I Have Forgotten

I can not remember what it feels like to be loved
or to love actively.
I don't remember what comfort is anymore.
Or how it feels to laugh.
I feel darkness and pain.
I feel despair
and sometimes I am lucky and I just feel numb.
Those are good moments.
I'm cutting too deep now, which might save me from this hole if I am lucky.
Sooner rather than later I hope.
I just want to sleep until it is over.
And if I could go back to any shitty place in my past then I would go.
No taking a moment to contemplate the decision either.
Everything was better than this dead end and the way it just goes on and on...