Saturday, October 25, 2014

Monday, October 13, 2014

A Mothers Love: Does Anything Else Compare?

She buys me food, like say a jar of peanut butter, and then the first time I use it and the next day I am confronted with a writhing , ranting, drunk screaming about how I am stealing her food. Weird, since I still had the little list I wrote for her with peanut butter on it that she made me rewrite before she left for the store. Conveniently she didn't remember that, like my entire youth of events that she brought upon my life, so easily forgotten and pushed aside. Wow. Just wow.

I go from being able to borrow the car to go the 70 mile round trip to the nearest grocery store to having to drive the illegal and barely running car, to not being able to do either since it blew a tire the last trip (almost 6 weeks ago) and now is on a spare, and she doesn't care at all that I am living off candy bars from Circle-K because of it. Nope, no control issues happening here. No bizarre vindictive shit being enacted here. It would be nice to know why though. beyond the fact that an old man divided up a trust in a way she didn't like almost two decades ago. Of course I had nothing to do with that choice but I sure as shit am paying for it. Did I write about how she told me she "Hates my fucking guts," because of this trust thing from decades ago? Yeah, that was like 5 days ago. Not the first time she has said it but kudos to her on trying to make Mother of the fucking year... in hell.

Then she turns the dial on the mini fridge to 3 or basically off when I just spent $50 on milk and food that needs to be cold (at Circle-K), (bought just a few hours before since the request to use the truck to go buy real food was met with the "I hate your fucking guts" fight), then she rants and raves about how she did not do it and then tells me to 'get the fuck out! Now,' AGAIN, and when I yell back that "I am moving 3000 miles away," within just a few hours she admits to changing the cold dial, but of course there is a really stupid excuse connected to the reason and 'it was an accident' and not at all another vindictive move to hurt and control me. So now I am trying to muster enough courage to drive my disaster mobile and get some semi real food for a kings ransom somewhere up here... gawd I hate this place.

When I sent my son away to my daughters fathers house, because there was no money and not enough food to feed us both for another 15 days she doesn't even notice he is gone. It was 8 full days before I TOLD HER he was gone. Then she cries like it pains her in some way and says how 'if she only knew' which she did because I had said several times that we had no money and were not able to buy any food, but you know, that is beside the point. SMH. Anyway, she acts all semi-motherly, and even tries to tell me how she loves me (Mkay.) and she offers to let me drive the truck to the post office and the mini-market (but for cat food for her because she has yet to let me drive the truck anywhere for any reason unless there is something being done for her), oh and she loans me $20 (the ONLY time in this 10 months I have borrowed any money at all I might add) and while I am gone for that 20 minutes or so what do you think she is doing? Come on guess... she's going into my sons room. She's doing exactly what she is always bragging that she would never do, invading our privacy by going in our rooms while we are gone. It literally took her what? An hour? To get me out of the house from the time she found out my son was gone, and to get her nosey ass in his room. When I got back from the store she was all pissed off and bitchy again like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde kind of switcheroo and I didn't know why until I figured out that she had used the time I was gone to go in my sons room. Sometimes the level of low just blows me away....

So now I am going almost 3000 miles away to get out of here and I am still stumped as to how I am going to eat while I prep for the move, buy the things I need to make the move, and hell, I don't even know how the fuck to get to the airport. There is no mass transit of any kind here. None. No cabs, buses, carpool transportation thingies, shuttles. NOTHING. This place is like the Twilight Zone of reality. Nothing makes sense here and every opportunity to get out or do anything is met with another huge roadblock. It's the oddest most mind scrambling thing I have ever experienced, and that is saying a lot because I have seen and lived through a few lifetimes of fucked up....

Wish me luck.

As an added thought of the day:

I swear I am in some black void of the universe. Is nothing doable? Oy. Is anyone sane anymore? Who knew that being cheated on and lied to could destroy a life and then push it into a whole alternate reality of void? Who knew? Seriously. I think I may be insane and possibly sitting in a padded room and I just don't know it. Maybe none of this is real at all. Maybe this is hell or purgatory or some place where nothing moves forward. OMG. Maybe I killed Paul and they locked my insane ass up and all THIS has been some medically induced state to control me. There are so many maybe's when you stop trying to figure things out sanly or with logic. Once you let logic go the possibilities become limitless. Pretty damn scary. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

If you care and want to help I will forever be in your debt!

If anyone wants to help me please donate by clicking the button to the right. It's through PayPal. I have to get out of here. I just enough to buy a used vehicle. That is what is standing between life and death for me right now. Just a cheap reliable vehicle. Something to live in. Something to get to a job in. We have no mass transit at all and everything is 30+ miles away in any direction. But I am on the edge and truly believe I am going to jump. Please? Anything?