Saturday, February 1, 2014

Someday You Will Know

Someday, you will make all the wrong choices for all the right reasons.
You will have no idea that you have stepped on a ticking time bomb.
You will only know that you are/were trying to do the right thing.
You are/were trying to be a good person.
You won't know that no one else is/was doing the same.
You won't know yet,
that you are/were surrounded by deceivers
and ones that have not
and will not
take you into consideration
as they make their selfish choices or that
they will eventually use those choices to continually stab you
until you are near nothing
but blood and raw nerve.
You will find yourself battling so many demons alone
that death  seems like a beautiful option.
A calm ending to the chaos.
And you will fight.
You will fight with everything you can muster to not give in
to the warmth of that thought.
And still, people will judge.
People will assume.
People who have no idea what you are living in
will make statements to you
that do not pertain to your circumstances
but to their own limited experience.
And you will try to forgive them for their naivete.
You will try.
They will be relentless in their determination to make you less than though.
To make you at fault even
when the reality is that there is no fault.

This is life.

This is the risk we take to love and to trust and to survive.

There isn't always a clear road to fault and there isn't always a clear road to repair.
And sometimes,
sometimes,
the universe or the gods, or fate
just slam you over
and over
and over again,
and they will continue to judge without ever knowing the reality of living it.

I am glad that most people do not have a clue what living like this is about. Really, it is above and beyond inhumane and honestly, how much damn wisdom is a person suppose to accumulate at once while suffering the entire time as well? I mean at what point do you say I have all the wisdom I can handle for the moment, now please let me rest?
Or let me die.
Just let me be something that is not painful and exhausting and forever broken.
When?

Everything that I have lost recently has been shocking and painful. Life altering as well.
To lose my child though.
There are no words.
And again, as the theme seems to be, I never would have believed it was possible until now.
In two months more shocking losses have come my way then in my entire life.
Things I was not prepared for and things that still make no logical sense at all.
Things I could not have prepared for any better than I was because you can't prepare for the improbable or the unexpected, particularly when you have near nothing in the first place.
And the loss of health, well, no one is ever prepared to find out that another person has stolen that from them.
So, point your fingers.
Lay your blame.
Make your judgements.
But God forbid you ever find yourself crawling along this path.
God forbid you ever find out how truly alone you are and how absolutely false the world around has become.
God forbid you be the shunned one.

I suffer from severe chronic depression
A.D.D.
Chronic pain in my entire body at this point but in my spine for the last 25 years caused by DDD, Arthritis, inflammation and who knows what else at this point.
Anxiety
Female problems for decades
IBS for decades
2 STD's now, neither of which will ever go away and neither of which I was aware I was being exposed to and one of which is THE cause of cervical cancer.
I have two broken bridges in my mouth one on each side on top each being 3 teeth, so 3 useless teeth or spaces on top on each side. An exposed nerve and huge hole in a real tooth on top in back on one side and a missing tooth on the bottom on the other, and countless lost fillings in all my other teeth front included from clenching and grinding my jaw in my sleep. This has been going on for two years and at this point is another chronic source of pain.
The joints in my hands swell and I lose the use of my left thumb now.
I have chronic foot, toe and calf spasms and thigh spasms as well but less often
I recently began having debilitating ovarian pain in BOTH ovaries. It last for days, causes me to have fevers and scares the shit out of me.
I lose my ability to think properly on occasion as well. I assume it is from poor nutrition, infection and stress.
This is just my physical list.

This does not include the loss of food stamps, financial aid, and EDD we have been hit with in the last 5 weeks. That is a lot of financial hits in 5 weeks.
We have no vehicle and have even lost the use of the 8 mile a gallon truck due to a flat tire. A new one is 300.
We live in a rural area without grocery stores or any of the basics of normal life.
We shop at Circle K when we have any money to spend because the only car we can use has no insurance or registration and can only be risked to drive late and in the dark. The town market closes with the sun here and it is insanely expensive anyway.
We can not walk around at all at night due to wild animals and attacks.
And we live at my moms who makes us feel like satans children every chance she gets, even when she masks it in niceties.
We are fully aware we are not wanted.

So,
if you can read this list
and imagine even half of it as your life,
and you can still look me in the eye
and judge me
then you better just hope
you don't find yourself really here someday.
But guess what?
I never would have imagined myself here either 
and look at me now. 
Just take a cold hard look. 
There but for the grace of God.... 

Peace.

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