Sunday, December 22, 2013

WHY DO I POST ALL THIS? THE ANSWER.

I POST ALL THIS UGLY SHIT BECAUSE I DON'T PLAN ON BEING HERE TO ACCEPT THIS SHIT MUCH LONGER. I POST BECAUSE EVERY DAMN DAY SOMEONE ENDS THE SHIT THEY ARE TOO TIRED TO CARRY ALONE ANYMORE, AND THE SAME BULLSHIT REACTION TAKES OVER. SUDDENLY, EVERY GOD DAMN PERSON THE DEAD PERSON KNEW CLAIMS HOW MUCH THEY LOVED AND CARED FOR THE DECEASED. THEY CLAIM HOW SHOCKED THEY ARE. HOW THEY HAD NO IDEA. HOW IF ONLY THEY KNEW. IF THEY KNEW THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN THERE... AND THEY BLAME THE DEAD PERSON FOR BEING TOO WEAK OR SICK TO SEE HOW MANY PEOPLE CARED AND WERE THERE FOR THEM. WELL YA'ALL, I'M CALLING BULLSHIT. BULL SHIT. I LET MY EGO AND MY RESPECT FOR MYSELF GO AGES AND AGES AGO. I HAVE BEEN ASKING, BEGGING, SCREAMING, CRYING. POSTING, PLEADING AND EVERY OTHER FUCKING UNIMAGINABLE THING TO GET ANYONE TO NOTICE ME, HEAR ME, HELP ME... AND EXCEPT FOR MY EX-BOYFRIEND IN HIGH SCHOOL AND ONE OF MY DAUGHTERS FRIENDS FROM WHEN SHE WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, NO ONE HAS GIVEN A RATS ASS. A FEW HAVE VOICED WANTING TO HELP (WORDS WORDS WORDS), OR OFFERED TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE OPTIONS, WHICH THEY SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WERE IMPOSSIBLE BEFORE PRESENTING THEM TO ME. I MEAN HOW FUCKING CLEAR DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE THAT THEY HAVE NO MONEY, NO JOB AND BAD HEALTH? IS IT REALLY NORMAL FOR PEOPLE TO ASSUME THAT WHEN A PERSON IS AT LIVING IN A CAR POINT IN THEIR LIFE THAT THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE A FEW THOUSAND BUCKS JUST LAYING AROUND? REALLY? IS THIS WHAT SOCIETY BELIEVES TRULY BEING DOWN AND OUT EQUATES TO? STILL HAVING THOUSANDS LAYING AROUND? HUH? WTF? WAKE UP PEOPLE. DOWN AND OUT TODAY IS FUCKING MISERABLE AND IT MEANS NO MONEY FOR ANYTHING. IT MEANS TAKING ABUSE TO KEEP A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD. IT MEANS LETTING UGLY FUCKING SICK IN THE HEAD PEOPLE CONTROL YOUR LIFE TO HAVE THAT ROOF AS WELL. I HAVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR JUST UNDER TWO YEARS NOW AND JUST WHEN YOU THINK IT CAN'T BE WORSE... IT IS. WORSE YET IS WHEN THAT WORSE IS COMING FROM THE ONE PERSON IN LIFE WE ALL SHOULD FEEL LOVED BY... YOUR MOTHER. BUT WORSE YET IS REALIZING THAT EVEN YOUR OWN CHILD HAS LEARNED TO PUSH YOU TO THE BACK OF THEIR CONSCIENCE. TO HAVE THAT CHILD, ON THE RARE OCCASION THAT THEY NOTICE OR INTERACT WITH YOU, ACTUALLY SPEW THE GENERIC RAINBOWS AND HAPPY THOUGHTS SHIT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN SWALLOWING FOR AGES NOW... THAT'S THE MOMENT YOU REALIZE THERE IS NO POINT ANYMORE. NO ONE IS COMING. NO ONE IS EVEN NOTICING ANYMORE. YOU HAVE BECOME AN ANNOYING GNAT THAT EVERYONE WISHES WOULD JUST SHUT UP AND GO THE FUCK AWAY... SO THIS IS THE PLAN, BUT I'LL BE GOD DAMNED IF I'M GOING TO DO IT AND NOT CALL OUT ALL THE PEOPLE BEFORE THEY START THEIR POOR, SAD, 'OMG! WHY?' BULLSHIT. EVERY FUCKING PERSON KNOWS WHY AND EVERY ONE OF THEM HAD A CHANCE. SO IF ANYONE SAYS OTHERWISE THEY ARE FUCKING LYING THROUGH THEIR TEETH BECAUSE IF THEY COULDN'T SPARE $5 EACH EVEN, OR LEND A HAND IN SOME WAY TO A PERSON BEGGING BUT THEY COULD BUY ANOTHER FUCKING MOCHA LATTE' THEN THEY HAVE NO GRIP ON HUMANITY OR COMMON SENSE OR COMMON DECENCY OR LOVE... SO THANK YOU FOR NOT SEEING ME. THANK YOU FOR THE ADDED WEIGHT OF THAT ON TOP OF THE SHIT I WAS ALREADY DRAGGING AROUND TRYING TO LET GO OF. AND THE CONDESCENDING WORDS AS WELL. MY GOD, ARE YOU GUYS ON DRUGS? DO YO REALLY BELIEVE YOUR SHIT? DO YOU REALLY READ THE LAST TWO YEARS OF POSTS AND THINK, 'IF SHE JUST SMILED AND LOOKED AT THE BRIGHT SIDE!' WHAT BRIGHT SIDE?? WHERE? HERE IS MY HAND... LEAD THE FUCKING WAY. SUCH WEAK BULLSHIT. ITS AN EASY OUT WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED BY ANOTHER PERSONS NEED. JUST FACE IT. YOU'RE ALL TOO IMPORTANT IN YOUR OWN MIND TO ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE ELSE IF IT MEANS ANY KIND OF SACRIFICE. THIS IS ONE OF THOSE CORROSIONS OF HUMANITY TODAY. NO ONE IS LEARNING THE VALUE OF SACRIFICE. NO ONE IS LEARNING ANYTHING OF VALUE TO THE SOUL. MAKES ME SICK.

ALL I WANTED WAS TO SMILE, CARE FOR OTHERS AND HAVE A HOME. TO NOT FEEL LIKE A FUCKING HINDRANCE OR WASTE OF FLESH AND TO NOT BE USED AND THROWN AWAY YET AGAIN. WHAT I GOT WAS THE SHOCKING REALITY OF THE WORLD TODAY. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO GET MY SON OUT OF THIS FUCKING HELL HOLE BEFORE I GO. AND THAT MY 'FRIENDS' IS WHY I AM STILL HERE. IT IS NOT BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN CRYING WOLF OR TRYING TO GET ANY KIND OF ATTENTION. I AM HERE FOR HIM. I AM HERE UNTIL I EITHER CAN'T FIGHT IT ANYMORE IN ANY WAY OR HE IS SOMEWHERE WITH PEOPLE WHO GIVE A FUCK. SADLY, HE DOESN'T HAVE ANYONE WHO CARES BUT ME IT SEEMS, BUT I WILL KEEP TRYING TO GET BY UNTIL I CAN GET HIM GOOD. HE HAS BEEN THE ONLY PERSON TAKING CARE OF ME AT ALL. HE IS THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS STOOD UP FOR ME. THE ONLY PERSON WHO HAS VOICED CONCERN FOR LEAVING ME, KNOWING THAT THE OUTCOME WILL NOT BE PRETTY. HE ALSO KNOWS I AM TRYING VERY HARD TO GET THROUGH EACH MINUTE. SO... I'M HERE FOR HIM AND I AM GONE FIRST CHANCE I GET ONCE HE IS SAFE. HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND NEW YEAR FUCKERS. I LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU SUCK. 

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