Friday, August 21, 2015

So much to say.

After many hours of attempting to write a lifetime of basically everything of importance that I want to share with my kids I find myself still here. Still lost. If nothing else this blog is a good representation of the insanity verbal abuse, depression, pain and poverty bring upon a person. The crisis and crazy of living this way should be apparent. I'm disappointed in my lack of courage yet I got to express some of the things I worry about missing if I suddenly am gifted with the courage to escape this reality forever. When you have kids, no matter their ages, and you love them from the depths of your soul you don't take ending your life lightly. This isn't some teenager brokenhearted and acting out. This shit is FINAL. You don't get a pass to come back. You don't get a do over. You are here and then you seize to exist. The end. So, in that, a person that knows the value of love is apt to want to feel as though they have finished their business beforehand. That is what we tell ourselves, but we know we will never manage to cover it all. There will always be a regret. That is if there is anything past this. And this my friends is the thought in that moment when you hold the pills in your hand or you make the first cut. Panic. At least for me. In that moment the panic is what takes the courage away and then there is shame for being so weak and knowing that soon enough I will find myself in this moment again so why can't I just do it now? This time I went and attempted to get as much as I could out. It isn't enough, but if I went anytime soon, without further writing, I would at least feel that I said something of importance. I have more but I am long-winded. I did not write nearly enough to my son. I wrote a lot to my daughter. Many pages. I wrote a bit to the masses but in truth, in the end, the kids are most in my thoughts. Everyone else that matters has been privy to this whole ugly thing and this process so they shouldn't have much to question and this blog should fill in any holes, if not, I guess that is life, or is it death? I don't know. I'm still here. I'm neither proud of that fact or horrified. Just tired at the moment. Your judgement is nothing in the big scheme of all this so think what you will. It's a free country (or it once was). 

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