Thursday, December 26, 2013

Dear Agony- Yadda Yadda Yadda

Dear Agony

Michele • 2 months ago
Sometimes death seems the only way out. Sometimes this is the only light visible. Maybe the universe is just trying really hard to get this message to me and as long as I ignore it, I suffer more. This is how it feels. This is the only answer as to 'why' that I can come up with. Even those that have caused much of this chaos are incapable of telling why they have done it. Even they claim to not think it is deserved yet there it is and there it continues to hit with the intensity of the oceans and the winds and the universe. So, this idea that it will improve looks pretty damn bleak from these shoes. I wish it didn't but it does and all the positive intentions and prayers and output of cries for help or respite or even just acknowledgement go unanswered. I'm tired. I'm in pain. I am not the strong person I once was and I just want to feel something that doesn't hurt. So yeah. There it is. Dear Agony... Please just go away. MP
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Dear Agony  Michele • 2 months ago
Hi Michele. I certainly understand that depth of suffering and I'm sorry you're going through the "dark night of the soul" right now. Please know that everything does happen in cycles and you can certainly get through whatever pain you're experiencing now. I have been there several times myself and I can honestly tell you that the old saying "When you're at the end of your rope, hang on" applies.
Life changes on a dime and what we feel as insurmountable today will become stepping stones to our greatest accomplishments tomorrow. Of course we can never see this at the time of suffering just like when we walk down a city block we don't know what is around the corner...until we turn the corner. I wish you the strength and emotional support you need to help you turn the corner. Agony goes away when you work through it...keep doing the work and consider the support of a trusted counselor. I know you can kick agony's butt!
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Michele  Maria DeSimone • a few seconds ago
Sigh. I have discovered that it is impossible to express what is happening in a way that anyone can actually relate to, and since the shit keeps rolling in, I have given up trying. Some things just can't be explained. Some experiences can never be expressed in a way that will give them the intensity that they deserve, This is what makes the difference between a good writer and a great writer. The great writer can find just the right flow and words to take the reader directly to THAT place, I am not a writer, yet. When I can express this reality fully I will know that I am on my way though.
As for counseling. I always find the assumption that all people have access to these things funny. I mean it isn't rocket science that today in this country most adults either don't have any health insurance or if they do they can not afford to use it. It is also common knowledge that this amazing country has chosen to cut all social service benefits to the bone. So again, whenever I see this 'suggestion' next to some poor suffering schmuck like my own cries for help, all I can do is either fume at the complete lack of reality or laugh... at the complete lack of reality.
Now. I know that your reply is with the best of intentions. I mean, isn't everyone's? But I have a very important piece of advice. Something everyone must learn NOW about dealing with those that are on the edge... when you downplay our pain you are intensifying our 'not worthiness'. If I was 18 years old then what you have written to me might make sense and it might even help me BUT I am 46 years old and I was born into a world of chaos. To tell me that 'life works in cycles' and that 'life can change on a dime'.... NO SHIT. It is condescending to a person like myself to have generic crap said to me over and over and over and it is one of the many reasons that staying in this life seems like the worst possible answer. There is no hope for this world if everything has gone the fast food route... and everything has. Generic love, generic image, generic answers, generic care... if it takes any real emotion, energy, or brain power, most people can't be bothered. Just smile more/look at the bright side/find the light/focus on the good ... WHERE? Lead me to it. Lead me to that light. Take me to that bright side. Seriously.YOU MUST TREAD VERY CAREFULLY WITH PEOPLE LIKE ME. If all you have is generic then you would be better to say nothing. That hurts as well but at least you can justify silence as possibly something that is not personal. A reply that is more of the same crap just solidifies the suicidal person's idea that THIS IS ALL THERE IS. This is what you have to grasp onto. Which is pathetic and comical all at once. Also, probably not a good idea to tell us that we can get through it either. This is another condescending statement which tells us that we are weak. To feel THIS pained and to not be capable of this weight any longer, a weight that continues to get heavier and heavier with each passing day and to not even feel the love we have for our children or families at the worst of these moments and then to be told the generic crap and or 'you can get through it.' Do you look at someone being raped and say 'you can get through it' ? Or do you beat the shit out of the rapist and get the victim to care? Sigh. It's been a long two months (when I guess I originally posted) and I can tell you that it has been a lesson in IT CAN GET WORSE and THERE IS NO BOTTOM. You can't start climbing your way up if there is no bottom.
Now as for Kathryn... How old are you? Seriously Girl. IfYouTellYouDie??? WTF. I haven't gone there. I won't be going there. A name such as that brings two things to mind... Bad and Worse. I do not want to have to type, in an address bar, the very words spoken by rapists, child molesters, criminals and manipulative assholes. Just reading it brings back shit I don't need to think about. I have my hands full now with my adult life issues. I would hope maybe you would reconsider the web address at some point. For all that is good and decent... please.
Anyway. THIS. What I have just done. Writing. THIS has been what has kept me alive to this point. Although it may sound harsh and like I am attacking, I am not. I am teaching. I am trying very very very hard to teach how NOT to speak to us. How NOT to contribute to the despair. How good intentions mean shit to the person suffering. We hear the bare bones of what is being said. We don't see the frilly stuff or the candy coating anymore. We see right down to the core. The piles of generic contribute to the weight and the weight is what we are ready to relieve ourselves of because the crushing is suffocating us, even if everyone else isn't noticing that we are turning blue...
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Kathryn  Maria DeSimone • 2 months ago
Thank you for your encouraging words.
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Kathryn  Michele • 2 months ago −
Hi Michele,
I also understand the agony and the "giving up" you are experiencing. I suffer from Dissociative Identity Disorder and have often (more than I'd like to think) and wanted to check out. I'm in therapy and have found a mission to help me with the intense loneliness and isolation. However, I could not and can not go this road without treatment. I work hard in therapy and it is painful and exhausting...I'm hanging on to the chance at recovery and my mission. It would be wonderful if you had someone you could share with, a counselor is an excellent idea and will help you to not feel so alone. Please visit my web site and if you would like to share on the sharing page. It is a new web site and Would like to create a community of those who are struggling with trauma. Please know you are not alone. I wish you courage and strength.

My web site is in my pen name. You will need to type the web address in, on the address bar as it is not in all the search engines yet. It is dark and can be very depressing but there is also hope!!!!!!!

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Speak... please! And thank you! I am still waiting for a comment. Anyone?? Crickets... figures.