Monday, December 30, 2013

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!

IT WAS ONE YEAR AGO EXACTLY, TO THE HOUR, THAT I FINALLY GOT AWAY FROM J. AN EPIC COMING TOGETHER OF FATE AND TIMING AND YOVILLE. WHAT I THOUGHT WOULD BE THE BEGINNING OF BIGGER AND BETTER TIMES AS WELL. MAN, WAS I DELUSIONAL. NOTHING COULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR THIS. 
SO HOW DO YOU APPROACH A NEW YEAR FROM A PLACE LIKE THIS? 
I CAN'T WISH FOR LOVE AS I AM TAINTED TO THE POINT OF CAT LADY STATUS.
I CAN'T WISH FOR PROSPERITY BECAUSE IT'S BEEN OPPOSITE-VILLE FOR AGES. I AM TOO SCARED TO HOPE OR WISH FOR GOOD THINGS ANYMORE. 
ROCK BOTTOM SEEMS TO BE A NEVER ENDING PIT, WHICH MEANS I CAN'T STAND UP BECAUSE THERE IS NO FLOOR.
I'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH AND LEARNED SO MUCH THAT I AM SCAREY TO BE AROUND IT SEEMS. 
NEW PEOPLE EITHER THINK I AM A LIAR OR WANT TO TREAT ME LIKE J DID AND MY MOM DOES. 
I AM A LEPER. I GET WHY AT THIS POINT, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET ABOVE AND BEYOND. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE THIS LONELY AND EMBRACE THAT THIS IS IT. THIS IS HOW IT WILL BE AND I MUST FIND A WAY TO BE OK WITH THAT. I AM A CAREGIVER BY NATURE. I LIVE TO LOVE. I LIVE TO PROTECT. HOW DO I CHANGE THE VERY ESSENCE OF MY BEING TO SOMETHING VOID OF THE VERY BREATH THAT I NEED TO FUNCTION? THE MOST NATURAL THING I KNOW IS TO LOVE AND CARE FOR OTHERS. MY KIDS ARE GROWN, I HAVE NO FAMILY AND I AM TO BE ALONE AS WELL. WTH DO I DO TO FUNCTION AND EMBRACE THIS REALITY WHILE STILL FEELING REASON ENOUGH TO LIVE?
IMAGINE LOSING YOUR GREATEST ABILITIES. AS AN ARTIST YOUR HANDS OR VISION. A SINGER, YOUR VOICE. A WRITER, YOUR ABILITY TO THINK. 
I'M SO LOST AND IT SEEMS THAT EVERYONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY THOSE THAT DON'T KNOW THEIR OWN ASS FROM A HOLE IN THE WALL FEEL THE NEED TO TELL ME HOW PATHETIC I AM. IF YOU CAN LISTEN TO MY LIFE STORY; THE PAST TWO YEARS PARTICULARLY, AND STILL BELIEVE THAT MY EPIC BOUTS OF DEPRESSION, PAIN, AND SUICIDAL THOUGHTS HAVE NOT BEEN EARNED THEN YOU ARE TRULY HEARTLESS AND BROKEN YOURSELF. YOU LACK THE TRUE MEANINGS OF LOVE AND EMPATHY. YOU STILL HAVE A LOT OF GROWING AND LEARNING TO DO. I FIGURE I SCARE YOU GUYS AND THIS IS WHY YOU FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE FREE REIGN TO SPEW YOUR BULLSHIT JUDGEMENTS ON ME. 
WE ALWAYS TRY TO DESTROY WHAT WE FEAR, DON'T WE?
WE RUN AWAY, AND WE ATTACK AND WE AVOID. JUST LIKE I AM DOING ABOUT HOPE AND POSSIBILITY. I FEAR ANYMORE REJECTION, ABUSE OR LETDOWNS. SO I AM PUSHING POSSIBILITY AWAY BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN NOT TAKE ANYMORE BAD. ESPECIALLY BAD THAT I HAVE SOMEHOW CHOSEN WITH MY STUPID HOPES AND DREAMS. OR BAD COMING FROM THINKING I SEE SOMETHING SPECIAL IN OTHERS. 
NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: ONLY SEE WHAT IS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME. NO MORE LOOKING DEEPER OR PAST THE SURFACE ANYMORE. 

HAPPY ALMOST NEW YEAR. I LOVE YOU. 



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