Monday, March 24, 2014

Art Fashion Creation: Per Your Request: More 80s.

There is a photo here { Art Fashion Creation: Per Your Request: More 80s.: With all my might I'm determined to escape the 80s and flash-forward, but the 80s are there in many sketch/scrapbooks - the 90s and the ...}; the very last photo is of a girl in a beret. This is my teen muse, Christine Bolster. She was who I wanted to emulate and I did. I just love this photo of her like I am 16 again and I wanted to have it somewhere to represent a piece of me and my history, but this page it is from is NOT mine but I like whomever it is that owns it. We have a lot in common. Poor girl.

ME- 1985 April                                      Guess Girl- Christine Bolster (and Billy Idol)

Saturday, March 22, 2014

A Message To A Friend Or What Once Was A Friend Or Maybe Never Really Made It To Friend

1. Do not talk AT people. Talk TO people. Talking at people is infuriating and not at all productive, particularly if you want something from them.

2. Do not tell people that 'you don't care' about them or things that are of importance to them, again, particularly when you want something from them, like their time or talents. This is a sure fire way of not getting what you want and also a pretty basic piece of logic. Learn it. It shows a very ugly and very selfish side of you as well, no matter how real it may be it is still very very ugly.

3. If you must do the same thing over and over again, at least have the smarts to involve new people in your old endeavour. Old people already know where this is heading and will rarely accept putting themselves in the path of that destruction again willingly. OK, at least the ones that learn from their mistakes.

4. People are not tools. Let me repeat this... PEOPLE ARE NOT TOOLS. You can not use them, toss them aside and then pick them up again to use. I am not your tool. If you can not appreciate a person for their worth but only for their ability to be used for your endeavors then you are not worthy of their time, devotion or energy. Do not piss and whine about their ability to see through your veil. It gets thinner with every interaction.

5. If you want to be successful at life stop running to what has damaged you and away from dealing with that damage. You will never get away from your truths and your scars will always be there but you can choose to mend those wounds or die running away from them. Your choice. I will not be a party to your running away. It goes against everything I am and everything I believe and have learned. I learned the hard, dirty, ugly way and you will have to as well. This does not mean the ugliness that you have created in your attempts to run. This is the messy shit that you have been through in the past that you did not have control over that has created the path that you now walk or run on repeatedly in an attempt to create distance. Deal with this first and then make a new path. Trying to make a new path without taking care of this old shit will only lead you right back to the original one. You will fail until you deal with the truly painful and ugly past because that is what life is about, growth and wisdom. Money and fame will not make any of it go away. History proves this.

6. Other peoples pain is never something you get to make trivial. You do not get to cry help me while spitting on others needs. You are in or you are out. Period. When you do this you are out and most people will figure this out and disconnect if you refuse to value them as much as you value you. You are not more important. You are not better. You are not above or below unless you choose to be. Good people leave because they have figured out that you do not value them the way they deserve to be valued. This is their strength and your weakness.

I wish you well.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Mervyn's Commercial 1992

It was Mervyns!

A Project I Might Be Able To Afford?!


I am hoping the few materials needed are cheap enough that I might be able to do this. I hope. I hope. (That was a total Mervyns commercial moment or was it Kohl's? Open, open, open!)

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Yes. All but five. Check, check, check...

11, 14, 21, 23 and 29 are a no out of 33. FML.


So has anyone else noticed their bank is now charging them for being poor on top of their regular bank fee's? #Altura Credit Union now charges a 'low balance' fee! So the poor are being charged MORE because they are poor. How the hell is this legal? I might add that this is not due to any overdrafts or bouncing of checks or any other kind of negative activity. This is purely based on being broke and being charged a fee for it!!

So now we can't get jobs because we have been unemployed and we are being charged fee's when we have too little money. We get sued for not being able to pay our bills due to a lack of jobs willing to hire us and we lose jobs because we are being sued for our inability to pay our past debt. 

Yes, this is the logic running our country now. A vicious cycle that can not be escaped. 

Ha! Too much of anything becomes a defect.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

The universe seems to have clear intent and purpose for my existence.

So I have done everything I can think of to climb up and out.
Or even just up a bit, to no avail.
I have asked.
I have begged.
I have offered exchange/trade.
I have tried offering what little money I have had off and on.
I have made pledge/donation pages, plural.
I have tried to connect and network.
I have made this stupid blog.
I have applied for the unattainable as well as the attainable.
I have gone through social services.
I have run through all my available financial aid.
I have sold so much it hurts to even think about it.
I have begged, borrowed and stolen (although only a bit and at the do or die point because of my son, not so much myself, and from someone who owes me.).
I've even posted CL ads for areas in other states.

I have even continued to reach out to others that have continually pushed me away.
It is not true that you get what you give in this life.
It is not true that being positive will fix anything, as I did that ages ago and like everything else, at some point you realize you are working really damn hard and getting no results.
Now I am more of a realist. I see the path I have made and the one I have been forced to take.

I am all out of ideas.
The universe seems to have clear intent and purpose for my existence.
Suffer and die.
Isn't is amazing how a 100 count box of straight edge blades costs just under $6?
THAT I could afford.

So now I am just counting the days, hours, minutes until I can be free. Well, not really free as I will have to bear the burden of leaving those that mean everything to me, but I will be free'd from this monotony and consistent pain. And the how and why's won't mean anything anymore either and that will be truly welcoming. The depth of the indifference that I am beginning to experience where my own life is concerned is both frightening and a welcome gift. When the fear dissipates I will accept that as my green light. It should not be long. I have to remind myself sometimes that I do have a responsibility to my son first. I am the cause of his displacement, even though it is only through the connections to me and those that used and injured me. Still, I brought them in and by doing that I exposed my kids to these heartless and cruel 'people' although I question how human they possibly could be since there is such a phenomenal lack of empathy or emotion for others. Anyway, fuck it. At least I have control of one single thing; my lifeline/existence.
Hard to believe that a few years ago I would have rather died than ask anyone for help... how quickly things change.

As an afterthought I wanted to add this bit. I have no shortage of inspirational people and such to look upon. It only takes a moment to find something amazing or mind blowing in this world. What kills the soul is how far away and distant it all seems the longer that you lack connection and hope in your personal existence. Eventually, all the beauty and awe in the world just begins to break your heart. At some point you can't ignore all the people ignoring all the amazing things they take for granted.
The more invisible and disposable I become, or aware, the more real and disappointing the world seems to become. It is not the mistakes that disappoint or the failures but the lack of appreciation for having the means to have been able to take the chance in the first place. Every step is a chance and a choice, that is until there are nothing but walls. So be thankful if you can still find an open door or window or even a damn crack to stick your finger through. If you have people actively trying to help you, and people with positive and kind words and a hand to help you up when you fall, no matter how you try to dismiss them, you are damn lucky and I suggest that you might want to start seeing and appreciating those people now, before they get sick of bothering to chase you around.