Trying to find humor in my poverty. Ha. Ha. Ha.

We All Just Want To Be Seen-Lonely Homeless Man

This is it. This is what is missing in the world today. It's all most of us really want and need (even if most haven't figured it out yet). A little humanity and human contact, some affirmation that we aren't just ghosts, forgotten by everyone or looked upon like trash because we hit hard times. It shouldn't be so hard, but it is and it's killing a lot of us. 

Must Be Something In The Water 'Cause You Can't Write This Shit

Ah, poverty mixed with rural living. This is my upper mouth/teeth. Those are my two broken bridges on each side of my mouth and the lower right arrow is the awesome tooth now destroying any will I can find left to live. The pain is brutal and us without a dentist for 30 miles in any direction... I got antibiotics and 800mg Ibuprofen but it's taking 3 of them at a time to help and that is liver and kidney destroying since Ibuprofen has been my only source of pain management for the last 30 years including spinal surgery, foot surgery, 2 c-sections, getting my wisdom teeth pulled and various uteral surgeries. My point? My kidneys and liver have already taken a beating. I'm actually scared of the damage I might cause now. I knew I should have taken up alcoholism like my mom. I bet I'd have a perfectly trained steel version that I wouldn't have to be worrying about. It always works out like that. Or so it seems. 
So, I guess my last posts question about it getting better rather than worse has been answered... looks like worse wins again. At least I excel at something. Something that sucks ass but something. Yea me. Fuck. I write this stuff here but what I really want to do it destroy things with my bare hands because being passive is killing me. Being level is killing me. BEING is killing me. 
Fuck
fuck
fuckity
fuck 
fuck. 

Does It Ever Start Getting Better or at Least Not Worse?

Oh God, I am so incredibly screwed. 
The only reason I have managed to stay fed for the past few months is because of the kindness of a very dear to my heart friend who has been sending me $200 a month to stay fed. Now, I have 2 credit cards that I accepted and used to feed my son and myself when we first ended up on this hill of hell. Both were maxed out when my son got lucky and managed to escape and that was why I sent him away in the first place. We had absolutely zero money left. 
So today this dear friend let me know that, due to issues beyond her control, she will not be able to continue, at least for a few months. I get it. I love her and I know I don't even deserve it. I appreciate it beyond words, but I am fucking scared to death now. I don't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for this. I wasn't prepared for any of this but that's pretty obvious. Anyway, I can't really relate the level of internal fear and anxiety I am feeling at this moment. As it was the $200 paid the $75 for the 2 credit card payments at bare minimum payments, the $30 it costs in gas to get down the hill to food (once a month) and that left me with $95 for food a month... A MONTH, and I was thankful for that. But now what? 
Now...
what?
OMG. Breathe.
I just want to be able to breathe.
I miss my old, shitty, fucked up, lie filled life. It's amazing how beautiful shit becomes when you reach this level of poverty and desperation. I will never again question how people end up dead, insane, immoral, addicted, fat or just what seems worthless while living in complete poverty. My homeless years made me think it just took more internal strength to survive but I have officially been knocked off my high horse. I get it now. I was lucky back in those homeless days, I just wasn't all that aware of it then. 
I am now. 
God, what am I going to do? 
Breathe.
Try to breathe.

System of a Down Lonely Day + lyrics

Yep. Been one of those days, again.

TMI

I think I share too much information with people when I connect. Probably, because I almost never get to interact with other humans anymore. That and my life is well, my life and it's impossible to make sense of it without any information. A lot of information. Sigh. I'm hopeless. It's hopeless. Amazing how I was once such a strong and confidant person. I don't think I used to scare people away. I don't know. It's been like 16 years since I knew that girl. I hope she's well wherever she went...
I miss her.

What Do They See?

I wish daily that what I feel emotionally and physically (chronic pain) was visible. I think I would rather walk around looking scary but being understood and cared for than having no one give a shit because I 'look fine' on the outside. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I cut is to create SOMETHING that can be seen. What I have figured out though is that with all the damage I have done to my left arm not a single person has EVER acknowledged it, including doctors. It's rather mind boggling. I can't figure out if I am really THAT irrelevant or if the entire world is actually that lacking in the thing that makes me reach out to those in need, whatever that is in me.  (This was a FB comment I made and realized how deeply I meant it, so I had to share it here. No idea what the point is but I am compelled to do it.) 

The Job Search and some more art therapy.

I call this one "Neener Neener." It makes me smile... 

So, I've been at this attempt to find a place to go or get a running car for ages and ages now. I spent all morning researching monasteries and communes, again. I am not religious but if I had to pick one it would be Buddhism or Hinduism. I didn't find anything that I could get to or qualify for since longterm stays almost always require 'visitation' previously, and that ain't possible. I almost had a live-in opportunity but my lack of transportation made the interviewing impossible. We Skyped, but they wanted a face to face, as expected, and of course, that requires a vehicle and a big chunk of gas money, which I don't have anyway. I tried though. I almost thought it was going to work out but my mom would only let me use the truck if I did it while following her down the hill to smog her car. This means careful planning since the person interviewing me was going to meet me in the nearest city, which is 35 miles away. He refused to schedule an actual date and time and since I have to borrow the truck and also have to know that my mom will be ready to leave at whatever time as well, it all became ridiculous. I don't even know why he bothered to interview me and interact if he was going to not be capable of scheduling a specific time and day. He did however text me at 8:16 am and say if I replied before 8:30 am he could meet me at 10 am. Well, how the hell am I suppose to manage that? A) I'm in bed sleeping, so I am not dressed or ready, particularly for an interview, B) my mom is asleep as well, and C) he knows I don't have a car at will and D) I have to drive a 35 mile distance on rural two lane roads. That means it takes me a lot longer to get anywhere than jumping on the freeway or driving multi-lane roads. Ultimately, I have given up on that prospect. He seemed to be purposely making it impossible for me even when he was fully aware of the circumstances. What kind of boss would this person be then? And maybe it is my age or all the damage recently, but how does it not at all seem to be taken into consideration that I am a female taking the great risk of moving into someone who is a complete strangers home? Do these people not realize that they too are being interviewed? Anyway, the bleakness becomes ever bleaker. And no one really cares, do they? It's truly the ME generation, or shall I say generationS, plural. 

W.W.

Walking Wounded

Art Therapy Continues

This one is still wet so that is why the black looks so uneven.

This is the just finished one, and one still in progress. 

Both are wet, although the colored one is the most recent worked on of the two. I'm beginning to get the hang of using color, but I still can't let my black and white obsession go! 

How to avoid committing suicide

How to avoid committing suicide

Click the lime title/link above to read.

I'm still in the dark void but I could have written almost this entire story myself (including the line about throwing ones self into oncoming traffic and the cutting and the school and on and on...), except that, as I said, I am still in the dark void part since they took my Adderall last year. It's insightful if you have the desire to understand.

ART THERAPY

I've done portraits for many years but am giving paint and pastels a try. I only used charcoal in the past because color just scares the shit out of me for some reason. So, this is the past two weeks attempts and so far it seems black and white is still where I excel, but I will keep trying. 

"Coming or Going"

"Bounce" (As in 'You've gotta bounce, Baby')

"Coming or Going" before final

"No Title"

"Road Trip"

Robert Delong - Long Way Down

Nothing is the answer.

Well, I can now say that I have tried everything. I made my final plea and asked my ex if I could move back if him and his gf ever split. To clarify, that would be to use a spare room not to couple up. A few years ago I would have laughed in a persons face who had suggested that I might one day find myself this pathetic, needy and hopeless. Being as I was always the problem solver finding myself this lacking at something so important as saving my own life seems... what's a good word? Unreal? Not really intense enough. Fathomless works.
So between trying to figure out how to get rid of all this useless shit and how to get my son his shit since he still hasn't found a way to come pick it up and worrying about the fact that I will be abandoning a child/adult who needs me, no matter what anyone else believes, I feel rather frustrated. Autistics, whether high functioning or not need to have someone near they can trust to remind them and push them to do some of the basics required for adult life. Like taxes, and getting health insurance and eating somewhat decent once in awhile and so on. When I sent my son away I believed the people around him would be more supporting but it seems they think getting him to stop smoking is smarter than replacing the cigs with alcohol, which horrifies me since drug and alcohol addiction not only run on both sides of the bloodline in mass, but also because Autistics tend to have high addiction issues as well. He still can't drive but "Hey! He drinks all weekend with us!" Thanks for the fucking support. Anyway, I haven't seen either of my kids in about 6 months. I guess holding on to hoping to spend some time with them is fruitless. Maybe it is better this way. Maybe the void will just seem normal.
I don't know.
I don't know shit. That is what this life has taught me. No one knows a god damn thing. That's nirvana. That's the big answer to the big question we spend our lives trying to find. We know nothing and without love and support nothing flourishes. 

Anne Lamott on Her Wisdom. What I don't agree with, I respect.

I am going to be 61 years old in 48 hours. Wow. I thought i was only forty-seven, but looking over the paperwork, I...
Posted by Anne Lamott on Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Family of the Year - Hero [Boyhood] (Official)

White fear and greed holding us back

Bukowsky never lets me down:

Bukowsky never lets me down:

Cause And Effect

the best often die by their own hand
just to get away,
and those left behind
can never quite understand
why anybody
would ever want to
get away
from
them.


Be Kind

we are always asked
to understand the other person's
viewpoint
no matter how
out-dated
foolish or
obnoxious.

one is asked
to view
their total error
their life-waste
with
kindliness,
especially if they are
aged.

but age is the total of
our doing.
they have aged
badly
because they have
lived
out of focus,
they have refused to
see.

not their fault?

whose fault?
mine?

I am asked to hide
my viewpoint
from them
for fear of their
fear.

age is no crime

but the shame
of a deliberately
wasted
life

among so many
deliberately
wasted
lives

is.

Charles Bukowski

Its the end of the world by R.E.M lyrics

Bizarre Defects

I must truly be defective because no matter how poorly I am treated I continue to be concerned with these peoples we being. How fucked up is that? Two of the people who hurt me terribly have a birthday in about a week. Actually, the same damn day, go figure. Why do I remember this fact? Why do I care? Why am I compelled to wish one or both a Happy Birthday? Neither of these people would be able to even tell anyone what my birthday is yet I remember theirs. Stupid girl and stupid brain. I really need this space for useful information like Algebra and crap. Anyway, almost all the cruelest people from my life have birthdays in the next month. Try and tell me a persons sign doesn't mean shit and I will point you to the fact that literally almost all my abusers have been Pisces. Oddly, the rest have been fire signs like myself although none have been Aries like me. Leo's and Sag's but no Aries. However, most Aries people I know have been women and they haven't been the best of Aries by any means. 
So, anyway, I wish I could erase these people from my brains map so I wouldn't so foolishly continue to think and have concern for them anymore. This is my point about love. Real love, not the bullshit people think is love nowadays. Once you truly love someone they never fully depart from you. You always love them on some level. You always feel what wasn't tarnished or destroyed. You don't just fully hate a person in a moment. Not someone you actually found a reason to love deeply. That shit just doesn't disappear one day. It stays and haunts you and lingers like stale cigarettes and cat piss in carpet. 

I Have Forgotten

I can not remember what it feels like to be loved
or to love actively.
I don't remember what comfort is anymore.
Or how it feels to laugh.
I feel darkness and pain.
I feel despair
and sometimes I am lucky and I just feel numb.
Those are good moments.
I'm cutting too deep now, which might save me from this hole if I am lucky.
Sooner rather than later I hope.
I just want to sleep until it is over.
And if I could go back to any shitty place in my past then I would go.
No taking a moment to contemplate the decision either.
Everything was better than this dead end and the way it just goes on and on...

Roger Waters, Van Morrison, The Band - Comfortably Numb

Desperation, Doubt and Dreaming

Do you know what I dreamed about? I went back to live with P and K (the girlfriend). I was basically their maid/servant and although I twitched when I was being told what to do, I was happy to be there and not here anymore... If that doesn't say anything to anyone then I know it isn't worth trying. LOL. I'd go back too. I'd take that kind of belittlement to have freedom and access to hope. In a heartbeat. I know I must be nearing the end of this life because I don't dream about these kinds of things, but I am, so that means something. Like, I am losing touch with reality. Like, my mind is finally cracking irreparably. Like, soon I won't care which place I am committed into because I won't know otherwise anymore. It will also mean that mental health is not about chemical imbalances but the imbalances of the environments that we find ourselves stuck in and their affects on our psyche' and nervous system. I wonder why there is always such a push for meds rather than a push to alter the environments by helping with that rather than paying a fortune for meds that end up causing so much harm in other areas as well. Surely creating a kind hopeful environment would create better and longer lasting results for people like myself. Blah blah blah. No one cares and no one is listening or hearing or giving a fuck... 

Suicide Notes: 10 Shocking Suicide Notes - ODDEE

Suicide Notes: 10 Shocking Suicide Notes - ODDEE

8 Shocking Suicide Attempts Posted on The Internet - ODDEE

8 Shocking Suicide Attempts Posted on The Internet - ODDEE

Wake The Fuck Up

This is so fucking infuriating and stupid. Suffering is always internal. This is why some people have no tolerance to pain while others can suffer horribly and still function. It's why some people kill themselves because their boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with them while others suffer through horrific abuse and still come out of it capable of loving again. None of it is imaginary though. None of it is worthy of being ignored and devalued. EVERYTHING we feel is internal in origin. People lacking empathy do this because they can't feel this shit as deep as others. Geezuz Christ. Stop believing the bullshit people dish out to make it easier to ignore others pain and suffering. Someday the tables may turn and you will regret believing this shit.

Beautiful Girls - Rosie O'Donnell

A Thought or Apiphany

It has just occurred to me that in all this time, these past near three years now, that I have never dreamed of the obvious. I mean, in the beginning I yelled a lot at P and his girlfriend and I saw J a few times but mostly I dream about nothing of reality.

I never dream about money or a home or even my kids, I don't dream about sex, I do however dream about small kisses once in awhile though.

A few nights ago though I dreamed of two things two nights in a row. First I dreamed of a friend morphed with Ethan Hawke, whose brain I adore (and he isn't too hard on the eyes either), and we did a great deal of just talking. It was lovely. Second dream, I was just wrapped tightly around this boy absorbing the feel of his body heat and skin. Basking in it. It was amazing. These are the things I truly yearn for. I need money and what it can buy, like food and transportation but I yearn for connection.

I dream about human connection. The feel of flesh. The connection of minds. I dream about being viable to someone. I dream about being seen as a real live person with feelings and thoughts that matter. I dream about not being used or abused or shunned.

It's funny how dreams sift through the materialistic shit and leave you with the core of your needs to face.

Slipknot - Snuff [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

YEP

"So break yourself against my stones

And spit your pity in my soul
You never needed any help
You sold me out to save yourself
And I won't listen to your shame
You ran away - you're all the same
Angels lie to keep control...
Ooh, my love was punished long ago
If you still care, don't ever let me know
If you still care, don't ever let me know..."

Another Fundme for Another Stupid Ass Reason Goes Viral. WTF is Going On Here?

You know, I used to love these feel good underdog stories but IMO this whole Fundme thing has really gone way the fuck off course and it is showing just how fucked up our society really is now.
I'm gonna say it again, potato salad. 
Potato salad, the pizza guy/dealership tip, people who didn't read the fine print on their ap (Uber?)before calling for a ride home after drinking all night and getting billed for $300. 
Where the hell is the compassion for the people who actually NEED HELP? There is none, unless you have pictures of some scary disease or small children. Then you have a small chance. 
>>>>>>What it really amounts to for the actual people in need is the size of their online network and the love and willingness to share of their friends. <<<<< I learned this the hard way. I watched a friend make what amounts to roughly $7000 in the past two months because he has a) a disease he can document b) a huge network, like in the thousands c) a community backed disease d) friends who give a fuck and donate plus share therefore creating an even bigger network. My page is a year old with one single donation and that is from this friend who's raking it in now. On paper he looks and sounds worse off, but in reality he has a family that loves him and will take him in at any moment, but he doesn't want to go home. I would kill for that kind of love and support. He has an entire global community and local community worth of support to back him daily and he has major networks. He is nowhere as bad off as he would make it out to be. He was in a bad way for sure, but not like presented. He had choices. He didn't like them. He did not actually go through all his choices first and then declare total destitution. Some of us have though, and no one seems to blink an eye unless they are out to play some sick game of 'how much can I control you based on how badly you want help.' It's truly sick and fucked up. I finally let go of the people on my page playing this painful game with me. My desperation has hit a bit of a somewhat numb stage. I can keep these sick people around hoping they might actually grow a heart and help or I might get THAT desperate, or I could finally delete them and breath again when I log in to my Facebook page because now I don't have to see their names anymore on that stupid chat list that won't go away, even when chat has been turned off. It had started to become a trigger for the dark-side for me. Those damn names and their damn words trying to manipulate me while actually offering nothing at all. Just the possibility of 'something' 'IF' I could or would do some impossible or illogical task or deed. Not even a small help to show some version of commitment to sticking to their words. Even the fucking mob would show some kind of commitment by a deed, act or handout/loan. For fucks sake. Watch a got damn movie like The Godfather or something. Learn some loyalty and commitment. Grow some fucking balls and a backbone. Dig some integrity and selflessness up. Yes, I really do see these things in the mob mentality and not the new mob mentality but old school. 
Oh, and I love my friend whose page has changed his life. I just don't understand the way peoples minds work anymore. And yes, I am rather jealous as well. I can admit that. I don't have the family or community or social network that he does. I never ever have either. It's rather amazing that even out of school our social standing affects whether we live or die. It's the 'New World' mentality. It sucks. 
Okay. I went like totally off the rails here... back to the original thought... But you know, these days if you have just had a basic life experience or a small life lesson the entire fucking world wants to throw fast easy cash in your face. And people wonder why these generations lack logic, wisdom and a backbone. Maybe it is because we treat life and its basic lessons as reasons for entitlement and or reward. I make a dumb choice and I get love and support, oh! and cash as well. Well isn't that just fucking special. If I was going to be in the shit spot I find myself in at least the universe could have made me a part of one of these other generations. An ounce of compassion would be a nice think these days. 

This is the shit they give you when you are hungry and poor from the 'food bank' where I live. Death in a Box.

THIS IS ALL THE FOOD I HAVE UNTIL MID MARCH SO I WENT TO THE FOOD BANK....

ALL THE PHOTOS BELOW ARE OF THE ITEMS I RECEIVED.
I know people don't grasp what I am saying anymore. I get that they think I exaggerate even with proof. I may even sound ungrateful in this post but when this is what I have to survive until mid MARCH because the school is only going to give me aid for part of my classes and the entire check I have been waiting for, thinking I could finally get some food with, is suddenly not even going to cover the required books; I too might be disappointed when I get a food box like this. I mean week old expired food is rather crass but I forget how non-human the needy become or how people expect jubilation for the most minute acts of acknowledgement or aid. I remember so much from being homeless but I forgot about this tid-bit of the poor's struggle. This 'be thankful' to the point of nausea no matter how degrading it may be. Be jubilant even if they bounced the carrot in front of your face for ages before deciding you were either worthy and they followed through finally or you are not worthy and they just dicked out when they got bored of the game. There is so much people will never understand about poverty until they are forced into it.

This is YOGURT. It expired 7 days ago and wasn't even cold when I got it.

That say January 02. 2015 so over 2 weeks past expiration.




NOVEMBER of 2014.

Ryan Adams - Words

Lyrics:
If everything you want is something you couldn't have 
Go outside a while, look up and count the clouds
Can you draw a picture of the backyard of the house
You grew up in, can you remember how it smelled?

Don't worry up your mind
People are sick and mean sometimes
They're only words
They're only words

If everybody is grateful, how come nobody's satisfied
If a tree falls in the woods and there ain't no one around
If you heard it you could go over and whittle out a wishing box
You could write her name on something and put it inside

Don't worry up your mind
People are sick and mean sometimes
Don't worry up your mind
They're only words
Its only words
Its only words

Artist: Ryan Adams
Title: Words

Welcome to the Men of My Life and My Mom.

Taken from a Facebook post by 

Escaping the Narcissistic ABUSE

CHARACTERISTICS of the SUBTLE NARCISSISTIC ABUSER

PART 4.

16. The Narcissist is aggressive and shameless. They don't ask. The Narcissist demands. They make outrageous requests and they'll take anything they want if they think they can get away with it. Their demands of their "loved ones" are posed in a very aggressive way, as are their criticisms. They seldom take no for an answer, pushing and arm-twisting and manipulating to get you to give in. <<Damion

17. They push you down, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you can. They never give you a birthday party and grandstand it. Your friends were never welcome in your home. << Paul

They give you tasks that were rightfully theirs. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you are always their emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You are never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences are only for the Narcissist, and you are responsible for making it right for them. From the beginning they would randomly lash out at you any time they are stressed or angry or felt that life was unfair to them, because it makes them feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As time progresses you are assigned responsibility for their emotions. Unloading on you any time something goes wrong for them. << Mom

18. Narcissists are exploitative. They will manipulate to get work, money, or objects they envy or covet. Especially if it makes the look special or good. They may have stolen your identity. If they make an agreement with you, it is violated the minute it no longer served their needs. If you brought it up demanding they adhere to the agreement, they brush you off and later punished you so you would know not to defy them again. << Jason

Sometimes the Narcissist will exploit a partner to absorb punishment that would have been theirs. Sometimes the Narcissist simply emotionally pushes you down into illness to keep a sick marriage intact because the alternative is divorce and the loss of your income. You are sexually molested but the Narcissist never notices, or worse, calls you a liar, or blames you. <<Jason

19. Narcissists project. This sounds a little like psycho-babble, but it is something that Narcissists all do. Projection means that they will put their own bad behavior, character and traits on you so they can deny them as their own and punish you. This can be very difficult to see if you have traits that they can project on to. An eating-disordered woman who obsesses over her daughter's weight is projecting. The daughter may not realize it because she has probably internalized an absurdly thin vision of women's weight and so accepts her mother's projection. When the narcissist tells the daughter that she eats too much, needs to exercise more, or has to wear extra-large size clothes, the daughter believes it, even if it isn't true. However, they will sometimes project even though it makes no sense at all. This happens when they feel shamed and needs to put it on you and the projection therefore comes across as being an attack out of the blue. For example: They make an outrageous request, and you casually refuse to let them have their way. They become enraged by your refusal and snarls at you that you'll talk about it when you've calmed down and are no longer hysterical.  << ALL OF THEM

You aren't hysterical at all; but your refusal has made them feel the shame that should have stopped them from making shameless demands in the first place. That's intolerable. They can transfer that shame to you and rationalize away your response: you only refused because you're so unreasonable. Having done that they can reassert their shamelessness and indulge. You'll talk about it again "later" - probably when they've worn you down with histrionics, pouting and the silent treatment so you're more inclined to do what they want. << Paula nd Jason

20. The Narcissists is never wrong about anything. No matter what they've done, and won't ever genuinely apologize for anything. Instead, any time they feel they are being made to apologize they will sulk and pout, issue an insulting apology or negate the apology they have just made with justifications, qualifications or self pity: "I'm sorry you felt that I humiliated you" "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad" "If I did that it was wrong" "I'm sorry, but I there's nothing I can do about it" "I'm sorry I made you feel, stupid and disgusting" "I'm sorry but it was just a joke. You're so over-sensitive" "I'm sorry that my own wife feels she has to upset me and make me feel bad." The last insulting apology is also an example of projection. << Mom and Jason and Damion

21. Narcissist have no awareness that other people even have feelings. They occasionally slip and say something jaw-droppingly callous because of this lack of empathy. It isn't that they don't care at all about other people's feelings, though they don't. It would simply never occur to them to think about their feelings. An absence of empathy is the defining trait of a Narcissist and underlies most of the other traits I have described. Unlike psychopaths, Narcissists do understand right, wrong, and consequences, so they are not ordinarily criminal. They beat you, but not to the point where you went to the hospital. Leave you in hotel alone on your birthday after berating you publicly. <<ALL OF THEM

22. They blame. Narcissist will blame you for everything that isn't right in their life or for what other people do or for whatever has happened. Always blaming you for their abuse. You made them do it. If only you weren't so difficult. You upset them so much that they can't think straight. They couldn't function for 2 days. Things were hard for them and your needs pushed her over the brink. This blaming is often so subtle that all you know is that you thought you were wronged and now you feel guilty. They'll do something egregiously exploitative to you, and when confronted will screech at you that they can't believe you were so selfish as to upset them over such a trivial thing. They will also blame you for your reaction to their selfish, cruel and exploitative behavior. They "can't believe you are so petty, so small, and so childish as to object or complain so much" "I apologized for that already, when are you goung to let it go." "How long are you going to use your dead mother as an excuse?" (The mother passed less the a month prior.) <<Mom and Jason

Narcissists are masters of multitasking as this example shows. Simultaneously your Narcissistic partne is

Lying. He knows what he did was wrong and he knows your reaction is reasonable.
Manipulating. He's making you look like the bad person for objecting to his cruelties.
Being selfish. He doesn't mind making you feel horrible as long as he gets his own way.
Blaming. He did something wrong, but it's all your fault.
Projecting. His petty, small and childish behavior has become yours.
Putting on a self-pitying drama. He's a martyr who believed the best of you, and you've let him down. <<THEY ALL DO THIS

23. They undermine your relationships: wherever they touch down families are torn apart and wounds are inflicted. They foster desension because they enjoy the control it gives them. Narcissists also love the excitement and drama they create by interfering with your life. Watching people's lives explode is better than soap operas, especially when you don't have any empathy for their misery. << Mom and Jason

The narcissist nurtures anger, contempt and envy - the most corrosive emotions - to stand up to the narcissist guarantees punishment. In their zest for revenge, the narcissist purposefully creates chaos. ("I can see that nobody here loves me! I'll just go sleep on the streets!") << ALL OF THEM

As a last resort the Narcissist become pathetic. Wallow in self pity and bemoan the injustice. <<PAUL

There is no creature like them. People think surely you are making this up. Or worse, your CRAZY.. Q  <<ALL OF THEM

Note: Having been raised by a narcissist, her children are predisposed to be envious. While she may never praise you to your face, she will likely crow about your victories to the very sibling who is not doing well. She'll tell you about the generosity she displayed towards that child, leaving you wondering why you got left out and irrationally angry at the favored child rather than at the narcissist who told you about it.
The end result is a family in which almost all communication is triangular. The narcissist, the spider in the middle of the family web, sensitively monitors all the children for information she can use to retain her unchallenged control over the family. She then passes that on to the others, creating the resentments that prevent them from communicating directly and freely with each other. The result is that the only communication between the children is through the narcissist, exactly the way she wants it.

It's Fucking Poetry in Motion

I'm really done with trusting people, even people I have known for ages. They are the ones that seem to do me in the hardest and string me along the longest. They are also the ones who leave me in a far more damaging place than I was in originally because I trusted them and altered my choices based on what they have said or promised. I can't believe that this does not occur to them. That the damage they are causing on top of damage already done. That everyone is so completely detached that they offer things over and over and then they just don't bother to follow through or admit that they are not going to do it anymore. It has cost me financially and emotionally all the trust I have left. Just the sheer number of people who have done this is shocking to me. I would expect one but this is multiple longtime people. People who came to me, not the other way around. People I have done for when I was capable as well. People I love.
My moms new thing is calling US spinsters now. She is right. It's the only thing left that makes sense. Just sit here alone forever and keep people out there where they can do their damage without hurting me anymore. Here is what I know now; the people that are going to help just do it. No prerequisites, no stalling, no Q & A, no sudden 'issues' prolonging weekly until it has become a month or more, no bullshit, they just do it. Like getting an amazing gift out of nowhere, which it is. Thank you to the ones who have done this over the past year. I think you know who you are! You are the gems and the hope. You are the example. If you see yourself in one of my examples then you are probably right about where you fit in and you may want to think about that depending on which side you realize that you fit in on. 
So this time I find myself with no way to get my books, again, before my grant aid, which is never a given, half of what I used to get and absolutely the only way I can find to create some flow of food money if you can consider the 6 weeks between checks 'flow'. I had some of it set aside but people made me offers and I spent it for food. Stupid, stupid trusting girl. These last classes are also ones I will fail, guaranteed, since I am required to test at the college to pass, which we know is impossible. LOL. I have to survive. I need food to do that. Fuck my education. It has been only a source of survival for what? Three years of the four? Yes, that is anger you hear. I wanted an education. I wanted something that was mine. Instead it gets tainted like everything else I touch or attempt to accomplish. Fuck this shit. It's about the money anyway, isn't it. It's always about the money in the fucking end.
So here I am. Essentially, my Mom. Spinster making money the only way she knows how with no one left to trust and big old chip on her already weighed down shoulder... if it wasn't so ugly it would be poetic. I hope everyone that keeps force feeding me the 'write!' food enjoys what my writing has become or maybe always has been. I personally don't enjoy it. Like drawing it went from a source of comfort and an outlet, to a burden. An expectation by others. It isn't mine anymore or it doesn't feel like it is so I can't find any peace in it. Anger, yes. Animosity, yes. Pain, yes. Peace, no. Not anymore.

As an added thought:
Here's the facts. I knew Jason for seven years online- broke my soul. I was with Paul for 14 years- atomic bombed my entire life. I knew Angie for 12 years- shattered my faith in friendship. Robert, I was married to him at one time and I have known him for about 18 years- made me realize that intent is nothing without action and causes the same damage as intending to do harm. Mel, like family for 20 years- I guess the same thing as Robert. Strung along for 6 weeks+ and why? (Mel came through and actually is the only reason you see any posted after this posing date. I would be dead of starvation or my own hand otherwise) Because there is no backbone to tell the truth? Or the intent to help was so strong that selfishly lying to me was easier FOR THEM then admitting an inability to do what they had offered? Leaving me hanging, making plans and spending money on a failed situation or false promise. Promises I only took seriously because THEY approached me. PEOPLE, if you learn NOTHING from my experiences and words at least learn this... YOUR PROMISES AND YOUR OFFERINGS, particularly to those in dire straits, actually mean something. They are not just frivolous words. It is CRUEL to do these things to people. Learn at least this much. I am no saint but if you ask me I will admit my mistakes and I will and have always tried to become better for them as well. To learn something. To make it less of a negative if possible. I just wish I could trust people again. Life isn't worth much alone. I learned that too.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

An Open Letter to, “The Survivors.”

An Open Letter to, “The Survivors.”

Don’t be a dick.

Don’t become a hypocrite.

Don’t forget how lost and desperate and dark you once were.

Don’t spread bullshit to the ones who continue to search for their tunnel end.

Don’t be THAT person.

Don’t suddenly decide that you will be a walking, talking, typing, billboard for Pinterest type meme/ posts on survival and a positive attitude. If you were still at all aware of what you had come out of you would not be devaluing other peoples pleas for guidance, advice or options to investigate. You would not have forgotten how painful it was to have people judge your pain, or trivialize your struggle into a few words that essentially equate to, ‘buck it up’ and ‘think positive’ and it will all be peachy in the morning.

You should not be patronizing.

You should be honest in the reality of your survival. You should not deny that you would not be where you are had it not been for someone or many people who took notice or extended a hand.

You should be capable of remembering when it felt like there was no one or, in fact, when there really was no one, and how lonely and bleak it all felt.

You shall not forget that where you are right now is an accumulation of help from others, hard work and dumb luck (or good timing). It could have just as easily been someone else reaping the rewards you are now receiving and you could still be wishing for an end to it all while planning the details of your eminent death.

You have been blessed.

Do not be a prick and piss all over that miracle.

Respect that just because your misery has ended or lessened or that you have FINALLY turned a corner, most others are still crawling on the ground on bloodied knee hoping, praying, pleading for what you now have.

Some people would say that when you were at your darkest point you were also in a place they would have called a blessing compared to their current journey. Remember that.

Someone somewhere is always in a more dreadful situation. This is not a reason or right to devalue another’s struggle though. This is perspective. This is a reason to be particularly thankful for the positive changes you have experienced.

Appreciate your new circumstances, because sometimes just the change or newness is a miracle in itself.

Not everyone will have friends, family, mates, a social network, or a supportive community surrounding them, helping them through the darkness.

Moreover, hope that the universe does not decide that you must be humbled and kicks you back to the place you escaped. Lead by example and do not piss on your good fortune.

Oh yes, and finally yet importantly, your survival does not make you superior in any way whatsoever. You are not suddenly smarter or worthy of looking down on anyone.

Be humble.

Be kind.

Be aware.

Be thoughtful in your words and actions.

And try not to be an asshole.

To Everyone Who Sucked Me Dry.

What Possessions I Cherish Most Question. Basically, I just need this noted for future reference.

My kids but they are humans so 'possession' is a bit much. I guess the photos of my kids lives. 8mm videos holding the sounds of their young voices and untarnished dreams. The 'was' of life's possessions.  <<< I have to work something off of this. I can feel it pulling but it takes SO MUCH more these days without my A.D.D. meds to overcome all the obstacles to even begin really writing anything anymore. Someday I hope to not think about food for days at a time. Same with death, escape, loneliness, pain, boredom, suffocation, revenge. The last one is new for me in any real sense. Anyway, I need this noted. I still hold hope somewhere deep in my psyche I guess. 

Dr. George Simon interviewing a classic Narcissist.

This is what dealing with my mother, and my ex's P, D and J was/is like. It amazes me that these are the people I attract considering my communication abilities and my high level of logic. Of course, it is most likely my empathy that dooms me to attract these lovely specimens. 

ENJOY

Dr. George Simon is the preeminent expert on manipulative aggressive personality disorders and how to deal with those who have them!
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In last week’s post, I illustrated some of the cardinal features of malignant narcissism through a case example excerpted from my book The Judas Syndrome.

Today’s example comes from one of the therapy vignettes featured in the last chapter (chapter 7) of my book Character Disturbance. It’s a fairly lengthy vignette but it illustrates so many aspects of narcissism so well that I’m reproducing it all except for some minor edits (for brevity’s sake), and I hope the discussion about the vignette itself as well as my commentary will provide folks with a sufficient understanding of the problems ego-inflation in the extreme can cause.

Although I didn’t give him a name in the book, for the sake of discussion, we’ll call the person in the following vignette “Tom.” He was referred to me by another therapist for evaluation and recommendations about a treatment plan. I’ve highlighted in boldface and italicized certain parts of my interchange with him to aid in the discussion. Here’s how it went:

CLIENT: Hey, how’s it goin’ George? Well, today’s the day, huh? The big shrink’s gonna tell me what he thinks (smirks).

THERAPIST: As I promised you last time, I am going to share with you my opinion about what I see as a problem. And I’ll give you some suggestions about what you would need to work on in therapy. Then, I will give your therapist a copy of my report.

CLIENT: Well, what’s the verdict, doc? You’re a doctor of what…philosophy…. psychology? Is that like a real doctor, or what?

Evelyn's Comment: Notice Tom trying to cut the Doctor down and to diminish his credentials!

THERAPIST: As we talked about the first time, I’m a psychologist. I’m not a medical doctor. All of my training is in psychology. My area of specialty is personality and character. As we have discussed this at length before, perhaps we’d better get on with my assessment.

CLIENT: Go ahead. Shoot.

THERAPIST: I think that, for you to have fewer of the kinds of problems you’ve been having, and in order to be a better person in general, you need to make some changes in the kind of person you are – some basic changes in your personality. At your age, that won’t be easy, but I think that’s what you’ll need to do.

CLIENT: What about my personality?

THERAPIST: Mostly, you lack good “brakes.” Also, you tend to think too much of yourself, and you tend to pay too little heed to others in your life and their needs.

Evelyn's Comment: Notice the Doctor has identified three (3) issues Tom needs to work on!

CLIENT: I’m not sure what you mean, bad brakes.

Evelyn's Comment : NoticeTom only questions the issue with the "bad Brakes" but does not have an issue with thinking too much of himself or paying little heed to others in his life and their needs!

THERAPIST: I think you understand that when you want something, or want to do something, you don’t hesitate or stop and think about it first. In fact, you don’t stop at all. You don’t back-up, back-off, or give-in when you should. You’re in full-throttle mode in the very times you really need to be thinking about applying the brakes.

CLIENT: And you can tell all this after just a couple of visits?

THERAPIST: As we discussed earlier, I consider much more than just our visits, which is why I’ve consulted with your therapist, interviewed some of your family, looked at your history, and given you some tests. I’ve also made some important observations about the kinds of attitudes you display and behaviors you exhibit. I consider my opinion accurate.

CLIENT: Even if no one else has ever told me that before? Dr. Brady thinks I probably have depression. But you think I’m just a bad person. So, he’s wrong and you’re right, huh?

THERAPIST: I can’t speak for anyone else. I’m giving you my opinion. And, of course, you didn’t hear me say you were a bad person. I said you’re a person with poor brakes. I meant exactly what I said.

CLIENT: Dr. Brady says my anger is a symptom of depression. Maybe that’s what it is. Maybe all I need is a pill.

THERAPIST: Anger can indeed be a sign of depression, especially when it is out of character for the person. But I’ve carefully reviewed your history. There were many times when you were on a mission of sorts – taking no prisoners – fighting hard to get what you wanted – and you weren’t angry at all. Many times, when you showed anger, it seemed more to intimidate those who opposed you – a tactic as opposed to a genuine feeling. You seemed to do whatever you had to do to get what you wanted without care for whom you hurt, and you ended up losing in some way. If you had put on the brakes, you might have really won. Then you got upset because you’d made a mess of things. How long have you had a problem putting on the brakes?

CLIENT: I just don’t see how you could be so sure after just meeting me. You don’t really know anything about me. I mean, you’re saying some pretty heavy things here. Besides, I like me. Lot’s of people like me. They love me at work, and I do great at my job. Make good money. But you tell me I’m all messed up.

Evelyn's Comment: Notice how Tom tries to change the subject and get off topic and manipulate himself out of what he perceives as criticism even though he is being evaluated that he has a problem. He tries to turn it around and insult the Doctor!

THERAPIST: You ask how I can be so sure. I think you would know better than anyone else whether any of what I have said to you makes sense. And, of course, you know that I’m not suggesting you need to change everything about yourself. What I am saying is that, as an aggressive personality, you have to learn when and when not to pull out the stops, and when and when not to put on the brakes. You also need to get a more balanced sense of self-worth. It seems to have really riled you that anyone might have accurately assessed your character. You actually helped confirm most of my hunches when you started out this session using the tactic of leveling; that is, trying to intimidate me by subtly denigrating my credentials, trying to throw me on the defensive. I think you need to stop all the very destructive behavior that I outlined for you on the worksheets I gave you, and which I’m sending to your therapist as well. If you don’t work on correcting those things, you’ll keep hurting people and making a mess of your relationships. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. And you can start by doing some things differently, right here and right now.

Now, my question to you, if you remember, is how long you’ve had this problem…. I mean, with your brakes.

Client: My whole life.

Narcissists hate to think anyone “has their number,” so to speak. People who always see themselves as superior to others hate to see the field of “play” (i.e. social interaction) leveled.

They especially hate it when someone else in is a position of greater power or authority. “Tom” got really riled that I had the audacity to think I had him pegged. And he used just about every tactic I mention in In Sheep’s Clothing to reverse the “position” he was in (e.g., he uses the tactic of “leveling” by calling me by my first name, subtly demeans me with the innuendos about me not being a “real” doctor, etc., engaging in COVERT INTIMIDATION to put me on the defensive, etc.).

And there’s something else really interesting: he didn’t get upset and pretty much let it slide completely by when I said I thought he thought too much of himself and didn’t think enough about others.

He didn’t even get upset when I said it was his personality that was the problem. Rather, he got rankled at the notion of having defective “brakes.”

Although I didn’t mention anything about this in the book, there’s an interesting explanation for that. You see, Tom never minded others seeing him as somewhat overconfident or even haughty, nor did he care that much about whether others had a problem with him and the way he was (as attested to in his self-statements about his liking of the person he is).

He also didn’t see a problem with his “me first and everybody else should be able to fend themselves” attitude, either. But Tom always liked to think of himself as a person in total control (despite ample evidence in his history to the contrary). So it irked him that someone would call attention to his lack of inhibition over his impulses or his “defective” mental “brakes.”

Tom’s opening statement – the first thing he said when he entered my office and sat down – also illustrates a key point about aggressive personalities: the fight for position was already on and had begun even before he got there.

It was my job to hold position, without being sucked into a verbal and relational donnybrook, backed defensively into a corner, or being run over. I probably didn’t do a perfect job. But I thought the case was illuminating on this point anyway.

... But one thing I simply must point out is the axiom I’ve mentioned time and time again about encounters with character-impaired people whether or not those encounters occur within a formal therapeutic context: change, if it is to ever actually take place, ALWAYS occurs in the here-and-now.

After all the back and forth power-jockeying, impression-managing, manipulation, and game-playing, once sufficiently cornered and overwhelmed by the evidence of his lifelong problem and served notice that he could change how he operates if only he would make the choice to do so at any given moment, Tom finally does evidence some change.

He does this when he admits what I’ve said all along is a problem (i.e. when he says the problem with his “brakes” has been there “all my life”).

Now, of course, this is probably more of an instance of assent as opposed to genuine surrender.

But it’s a start. And as counter-intuitive as it seems, it’s really important to recognize the value of that small step in the right direction because it’s something that can be built upon.

And the process of re-building a severely impaired character is an arduous one that always has to start small.

I also want to make the point that the main reason I put this particular vignette in the book is because it illustrates so clearly just how differently potentially therapeutic encounters must be conducted when someone has a personality or character disturbance. No focus whatsoever on the ancillary and purely symptomatic features that might accompany the personality disturbance. Rather, a focus on the core “dynamics” of the dysfunctional “style.”

It’s the person’s interaction “style” itself that is the the problem, so that’s where the attention should be. And when elements of that style are accepted as dysfunctional and corrected, everything else gets better.

I can’t count the numbers (well into the hundreds and thousands) of times that exasperated folks have shown up at my office having repeatedly attempted therapeutic interventions to absolutely no avail because the real culprit responsible for all their distress (i.e. someone’s character) was never really confronted or dealt with.

Hopefully the readers will see a lot else here that looks familiar, resonates with them, and calls to mind other important principles I’ve mentioned in other posts on narcissism and character disturbance.

I’m really anxious to see the discussion on this one.

Share and Enjoy.

Americas Next Top Model- Vote For Michale Wilson!

This is one of my dearest friends son. PLEASE like his YouTube video. It's literally just one click. Pass it on as well! He comes from a long line of survivors and I can attest to his claims in this video as well as ones he does not mention. He is truly a fighter in the best manner of speaking!! He deserves it and he holds a very special place in my heart, so do it for me if for no other reason!! Please!!

Using People as Gap Fillers is Not Love

Your Soul

Didion

I suppose almost everyone who writes is afflicted some of the time by the suspicion that nobody out there is listening ~Joan Didion