Thursday, October 10, 2013

Today I Choose...

... to say FUCK YOU if you think you can disrespect me but expect respect. Fuck you if you think you can expect anything from me that you can't or won't give back. Fuck you for choosing to devalue me, while I try to show you your value. Fuck you. Go back to your dis-functional, fucked up, bullshit of a relationship with your co-dependent ex who doesn't value YOU enough to make a choice and stick to it. You deserve one another, as it is obvious that this is what you desire. You can't lie your way into peace of mind, healthy relationships, wellness, or anything good. Your conscience will always know the truth, like my gut always knows something is not right. You can ignore anything that is 'too much to deal with right now,' as much as you want but you will never be in a better place to DEAL with it as you are now, so it makes no sense to choose to ignore everything. In fact you are setting yourself up to fail, and you know you are doing it too. You are far too intelligent to not realize this. How sad that is. How disappointing. I thought you were special, better, kinder, more aware, but you are as weak as the others and as disappointing as well. More so. You have the ability, they didn't. You are making a choice. I suppose I am thankful that I know now rather than 13 years later or after you have destroyed me even more with your simple and sad ways of dealing with life. I love you my friend, but I am choosing to say fuck you.

10/11/13 I'm going to add something to this: I may not have traveled to the ends of the earth, fucked 100's of nameless people, excelled at everything I have attempted to do, or lived in a completely selfish manner, BUT I have born two amazing human beings, spent 26 years selflessly making every choice with them in mind, brought up my mother rather than her bringing up me, spent 3 years living on the streets of Orange County... THREE YEARS, devoted myself to my mates as well as my children, overcome living in 24/7 pain, countless surgeries, almost a decade of no health insurance, physical, mental and sexual abuse, riches, poorness, uneducated and educated, working full-time AND being a parent alone to two small children, 4 years of in home assembly work so tedious that I developed arthritis in my hands, and doing this anyway so I could be home when the special needs teacher came to my home to teach my son so he could graduate on time, which he did because he is fucking smart but lacks social skills and empathy but not much else and a plethora of other life struggles and events and guess what? I DID IT ALL WITHOUT ALCOHOL, WITHOUT DRUGS, WITHOUT PROPER PAIN MEDICATION. So tell me this, who is really the stronger person? Who has really earned the exhaustion currently being felt? Who has been aware through it all and actually learned the lesson life is teaching? Who deserves a little respect and affirmation? Who deserves to be with a person that does not use double standards? Think about that for awhile. Think HARD. The totality of ME is not who I am right now but who I have been and who I will become again, with rest and maybe just one single person in my life who treats me as I deserve. Just one. Although I am beginning to believe I will never find a single person who see's me for who I am, I plan on continuing to search, or die trying. So good luck to you and to me as well. You are not the only person with gold. I am gold too, you just can't seem to see the glint of it in all the muck of the current mess I have been wading through. We both lose. No winners here. How disappointing it has all turned out. Maybe not all, true to form yet another mate has achieved the unreachable while having me in their life, and once again I am swept to the gutter when I am no longer needed or can meet the expectations of the other, because how dare 'I' be human as well. How dare 'I' have dreams or expectations or standards for myself. How dare 'I' be exhausted, overwhelmed, lonely, or in need of support. Yes, How dare I. Who do I think I am? I'm such a crazy female. I'm just another crazy bitch, right? Just another pathetic negative chick that has nothing in her past to prove otherwise, right? RIGHT? And that is why this is over. Sheep trying to force me into their herd. Sheep in disguise. A disguise so well worn that even they can't see their own costume anymore. What a waste. OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE GOD DAMN IT.

1 comment:

Speak... please! And thank you! I'm still waiting for a comment. Anyone??