Monday, February 17, 2014

Walking On Eggshells

I find myself crying randomly lately. A lot.

This is what I always imagined depression to look like, you know, like the commercials.

The thing is, that it happens in moments when I realize how nothing has changed in my life except the scenery.
Moments when I realize that, I continue to tiptoe around rather than walk normally because for so many years everyone had to tread lightly so P could sleep. He was prone to some nasty outbursts when he did not sleep well and I tried very hard to avoid them for the decade and a half we lived under the same roof.

Now I find myself continuing this at my moms. Anything to avoid stirring her or calling attention to myself. I do not want to be inundated with anything else. I get it already. No need to shove more of it down my already choking throat. I empathize, I just don't appreciate the need to cut me with words and implications that rarely have anything to do with anything I am responsible for and more times than not are acts that have been inflicted upon me many times in the past by this person cutting me, for what? Pleasure? Satisfaction? Personal feelings of control or superiority? Loneliness? I am lonely as well, but I am not out there hurting anyone with my pain needlessly. I do not get it. I will never get not relating to the pain of a child I bore or wanting to inflict more of it upon one of them. I would die in a nanosecond to insure my children avoid this kind of pain, or this level of 'life lesson.' The damage is too much to justify any wisdom gained. To add to it is just cruel. I love my mom but she pains me deeply. I wish I could help her but a lifetime has shown me that I could never, ever, do anything to make her feel more whole or just happy. It just can't be done by me for some reason.

I already carry the load for two people every second of every minute of every hour of every day. I already spend my nights and days trapped and agonized over my son and his future; missing my daughter. Missing life, friends, touch, fast food... grocery stores, laughter, a moment of hope and CVS. I really miss CVS. LOL.

Driving with the window down, the music on, a cig and not thinking about being pulled over, or the tires, brakes, or leaking oil and steering fluid or the amount of gas each mile or hill is using. These are things I can only dream about today. These are things so far out of my reach that I have become indifferent to this life. I scare myself now. That is a strange sensation. Fearing me and my indifference. If it were not for that orb within me where my children exist I guarentee I would not be writing this right now. I know this as fact. And again, this scares me.

There is no enjoyment in anything. Everything is tainted by someone else’s need to make others suffer or its tainted with money or dread or pain or anger for the pain and loss, a lot of loss that I try very hard not to dwell on or think about, but then I catch myself tiptoeing around...

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