Saturday, December 7, 2013

Loneliness Sucks.

Seriously. Loneliness is painful after a while. When you hit the point where you miss touch, any kind of touch, you know you are lonely. It's been a year since I've had a peck on the lips. Over a year and half for sex, the same for real kisses. I actually miss the asshole from that time based purely on the yearning to be touched and have someone, anyone to see, hear, feel and take care of as well. THAT IS SERIOUSLY SAD SHIT. Even knowing now it was all a game I find myself missing it. Shit gets real when you dig that low for your last 'affectionate' encounters. I've had a few hugs. A couple from Mel, a longtime friend who I adore but not in 'that' way as he is rockstar guy, which isn't something I am big on, plus he likes them younger, more flighty and chaotic in a way I just don't do. And D. hugged me maybe twice. Meh. He never really cared much either. I know I have been an anchor for him and nothing more. Thankfully, I never saw F in person. At least not in the last 3 decades. So yeah, that leaves J as my last 'romantic' (faked though it was on his part) interaction. And the 13 plus years before that were mostly forced, spaced far and few between and just awkward in a way that no other relationship I have ever been in was... so... now what?

I'll be in bumbfuck egypt in 24 hours. I'll have my pick of a population of 3000 old people, drug dealers and gawd knows whom and what else. Sounds plentiful. Yeah, more like time to buy myself a pregnant cat and start my lonely cat lady existence. Maybe this is why it is hitting me so hard tonight? I know what the next day could mean and it doesn't look good where companionship is concerned.

I have only wanted a few things my entire life.
1. A family. A real family that may fight but ALWAYS has one anothers back and spends important events together.  Nope. Fail.
2. A safe secure home that FEELS like home. Nope. Only once for about a year in the 46 plus I have lived. It is almost cruel that I had that year because I know what I am missing, so I long for it even more.
3. People to care for that care for me back daily. Beyond my kids there has been very limited experience with this as well. Enough to know what I am missing and enough for it to hurt.
4. To be loved by a person as I love them. Nothing more or less, just get and give. So very much not looking like this will ever happen either. Maybe I can get a dog one day.They are loyal and loving. That is something, but still not enough to feel whole and vital and really here.

So, goin' off the grid to some degree tomorrow. Until I know just how much internet access I have I can't say how or if I will be posting much. I am praying for at least the ability to post here. It's all I have, and I need it.

And thanks to exactly ZERO people for helping us with this move and you know, checking up on us and how we are doing in general and all. Fuck you too. Family... friends... where? I don't see anyone or anything. It's just me, my son and my fucked up Mom. At least she showed up in some way. If no one else I know could manage to up THAT then you know you suck ass as friends. And the award goes to... ALL OF YOU! Thanks ya all. Now piss the fuck off. I have rural life to conquer, or some shit like that. 

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