Sunday, March 2, 2014

The universe seems to have clear intent and purpose for my existence.

So I have done everything I can think of to climb up and out.
Or even just up a bit, to no avail.
I have asked.
I have begged.
I have offered exchange/trade.
I have tried offering what little money I have had off and on.
I have made pledge/donation pages, plural.
I have tried to connect and network.
I have made this stupid blog.
I have applied for the unattainable as well as the attainable.
I have gone through social services.
I have run through all my available financial aid.
I have sold so much it hurts to even think about it.
I have begged, borrowed and stolen (although only a bit and at the do or die point because of my son, not so much myself, and from someone who owes me.).
I've even posted CL ads for areas in other states.

I have even continued to reach out to others that have continually pushed me away.
It is not true that you get what you give in this life.
It is not true that being positive will fix anything, as I did that ages ago and like everything else, at some point you realize you are working really damn hard and getting no results.
Now I am more of a realist. I see the path I have made and the one I have been forced to take.

I am all out of ideas.
The universe seems to have clear intent and purpose for my existence.
Suffer and die.
Isn't is amazing how a 100 count box of straight edge blades costs just under $6?
THAT I could afford.

So now I am just counting the days, hours, minutes until I can be free. Well, not really free as I will have to bear the burden of leaving those that mean everything to me, but I will be free'd from this monotony and consistent pain. And the how and why's won't mean anything anymore either and that will be truly welcoming. The depth of the indifference that I am beginning to experience where my own life is concerned is both frightening and a welcome gift. When the fear dissipates I will accept that as my green light. It should not be long. I have to remind myself sometimes that I do have a responsibility to my son first. I am the cause of his displacement, even though it is only through the connections to me and those that used and injured me. Still, I brought them in and by doing that I exposed my kids to these heartless and cruel 'people' although I question how human they possibly could be since there is such a phenomenal lack of empathy or emotion for others. Anyway, fuck it. At least I have control of one single thing; my lifeline/existence.
Hard to believe that a few years ago I would have rather died than ask anyone for help... how quickly things change.

As an afterthought I wanted to add this bit. I have no shortage of inspirational people and such to look upon. It only takes a moment to find something amazing or mind blowing in this world. What kills the soul is how far away and distant it all seems the longer that you lack connection and hope in your personal existence. Eventually, all the beauty and awe in the world just begins to break your heart. At some point you can't ignore all the people ignoring all the amazing things they take for granted.
The more invisible and disposable I become, or aware, the more real and disappointing the world seems to become. It is not the mistakes that disappoint or the failures but the lack of appreciation for having the means to have been able to take the chance in the first place. Every step is a chance and a choice, that is until there are nothing but walls. So be thankful if you can still find an open door or window or even a damn crack to stick your finger through. If you have people actively trying to help you, and people with positive and kind words and a hand to help you up when you fall, no matter how you try to dismiss them, you are damn lucky and I suggest that you might want to start seeing and appreciating those people now, before they get sick of bothering to chase you around.  

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