Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Welcome to one of my many nightmares.

Luther: Season 1: Episode 1.4 Did I Just Miss A Bullet?

I am having a REALLY bad week, or weeks; plural. Hell, months, years... whatever. Anyway, my coping skills become more and more limited. Netflix and a razor are pretty much all that keep me going these days. So after 166 episodes of Bones, which was excellent btw, I am now watching BBC's Luther.

In episode 1.4 I was taken aback by the realization that I may have dodged a horrifying bullet. If you choose to watch the episode then I will ask you to focus on the scene where Linda is brought into the interrogation room. Listen to her tell how long and why she stayed with this man. Connect to the way he manipulated her into staying with his threats of suicide and his attempts as well... that was me. Now, that isn't much in itself. I mean for normal people it might be but in my life it really is just a small beast. What is terrifying is the path her husband eventually pursues. What is terrifying is that much of that path reflects the horrific things my ex was writing about doing on a very public website.

So here I was being manipulated in the same way as this character by a person writing about stalking and raping women. Did I dodge a bullet when I figured it all out or did he stage everything to attempt to save himself from eventually acting out on his writings? Or, did he act any of those writings out and I just don't know about it? Or, did he act them out sexually with people he was sleeping with to detour from actually doing the things he wrote about? Either or, it is terrifying to imagine. It is why I sent my daughter away as soon as I found the writings. It is one of the many reasons I am so horribly broken today.

Welcome to one of my many nightmares... 

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