a perfect description of my life, but Man, I REALLY would like a SOLUTION. LOL!   

A person can only punch down so many coffin walls in a row.

Image thanks to:

Fight or Give Up and Die

Friday, November 29, 2013

And I Am Now Parentless- Figuratively

Well the move is off. I am now preparing for vehicle living. If I can stay where I am long enough to get my tax refund then I guess it'll be the vagabond life.

My generations parents are some of the worst examples of common decency, responsibility and selflessness on record. I am 0-0 with neither 'parent' having a selfless bone in their bodies. Even when one of them did do something that seems caring, there WERE ALWAYS strings attached and a lifetime of being jabbed about it basically voiding any form of care involved. If 4 of us could live in 945 sqr ft house and we still took my mom in for two years, I am pretty sure sharing a 3 bedroom home with a kitchen and livingroom the size of our entire old house wouldn't be difficult to share with your child and grandchild for a few months. Particularly if is the difference between being homeless or not. I believe that if you had in fact abandoned your own child not once, not twice, but several times during their youth to be with some piece of shit abusive prick, that you might want make amends with that and finally lend a helping hand. But no. No. This is too much to ask a person you have been there for your entire life EVEN THOUGH THEY FUCKED YOU OVER AND OVER AND OVER throughout your own. I'm 46 years old. I am done forgiving and ignoring all the cruelty of my parents selfishness. I think it is time for them of both to just get the fuck out of my life for good this time... Oh, and happy fucking holidays. It was a fucking fantastic Thanksgiving. Thanks 'Mom'.

I did get to see D though, which was great since he looked really good, even considering the shitty life circumstances. And my son got to meet one of his cousins, finally. That was great. They reminded me of one another more than once, so seeing them side by side was a treat. We did however, make a motley crew of the down and out as a group. Oh, and I got to drive from Fullerton to almost San Diego County in rain WITH NO WINDSHIELD WIPERS at 4am. THAT was FUN.

Oh yes, and let me not forget to thank F for thinking he could text me on Thanksgiving and I might actually reply. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? Feel free to join my parents Asshole. You all should start a commune for people who fucking suck it. Had I know you had a 'history' of 'bad shit' with women I never would have spoken to you in the first place. Way to be a man. \

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Food Is Love; And Feeding People Makes Me HAPPY!!

Gloomy sunday - Billie Holiday (subtítulos en español)

Not Much Posting This Week

The moving has begun, so I am not posting much this week. I am embarking on finals as well, so it will be a stressful, yet exciting week of attempting to wrap my mind around school work and then packing and hauling and back to school work again, and so on.

We are moving to a VERY rural area with limited internet, so I am concerned about that but it is so beautiful and quiet there that I can't help but be excited by the prospect. The sky is A MA ZING at night. The silence is awe inspiring as well. I am so sick of the noise of this city. The screaming kids, the sirens 24/7, the cars with their bass at all hours of the day and night, and the sounds of this house. I am most happy to be leaving them. It will feel good to finally disconnect from the disfunction here, even if it ends up disfunction up there, it will be NEW and I am ready for new. I want to use the downtime from the internet to reconnect with my creative side, and meet the people of the community. I have always wanted to live in a small community where people know one another and help one another. So, we will see how I adjust. And, Palm Springs is just a lovely down hill drive away with one of the most amazing sight-seeing pull off's off the highway at night I have ever seen. Palm Springs at night is a gorgeous gold with a black backdrop and if the moon is full it is breathtaking.

So I am hoping for less emotional spewage of a negative variety since I will not have any men interfering on my life anymore and I won't have all this pent up anger at the ex and his gf either. Glory be! I will never have to hear them fuck again! Ain't life grand?!

As scared as I am I am also as excited for the opportunity for new. New anything and new everything. I am also brushing up my camping skills for the days without electricity, hot water, heat, internet and battery recharging. Gotta be prepared to survive! As long as we don't burn in one of the many fires this area is known for I think I will manage!

I have high hope but realistic expectations. Here is to a new year and a new life. New focus and new aspirations. Maybe a good man will actually fall in love with me as well? One who won't pretend but actually feel it. We will see. If not, I will manage. I just kind of miss touch and someone to share things with...

Choices Have Consequences

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Why No One Will Ever Come Before My Kids.

Miracles happen between midnight and 6am when you're in college. You got this momma. Just remember how you've made presidents honor roll despite all your struggles and I'm over here like not getting honor roll ever. Love you to the moon and back again x1000.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

WOW. What a Week of TOTAL CRAP.

Another male shows his true colors, which wouldn't have been too shocking had it not been someone I have known for over 30 years. My ex-sister-in-law does the exact same thing most of my friends and family have done, which is to let me down by their 'good intentions' that end up merely words for their own comfort. Of course, in this case we are talking about the difference between homeless and having a roof over not only my own head but my sons as well, so it's a pretty big fucking deal to us. And let us not forget my mother's sudden email tonight telling me how she is 'unsure' about us moving up to her house. We have exactly 7 days to get out of here, and my finals are starting up as well plus my normal school work load AND I have been suffering from this shit my ex infected me with. Oh, and my car now leaks a full bottle of steering fluid every 48 hours to go with the expired tags of 2 years, cracked axle, bad tires, NO BRAKES, and oil leaking issue as well.
I mean can the universes really think that I deserve this? This is only 1 single week of shit. How much is a person suppose to take, alone, broke, without friends or family to turn to and health issues up the ass as well?? Fuck, I am scared to breath anymore. And if one more guy trys to fuck me over I may go Lorena Bobbitt on his ass. I can't possibly be more honest with people yet they just ignore everything and fuck me over again and again. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE SLEEP AT NIGHT???? HOW THE FUCK DO YOU LOOK YOURSELVES IN THE MIRROR? HOW?????????? This is quite possibly the most disheartening fact for me to deal with. The world is full of people like this and they keep finding me, and THAT is what makes the suicide seem so completely logical. No one in their right mind would want this shit day in and day out and if this shit is all there is for me then why the fuck would I subject myself to another 30 or 40 years of it? I can't find just one single true person to have in my life. Not one. Not even the ones who should be there, like family, are. Since my grandfather passed away my life has gone into a spiral of shit and more shit. He was the only person I knew loved me for most of my life. He was the only person I could ever trust or rely on and he ALWAYS had my kids best interest at heart as well. It's been almost 18 years since he passed and still no one has even touched caring for me one ounce as much as he did. I miss him. He was harsh at times, and due to the generational gap, difficult to communicate with as well, BUT I always knew that what he did was from his heart and not to be unkind. Even when I didn't agree, I knew this. He taught me so much and I will forever be thankful for him.
Now, I just wish I knew how to start to repair all this damage. Where do I even begin? If I don't have a home or a car or money/job or friends or family or love... where do I begin??? And how do I protect my son as well?
Fuck. I miss my daughter too. I haven't seen her in over a month. I wouldn't want to see me either if I was her. It's got to suck to have me as a mom when I have nothing to give her and the example I am showing is that of pathetic victim, no matter how hard I try not to be one.
I HATE THIS LIFE. FUCK YOU LIFE. FUCK YOU PEOPLE THAT FUCKED ME. I wasn't even smart enough to drink or do drugs. At least then I would have felt less and had some idea why this is all happening to me. But no. No idea. None. Nada.

Lyrics for Aaron Evans Featuring Generik- We All Work Enjoy!

"We all work, we all struggle,
we all bend our backs backward trying not to burst the bubble.
We all pray, we all hustle,
throwing set after set try'n to rep with some muscle.
We all trip, we all stumble, 

we all have to rebuild from the ashes and rubble.
So be brave, yet be humble,
and keep sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.

If every two steps forward, you take one step back,
you're still one step further, than where you were at.
See progress is a process of inches not miles,
so quickly cut your losses and remember to smile.
Believe me, I never said it'd be easy,
but every mighty oak started out as a seedling.
Searching for nourishment purpose and meaning,
breaking out of boxes accepting no ceiling.
See the worlds on your back, 
and you don't feel like atlas,
but perfection takes time,
remember to practice.
Crawl, before you walk, walk before you run,
strengthen your wings if setting course for the sun.
See you'll have to be patient,
learn not to jump the gun.
Learn the life that you've lived,
and the life that's to come.
Yeah I dream of a day we can play and have fun,
but I won't stop fighting till the battle is won.
"We all work, we all struggle,
we all bend our backs backward trying not to burst the bubble.
We all pray, we all hustle,
throwing set after set try'n to rep with some muscle.
We all trip, we all stumble,
we all have to rebuild from the ashes and rubble.
So be brave, yet be humble,
and keep sight of the light at the end of the tunnel.

We'll you tried pinching pennies, but they kept pinching back,
so your nest eggs red, when once it was black (*edit, no ones perfect.)
Plus your tuning fork broke, and a new one ain't free,
but sometimes the best songs are sung out of key.
See credit ain't accepted where moments are priceless,
but a sense of adventure, more than suffices.
Trust me, dude I've gone hungry,
sang in the rain till my tin cup was rusty.
But sometimes in life you just have to keep breathing, 
catch carpediem, look for deeper meaning.
Pick yourself up, brush off your shoulders,
focus on focus, remember the lotus.
Find Zen within, the wall crashing in,
sometimes forest burn so new life can begin.
But you'll have to be brave, and you'll have to be humble, 
but you'll get to the light at the end of the tunnel!

"We all work, we all struggle,
we all bend our backs backward trying not to burst the bubble.
We all pray, we all hustle,
throwing set after set try'n to rep with some muscle.
We all trip, we all stumble,
we all have to rebuild from the ashes and rubble.
But be brave, yet be humble,
and keep sight of the light at the end of the tunnel."

Shine on...


Still Searching For This Place...

Thank God I Have This

I may have shit luck with romance, but I still have a friend or 2 that love me... Thanks Mel! 

Friday, November 22, 2013

HIGHWAY SING-A-LONG: Valentine's Edition (Backstreet Boys)

F- Why You Are Not A Part of My Life Anymore.

Why You Are Not A Part of My Life Anymore.
Disrespect, a total lack of compassion for my current 'issues' and the childish attempt to inflict peer pressure on me. SERIOUSLY? WHEN have I EVER bowed down to pressure by a peer, particularly of the sort you dished out? Do you remember something I don't from the past 30+ years? I'll tell you... NEVER. If that means I am alone forever, then so be it. If you are looking for trash then you came to the wrong place. You are surrounded by exactly what you want, so why the fuck are you trying to change me into it as well??? You are a sick fuck for that. Seriously. You want what you can't have so you can destroy it. Is that what happened to the ex? I would never have believed it until last night. Now I question everything and I don't even care what the answers are because you showed me exactly what you are really made of. WTG. You are 1 of a billion other sad boys playing men.
To think I thought you might be unique. I thought you might be somewhat above the usual middle school mentality men I encounter everyday. Nope. You are just another sheep. No progression or growth or internal fortitude at all.
Later asshole.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

"Alone" by Edgar Allan Poe (read by Tom O'Bedlam)

Another verse that speaks to me.

"If" by Rudyard Kipling (read by Tom O'Bedlam)

One of my ALL TIME favorite verses. I ADORE this. I still work at some of it, but I try to live up to this with everything I have... 

Layers of Truth

Aaron Evans Feat. Generik - "We All Work" - A Trolley Show

A Troubled Boy Was Asked A Pointed Question From The Drill Sergeant. Nobody Expected This Reply [W/VIDEO] ‹

A Troubled Boy Was Asked A Pointed Question From The Drill Sergeant. Nobody Expected This Reply [W/VIDEO] ‹

Monday, November 18, 2013

Find Your Creative Flow State (+playlist)

Love, Loss and Symbolic Death (+playlist)

Someday I Will Find Him

Robert Hutchings

"My true inner expression began with the shutdown of my being. After a time, the search in the external world for sens(e)ible people, with sensible information, and rebelling against the insens(e)ible, sent my body into a temporary paralysis state...The disconnection was devastatingly painful, and raw, broken and depressing. Somewhere beyond the suffering, however, I found a sanctuary. I created wellness, through focus upon the spirit of creation and the innate knowledge that life, natural and flowing, is our ‘therapist’ to guide us, if we pause long enough to reflect in its teaching." (Robert Hutchings)

Pimping Your Deity.

Today, in my spam box (LOL. That kind of sounds kinky) I saw an email from someone using Jesus' name to pimp their carpet cleaning business. I'm sorry, but I do not 'get' pimping your belief system to create false trust or confidence in you or your business that you or your business should be earning. I just don't understand how anyone feels safer using the services of people who do not value the sanctity of their beliefs. In fact, for me, I have the opposite reaction. I run from businesses and people that do this. The blatant lack of respect alone is a sign for me to just walk away... fast. It is one thing to share kindness in words or pictures, to share words of wisdom and deep thought, but to use your God or deity by name by 'connection' seems as ugly as name dropping in groups to up your own status. 

I guess my idea of faith, respect and such is just one more way I will never quite fit in with this world and it's odd ideas and actions. If it wasn't so damn lonely I'd be perfectly happy with that too!! 

30 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Die.

30 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Die.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

I Feel Good To Some Degree. Thank You D.

I want to express my deep felt thanks to D. for calling me today. I am so very proud of him and how far he has come. It has been no small task by any means to achieve what he has thus far. I have always seen this ability in him, but I honestly have never see it come to fruition in anyone, particularly from someone coming from such a dark place. He amazes me and is an inspiration. I wish I had words to express it, but I just can't find any that truly fit. He's a good man and it is nice to see that he is beginning to see it within himself as well. He deserves everything his heart desires and I have faith that he will get it.  he has hurt me deeply in the past, but he has saved my life before as well. Now he gives me hope and someone to turn to when I think I can't find my own way out of this shit. I love you D. You will always have a place in my heart and I am proud to call you a friend. 

Friday, November 15, 2013

Just In Case

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, Stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them.” Iyanla Vanzant

(As a warning: this was written with all intent and purposes to end my life. Razor in lap, pills in lap, water to my side. By the time I was done though, I was breathing again. So don't go suddenly giving a shit when you didn't before, and like, call the cops or anything. I'm alive. I don't know why, but I am. Of course, this is assuming any one at all reads this, which no one does; no matter what the fucking reader count claims. And, if it helps, I promised D if he got help I would as well. He did. I didn't. If I can manage to force myself to than tomorrow I will be calling the numbers the doctor gave me yesterday. I'm an asshole for not keeping my promise. Time to put up or shut up I guess.)

I have two of the most beautiful and amazing kids on this planet. They never stop amazing me or making me proud. I hope I have somehow given them everything I possibly could to make it in this fucked up world. I hope they see how truly loved they will always be by me as well. There is nothing or no one in any universe or in all the lands that measure my love for these kids. Since I won't always be here to tell them that I want to make sure they know it as a truth and that no matter what I will always be with them. Every second or every minute of every hour of every day. They will never be alone, even when it feels like they are, they are not. I love my mom as well. I never haven't loved her although loving her has had it difficult 'moments'. She has always been around in some form, which is leaps and bounds from my father, who pretty much rates all by the all-mighty dollar, so of course, I never really rated much and I never will. My mom, she always loved me. Maybe not the way I wanted or needed but in the best way she knew how. It saddens me that her life has been so much disappointment, but she really quit trying a long time ago. She has a money issue as well and it is hard for her to really see the true value of others amid the money, but she does see some value and that's a good thing.
I don't have anything to say to P. With the new added health issues based on his infidelity, I think the best thing I can do right now is say nothing. It isn't even worth the time anymore to connect to all that shit before, or since. Some people will never change nor will they see what their selfishness has done to others. I should just add J in with P. They aren't much different in the end.
D. is another story, and for as hurt and angry as I have been at him, I continue to see something else under all that anger and pain. I hope he taps into it without the extra help someday, and does all the amazing work he is capable of. His song is still one of my all time favorite things to listen to. I am listening to it now. It is haunting and it feels like me at this moment except, it has a bit more hope within it. I love ya Kid. I know you hate that but tough. I say I with nothing but love.
F. man, you. You were the one. You were the one. I can't make you see though and I can't seem to do anything that satisfies anymore unless I lower myself, and I won't do it. I worked too hard through all this shit to see what I see and I won't pretend to appease you or anyone else. That should make a person feel more confident in knowing me, but for some reason I get the opposite reaction. I guess I don't understand and never will. Hell, even when I do lower myself to a typical chick level I get nothing. Abso fucking lutely nothing. I guess I won't ever break the 'how to keep a man on a leash' code before I die. Bummer. But dude, you rocked my little world for like 30 years. My little secret crush that was my tiny ray of light to possibility when everything else looked dead. All those random texts over the last few years made my day in ways you will never fully grasp. J told me that I expected more from him then he could ever be... maybe you feel this way too, but guess what boys? I just wanted to be cared for and seen and treated with some dignity. I didn't actually expect anything more. I hoped for more but I NEVER expected more. You don't grow up the way I did and expect much of anything positive. The bad stuff, sure. That always comes. It comes, and comes and comes. Fucking relentless. Anyway. Sorry I fucked up your fantasy about me as well. I never pretended to be anyone but me and that is what you got and saw. Yes, at my rock bottom, but was I really that bad? Considering? Maybe I was. I don't care at the moment. My intentions were always pure of heart, for everyone mentioned here.
Phil, you know I love you. You turned out well after all! I always knew you would, you just hit a few bumps. Mikey. I loves you. Always my BFF. Maybe you will win the lottery and marry the man of your dreams and rule this ugly world! The Funderburgs for being there when they didn't have to be and showing me the way. My kids were lucky I had you guys! Brennan, my son. I love you. Keep going Kid. You are on the path to greatness. Keep an eye on Ry for me. She's gonna be mad at me for awhile I fear. I wish I knew someone would take care of Cam too, but sadly, he seems to be forever stuck with my horrific people skills. I've pretty much kept going this long for him. I can't carry him forever though and I can't manage myself anymore either. I am so so sorry for that. I just can't find any light anymore and the weight is breaking me down to nothing. I am nothing, except sad, lonely and scared. It's no way to live.
Of my shit, trash it all except the bins with photos and maybe my stuff from school. I'd like to think my grandbabies would get a kick out of all the old punk stuff and such. Ones in my room and the other is in the garage. Anyone not mentioned is not forgotten. I am just too tired to go deeper.
Oh, and if anyone cares and is asking, 'why didn't she call someone or ask for help?' I did. Thanks F. I guess I should have put a little more drama into it or what? Sent a fucking picture of me crying, slicing, taking the pills? What? I guess you have to be bullshitting to actually get any attention these days. I didn't call D because his load is heavy enough and he doesn't like me much these days, plus he already talked me down once. He doesn't need my shit again on his shoulders. It's not his load now. I wouldn't put this shit on my kids. Who is left? No one. Except Mike and he too has enough to deal with. Plus, for all the fucking phones and communications we have today, the reality is that no one answers. No one replies, no one is actually paying attention. So, there was really no point in going beyond F. I figured if he didn't reply then no one else will either. And you all know it is true in the back of your minds and hearts. People never care anymore until it's too late. That's just the state of the world you live in folks. I think I am hitting angry now, and I don't want to be in that. ~Yeah. I hit angry. Texted F like a little bitch girl. I was honest but mean as well. I can't believe how easy it is to be seen if you act like an asshole, but not if you have some self respect or integrity. Seriously people. It this what you want your kids and grand kids to know as normal? The more drama you create the more attention you will get, and that there is no other way?? NONE?  And I just fucking lowered myself to test this theory. Even now, when I am hanging by a god damn thread, I try to be heard or seen. And I fail miserably. And people are actually going to wonder WHY I did this? If they do then they need a reality check. I suppose I should have gotten drunk though. I guess I fucked that part up. If I was drunk and texted I bet I'd get all kinds of attention. No. No I wouldn't. It just isn't in the cards for me to be alive and stay sane. Or to beg for a little bit of compassion and get it. Or possibly to die, because now I kind of don't want to at the moment. I'd like to punch a bitch, and scream a lot and maybe break some stuff, and hug someone who gives a shit, but I. Don't. Want. To. Die. At. This. Very. Moment. Maybe later...

As an afterthought of this I did finally realize what I so desperately seem to need at these moments. I figured it out when I texted F to apologize (None of which have been acknowledged btw. And him being the catalyst to tonight's walk on the edge of death, so it isn't surprising being totally abandoned.). I need someone to just show up and hold me. I guess I need to know that I am valued enough to do that. I've done it so many times in the past for others. It pains me to know I am not worthy. That is what happens when the kids grow up. No one notices or cares when you just need to feel some love. Suddenly no one is there anymore and no one gives a shit to come when you bleed either or hell, even when they make plans to come, they don't. It makes for a horribly painful image of the next 30 or 40 years.

If I were one of the lucky people I wouldn't care where that 'love' came from and I would go find it somewhere cheap and easy, but you can't unlearn life. You can't turn yourself into a dumbed down version of yourself, and oddly all the reasons people fall in love with you in the beginning end up the things they seek to change or destroy in you by the end. Even funnier is how fast the end comes these days. I mean for fucks sake people. Is there any point at all to using the word 'relationship' anymore. It's more like a few weeks of high school level interaction. And the kids today, like my daughter, are the ones in long term relationships while the adults are acting like fucking pathetic kids with no control, wisdom or intention of actually being a part of anything real and long term; even though they preach wanting all of this in the beginning. It says a lot about the sad fate of society today and the adults living in it. So does the fact that THIS IS EXACTLY what we talk about in the beginning, and then it happens; suddenly they are one of THEM. It's like tainted water or someone has drugged them. It's fear. I know this, but I don't understand running FOR something SO DAMN HARD, and then just purposefully fucking it up. Why run to it at all? If you are so damn scared, for hell's sake, leave it alone. At least that way SOMEDAY you might be strong and wise enough to get what you wanted.

The way it goes today it's just a collision course of mass destruction with confused and injured people watching the drivers speed away. It feels like being victimized over and over again. It feels like my youth, when the men would sneak in my room and try to fuck with me after buying drugs off my parents. They seem nice enough in a crowd, but when they sneak in your room you know shit is not right. And it is scary. It is confusing. It is bullshit. It's got to stop. If it isn't going to stop, we have to find a way to protect ourselves. I haven't figured that one out yet. No amount of time knowing a person seems to make any difference at all. No matter how many other people say that a person is great doesn't seem to mean anything anymore either. There has to be a way. Geezus.

So I guess I just realized my abandonment issues and my victimization issues all at one time. Well, there you go. That explains why I am ending up with men like this. It's all I know. It's all I come from. It's the family pattern. Fuck an A. I am a total fucking cliche'. A statistic.

Now what?

(On a different note... did you see how writing is therapy for me? How I don't know what I am writing until it's there? How the epiphanies happen when I am at my rawest? This is why I blog. I am not trying to be hurtful or create drama or get attention; at least not the negative attention and such of strangers. Maybe, something from one of these people might be nice but we all know that isn't going to happen. I do it to figure it all out. It happens faster when you have life partners, friends and family in your life but I don't. I have me. That is it. Just me. This is as close to a conversation I am going to get unless another man pops up.
(One did btw. Within two hours of F blowing me off, but I am not interested and it was really friggin weird as well. It's as if there is a line, and each person shows up and when one goes, some screams next! and a new person is right there. I mean it is almost scaring me. Something isn't right in the world I am living in. Someone somewhere is fucking with me big time or just finds this all quite entertaining.)

Still I say, now what?

Passionate, Soft, Gentle, Warm, Easy, Authentic, Long Lasting, Secure, Well being, Individual expansion, relationship expansion, supportive, generous, adoring, appreciating, Lighthearted, Easy to feel good, Interesting, fulfilling, Romantic, abundant

One of the best feelings in life is discovering that you are appreciated by someone regardless of how unworthy someone else has made you feel.

be raw. be unguarded. be crazy.

It All Comes Down To This:

We are all alone.
We are all lonely.
We are all damaged.
We are all searching for something we either can't find, define or keep ahold of.
Many of us are looking for what we never were afforded as children.
Again, a common bond that destroys rather than strengthens.

You would think this would bring people together or closer. Isn't it odd how it does the opposite?

No wonder we are a nation of alcoholics, drug addicts, food addicts, sex addicts, porn addicts, compulsive liars, animosity filled adults, money hoarders, spenders, control freaks and depressives. Few of us have a clue where we are going, if anywhere, or how we ended up where we are today, which oftentimes is nowhere... just here.

We create chaos for the sake of nothing more than to avoid the real issues, then we bitch about the chaos as well. We stay in relationships that died ages ago because they are easy, they are familiar, they are chaotic. Less work for your daily output. Something to complain about. Someone else to blame.

When we leave or it ends, we fight over the shit as well. We fight over every last piece of materialistic shit rather than just embracing the feeling of less weight on our soul and a new freedom to go forth. We cyberstalk one another, but won't engage in anything meaningful, but we refuse to detach that last damn thread that keeps us painfully aware of one anothers existence. We torture ourselves with our pain or our anger and we are never at fault for the mess.

None of us know our ass from a hole in the wall.

So I guess we all just bleed in silence and wait to die.

Help Me Understand

Help me understand why I should take the brunt of the damage caused by someone else? Has anyone or man ever considered that they are destroying every damn relationship with the crap from their past relating to women? Moms, sisters, grandmothers, girlfriends, ex-wives? THESE ARE THE PEOPLE YOU ARE ANGRY WITH. THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT HURT YOU. THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE TO EITHER DEAL WITH, FORGIVE, OR LET GO OF. I am not a saint, but I am not going to be anyone's fucking verbal or otherwise, punching bag anymore. They have pills and therapy for that shit. And what really pisses me off is how incapable these men seem to be at seeing the wreckage they leave behind them. It is so painful to take abuse you haven't earned and then lose the people you love because they just can't see, and they don't care enough to mend anything. Not even the people they say they love get treated with any respect or dignity. To leave a person broken like that is unforgivable, yet some of us do try to forgive, because we understand the pain, we just don't understand the desire to inflict it upon others. I have experienced more inflicted pain in the past 2 years then possibly my entire life's rest all together, and I still haven't retaliated. Not because I don't want to. Not because EVERYONE isn't telling me I should, because they are. Not because I don't have a dark enough side of me to connect to, because trust me, I do, but because I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be someone that hurts others intentionally. I get no pride or enjoyment out of it. In fact, I just feel like shit about it. Then I carry that weight around with me for ages because it is ugly, selfish behavior. And I don't want to forget that. I don't want to forget how I made another person feel bad. I even feel like shit about this blog. I feel like shit for calling out the men who have pained me so and pointing out the hows of it, but you see, someone has to. Someone has to put their foot down and say that this shit is wrong and it hurts. It hurts bad. And since these are the kind of men that don't allow people to say what they need to say so they can move on and heal, then I am saying here. In the hope that maybe one day one of these men will see it and will think about it and will maybe acknowledge their damaging behavior. I know that statistically this isn't going to happen. These are men who never change according to therapists and such, but I always have that little bit of hope. And it is that hope that has been the bane of my existence. That hope that makes me keep trying to trust someone, to love someone and to be a good person. So far it has been horrifying. I am not sure if that means I should just become a bar whore and say fuck it to love or if I should just become a shut in and say fuck it to love or if I should keep on trying risking what little life I have left in me. I don't know. I don't know shit anymore. None of us do.  And that my friends, is a damn shame.

My Heart Bleeds.

That's all I got people. My heart bleeds. 

Yeah Yeah... I Know... I Kinda Rock! LOL!

Which Female Action Hero Are You?

It's a tie!

You are part Princess Leia. You are down-to-earth and stick to a rigid sense of ethics. Nerds may lust over you, but everyone looks to you for your grounded logic and intellect.
You are part Buffy the Vampire Slayer. You are outgoing, warm, and sociable. Your intelligence and intuition give you a strong sense of right and wrong; you may be soft, sweet, and a little air-headed at times, but you are fully capable of proving yourself more than a stereotype.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Love Project

The Love Project
"Unconditional Love is a stranger to judgment. It stands with you through persecution and challenges your integrity. But most of all, it assures you have love when the world does not present it to you" #TLP

I Don't Want To Do This Anymore.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to waste my energy on people not invested in me as well. I don't want to wonder why I suddenly am not being interacted with after x number of days or weeks of constants and then suddenly nothing. I don't want to be with or even around anyone who feels some sick need to punish me with silence or who ignores me rather than just tears the fucking band-aid off fast and tells me wtf is going on. I have wasted more time in my life wondering wtf than I am comfortable to admit, and obviously from this blog, there isn't much I don't share or admit. So that's a lot of fucking wasted time that could have been saved with a few simple words. Backbone and balls. That's what people have lost. Say what you want or need to say and let me move the fuck on with a little respect and dignity please. Geezus. Is that really so much to ask or expect? Is it really that hard to just open your mouth or send a text or an email and just say it? Has the world really hit the lowest of lows when a text blow off is preferred? Obviously, the answer is yes.
My life is speeding by fast and I don't have time for games. Games are for children and immature adults. I have shit to deal with and this is not what I want to be doing or thinking about when there is far heavier shit to be dealt with but my brain is directly connected to my heart it seems. Maybe they can surgically do something to fix that. Maybe they can just cut the love and care part out all together and save me the misery. I am too tired both physically and emotionally to do this anymore. It's shit or get off the pot time. So what's it gonna be?

On Labeling Women 'Crazy'

On Labeling Women 'Crazy'
Posted: 11/12/2013 9:35 am

Relationships, Relationship Advice, Crazy Women, Men, Love and Relationships, Relationship Tips, Respecting Women, Women News

I've had to quit telling stories about crazy exes or women I've dated.

The problem was that I started realizing that when my friends and I would talk about our crazy exes or what-have-you, more often than not, we weren't talking about ex-girlfriends or random dates who exhibited signs of genuine mental health issues. Now I did have a few where I would qualify my story with, "No, I don't mean 'we broke up and I can't be bothered to figure out where things went wrong, I mean that she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and was starting to show signs of genuine paranoia," but for the most part, crazy meant "acting in a way I didn't like."

And I didn't realize just how damaging this attitude was in the way I related to women.

Part of my journey toward getting better with women was having to unlearn a lot of old attitudes and habits when it came toward dealing with the opposite sex. I, like most men, grew up in an world where certain attitudes toward women were just "the way things were" and we absorbed them without thinking about them.

One of them was the tendency to use labels like "crazy" or "irrational" without thinking. And once I noticed my tendency towards tossing "crazy" out as a verbal short cut, I couldn't not see it everywhere.

It's a habit that we men need to break; it's damaging to relationships, trivializes genuine mental health issues and -- most importantly -- hurts women as a whole.

The Five Deadly Words

There are certain words that are applied to women specifically in order to manipulate them into compliance: "slut," "bitch," "ugly/fat" and, of course, "crazy." These words encapsulate what society defines as the worst possible things a woman can be. Slut-shaming is used to coerce women into restricting their own sexuality into a pre-approved vision of feminine modesty and restraint. "Bitch" is used against women who might be seen as being too aggressive or assertive... acting, in other words, like a man might. "Ugly" or "fat" are used -- frequently interchangeably -- to remind them that their core worth is based on a specific definition of beauty, and to deviate from it is to devalue not only oneself but to render her accomplishments or concerns as invalid.

"Crazy" may well be the most insidious one of the four because it encompasses so much. At its base, calling women "crazy" is a way of waving away any behavior that men might find undesirable while simultaneously absolving those same men from responsibility. Why did you break up with her? Well, she was crazy. Said something a woman might find offensive? Stop being so sensitive.

The idea of the "crazy" woman is so vague and nebulous that it can apply to just about any scenario.

"Crazy" Women

The association between women's behavior and being labeled "crazy" has a long and infamous history in Western culture. The word "hysteria" -- defined as "behavior exhibiting excessive or uncontrollable emotion, such as fear or panic" -- is derived from the ancient Greek word "hystera," meaning uterus. Until the early 20th century, female hysteria was the official medical diagnosis for a truly massive array of symptoms in women including but not limited to: loss of appetite, nervousness, irritability, fluid retention, emotional excitability, outbursts of negativity, excessive sexual desire and "a tendency to cause trouble."

(Worth noting: much of the blame for "female hysteria" was placed on "wandering uterus syndrome" or other sexual "dysfunctions." While this did eventually lead to the invention of the vibrator, one of the common cures was a clitorectomy.)

While some of the symptoms of "female hysteria" could be signs of legitimate (if misdiagnosed) mental health issues, most of it described male (as the medical field was a men-only profession up until the mid-19th century) discomfort with women's behavior and sexuality. Calling it a medical issue meant that men didn't have to respond to behavior that challenged male sensibilities or belief structures. Instead, labeling women as "hysterical" made it much easier to diminish women's concerns and issues without having to pause to consider them as possibly being valid.

What Guys Mean When We Say "You're Overreacting"...

Men on the whole are quick to toss the "crazy" label onto women without stopping to think about it what they're saying. It's almost a reflexive response to a host of behaviors that men find inconvenient or undesirable.

Stop me if any of this sounds like something you've said -- or heard -- in a relationship: "You're overreacting"; "Don't worry about it so much, you're over-thinking it"; "Stop being so defensive."

It does to me.

I've said all of these things to women I'd been dating. I'm willing to bet most of the men have said something similar and the women have heard it more times than they can count.

To give a personal example:

Back in the bad old days, I was notoriously self-absorbed. It wasn't that I thought that I was the greatest thing ever, it was just that I didn't really stop to spare too many thoughts for others. I was willing to make an effort for others, but only so far as it didn't really inconvenience me past a "reasonable" point. I didn't want to have long drawn out conversations about how my behavior made my girlfriend feel and I certainly didn't want to get dragged into what I saw as unnecessary drama. In fact, I was incredibly drama-averse, thanks to an early unhealthy relationship.

As a result... well, I wasn't willing to consider how others were feeling. When the woman I was dating would try to explain to me how the way I treated her felt, I would tell her that she was seeing things. She was overreacting to inconsequential stuff. She was being over-sensitive, reading things into what I was saying or doing that just weren't there.

The subtext to everything I was saying was simple: "You are behaving in a way that I find inconvenient, and I want to you to stop." I wasn't willing to engage with her emotionally and address her very real concerns because I was too wrapped up in my own shit to think about other people. As a result, I would minimize her issues. By telling her that she was reading too much into things, I was framing the situation as her being irrational.

I didn't realize it at the time, but what I was doing was, in effect, telling her that she didn't have the right to feel the way she felt... because I didn't want her to feel that way.

Needless to say, that relationship didn't last long. Neither did the ones that followed. It wasn't until I was willing to change my attitudes towards dating and how I related to women that I started having more meaningful relationships, whether casual or long term.

Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation

When someone talks about the woman who he broke up with because she called too often or seemed get emotionally involved faster than he was comfortable with, because she got angry with him over the way he acted, she was always arguing with him about stuff or even that she wanted different things from the relationship, it's not uncommon to hear, "That's why you don't stick it in the crazy." The man is absolved of any responsibility for the break up; it's not because he was willing to pretend to be on the same page as her regarding the future of the relationship because it was convenient and meant that he could continue sleeping with her, it's because she was crazy. It's not because he was unwilling to discuss her concerns. She's crazy, case closed, time to move on to the next woman without pausing to reflect.

By dismissing a woman's behavior or concerns as crazy, we inadvertently take part in a behavior known as "gaslighting." Named for the classic George Cukor movie, gaslighting is a term used by psychologists to describe abusive behavior where a person is made to feel as though their emotions and reactions are irrational, even (dare I say) crazy. By constantly minimizing and dismissing someone's reactions, we make them feel uncomfortable with themselves and cause them to start to doubt their own feelings. If they're being told over and over again that what they're feeling is irrational or unreal, that what they're feeling is somehow out of whack, then they start to accept that maybe it is.

Even when it's not. Especially when it's not.

Gaslighting -- minimizing their feelings, reframing them as being unreasonable -- is classic abusive behavior. It's telling someone that they don't have a right to the way they feel because what they're feeling is wrong. Their feelings or their concerns or behavior isn't "rational." Once you take away their right to their feelings, it's that much easier to manipulate a person into the way you want them to behave.

Labeling women as "crazy" is a way of controlling them. It may not be something planned or pre-meditated, but the ease with which men call women "crazy" says a lot about them. Calling a woman "crazy" is quick and easy shut-down to any discussion. Once the "crazy" card has been pulled out, women are now put on the defensive: The onus is no longer on the man to address her concerns or her issue; it's on her to justify her behavior, to prove that she is not, in fact, crazy or irrational. Men don't even have to provide any sort of argument back -- it's a classic catch-22: "The fact that you don't even see that you're acting crazy is just proof that it's crazy."

"What's Your Damage?"

The trend of labeling women "crazy" is part of the culture that socializes women to go along to get along. When women are told over and over again that they're not allowed to feel the way they feel and that they're being "unreasonable" or "oversensitive," they're conditioned to not trust their own emotions. Their behavior -- being assertive, even demanding or standing up for how they feel -- becomes an "inconvenience" to men and they're taught not to give offense and to consider the feelings of others before their own.

Casually, even reflexively calling women crazy and the stigmatization of "crazy" (i.e., inconvenient or uncomfortable) behavior has become a way of trying to keep women behaving in a very specific and limited manner. It perpetuates the madonna/whore dichotomy -- that women are either submissive, demure and sexually restrained or irrational bitches on wheels, the emotional equivalent of riding Space Mountain after five shots of Mescal.

We may not intend to manipulate women this way -- most of the time we're not even aware that we're doing it. Most of us are conditioned into it; it's a part of the subtle background radiation that still teaches us that women's desires and opinions are secondary to men's. But the fact that we don't mean to cause harm doesn't change the fact that we do without even thinking about it.

Sure, we taught you that you should never trust your own feelings and that standing up for what you want is bad but there's no real harm done right?

As with other bad habits and acculturation, we need to unlearn this tendency to use "crazy" as a weapon. It's only by recognizing this behavior in ourselves and teaching ourselves to avoid it that we can quit poisoning how we relate to one another and letting it hold us back from the relationships we all want.

This post originally appeared on Paging Dr. Nerdlove.

Follow Harris O’Malley on Twitter:

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The Greatest Gift You Can Give

Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology: 

The greatest gift you can give might be the gift that you yourself were never given. Give that gift.

The most valuable service you have to offer your fellow humans may be the service you have always wished were performed for you. Offer that service.

An experience that wounded you could move you to help people who've been similarly wounded. Heal yourself by healing others.


Why I Am Always Asking, "WHY?".

“…I am not ashamed to learn, and I ask and inquire, and am very grateful to those who answer me, and never fail to give them my grateful thanks….”

- Plato, Lesser Hippias

I have no shame in admitting fault or being wrong and when I ask why, it is because I truly want to understand. I do not do it for ammunition or for a way to torture myself. I ask for knowledge and the hope of understanding people in the deepest way possible. I ask so that I can step into others shoes and view things in a new way. I ask so that I can forgive or learn or move on or expand my ability to comprehend and empathize. This is 'why' I ask why. 

I Believe This Is The Same Concept For People As Well.

"In classical Chinese philosophy there are two contrary principles, the bright yang and the dark yin. Of these it is said that always when one principle reaches the height of its power, the counter-principle is stirring within it like a germ. This is another, particularly graphic formulation of the psychological law of compensation by an inner opposite. Whenever a civilization reaches its highest point, sooner or later a period of decay sets in. But the apparently meaningless and hopeless collapse into a disorder without aim or purpose, which fills the onlookers with disgust and despair, nevertheless contains within its darkness the germ of a new light."

by Carl Jung | Artwork by PhotoAllegory of Sarolta Bán

How to Detox Someone Out of Your Life- Looks Like The Need For This Is Going Around.

How to Detox Someone Out of Your Life

Posted: 11/10/2013 10:27 am

Detox has become a fad word lately. Do a few shakes, stay off the booze, stop processed food, have a few green juices and you feel brand new.
This may come as a surprise, but toxins aren't just found in air pollution or your poor food and drink choices. To really feel that desired sense of relief, clarity and glow, you have to look at all parts of your life. You must evaluate what is toxic specifically to you and cleanse out what doesn't work. You have to not only look at what you are eating, but what (or who) is eating you.
The first step is to recognize if a person is not good for you, or if you need to change something within yourself to deal with the person.
Here are some examples of toxic people, shared by peers and patients:
1) That ex-partner or lover that you obsess over. A love interest that pays you no attention. You can't move forward, yet you can't be with the person.
2) A "friend" that you always feel drained after spending time with and almost need therapy just to recover from.
3) Any person in your life that is hyper-critical, judgmental or abusive. The naysayers, people who tell you all the reasons you can't rather than the reasons you can.
4) Anyone that, when you take a step back to assess, you dread speaking to or meeting up with for any reason.
5) A person that spreads rumors and gossip behind your back but is nice to your face.
6) An employee, business partner or client that brings negativity and stress to you and your work on a regular basis.
7) A family member who is an energy leech, puts you down constantly or is generally toxic. (This one is tricky, but do your best and apply tight boundaries with tough love if nothing else)
Just like with any cleanse program, you need to know yourself. Are you a "cold turkey" person, or do you need a gradual process? If you are the cold turkey type, you press delete and that's it. History. If you are a gradual process person, you need a cleanse action plan in place.
In this modern world of technology there are hundreds of ways to stay connected, even when you don't want to be. If you don't have self-discipline these days, you have the plight shared by a friend recently, "I now have 15 ways to be haunted by this person every minute of the day."
If you focus on something it grows, so the key is take your focus off of it.
Tips to get you started to cleanse a toxic person out of your life. Apply the ones that are relevant to your specific situation:
1) Don't talk to the person. If this is not possible permanently, do it for a set amount of time and figure out plan to lessen your contact with this person on a long term basis.
2) Don't look at the person's Facebook page or anything related to the person on Facebook. Turn their notifications off in your newsfeed. If you don't trust yourself to do this, delete the person from Facebook.
3) Don't talk about the person. You are trying to set a new pattern. If this is too difficult and you need some support, talk to only one trusted friend or therapist.
4) Avoid places frequented by this person. Avoid places that you make you nostalgic about the person. Avoid any toxic environment period.
5) Avoid all social medial platforms updated by the person. If you can't resist checking this person's updates, stop following them all together.
6) Don't listen to music that reminds you of the person. Music triggers memories and makes them more real in the present moment. This is a good time to create new music playlists.
7) Say yes to new people and new situations to refocus your mind in a different direction. Make new friends and find new people to work with.
8) Avoid reading old emails and texts from this person. If you can't resist doing so, press delete. This applies to photographs too. Fill the void and new found time with things that are good for you. 

9) Remove yourself physically from your routine for a day, weekend, or week based on your schedule, to reset in a new environment. Insert a new perspective to your life and ease the cleansing process.
10) Exercise and eat well. Sweat, movement and a good diet helps move the old toxins out of your body and mind.
11) Surround yourself with people and places that love and uplift you.
The next time you feel you need to "detox," consider looking at more than just your diet and remove toxic people from your life as well.
Follow Dr. Karuna Sabnani on Twitter:

Monday, November 11, 2013

I have locked myself away for so long that I don't even remember where I hid the key.

Edgar Cayce

“The more and more each is impelled by that which is intuitive, or the relying upon the soul force within, the greater, the farther, the deeper, the broader, the more constructive will be the result.” Edgar Cayce

“The more and more each is impelled by that which is intuitive, or the relying upon the soul force within, the greater, the farther, the deeper, the broader, the more constructive will be the result.” Edgar Cayce

Words Rock.

Music. Have I Talked About Music Yet? No?

I think music is the only other thing besides anger, pain and love that universally can be related to; even animals react to it. I have an eclectic list of music on my Spotify. I listen to everything except like polka and that kind of thing. I can't do classic or anything with certain pitches due to my sensory issues and well, P. He pretty much ruined any chance of me being able to ever even tolerate it but it's no real loss. I'm fine with it. LOL! 
So, here is my Spotify list. What do you listen to? What makes YOU bounce? What makes you all aggressive? What makes you cry? What songs are the Polaroids of your life? No one comments and damn it I want to KNOW! I REALLY DO! <3 No judgement. Promise. 

20 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Every Sunday

20 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Every Sunday

1 / What did I learn last week?

2 / What was my greatest accomplishment over the past week?

3 / Which moment from last week was the most memorable and why?

4 / What’s the #1 thing I need to accomplish this week?

5 / What can I do right now to make the week less stressful?

6 / What have I struggled with in the past that might also affect the upcoming week?

7 / What was last week’s biggest time sink?

8 / Am I carrying any excess baggage into the week that can be dropped?

9 / What have I been avoiding that needs to get done?

10 / What opportunities are still on the table?

11 / Is there anyone I’ve been meaning to talk to?

12 / Is there anyone that deserves a big ‘Thank You’?

13 / How can I help someone else this coming week?

14 / What are my top 3 goals for the next 3 years?

15 / Have any of my recent actions moved me closer to my goals?

16 / What’s the next step for each goal?

17 / What am I looking forward to during the upcoming week?

18 / What are my fears?

19 / What am I most grateful for?

20 / If I knew I only had one week to live, who would I spend my time with?

The Struggle to Overcome


Sunday, November 10, 2013

F is Trying Hard and He May Succeed. Time Will Tell! -EPIC FAIL. So Disappointed.

“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!” 
― C. JoyBell C.

“Now I've gone for too long
Living like I'm not alive
So I'm going to start over tonight
Beginning with you and I” 
― Hayley Williams

“One can begin so many things with a new person! - even begin to be a better man.” 
― George EliotMiddlemarch

“We all want to break our orbits, float like a satellite gone wild in space, run the risk of disintegration. We all want to take our lives in our own hands and hurl them out among the stars.” 
― David Bottoms

“I often sit and watch the leaves change colour and fall from the tree. To me, those leaves signify the constant change in our own lives and all the beautiful colours signify our own emotions. As the leaves, change and fall from the tree's with such grace and gentleness, they're reminding us to be gentle with ourselves as this chapter ends and the next journey begins in our lives.” 
― Annalee Hopkins

“The chief beauty about time
is that you cannot waste it in advance.
The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you,
as perfect, as unspoiled,
as if you had never wasted or misapplied
a single moment in all your life.
You can turn over a new leaf every hour
if you choose.” 
― Arnold Bennett

“Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there's a big disappointment, we don't know if that's the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don't know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don't know.” 
― Pema ChödrönWhen Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

“Set fire to the broken pieces; start anew.” 
― Lauren DeStefanoSever

“I no longer believed in the idea of soul mates, or love at first sight. But I was beginning to believe that a very few times in your life, if you were lucky, you might meet someone who was exactly right for you. Not because he was perfect, or because you were, but because your combined flaws were arranged in a way that allowed two separate beings to hinge together.” 
― Lisa KleypasBlue-Eyed Devil

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” 
― C.G. Jung

“Indifference and neglect often do much more damage than outright dislike.” 
― J.K. RowlingHarry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix      THIS BIT OF WISDOM IS TO D. YOU SHOULD REMEMBER IT NEXT TIME. I WISH YOU WELL; I REALLY DO.

“You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won't mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever.... connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

“It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head.” 
― Henry RollinsThe Portable Henry Rollins   TO D AS WELL... THIS IS WHAT YOU DID TO ME.