Sunday, January 11, 2015

Welcome to the Men of My Life and My Mom.

Taken from a Facebook post by 
Escaping the Narcissistic ABUSE
CHARACTERISTICS of the SUBTLE NARCISSISTIC ABUSER
PART 4.
16. The Narcissist is aggressive and shameless. They don't ask. The Narcissist demands. They make outrageous requests and they'll take anything they want if they think they can get away with it. Their demands of their "loved ones" are posed in a very aggressive way, as are their criticisms. They seldom take no for an answer, pushing and arm-twisting and manipulating to get you to give in. <<Damion
17. They push you down, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you can. They never give you a birthday party and grandstand it. Your friends were never welcome in your home. << Paul
They give you tasks that were rightfully theirs. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you are always their emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You are never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences are only for the Narcissist, and you are responsible for making it right for them. From the beginning they would randomly lash out at you any time they are stressed or angry or felt that life was unfair to them, because it makes them feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As time progresses you are assigned responsibility for their emotions. Unloading on you any time something goes wrong for them. << Mom
18. Narcissists are exploitative. They will manipulate to get work, money, or objects they envy or covet. Especially if it makes the look special or good. They may have stolen your identity. If they make an agreement with you, it is violated the minute it no longer served their needs. If you brought it up demanding they adhere to the agreement, they brush you off and later punished you so you would know not to defy them again. << Jason
Sometimes the Narcissist will exploit a partner to absorb punishment that would have been theirs. Sometimes the Narcissist simply emotionally pushes you down into illness to keep a sick marriage intact because the alternative is divorce and the loss of your income. You are sexually molested but the Narcissist never notices, or worse, calls you a liar, or blames you. <<Jason
19. Narcissists project. This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that Narcissists all do. Projection means that they will put their own bad behavior, character and traits on you so they can deny them as their own and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that they can project on to. An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter's weight is projecting. The daughter may not realize it because she has probably internalized an absurdly thin vision of women's weight and so accepts her mother's projection. When the narcissist tells the daughter that she eats too much, needs to exercise more, or has to wear extra-large size clothes, the daughter believes it, even if it isn't true. However, they will sometimes project even though it makes no sense at all. This happens when they feel shamed and needs to put it on you and the projection therefore comes across as being an attack out of the blue. For example: They make an outrageous request, and you casually refuse to let them have their way. They become enraged by your refusal and snarls at you that you'll talk about it when you've calmed down and are no longer hysterical.  << ALL OF THEM
You aren't hysterical at all; but your refusal has made them feel the shame that should have stopped them from making shameless demands in the first place. That's intolerable. They can transfer that shame to you and rationalize away your response: you only refused because you're so unreasonable. Having done that they can reassert their shamelessness and indulge. You'll talk about it again "later" - probably when they've worn you down with histrionics, pouting and the silent treatment so you're more inclined to do what they want. << Paula nd Jason
20. The Narcissists is never wrong about anything. No matter what they've done, and won't ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time they feel they are being made to apologize they will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology they have just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: "I'm sorry you felt that I humiliated you" "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad" "If I did that it was wrong" "I'm sorry, but I there's nothing I can do about it" "I'm sorry I made you feel, stupid and disgusting" "I'm sorry but it was just a joke. You're so over-sensitive" "I'm sorry that my own wife feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad." The last insulting apology is also an example of projection. << Mom and Jason and Damion
21. Narcissist have no awareness that other people even have feelings. They occasionally slip and say something jaw-droppingly callous because of this lack of empathy. It isn't that they don't care at all about other people's feelings, though they don't. It would simply never occur to them to think about their feelings. An absence of empathy is the defining trait of a Narcissist and underlies most of the other traits I have described. Unlike psychopaths, Narcissists do understand right, wrong, and consequences, so they are not ordinarily criminal. They beat you, but not to the point where you went to the hospital. Leave you in hotel alone on your birthday after berating you publicly. <<ALL OF THEM
22. They blame. Narcissist will blame you for everything that isn't right in their life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. Always blaming you for their abuse. You made them do it. If only you weren't so difficult. You upset them so much that they can't think straight. They couldn't function for 2 days. Things were hard for them and your needs pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty. They'll do something egregiously exploitative to you, and when confronted will screech at you that they can't believe you were so selfish as to upset them over such a trivial thing. They will also blame you for your reaction to their selfish, cruel and exploitative behavior. They "can't believe you are so petty, so small, and so childish as to object or complain so much" "I apologized for that already, when are you goung to let it go." "How long are you going to use your dead mother as an excuse?" (The mother passed less the a month prior.) <<Mom and Jason
Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your Narcissistic partne is
Lying. He knows what he did was wrong and he knows your reaction is reasonable.
Manipulating. He's making you look like the bad person for objecting to his cruelties.
Being selfish. He doesn't mind making you feel horrible as long as he gets his own way.
Blaming. He did something wrong, but it's all your fault.
Projecting. His petty, small and childish behavior has become yours.
Putting on a self-pitying drama. He's a martyr who believed the best of you, and you've let him down. <<THEY ALL DO THIS
23. They undermine your relationships: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. They foster desension because they enjoy the control it gives them. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering with your life. Watching people's lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don't have any empathy for their misery. << Mom and Jason
The narcissist nurtures anger, contempt and envy - the most corrosive emotions - to stand up to the narcissist guarantees punishment. In their zest for revenge, the narcissist purposefully creates chaos. ("I can see that nobody here loves me! I'll just go sleep on the streets!") << ALL OF THEM
As a last resort the Narcissist become pathetic. Wallow in self pity and bemoan the injustice. <<PAUL
There is no creature like them. People think surely you are making this up. Or worse, your CRAZY.. Q  <<ALL OF THEM
Note: Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious. While she may never praise you to your face, she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She'll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.
The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.

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