Friday, November 15, 2013

Just In Case

“Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; But eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, Stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them.” Iyanla Vanzant

(As a warning: this was written with all intent and purposes to end my life. Razor in lap, pills in lap, water to my side. By the time I was done though, I was breathing again. So don't go suddenly giving a shit when you didn't before, and like, call the cops or anything. I'm alive. I don't know why, but I am. Of course, this is assuming any one at all reads this, which no one does; no matter what the fucking reader count claims. And, if it helps, I promised D if he got help I would as well. He did. I didn't. If I can manage to force myself to than tomorrow I will be calling the numbers the doctor gave me yesterday. I'm an asshole for not keeping my promise. Time to put up or shut up I guess.)

I have two of the most beautiful and amazing kids on this planet. They never stop amazing me or making me proud. I hope I have somehow given them everything I possibly could to make it in this fucked up world. I hope they see how truly loved they will always be by me as well. There is nothing or no one in any universe or in all the lands that measure my love for these kids. Since I won't always be here to tell them that I want to make sure they know it as a truth and that no matter what I will always be with them. Every second or every minute of every hour of every day. They will never be alone, even when it feels like they are, they are not. I love my mom as well. I never haven't loved her although loving her has had it difficult 'moments'. She has always been around in some form, which is leaps and bounds from my father, who pretty much rates all by the all-mighty dollar, so of course, I never really rated much and I never will. My mom, she always loved me. Maybe not the way I wanted or needed but in the best way she knew how. It saddens me that her life has been so much disappointment, but she really quit trying a long time ago. She has a money issue as well and it is hard for her to really see the true value of others amid the money, but she does see some value and that's a good thing.
I don't have anything to say to P. With the new added health issues based on his infidelity, I think the best thing I can do right now is say nothing. It isn't even worth the time anymore to connect to all that shit before, or since. Some people will never change nor will they see what their selfishness has done to others. I should just add J in with P. They aren't much different in the end.
D. is another story, and for as hurt and angry as I have been at him, I continue to see something else under all that anger and pain. I hope he taps into it without the extra help someday, and does all the amazing work he is capable of. His song is still one of my all time favorite things to listen to. I am listening to it now. It is haunting and it feels like me at this moment except, it has a bit more hope within it. I love ya Kid. I know you hate that but tough. I say I with nothing but love.
F. man, you. You were the one. You were the one. I can't make you see though and I can't seem to do anything that satisfies anymore unless I lower myself, and I won't do it. I worked too hard through all this shit to see what I see and I won't pretend to appease you or anyone else. That should make a person feel more confident in knowing me, but for some reason I get the opposite reaction. I guess I don't understand and never will. Hell, even when I do lower myself to a typical chick level I get nothing. Abso fucking lutely nothing. I guess I won't ever break the 'how to keep a man on a leash' code before I die. Bummer. But dude, you rocked my little world for like 30 years. My little secret crush that was my tiny ray of light to possibility when everything else looked dead. All those random texts over the last few years made my day in ways you will never fully grasp. J told me that I expected more from him then he could ever be... maybe you feel this way too, but guess what boys? I just wanted to be cared for and seen and treated with some dignity. I didn't actually expect anything more. I hoped for more but I NEVER expected more. You don't grow up the way I did and expect much of anything positive. The bad stuff, sure. That always comes. It comes, and comes and comes. Fucking relentless. Anyway. Sorry I fucked up your fantasy about me as well. I never pretended to be anyone but me and that is what you got and saw. Yes, at my rock bottom, but was I really that bad? Considering? Maybe I was. I don't care at the moment. My intentions were always pure of heart, for everyone mentioned here.
Phil, you know I love you. You turned out well after all! I always knew you would, you just hit a few bumps. Mikey. I loves you. Always my BFF. Maybe you will win the lottery and marry the man of your dreams and rule this ugly world! The Funderburgs for being there when they didn't have to be and showing me the way. My kids were lucky I had you guys! Brennan, my son. I love you. Keep going Kid. You are on the path to greatness. Keep an eye on Ry for me. She's gonna be mad at me for awhile I fear. I wish I knew someone would take care of Cam too, but sadly, he seems to be forever stuck with my horrific people skills. I've pretty much kept going this long for him. I can't carry him forever though and I can't manage myself anymore either. I am so so sorry for that. I just can't find any light anymore and the weight is breaking me down to nothing. I am nothing, except sad, lonely and scared. It's no way to live.
Of my shit, trash it all except the bins with photos and maybe my stuff from school. I'd like to think my grandbabies would get a kick out of all the old punk stuff and such. Ones in my room and the other is in the garage. Anyone not mentioned is not forgotten. I am just too tired to go deeper.
Oh, and if anyone cares and is asking, 'why didn't she call someone or ask for help?' I did. Thanks F. I guess I should have put a little more drama into it or what? Sent a fucking picture of me crying, slicing, taking the pills? What? I guess you have to be bullshitting to actually get any attention these days. I didn't call D because his load is heavy enough and he doesn't like me much these days, plus he already talked me down once. He doesn't need my shit again on his shoulders. It's not his load now. I wouldn't put this shit on my kids. Who is left? No one. Except Mike and he too has enough to deal with. Plus, for all the fucking phones and communications we have today, the reality is that no one answers. No one replies, no one is actually paying attention. So, there was really no point in going beyond F. I figured if he didn't reply then no one else will either. And you all know it is true in the back of your minds and hearts. People never care anymore until it's too late. That's just the state of the world you live in folks. I think I am hitting angry now, and I don't want to be in that. ~Yeah. I hit angry. Texted F like a little bitch girl. I was honest but mean as well. I can't believe how easy it is to be seen if you act like an asshole, but not if you have some self respect or integrity. Seriously people. It this what you want your kids and grand kids to know as normal? The more drama you create the more attention you will get, and that there is no other way?? NONE?  And I just fucking lowered myself to test this theory. Even now, when I am hanging by a god damn thread, I try to be heard or seen. And I fail miserably. And people are actually going to wonder WHY I did this? If they do then they need a reality check. I suppose I should have gotten drunk though. I guess I fucked that part up. If I was drunk and texted I bet I'd get all kinds of attention. No. No I wouldn't. It just isn't in the cards for me to be alive and stay sane. Or to beg for a little bit of compassion and get it. Or possibly to die, because now I kind of don't want to at the moment. I'd like to punch a bitch, and scream a lot and maybe break some stuff, and hug someone who gives a shit, but I. Don't. Want. To. Die. At. This. Very. Moment. Maybe later...

As an afterthought of this I did finally realize what I so desperately seem to need at these moments. I figured it out when I texted F to apologize (None of which have been acknowledged btw. And him being the catalyst to tonight's walk on the edge of death, so it isn't surprising being totally abandoned.). I need someone to just show up and hold me. I guess I need to know that I am valued enough to do that. I've done it so many times in the past for others. It pains me to know I am not worthy. That is what happens when the kids grow up. No one notices or cares when you just need to feel some love. Suddenly no one is there anymore and no one gives a shit to come when you bleed either or hell, even when they make plans to come, they don't. It makes for a horribly painful image of the next 30 or 40 years.

If I were one of the lucky people I wouldn't care where that 'love' came from and I would go find it somewhere cheap and easy, but you can't unlearn life. You can't turn yourself into a dumbed down version of yourself, and oddly all the reasons people fall in love with you in the beginning end up the things they seek to change or destroy in you by the end. Even funnier is how fast the end comes these days. I mean for fucks sake people. Is there any point at all to using the word 'relationship' anymore. It's more like a few weeks of high school level interaction. And the kids today, like my daughter, are the ones in long term relationships while the adults are acting like fucking pathetic kids with no control, wisdom or intention of actually being a part of anything real and long term; even though they preach wanting all of this in the beginning. It says a lot about the sad fate of society today and the adults living in it. So does the fact that THIS IS EXACTLY what we talk about in the beginning, and then it happens; suddenly they are one of THEM. It's like tainted water or someone has drugged them. It's fear. I know this, but I don't understand running FOR something SO DAMN HARD, and then just purposefully fucking it up. Why run to it at all? If you are so damn scared, for hell's sake, leave it alone. At least that way SOMEDAY you might be strong and wise enough to get what you wanted.

The way it goes today it's just a collision course of mass destruction with confused and injured people watching the drivers speed away. It feels like being victimized over and over again. It feels like my youth, when the men would sneak in my room and try to fuck with me after buying drugs off my parents. They seem nice enough in a crowd, but when they sneak in your room you know shit is not right. And it is scary. It is confusing. It is bullshit. It's got to stop. If it isn't going to stop, we have to find a way to protect ourselves. I haven't figured that one out yet. No amount of time knowing a person seems to make any difference at all. No matter how many other people say that a person is great doesn't seem to mean anything anymore either. There has to be a way. Geezus.

So I guess I just realized my abandonment issues and my victimization issues all at one time. Well, there you go. That explains why I am ending up with men like this. It's all I know. It's all I come from. It's the family pattern. Fuck an A. I am a total fucking cliche'. A statistic.

Now what?

(On a different note... did you see how writing is therapy for me? How I don't know what I am writing until it's there? How the epiphanies happen when I am at my rawest? This is why I blog. I am not trying to be hurtful or create drama or get attention; at least not the negative attention and such of strangers. Maybe, something from one of these people might be nice but we all know that isn't going to happen. I do it to figure it all out. It happens faster when you have life partners, friends and family in your life but I don't. I have me. That is it. Just me. This is as close to a conversation I am going to get unless another man pops up.
(One did btw. Within two hours of F blowing me off, but I am not interested and it was really friggin weird as well. It's as if there is a line, and each person shows up and when one goes, some screams next! and a new person is right there. I mean it is almost scaring me. Something isn't right in the world I am living in. Someone somewhere is fucking with me big time or just finds this all quite entertaining.)

Still I say, now what?

Passionate, Soft, Gentle, Warm, Easy, Authentic, Long Lasting, Secure, Well being, Individual expansion, relationship expansion, supportive, generous, adoring, appreciating, Lighthearted, Easy to feel good, Interesting, fulfilling, Romantic, abundant

One of the best feelings in life is discovering that you are appreciated by someone regardless of how unworthy someone else has made you feel.

be raw. be unguarded. be crazy.

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