Sunday, November 3, 2013
Avoiding the Future
Not much to say so far this week. I'm just battling the darkness and pushing all the shit back into the universe, back to those that originally pushed it on me. Trying to ignore the coming move to Nowhereville, population 3014. Trying to ignore that there will be no heat at 3500 elevation with high winds and snow as well, loss of electricity on a regular basis, which equates to no hot water, no internet (school), or anything else that makes life even remotely livable. Oh yes, and no jobs whatsoever. No grocery stores, 1 convenience store, 1 gas station, etc. etc. etc. And the best part... living with my Mom, who I love but could not possibly be any more different from or have a more volatile relationship with. Did I mention the dying cat yet? Her cat is dying as well. A slow horrible death and she won't put the poor thing down. I mean wtf? But this is my mom in a nutshell. If she loves it she will watch it suffer to save herself pain or being put out too much. Emotionally, she is an immature, hormonal 13 year old. I am the parent attempting to teach this species logic and selflessness. I have yet to succeed, so we fight viciously. She cries, because crying is her thing after raging and I rage because it's how I deal with this level of frustration.
So I guess I did have something to write after all. Of course this is what I have been avoiding. Reality that I cannot alter no matter what path I take or what offerings I put out into the universe. It's just gonna be I guess. Like everything else since I turned 30, it looks like a bad trip that there is no detour from. It's been 16 years of this crap. Am I not due any respite at all? Seriously. This ride just won't stop and I have tried and failed so many times that this blog clearly shows where it has left me mentally and emotionally. Of course the 'people' over this last 16 years have been driving this fucking roller coaster taking turns at trying to throw me from this fast moving death trap, and coming real fucking close, but so far I am still here, white knuckled death grip and all. Someone do me a favor... throw a damn wrench in the system or at the driver please. Free me from this shit before I just give in and let go. Please. Pretty please.