Getting Kicked When You Are Already Down is Cruel

I wish I was dead right this minute. If I have to listen to how I have ruined my mothers life one more time I swear to god... make it stop. She just keeps restarting. I refuse to take responsibility for her choices. I wish I could change the burden I am causing her by existing in her little world and lacking money and resources and friends to rely on and such but she seems to think I want this and it's making me lose it more. I get it. It sucks ass. I've lost all dignity. I am worthless to others. I GET IT. I mean how many times will she tell me how she waited so long for me to never live with her again? She didn't live with me when she was suppose to have been my parent. I lived at my friends house and on the streets. She abandoned me. She packed up and moved away without a word and left my stuff. She acts like I have come to live with her over and over rather than for 3 decades I lived without her except when SHE needed a place to live and then she came to me for a place to live, not the other way around. Hell, even the time we shared the place in Temecula wasn't my idea. I was totally and completely against it, but Paul wanted to do it because he hated the house we had been in for over a decade. And that was the beginning of the lose of my sanity and the entire life I had built for decades. Why am I being punished like this? She should be on Pauls doorstep. I mean if she must blame someone. I didn't kick myself out or cheat or lie or wait until I had total control to decide to show my scumbag side. He did it to me not her and now she punishes me over and over. Gawd, I know what she is going to say word for word before she even starts. I start shaking as soon as I see the body language and hear the tone. 

fuck

fuck fuck

fuck fuck

fuck

Sorry about the rant but I had to do something while she yelled at me...

and I hope you are having a pleasant day! :)