I'll be in bumbfuck egypt in 24 hours. I'll have my pick of a population of 3000 old people, drug dealers and gawd knows whom and what else. Sounds plentiful. Yeah, more like time to buy myself a pregnant cat and start my lonely cat lady existence. Maybe this is why it is hitting me so hard tonight? I know what the next day could mean and it doesn't look good where companionship is concerned.
I have only wanted a few things my entire life.
1. A family. A real family that may fight but ALWAYS has one anothers back and spends important events together. Nope. Fail.
2. A safe secure home that FEELS like home. Nope. Only once for about a year in the 46 plus I have lived. It is almost cruel that I had that year because I know what I am missing, so I long for it even more.
3. People to care for that care for me back daily. Beyond my kids there has been very limited experience with this as well. Enough to know what I am missing and enough for it to hurt.
4. To be loved by a person as I love them. Nothing more or less, just get and give. So very much not looking like this will ever happen either. Maybe I can get a dog one day.They are loyal and loving. That is something, but still not enough to feel whole and vital and really here.
So, goin' off the grid to some degree tomorrow. Until I know just how much internet access I have I can't say how or if I will be posting much. I am praying for at least the ability to post here. It's all I have, and I need it.
And thanks to exactly ZERO people for helping us with this move and you know, checking up on us and how we are doing in general and all. Fuck you too. Family... friends... where? I don't see anyone or anything. It's just me, my son and my fucked up Mom. At least she showed up in some way. If no one else I know could manage to up THAT then you know you suck ass as friends. And the award goes to... ALL OF YOU! Thanks ya all. Now piss the fuck off. I have rural life to conquer, or some shit like that.