Thursday, April 9, 2015

Nothing is the answer.

Well, I can now say that I have tried everything. I made my final plea and asked my ex if I could move back if him and his gf ever split. To clarify, that would be to use a spare room not to couple up. A few years ago I would have laughed in a persons face who had suggested that I might one day find myself this pathetic, needy and hopeless. Being as I was always the problem solver finding myself this lacking at something so important as saving my own life seems... what's a good word? Unreal? Not really intense enough. Fathomless works.
So between trying to figure out how to get rid of all this useless shit and how to get my son his shit since he still hasn't found a way to come pick it up and worrying about the fact that I will be abandoning a child/adult who needs me, no matter what anyone else believes, I feel rather frustrated. Autistics, whether high functioning or not need to have someone near they can trust to remind them and push them to do some of the basics required for adult life. Like taxes, and getting health insurance and eating somewhat decent once in awhile and so on. When I sent my son away I believed the people around him would be more supporting but it seems they think getting him to stop smoking is smarter than replacing the cigs with alcohol, which horrifies me since drug and alcohol addiction not only run on both sides of the bloodline in mass, but also because Autistics tend to have high addiction issues as well. He still can't drive but "Hey! He drinks all weekend with us!" Thanks for the fucking support. Anyway, I haven't seen either of my kids in about 6 months. I guess holding on to hoping to spend some time with them is fruitless. Maybe it is better this way. Maybe the void will just seem normal.
I don't know.
I don't know shit. That is what this life has taught me. No one knows a god damn thing. That's nirvana. That's the big answer to the big question we spend our lives trying to find. We know nothing and without love and support nothing flourishes. 

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Speak... please! And thank you! I am still waiting for a comment. Anyone?? Crickets... figures.