Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Does It Ever Start Getting Better or at Least Not Worse?

Oh God, I am so incredibly screwed. 
The only reason I have managed to stay fed for the past few months is because of the kindness of a very dear to my heart friend who has been sending me $200 a month to stay fed. Now, I have 2 credit cards that I accepted and used to feed my son and myself when we first ended up on this hill of hell. Both were maxed out when my son got lucky and managed to escape and that was why I sent him away in the first place. We had absolutely zero money left. 
So today this dear friend let me know that, due to issues beyond her control, she will not be able to continue, at least for a few months. I get it. I love her and I know I don't even deserve it. I appreciate it beyond words, but I am fucking scared to death now. I don't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for any of this but that's pretty obvious. Anyway, I can't really relate the level of internal fear and anxiety I am feeling at this moment. As it was the $200 paid the $75 for the 2 credit card payments at bare minimum payments, the $30 it costs in gas to get down the hill to food (once a month) and that left me with $95 for food a month... A MONTH, and I was thankful for that. But now what? 
Now...
what?
OMG. Breathe.
I just want to be able to breathe.
I miss my old, shitty, fucked up, lie filled life. It's amazing how beautiful shit becomes when you reach this level of poverty and desperation. I will never again question how people end up dead, insane, immoral, addicted, fat or just what seems worthless while living in complete poverty. My homeless years made me think it just took more internal strength to survive but I have officially been knocked off my high horse. I get it now. I was lucky back in those homeless days, I just wasn't all that aware of it then. 
I am now. 
God, what am I going to do? 
Breathe.
Try to breathe.





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